Loss

[Guest h8cruelty]

What do you do when you lose everything? Everyone you care for, your dreams, your hopes, your ambitions? It's a kind of hell, but you can overcome it. There are people out there who have seen what you have seen: a cold world filled with hate and suffering. But there are people who care, who know what it's like to be alone and afraid. We can band together, and be there for each other. Sometimes it seems impossible to live through another day, but if you realize you have friends who want you to survive, all things are possible. I'm there for anyone who needs me.

[hootie]

hey,

I need a friend. will you listen to me? I will listen to you. I have problems and need for someone to help understand them.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hootie,

Welcome to our community.

We are hear to listen and to make suggestions.

Can you tell us about your self?

Allan

[hootie]

well I will try to be brief. I am unemployed. Last July I quit my job. I had been experiencing acute pain in my neck and shoulder to the point that I became unwilling to put forth the effort anymore. I first aquired this injury when I was in the service back in 76. At that time I dislocated my coccyx and I have been in pain ever since. But I guess my mental health has always been not so well after reading the articles on this site. My problems go back to when I was a child and I was beaten with a stick about 2 feet long. I was told not to cry or I would be beat more but anyway lets move on. Since I quit work I have gotten caught in a downward spiral of depression and sadness that is so over powering that I had thought about ending the suffering. At that point I called a suicide hotline and talked to a lady that was very kind and understanding. She made me promise to go to the hospital the next day and I did because I am a man of my word, which incidentally is all I have anymore.So I went to the VA and they admitted me for 2 weeks. They said I would be alright and for a while I was but now it is worse than ever. They had me examined and xrayed and the determined that there was a few things wrong besides what I was feeling. They said I have osteo degeneration in my neck and lower back with some spurring and I have a deformed clavicle in my right shoulder and I have aortic sclarosis and recently I found polyps in my nose. While I was there some vets told me to apply for disability and so I did and am waiting on social security still. I applied with the VA also because of my back injury. They have recently denied me say they have no record of my injury or any treatment for my back which was quite unbelievable considering I was disabled for 3 weeks unable to walk. I have requested my medical records from when I was over seas but have not gotten them yet .I also requested my 201 file and have not received that either. I have requested the information twice now. Any way They gave me meds for my pain tramadol, meds for my brain bupropon and trazadone. Meds for my heart. I go to phisycal therapy once a month now but while I was there I went every day. I had been a pot smoker ever since I hurt my back, not that it helped with the pain but it did seem to relax me but I took thier satp classes and have been free for 4 months. When I got out of the service I went to college and studied sociology and economics, work part time while attending. I quit after 18 months. I also before that attended a technical college and studied air-conditioning and refridgeration. I graduated and went into the profession for some nine years and then started studing electronics and opened my tv repair shop which was going good till my divorce. Afterwards I closed up and took up a offer from a guy to come to PA and work in the satellite business and became quite successful. I moved back to SC and started subcontracting down here and then went to work for Dish as a manger of a crew of 16. Couldn't take the pressure and quit and went back to subcontracting. While I was doing all this I was carring this pain with me the hole time and then one day I started seeing things differently. I guess about 85 or 86. I started feeling sad for no apparent reason. I started remembering my child hood and my tour of duty. I remembered things that I had long forgot and became even more sad but it did not last long and I went about my bussiness and maybe 2 or 3 times a year this would happen and after being sad a while I would continue on. Then last year I had one of these sad times and You know the rest. The thing is it has now taken a new form if you can call it that. Now I get startled very easily, I am afraid to go out in public, I feel this impending doom not just for me but all mankind, I shake, I sweat, I cry, i am so different that ever in my life. I am not happy or hopeful anymore, I have become something horrible inside, I think things about people and the government I sometimes have problems figuring out the difference between what I think and what is actually happening. I hear whispers. I think I am slipping into some sorta madness and am terribly afraid of what is to come. Sometimes well most times I do not even come out of the bedroom. I think I used to be such a hard worker and a loving caring person and am sad. My mind is taking control of my life and is living its life through me. I think is that possible? What has happened to my control. What have I become? What will become of me? Will I give in and stop the suffering? What can I do? i may have to go back to the hospital but it is so cold and dank there, i really wish there was some other way. Thanks for listening to me

Dave is my name

[hootie]

So much for sleeping late. At least I did get some sleep. This time I wish to talk about when I was young. I never new my birth father, mom said he left not long after I was born. She also said he was a drunk. Why she waited to tell me this after her and my step father broke up is beyond me. I was 13 when they broke up. In a way I was sad and happy. Sad that the only man I ever considered my father had not loved me enough to stick it out. Happy that the severe beatings would come to an end. He came around a few times after and then just faded away. I learned of his death by doing a search for him a few years back. When I was a kid I thought my mom and dad knew what they were doing, as I grew older I come to realize that they did not know as much as I had thought. When you are a kid your parents are like Gods. They give you all you need I supposed. When I was beaten it was just plain awful. After a while you get more keen on what is coming by the way they speak and you try to defuse them by being quite and speaking softly, not knowing that it had the reverse effect it seemed because it never really stopped what was to come. I was 7 when I realized my mother was not all there so to speak. She had mental problems. I was 15 when I discovered the nature of her problems and it to was sad. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia. It explained a lot about her behavior that up until then was unexplainable. It was sad because then I understood that a lot of what she done to me and what she had let be done to me was at times beyond her control. It did nothing to take away the pain but after that I did not blame her as much and felt that hopefully I could find a way to make her life more pleasant. Hard as I tried I never could get through to her. We moved around a lot so I missed being a normal kid. I did not make friends so easily cause I new we would not be around long and any way who wants other kids to know their mom is sick all the time. Their were times when I felt normal in some ways but I always knew deep down that I could never be like other kids with their mom and dads loving them and hugging them and going places with them. No I would never be like that. But I always thought that in some ways they did love me, at least they told me they did and what they were doing was for my own good. One of my favorite things to do would be to go out into the country into the woods and just be. Listening to the sound of life in the woods, birds armadillos, squirrels, limbs falling from trees, the smell of life, the sun shinning down on you, the smell of grass in the Fields. In the summer I would go down a mile or two and steal watermelons out of the field and set under a big old oak tree and gorge myself thinking about how sweet the taste was , how old the oak was and if any civil war soldiers had ever pasted this way, how long had the watermelon patch been there and a lot more things that a kid thinks when left alone to enjoy life. I also had a old hound dog a neighbor had given me. A old blue tick hound that used to follow me every where. When that dog died it was the saddest day I had ever known. He would get kicked around and have things thrown at him like me but he was always there with me being my friend. I told him many times how much I loved him and I think he understood. I really miss him to this day. There were times when I was a kid living happily and joyously. If only I could feel that way again, not having a care, just living and sharing my life with my dog Champ. I read a book once called were the red fern grows and it was like I knew everything that poor boy was feeling and his 2 dogs were a lot like mine. It was one of my most favored books. I would use books when I was young to help me escape. Sometimes I would read to Champ and he would just wag his tail as if he understood. Yes there were times I wish had never ended. I feel sad now but its a different kind of sad, if there is such a thing. If you guys will help me get over my fears and my sadness I will find a way to bring happiness to you. I will.

[Guest h8cruelty]

Hi Dave. Your life, especially as a child, was for the most part very cruel and unfair. You should have had the kind, loving parents you deserved. I've been there. I know all about getting beat up and hit with sticks as a kid. Because of that I suffer from post traumatic stress. It sounds as if you do as well. I've also experienced the depression, the fear of going out in public, the feeling people are making fun of me behind my back. I would have panic attacks at night, where I would wake up shaking and crying and fearing I was going to be killed. What has totally saved my life and made it bearable (sometimes even pleasant) are two things: the proper mix of medications (I take wellbutrin, prozac, and also trazadone to help me sleep); and the help of an excellent psychotherapist. You need a psychiatrist to prescribe the meds and monitor them on a regular basis, and a therapist to totally be there for you. He/she will listen to you, care for you, help you move forward to a better life, help you to be strong and confident again. The VA will provide all of this for you- they'll assign you a primary care physician, who will then set you up with the outpatient mental health clinic. I know, because that's where I get my meds and some of my therapy. You deserve to be happy, and you will be. Trust me, what you're going through now is not how it will always be for you. Concentrate on getting through one day at a time, and every day try to make one, small, positive step forward. Also be kind to yourself- none of this is your fault. Love yourself, and others will love you.

[Natalie]

Hi Dave-

Survivor's advice is well-worth listening to. It's especially important to see a psychologist or other licensed therapist on a routine basis to help you talk through these issues. The medication can help a great deal- but shouldn't be the sole source of help you are receiving.

As far as the VA is concerned, I know it's a pain dealing with the paperwork issues and the waitning. But, don't give up- they can be a wonderful source of help, and therapists who work at these faciliites have better insight to helping vets than do some therapists who are not in the system. You also have the right to try different therapists in the VA system, so if you don't work well with the first person, feel free to ask to work with someone else.

I wish you the best.

[hootie]

Hey,

me again

I hear you both but things just are not working out quite that way. I have a doctor that has been on medical leave since xmas and I have never met the temp. I called my local office to schedule an appointment and was told that I would need to call the taps line so I did that and they connected me to the local office and I was told that I could not make an appointment because I was scheduled for one in July and if I could not wait, go to the emergency dept. I told my social worker that I need to schedule an appointment to see a physical therapist for my neck and back and I called the taps line and spoke with someone and they said they would let my primary know and he would let me know when the appointment would be. Still nothing. I got my medical records from Dorn VA today and read were the primary had received both messages in Feb and still nothing. This is the main reason I need to see another doctor. If I go the the ER all they will do is lock me up again for a couple weeks and then send me on my way. Last time I was there they really never afford any explanation as to what was the cause of my mental state other than it being depression. The Chaplin came by to see me and he asked if I believed in a higher power and could he talk with me and I said yes to both questions. I don't think he heard what I was saying though, cause when I told him that my higher power was an alien at first it threw him but of course he came back with the typical Christian dogma. So about all I can do short of going to the ER is wait. So that is what I'm doing is suffering and waiting before I take this last step.

[Mark]

What do you do when you lose everything? Everyone you care for, your dreams, your hopes, your ambitions? It's a kind of hell, but you can overcome it.

To return to the original post, yes - you can overcome it, but it is hard work to do that sometimes. I guess what you try to do when you have lost everything is to regroup and try to regrow. Maybe you need to grieve for a while. Generally when people experience a great loss, they need to grieve, and sometimes for a good long time.

we did a podcast recently with a meditation teacher, a fellow by the name of Shinzen Young, and that got me thinking again about suffering and loss. I'm no meditator or buddhist or anything like that - but I'm to understand that one goal of meditation is to get a person to understand that the person they thought they were is not who they actually are. Meaning - there is an internal place you can go to if you become a skilled meditator from which you can watch the parade of emotions go by and when you learn how to get to this place, the emotions still hurt, but they don't capture or imprison you anymore so much and you become freer to go on with your life. I guess if you had nothing left that felt good to live for, meditation training could be one thing to pursue to try to get to that place that would allow you to go on. a thought anyway.