Understanding One's Misery

[Christie]

Sometimes I become really scared because I feel that if I went to a psychiatrist, they wouldn't be able to help me much. I understand that I am only 16, but I feel as though I understand all of the misery I am going through. Talking about may not help, possibly only depress me further. Hah, that's depressing.

When someone like has felt as depressed as I have since 5th grade, the question why comes up often. And I know the answers. Abandonment issues, mommy issues, I'm not hugged enough, I never get asked how my day was, constant negative criticism from others and myself, daddy issues, bullies, self-hatred. And the list goes on and on.

Perhaps there is still hope right? I mean maybe someone could figure out how to help me out here. I know what I am feeling isn't effecting 100% of teenagers at my school or around the world, so what I have is abnormal. Unless suicidal fantasies and thoughts are normal, which some part of me truly wants to believe. There has to be an alternative right? Happiness.

Who knows? At least I have a safe guard. When my suicidal thoughts were the worst and part of my mind was freaking out because I really was going to hurt myself, the only ting I could think about was, "I have to tell someone." When things get bad, part of me still understand that this can't be kept to myself. Maybe it's the fourth grader in me. Sadly this fourth grader has never thought to tell her family, only teachers and friends.

I know this is stereotypical of every teenager, but my family just doesn't understand me.

Well anyway, thanks for reading this far.

Hope you have a good day.

Christie

[Endlessnight]

Hello Christie. I am sorry you feel the way you do right now. You said you have spoken about how you feel to your teachers and friends, is that right? Can I ask what advice, if any, your teachers have given you? Why do you say you feel a psychiatrist won't be able to help you? Have you taken therapy or are you on any medications currently?

If it helps you, post more here. I know people will get back to you, sometimes it takes a while but it will happen. I want you to know you are not alone. Take care.

[Christie]

Well I have told one friend about my suicidal fantasies, but he pretends like he never heard it. With another friend I have hinted at it and I'm always being more my depressed self. She understands and she gave me a talk trying to say how cheating suicide was. Like how I would cheat myself out of life and what I'd miss. The only teacher I've hinted at would be my band director and he minored in psychology and we are always talking about philosophy together. He has always said his door is open and that it will get better eventually. We have a running joke because I'm holding him to that promise. Needless to say it hasn't gotten better for the both of us since then.

I've never seen a psychiatrist and after much pondering and pensive thought, I think they may only be able to help me cope through my problems. I just don't want to cope for the rest of my life. Never been on meds.

At the time, I feel a little safer from myself. Now and at times that I want to hurt myself. My support system could probably add up to one person. Both my best friend and band director are great people, but they have lives and emotions to.

Again family isn't there. For all they know, I'm 16, a junior, always out doing extra-curricular activities or living in the library with her best friend. I'm also un-grateful and I never do as I'm told when I'm told. I suck. : )

[Verbally abused?]

I know that you will probably think that what I am going to say is "cleche" I will say it anyway. If you are only 16 and already have so much insight into what is going on with you, what have you got to lose by talking to your family?

Maybe they can get the help need, maybe just maybe simply opening up the lines of communication is all you need.

If it isn't the simple communication needed here, I am sure there are many therapists that can help you confront all of these feelings head on and work through them. When this happens, you no longer will need to cope. You will know how to work through them and be all the better for it.

Make sense?

Even if we are only an line support group, we are here for you!!!

Hang in there!!

[Christie]

It's not cliche, I understand your point of view.

What am afraid of IS my family. They will make me feel truly disgusted for making them feel like it was their fault. I can't stand that. I can't talk to them, it's too much for me to handle at the moment. It's kind of pathetic, I know, but it's the sad truth.

I appreciate the support. Thank-you.

[Leo1954]

For only being 16 you are older than your years. You said that you have talked to your band teacher about this. Is he taking you seriously? You have to get help now everybody on here is going to help & support you OK?

Now why are you scared to tell your family? Are you close to one family member than anyone else? Say anything to someone who will listen call your crisis hot line you do not have to give them your name. They are trained to help you especially you well you are a kid who should not have to feel or go through this. Also they are open 24hrs. a day seven days a week. You have all of our support. Stay in touch please everybody is here

[Christie]

He doesn't take things lightly, but I haven't let on that I have suicidal fantasies and thoughts. He does know my head isn't squared on like it should be.

Well my parents have hit me before. I don't know if I would call it physical abuse because I call it discipline. But their words hurt a lot more than their fists. 95% of the time I can't keep up because of the English Spanish barrier between me and my parents.

But hopefully soon the truth will come out. Living like this is no way to live. It isn't really living. Because honestly, the only thing keeping me here is the fear of the the guilt I would feel when killed myself. I couldn't do that to my director and my two best friends.

Thank for the support. I truly appreciate it.

[Verbally abused?]

Even if you feel like it is only discipline, you need to let someone know. If you go to any type of church, maybe someone there. Maybe even just one of your good friends can help by making some anonymous calls to the proper places. No child should ever need to go through the things you are going through! Like to admit it or not, you are just a child. Though a very wise beyond her years child, still only a child. What about granparents or aunts, uncles. You need to do what you can to get away from the situation you are in. Take it from one who tried when she was 14, suicide is not an answer at all!!!

Like Leo said, please stay in touch! We are here for you. Now go ahead and cry it's ok. Might even help you feel a little bit better to "let out" some of your emotions!

[Christie]

I don't know if I would take it that seriously. Then again, I have known no other way.

For me I see it odd if a child isn't fearing his/ her parents. I mean my mom makes me feel guilty every day, and some of it I do deserve, but she's also a bit over exaggerate.

She acts likes she's 75 physically, when she is only 44. She can't do things because she'll get tired and sick and just down right close to her death bed. I understand she has health problems, but don't overplay victim. And its words like that, that make ME feel like shit. So not only does she make me feel bad, I do it to myself.

What I'm worried about is that I've been wanting to cry for weeks now, but nothing will come. I think I have fallen into of cycle of being completely numb. I once used to criticize those who cut themselves just to feel something. But now I completely understand. I rather feel pain than nothing at all.

There is no help in family. Hispanic families all condone discipline, well I should say mine. My uncle that isn't like the rest and one who would understand lives in Afghanistan now. Grandma is just the same. Never met the others before they passed.

I tried when I was 14 as well. And 15. I just suck at trying to die. Hah.

I kind of feel like Eyeore. Everything gets him down so therefore nothing gets him down. Everything has the same effect anyways.

For my own sake, I hope I crack up soon. I hate this life.

Thanks for your continued support. It means a lot. : )

[Verbally abused?]

I don't think you have anything to lose lose if you ask one of your friends for help. Them also being teenagers in today's world. If nothing else, they are someone right there to reach out and hug you if you need it. Even Eyeore likes to have hug sometimes! I send you some cyber ((((((HUGS))))))).