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What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)


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Guest SomethingOrOther

Don't you think the whole "importance" of sex adds to your anxiety?

What having experience with sex would probably make you forget is that it's impossible according to your former therapist.

I don't think you'll get the void filled with a wife and children, though, because then you'd still define your worth as value you have for other people. You'll still need to learn how to value yourself.

You have mentioned your uncle before. At what age did you learn about his crimes?

S.

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The only thing I am worried about as far as sex is would I be able to perform. My other therapist made me think that the only way I could even get aroused was with kids. And, sadly, I have been aroused by the two little guys I LOVE!!!! I don't know why....it is completely not normal and never happened once until all this crap came about. It is like some kind of sadistic self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like as soon as I remembered this, that is when all of these issues came about with the boys. I do not want to have relations with them at all.

Sadly, I would be willing to go against my beliefs and try sex before marriage if I thought it would make me more confident, especially as part of my relationship, that is built around love. I do not know what gives with this....it was a while ago....why would it come up now?

I learned of my uncle in 1999. He went to jail. I was 21 and in college. I remember being worried because his name was in the papers for this and I was afraid I would get questioned trying to be a teacher.

So, there you go, I am 32. Might as well know that about me. I have taught for 9 years. It is not like I am new to this at all. The little guys I love, I taught both of them. I was not trying to lurch my way onto them at all...I was invited places because the boys love me. I tutored the little brother when he was 3!! I mean, those kids LOVE ME!!!! Yeah, I went on vacations and stuff with them, but because I WAS INVITED. Yeah, I slept in the same bed with them because that was the arrangement made by the parents. My therapist asked if I didn't think I was crossing ethical lines by sleeping with my former students. That pissed me off....I had to be a parent at times too. I did all the cooking, cleaning, etc. when I needed to. I was invited as a friend of the family. The boys, loving me like they do, of course said could you cuddle with me when I was sleeping with them....and did I? You bet, because I love them and THEY asked. I never asked anyone to invite me anywhere and was completely willing to let them be students with whom my relationship would cease upon the conclusion of their time in my class, but circumstances and love demanded that I be more than that because the parents asked me to...not because I am some sicko that wants to sleep with boys, like my previous therapist thought. If I were to end my life, which I still think about, outside of my family, those two little boys would be HEARTBROKEN!!! Little did they know about my horrible past. I feel like death every day. Why didn't I not grow up to be like my uncle? I had a red flag in place!

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To tell you the truth, I am of the belief that sex should wait until marriage. I don't want to have to get married and try to have sexual relations just to see that I am broken in some way. That is just the think SoO, the one thing that could possibly make me forget all about this, having my own family to love and take care of, is the one thing that I am afraid to do because I have had this idea put in my head that it won't work.

Oh, here's another little tidibit to put on top of the pile....my uncle was an offending pedophile. He raped a handful of boys in the late 90s and is in jail now. So, why the hell did I not act better? I had absolutely everything in place to say don't do this, and I just ran right through it. I am nowhere near what he is, as I have never touched a child in a cross way, just lots of hugs, and because situations demanded it, things like sleeping with those two boys I love (as an invited guest on trips, etc. with their parents in the next bed). I WOULD NEVER HURT A KID!! My God, I am a teacher. I have even had to get those two guys bathed when they were little. I was not aroused by that in any way, just acting like a father might act like. Now that they are growing up and I don't see them as much, I am having those arousal issues where they never existed before. I mean, I have looked at plenty of normal things on the internet to explore my sexuality, and they have worked. I just don't know what to think given my family history.

I am really pouring it all out here.....every site I visited had the speedo theme to it.....far.nu/01boy being another that I am not happy I ever visited. Who knows if I even touched myself? Just the fact that I went on this site that seems kind of pedophilic makes me want to die every day, but I promise you that I never saw any CP nor do I ever want to. The sad thing is that if you visit web archives, you can see how long ago I am talking about. This site has been closed down for almost 10 years.

Now, here I am stuck in a relationship in which my girlfriend wants to have kids like within the next year, and I have explored recently with appropriate content with success (try wording that for a bunch of strangers), including stories. My belief is that I probably could conceive a child, but I am afraid to try. My girlfriend has a few reproductive years left, and if I do have kids, yeah, I want them to be mine. I want them to look like her and me. I want them to have part of me in them. We have names picked out and everything. Now, does everyone see why I need to get this knocked down fast? I am running out of time and just want this so much. My two little dudes are growing up and leaving in a sense, and I NEED to fill the void. I need to make my girlfriend happy and I need kiddos to shower with love. The problem is that I just don't even know if I can take care of myself. I was waking up at about 11 the last two days to avoid dealing with this. Oh, yeah, and next week I have to go throw a pitch out at a MLB game for being named fantastic teacher. Do I deserve any of this? Do teachers of little children really look at half clothed ones for recreation? I just can't say they do. I wish every day that I hadn't EVEN LOOKED!!!

I am certain, there are far more confused people in the teaching profession, who are not as concerned as you are for their possibly inappropriate sexual thoughts, and have been involved in actual crimes. You are ahead of the pack in that you are wanting to ensure you do not, to the extreme perhaps, of limiting your ability to participate, joyfully, in your present. Isn't this the simple dynamic my friend?

How deeply have you gotten to know this 'love of your life?'

Relationships are everything, someone once wrote. The quality however, health of the relationships we create, and continue, depends on a more basic relationship. The relationship one has with oneself. Are we prone to being good to ourselves, forgiving, seeing the best in ourselves? It is not unusual for the habits we hold onto in our relationship with ourselves, are duplicatively reflected on others.

Learning to trust, to love, is the most essential foundational building block that fascilitates healthy relationships I've found.

This is where one learns to meet, to get to know, and to be authentic friends, in relationship with the image in ones mirror.

As for your Uncles business, or understanding him and his choices, that is, though really close-to-home, something entirely separate from you.

love and supportive hugs, always bw

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"I'm now stuck in a relationship" ???? wow, what does that do for you :( ?

vs I now have the opportunity of a relationship? .... and i 'feel' vs i am, (anything)

Doesn't that provide, if you are serious about altering the emotional cloud you find yourself under, an entirely different 'feel'?

Study, or not study, Practice, or not practice, 'doing yourself differently,'

==it is you alone that can or say to oneself 'I can't' (aka i won't)

if you want, and are serious, perhaps you can tell yourself, you know you can, but just now you're having difficulty figuring out how?

hugs

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SoO,

I really don't know how much was before, how much was after. I know that as soon I as heard of him going to jail, I should have never entertained these notions. That is what I mean by saying I feel bad I even looked, regardless of what it was. Maybe it was after, I really don't know. Like I said the website was on the web archives and it too said late 1990s, so who knows?

Can you imagine what an ass I feel like if that was after the fact? Knowing that it would be a terrible thing, and knowing that it could cause such distress? Now I think everyone might be able to see a little better why I hate myself!!! At the same time, I know some of this was before the fact just by the dates on the website. God, I hate this.

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SR, you are awesome. This is my belief, you can believe it or not, <smile, that is your business>

Thank you first of all for continuing to share, as openly as you have, where you are at on your path of your most excellent adventure.

I think, not that it matters what I think, really, you will find it increasingly useful to keep the issues simple, and present tense. (that is as opposed to complicated, tied to past possible stumblings/learnings about oneself)

This paragraph, i'd like to revisit, "I WAS INVITED. Yeah, I slept in the same bed with them because that was the arrangement made by the parents. My therapist asked if I didn't think I was crossing ethical lines by sleeping with my former students. That pissed me off....I had to be a parent at times too. I did all the cooking, cleaning, etc. when I needed to. I was invited as a friend of the family. The boys, loving me like they do, of course said could you cuddle with me when I was sleeping with them....and did I? You bet, because I love them and THEY asked. I never asked anyone to invite me anywhere and was completely willing to let them be students with whom my relationship would cease upon the conclusion of their time in my class, but circumstances and love demanded that I be more than that because the parents asked me to...not because I am some sicko that wants to sleep with boys, like my previous therapist thought. "

What exactly pissed you off about your therapist enquiring about the notion of 'crossing ethical lines"?

The kids longed to be shown, by cuddling, that you loved em and are a loveable soul. If you find your autonomous system reacting, in quite normal fashion, (because from the sounds of things you are not presently 'well fed' sexually,) or 'full' and this does happen, yah, it can be unsettling, and challanging. There is hardly a male that has not had to deal with this sr.

You on the other hand, are the best judge of you, you alone.

If you resultingly find that the fact of your needing sexual gratification, which is quite normal, (remember this),

overpowering your staying platonic and respectful of boundaries that can only lead to complications and further confusion

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Well, it explains why you think there was a red flag. Although, you don't actually remember if there was a flag and whether it was red. It's like you haven't seen one, but now you are convinced it must have been there.

You don't really know if you should feel like an ass now, do you? ;-) Take care

S.

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The only two things keeping me from being happy are the two websites that I mentioned..... far.nu/01boy and the Chippendiddys. Neither one of them are pornographic, but maybe they are mildly sexual, I don't know. You can go check them out though.....they are not illegal or anything. And for the life of me, I can not remember how much watching vs. pleasuring, if that much at all.....my bigger problem right now is that I even went there.

Sissa, I am not sure if the arousal is all that typical around kids. That is what bothers me. If someone could step forward and say, yeah, I have had that happen around my children before, I would feel so much better. No one should be aroused by a kid, but like I said, this NEVER happened until I was in a postion of longing for them because they were growing up. It is so screwed up. The mere fact my uncle is in jail should have made me snap twelve years ago. Why didn't I? How stupid can I be? I am not going to hurt anyone like he did, but why do I feel just as bad as he does. He has been given the chance for parole, but here I am sitting on the outside and feeling as badly as I would in prison. I promise those two sites are the worst two I even went to. Those are the two that are going to pound in my head every day. You can go look at them...they are not illegal or anything!

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The only two things keeping me from being happy are the two websites that I mentioned..... far.nu/01boy and the Chippendiddys. Neither one of them are pornographic, but maybe they are mildly sexual, I don't know. You can go check them out though.....they are not illegal or anything. And for the life of me, I can not remember how much watching vs. pleasuring, if that much at all.....my bigger problem right now is that I even went there.

Sissa, I am not sure if the arousal is all that typical around kids. That is what bothers me. If someone could step forward and say, yeah, I have had that happen around my children before, I would feel so much better. No one should be aroused by a kid, but like I said, this NEVER happened until I was in a postion of longing for them because they were growing up. It is so screwed up. The mere fact my uncle is in jail should have made me snap twelve years ago. Why didn't I? How stupid can I be? I am not going to hurt anyone like he did, but why do I feel just as bad as he does. He has been given the chance for parole, but here I am sitting on the outside and feeling as badly as I would in prison. I promise those two sites are the worst two I even went to. Those are the two that are going to pound in my head every day. You can go look at them...they are not illegal or anything!

Not that you have to believe it, but I can admit that I have, (allowed myself)

I don't think it is as uncommon as you imagine. It took many years of indepth studentship, and openness to eventually, learn to trust oneself, coming to face and to understand, and to appreciate the importance of getting straight with oneself, the why's and wherfore's of ones sexual appetite or habits, forgivingly. (now does that make it any easier for you? a magic bullet? no, i don't imagine so. Life does not work that way)

Each of us, i like to think, are here for a goodly reason, that is, to learn, to continue to learn, because it is ongoing......how to trust, be without fear, therefore free, free to celebrate each glorious moment, like the gently falling snowflakes, no two alike. Gratitude is a huge key my friend.

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Don't you think this is delusional thinking, meaning unreal thinking?

Allan

To me, Allan, this is perfectly how I feel. I do not know how to be happy anymore. Even doing the things I used to like is not fun for me anymore. I hate it. I even posted those websites on here so everyone can see they are not like pornographic or anything, but I will have those images from those sites in my mind for the rest of my life!!! Ugh! I am stuck. Have no idea what to do!

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Now, here I am stuck in a relationship in which my girlfriend wants to have kids like within the next year,

Do you feel like you are "stuck" in this relationship? Do you want to have children now? I understand that her biological clock may be ticking, but this needs to be your choice too. I know you say you would get a "yes" from your girlfriend regarding marriage, but how do you feel about this? Does she know you are struggling emotionally? Again, you don't have to answer any of my questions. These were thoughts that came to mind as I was reading through your posts.

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I really feel like she is the one that is stuck. No, she doesn't know I am struggling. Under normal circumstances, Irms, yes....I want children now and I want marriage now! If I didn't have this stuff in my way, I would pursue it head on. I want this so bad, but doesn't it seem like what I did and what I want do not go hand in hand? We were told at the beginning of our relationship by some of my friends what an excellent father I would make. This probably isn't true anymore....I can barely take care of myself. If all of this were not in my way, yes.....I would jump on it right now! I told Sissa, this is the last thing I feel I want to accomplish in life.....have the career I want and never thought I would get, met the girl I want, and the finish line is right around the corner. I have been running for 32 years trying to get here and now it is like someone said, no you can't have this. You have taught over 200 children, but you may not have 1 or 2 of your own.

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it seems there has been some softening in the way you view, and redress your life to yourself. To me it demonstrates a willingness to open up to yourself, and to perhaps consider being kindlier, this is impressive.

"running for 32 years trying to get here and now it is like someone said, no you can't have this. You have taught over 200 children, but you may not have 1 or 2 of your own."

Yes, it may feel like that, but at another level i'm sure you realize there is no-one 'out there' saying or telling you this, correct?

i really think you'll be many dollars ahead if you're able to print out, what we've been talking about, particularly how you've explained your predicament, and he/she'll have it in spelled out and easier for her to reflect, consider, and guide you thereafter with the highlights so clearly depicted by yourself. Sound like a plan?

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Guest SomethingOrOther
To me, Allan, this is perfectly how I feel. I do not know how to be happy anymore. Even doing the things I used to like is not fun for me anymore. I hate it. I even posted those websites on here so everyone can see they are not like pornographic or anything, but I will have those images from those sites in my mind for the rest of my life!!! Ugh! I am stuck. Have no idea what to do!

I don't know if it's important, but most of it isn't how you feel. It's what you think. In CBT theory what you feel isn't the same as what you think, but rather a consequence of what you think. "I will have those images in my mind for the rest of my life" is a thought. "I feel helpless" is a feeling that comes from it.

Did you have any conflicts in your relationship yet? It seems to me you don't know how to accept that things are "not normal" and how to talk about it and find a way to make you feel more comfortable.

S.

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That is just the thing, not normal. I think this is the stupidest and most abnormal thing I could have done. I am just so scared to be alive. I wake up sometimes and throw up. I hate that I have done this, though no one was hurt. I just want to feel relaxed enough that I don't consider taking my own life every day.

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I am just scared. I never thought in a million years that this would be my life. I am scared that I will be like this forever. I am scared that my best years are behind me, one of those being just last year. Oh my gosh, what have I done? I feel no better than a child porngographer, even though I have told you guys everything and it is on the internet, some of it being on YouTube.

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And again... it is not even funny how legal all of this stuff is. Another site was veoh.com. That is just an online video site. I could not make this stuff up if I tried. All of the stuff was speedos. I don't know why I went there or if there is a way to feel better. I promise the worst of it is Speedos. God, I am so embarassed and do not want to live.

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Guest SomethingOrOther

"Not normal" is your definition, though, not mine. It's clear you want the "normal" conditions back, but you might have to adapt to the conditions that are actually present.

I can hear that you're scared and I see that as the main problem. I know you disagree and think the main problem is what you did last summer or some years ago. Have you tried any methods to feel more relaxed?

S.

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No SoO,

I have no way to cope with this. It is constantly in my head. It is constantly bothering me. I have a lot of out of body experiences where I feel like I am looking down at myself but it is not me. I am starting therapy on Thursday. I don't know what else to do. I am so sad. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I want a wife and kiddos, but I want to feel like I deserve them. The thing is, I have worked so hard the last 9 years making other kids happy, so shouldn't I get a little back? I am so tired and almost dizzy with guilt. I can't do this! It is just too hard! I hope to God this therapy helps. I watched stuff on YouTube and have even told some of you what it was. I just feel so horrible that I did this. Can I really live out the rest of my life feeling so horrible? I don't want to because I have done so much for so many. I want help so bad. Who is going to lead me out of this hell, because I don't know the way!

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No SoO,

I have no way to cope with this. It is constantly in my head. It is constantly bothering me. I have a lot of out of body experiences where I feel like I am looking down at myself but it is not me. I am starting therapy on Thursday. I don't know what else to do. I am so sad. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I want a wife and kiddos, but I want to feel like I deserve them. The thing is, I have worked so hard the last 9 years making other kids happy, so shouldn't I get a little back? I am so tired and almost dizzy with guilt. I can't do this! It is just too hard! I hope to God this therapy helps. I watched stuff on YouTube and have even told some of you what it was. I just feel so horrible that I did this. Can I really live out the rest of my life feeling so horrible? I don't want to because I have done so much for so many. I want help so bad. Who is going to lead me out of this hell, because I don't know the way!

That is why you are starting therapy, is it not? The therapy should truly help you get to "bottom of it". Sometimes I need to remind myself that if I am brought to it, a power greater than myself will bring me through it. On my good days, which today happens to be, I am a strong believer in the saying that "there are no accidents". Everything happens for a reason, we just need to work extra hard at finding what that reason is.

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Hey Va,

Thanks for the inspiration. I believe that too, but I have a hard time forgiving myself. I don't know what to do. I can't even sleep without medication anymore. The sad thing is, well actually the sad things are, 1) I had an uncle arrested for raping boys. 2) I am a first grade teacher, and I should have known better. I want my own kids, but I see a lot of people out there saying ooohhhh....keep my kids away from him. Another crappy thing....I am an effing amazing teacher! Where does it all end?

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The boys' date=' loving me like they do, of course said could you cuddle with me when I was sleeping with them....and did I? You bet, because I love them and THEY asked.[/quote']

I think it is very important to realize that often times children don't know what is best for them, and it is then up to the adult in the relationship to protect their best interests. This is one reason why it is also important to act as an adult, and not as a friend in any relationship with a young child. I'm not addressing this specific behavior here with the boys, SR, but more your thought processes in this. THEY may ask to do many things, and it is not only okay, but sometimes it is necessary to say no.

...circumstances and love demanded that I be more than that because the parents asked me to...

Did you want to do this' date=' SR, or did you do it simply because the parents asked you to?

Yeah' date=' I went on vacations and stuff with them, but because I WAS INVITED.[/quote']

Maybe it would be helpful to consider what need this fills in you. Are there ways to fill these needs in your relationship with your girlfriend?

Now that they are growing up and I don't see them as much' date=' I am having those arousal issues where they never existed before. [/quote']

The wonderful thing about love is that it adjusts to changes in one's life, such as children growing up. When they do grow up, you will still love them, it is just different. How do you feel about that? My son is getting ready to leave for college. I still love him every bit as much as I ever have, but our interactions are different than they were when he was a small child. I feel so proud as his mother to watch him blossom into a fine young adult. The love I feel for him stays strong in my heart as I let him go and live his life.

As to becoming aroused, it might be helpful to listen to this, and pull away from any kind of behavior that brings up these feelings. This way you are able to maintain boundaries that protect both yourself and the children.

I support you, SR, and hope that you feel better. I think that therapy can be helpful for building your sense of self-worth in addition to helping you in your relationships. How are your experiences in your friendships? What else...besides teaching...are you wonderful at?

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Irma,

I am not the one with these boundary issues. I wanted to do everything I was asked because it was what a good person would do. I did everything I did because I was invited and because I was seen as a family friend. I am a little upset you are saying I need to pull away for their own good. I have been nothing but gold to these children. Also, I am not the one that demands the love. They come crawl up in my lap, etc. without me asking.

I did everything out of the kindness of my heart because they needed me to. I don't want to hurt them, ever. They are just about the most important things in my life. It is the love and attention that I gave them that my girlfriend says attracted her to me. You see, she is a friend of their family too. I have never had one urge to do anything but help, support, and love these children. I am not happy my physiology is responding the way it is, because for the better part of 4 years, it never did.

As for saying no sometimes, what am I supposed to do? Not let these kids sit on my lap anymore? They are the ones who want to be there...they crawl right up. There is already so much distance between us and this would just push us further apart. It is not like I was only friends with the kids, but the whole family as well. I don't want to have to evaluate or defend anything I did with these kids because everything was out of strong love, not lust. I am not any kind of person that wants to exploit children, though maybe on some levels, I did without realizing it, but especially the two I am talking about. They are family to me.

I did act as a friend, but there are plenty of times where I had to act as parent, discipline, etc. There is a reason that this kid does homework for me better than his parents. They are growing up, yeah, but with that comes further distance. I hardly see them anymore and it breaks my heart because they mean so much to me. I don't want to get in their pants or anything, geez! Not letting them do certain things to display their affection to me would be making this already growing distance even bigger, and let's face it, I need to be loved right now. I need to be hugged and cuddled. None of this stuff even came up until I remembered my past and now it is like it won't go away. I guess there are some things even God can't forgive, because to take away these two kids after all I did for them is like hell.

This all happened before I even met my girlfriend as far as the vacations as things go. I try to do things with her now, but I don't even feel worthy to do that.

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