What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[Sissagwaad]

Your arousal issues, are boundary issues, just as I shared they were for me.

You don't have to do or to prove anything. The issue is 'taking care' of yourself, and the issues you have with yourself.

your 'pulling away' if you want to see it as such, is for your own good, #1, they come a close second. (If everyone took perfectly good care of themselves, wouldn't everything be swell?)

the response: "because they needed me to" justifying your participation, is a justifying response. This is normal, we all justify our participation this way.

The point of its based on a belief that REALLY screams for me to question its validity.

Do you really believe, 'they need' as in would die, if you did not cuddle, or take them, so close to you physically, to possibly arouse your normal sexual needs? Is this not in part fulfilling as much, if not more a need in you.....to feel loved, appreciated, etc, etc? Yes, we all want this, and there are a multitude of ways we can 'get what we want,' Is it REALLY a need,? as in would die without, but more a want? (is there any real purpose or benefit of making it into an imagined 'need'?)

All irma was sharing is there are, as an adult, choices always, in how we can teach. You have a wonderful window and opportunity here, to, while continuing your own personal education, but to share it with others. Go for it with open-ness. No one is about telling you this or that is or was wrong. There is no need to defend, only opportunity to learn new, different ways, different choices, in our quest to learn how better to take care of ourselves. Happy school my friend hugs

its about learning this sense of being loved and loveable, ultimately comes from within us, not from 'needs' particularly, but from a desire to share.

[soregretful]

So,

Am I understanding this correctly? If they want to sit in my lap, say no? I think that will upset them. They will wonder why all of a sudden I am saying no. I mean I can, but that just makes me feel all the lonlier. Shoot, as it is, I hardly see them, and when they do see me, they want to love on me. I can say no, I guess, but that makes me feel like a robot who is incapable of loving. Especially when they have done this for years and nothing ever happened....why would I stop now? They would think that it is odd that I am not as close with them. I know this because I tried doing this and they said why can't we sit with you? If it is for their own good for me to not be close with them, I guess it is what I have to do. I just wish it didn't make me feel like crap. I am just couting the days off until I die. I hope it gets here soon.

[IrmaJean]

What you will be doing is teaching the children healthy boundaries. A very important lesson. This is very loving, SR. It will serve them well as they grow into adults and have relationships with others. Acting in a loving way sometimes means respecting where the limits are for everyone involved. You may be redefining things some with this, but this is sometimes necessary. It's actually something that every parent has to do at some point with their own children.

I'm sorry you're hurting, SR. What does being loving mean to you? Do you feel this when you are with your girlfriend? Can you tell her that you feel lonely and would like to be held?

[Chisholm]

SR

Perhaps it would be helpful to you to see it from a child's point of view and in turn the things that can go wrong.

As a child I was abused and raped for almost two years and the humiliating and most devastating thing for me (even now) is that I went back every time in spite of this. I grew up in a home where affection, love and healthy boundaries were pretty scarce and at best dysfunctional - I was desperate for attention as a child (as most children tend to be anyway). You see I was never taught to say NO - as a child we have very few boundaries so we depend on those older and more knowledgeable to teach and provide them. I was so needy that I craved any form of affection and threw myself into the clutches of a man that was more than willing to hug and kiss me - the eventual trauma was that those hugs and kisses turned into full blown child abuse and rape in the end - and yes I went back for more. I did not have the benefit of a caring and truly loving adult who could could lay down the boundary for me and show me how to say NO.

You have that opportunity to be that loving SR, to show them where the boundaries lie and in so doing you also have the opportunity to lay down your own boundaries. There is no greater act of loving.

On a different note you might want to google Freud's understanding of sexuality (oedipus complex, incest taboo, etc) and parental love - even he makes the seemingly outrageous claim (but pretty much well recognised in psychological terms) that parent's have been sexually stimulated by their own children but as a truly healthy and responsible parent, these urges are channelled elsewhere and healthy boundaries ensue. So you see SR, what you deem as manifestly warped, actually has a perfectly innocent etiology.

You need their love? No you dont SR - you need your own. Never never make the mistake of expecting your own children or anybody else's children for that matter to fill that emotional hole - that is yours alone to fill and having children just for this reason would be wrong. I say this with the gentlest and deepest concern only because I grew up parenting my own parents and I know what this did to me - it left me completely empty.

I now have my own beautiful children who I love very dearly, but always I am acutely aware of mirroring them and not the other way around.

SR you have so much potential and loving to give (yourself first and foremost). Your concern about this issue speaks volumes but you do not need to destroy yourself in the process. That you are going to therapy on Thursday is a huge and significant step. You should be so proud of yourself.

Please be gentle with yourself.

XX

[soregretful]

Guys,

It just makes me sad you are telling me I can't hold them or have them in my lap anymore. They look forward to it and with me not seeing them, they actually are eager to love on me when I do get the rare chance to see them.

I am not going to rape anyone, I promise. It just hurts that I am hearing don't hug or hold. And yes, I do this with my girlfriend, but it doesn't feel like something I am worthy of doing. I just hate this.

I never once begged the kids to snuggle up to me, etc. That is something they want to do. Now that I have done this for a few years, it would be almost like losing someone to give up the only hugs, etc. that I get. It hurts so much.

You can think I crossed boundaries, but it was never my idea to go on trips. It was never my idea to console, cuddle when grandma died. It was never my idea to put them in my lap. Never! The kids love me just as much as I do them and they pretty much race to cuddle or hug on me when I am around. It isn't like I was trying to assault anyone. I think the best thing for me to do is just give up seeing them. I just want to die. That is all I want. That is the only way for this pain to go away. I made the most horrible mistake of my life and most people that read the post are probably thinking I am some type of pedophile.....you know what....who can blame them? I can't....that is pretty much how I feel about myself anymore. All I did was love these two kids like they were my own. I only held when held, hugged when hugged, and loved when I was loved. That is it!

If boundaries mean not letting them show affection for me, then the best thing for me is to just not see them anymore, because that is much easier than being around and not showing them the love I genuinely have for them in a completely nonsexual way and not allowing them to love me. Maybe I should have realized that the speedo kids could have been them. I hate myself. There is absolutely no way I feel I can get through this. It hurts so much every day.

[IrmaJean]

It just hurts that I am hearing don't hug or hold.

I would listen to your signals. If it is arousing you, don't do it.

And yes' date=' I do this with my girlfriend, but it doesn't feel like something I am worthy of doing. [/quote']

Did you feel worthy with the children? These are things to explore and work on in therapy.

Now that I have done this for a few years' date=' it would be almost like losing someone to give up the only hugs, etc. that I get. It hurts so much.[/quote']

SR, please know that I want the best for you. I want to support you. I will say with the most loving care that the children are not here for the purpose of meeting your needs. I understand that you get fulfillment from physical contact and that it will hurt without it. What I'm trying to express is that you fulfill this need within an adult relationship. And as Chisholm said, you learn to love yourself.

You can think I crossed boundaries' date=' but it was never my idea to go on trips.[/quote']

But you made the decision to go...

I only held when held' date=' hugged when hugged, and loved when I was loved.[/quote']

I realize this, but as the adult in the relationship you have the responsibility of putting boundaries in place that protect both yourself and the children. This is healthy for everyone involved. Can you see that having your needs met by two young children is not a good idea for anyone?

If boundaries mean not letting them show affection for me' date=' then the best thing for me is to just not see them anymore, because that is much easier than being around and not showing them the love I genuinely have for them in a completely nonsexual way and not allowing them to love me.[/quote']

It's isn't as black and white as not allowing them to show affection. It has to do with safety and comfort level. Your boundaries are telling you to not allow this kind of contact. You need to listen to this. And as to not seeing them anymore, I don't think you can effectively avoid dealing with this, SR. If you are going to have your own children and if you have relationships with other children, you will be faced with this again.

Maybe I should have realized that the speedo kids could have been them. I hate myself. There is absolutely no way I feel I can get through this. It hurts so much every day.

SR, I'm so sorry you are hurting. Since yesterday I have been going back and forth in mind as to whether or not to bring this up with you. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to upset you. I didn't want you to be upset with me. But I decided to bring it up because I felt it was very important for you (and for the children) that this be brought out in the open and discussed. sometimes acting in a loving way hurts, but we do have to do it anyway, because it's right for those who are involved.

We care about you, SR. Go to therapy and talk with your therapist about all of this. It will be okay. Keep expressing yourself here if it helps.

With loving care and concern,

Beth

[Sissagwaad]

its not like anyone is saying 'never' sr. just to recognize your own issues, and normal sexual needs, AND an opportunity to do what you do, from what you say, so well, 'teach'.......and to grow towards being aware you do have options and opportunities to teach....."where the authentic sense of being loved and lovable comes from". Having someone, ones own age, to experience/SHARE what one feels for oneself, with another, (vs 'getting it' from another, as in having children,) is icing on the cake.

Its putting emphasis on giving what one's got, feelings about oneself, that one shares with others, vs looking for proof of ones being loved or loveable from externals, is where the breakthrough in healthy relationships comes through.

On another note, can you give us an idea what age or class do you or have you taught? What life, relationship values, do you perceive as part of your mission to teach youngsters? What do you think is important for your students to come away with having had the opportunity of your leadership?

[soregretful]

Guys,

I am not trying to meet any needs by doing any of this. I am just trying to show two teriffic kids I love them.

Maybe I should have let them walk out the door last year after I had the little one and said off you go. But, really, neither of us wanted that. If that is what I have to do, I will though. It just hurts to know that everything is ending and now it feels like it more than ever. No more snuggling on the couch to watch a movie? I mean this was never my idea. I will stop though. And yes, I may as well just say goodbye the next time I see them, because I am putting off the inevitable if I think we are going to have any kind of friendship the rest of my miserable life. So, as hard as it is, I will say goodbye. From what it sounds like, everyone is telling me I should never have gotten that involved with them in the first place. It's not like I asked for this to happen. I have taught well over 200 kids and have been fine letting every one of them go. Maybe it should have just as well been 202.

[IrmaJean]

,

I am not trying to meet any needs by doing any of this. I am just trying to show two teriffic kids I love them.

SR, you say this, but your thoughts when you have expressed them here indicate something else. And not just once...many times. I understand that it's very difficult and painful to look at yourself. It's hard for any of us...but if you want to get to the heart of your difficulties and challenges, you have to stare them right in the eye.

No more snuggling on the couch to watch a movie?

Isn't this about your needs? I'm not trying to be hard on you' date=' SR. I'm bringing these things up because I feel strongly that you need to explore this in order to heal. Why not then snuggle on the couch with your girlfriend?

I mean this was never my idea.

This is rationalization. True you were asked, but the decision and the want/need to fulfill was yours.

And yes' date=' I may as well just say goodbye the next time I see them, because I am putting off the inevitable if I think we are going to have any kind of friendship the rest of my miserable life.[/quote']

All children grow up. We don't stop loving them when they do. We don't need them to be children to feel love for them. All relationships eventually end.

It's not like I asked for this to happen.

More rationalization. You wanted it, and you allowed it to happen. This is something I think you need to face and confront, as painful and difficult as it might be. I know this is hard, SR! I realize I am being up front and direct with you. Please know that my words come with the intent to guide you along the path to healing. I'm sorry this is so painful.

This is something to explore and learn from with the help of a qualified therapist. You will need to look hard at yourself and work very hard in therapy. Things can get better! You can feel better about yourself. You can come to realize that you are worthy of love in an intimate relationship with a similar age partner. You can have your own children. You can be a good father. You can have your dream. You can do it, SR. But, I feel that you have to look and face yourself first.

Please know that I come from a sincere place of compassion and support for you. Take gentle care.

[soregretful]

I don't understand.....what did I allow to happen? If your friends wanted you to go somewhere with them, and you had worked your butt off, what is wrong with going? Are you saying I should just sit on my butt and not try to enjoy life a little bit?

Are you saying it even a mistake to go? I thought I was just enjoying myself and the kids were too. Am I being told that I should never have gone, even as an invited and welcomed guest?

I guess it really doesn't matter, because my friendship with them is essentially over anyway. I think I may just say goodbye for good the next time I see them.

I DO snuggle with my girlfriend too. It's not like for one second I feel worthy of it though. It's not like I only cuddle with the boys. If someone loved you and wanted you to, wouldn't you do it? I mean, if your own child wanted to cuddle you, you wouldn't? I know these kids aren't mine, but hey, I acted like a parent in so many ways. I just don't get all of this. Am I hearing that getting close to these kids was a mistake in the first place? Like I said, I was completely willing and expecting for them to walk out the door the last day and never see them again. Is it wrong that when they actually wanted to stay close that I did? I am having a very hard time finding anything I did wrong here.

Like I said, it doesn't matter, because they might as well be dead to me. If that is what everyone thinks is best, I can do it. I just didn't realize that loving someone back was such a bad thing.

Does anyone think that my thoughts suggest I want them sexually? That is kind of what I am hearing and I am not sure what to say about this. Uh, no....I don't want them sexually. I didn't think I would have to reiterate this.

It must be so nice to have any life but mine. It must be great never to have done anything you litreally want to kill yourself for.....count your blessings people that you are not me, because it is not a fun thing to be right now and ending my life seems like the best alternative I can come up with every day. I am afraid that one day I may go through with it, but not all that afraid. When push comes to shove, I can blow my ass away. I would be happy to do it if I had the means and may start looking for them again. The only way I can think of to take care of myself is literally to take care of myself.

[IrmaJean]

SR, I'm in your corner and don't wish to upset you.

I will answer your question.

I mean' date=' if your own child wanted to cuddle you, you wouldn't?[/quote']

Beyond a certain age, no, I wouldn't. My kids never wanted to beyond age 4-5. All kids are different, though, and I understand this.

I hope you are feeling better.

[Sissagwaad]

You don't understand? I know I don't understand either.

I'm not sure exactly what you don't understand.

All I see is common-sense being offered, for you to simply consider, given your issues about your fear about being aroused, sexually.

There's been sharings by some of what they have learned about their sexuality, and offered ideas, suggestions for you to consider.

No one is telling you, or able to make you do anything, or change anything you don't embrace doing, or doing differently as before.

You asked us for our input, and you've received it. You are free to do what you like, to alter or to not alter your perceived role in the lives of children longing, as we all do to be held, and nutured. (some for their own reasons, will have a predisposition from their upbringing to seem to want this more than others)

This is a great opportunity for you to grow in your own maturity, so that you can avoid the kind of pitfalls that your Uncle felt motivated, uncontrolably to do in order to take care of his need to experience/pretend, he was loved, loveable, probably in a confused way)(I'm guessing he was motivated by fear, relating to not believing himself loved or loveable) I know of a lot of true life situations that parallel this my friend.

To life and to learning,

[Musicman]

IrmaJean, I respectfully disagree with you. In the past, I have thought that you offered excellent advice, but I cannot condone your current suggestions.

Sissa, I understand that you're trying to help, but from the sounds of your last comment(s,) I fear this thread may be heading in the same direction as SR's last one. It would benefit no one if this were the case. Remember that when frustrated, it is better to not post anything than to post a frustration-filled comment.

SR, I see no need for you to limit your contact with the boys. They and their parents asked you to be part of their lives. The boys invited you to "cuddle" with them, and the parents asked you to accompany them on trips. Humans naturally need contact with one another. In my eyes, you are an "adopted" family member. I see no harm in that. SR, I cannot stress enough that you did NOTHING wrong by becoming close with the boys. While you shouldn't be limiting your contact with the boys, you SHOULD be with your girlfriend more often. By offering the boys love, you are receiving it in return. You are not doing this for yourself, but for them. SR, please don't break off your relationship with them. It will only hurt them and yourself.

Your recent arousal around the children is odd, but not something to take a huge amount of alarm towards. You have no desire to engage in any relations with any children. The thought of doing so is repulsive to you. I think that because you are convincing yourself that you are no better than a pedophile, you are tricking your body into a false state of arousal. I don't think it's any secret that men often become aroused at inappropriate times for no apparent reasons. Your arousal doesn't necessarily mean anything.

SR, I implore you to restrain from thinking any suicidal thoughts. Doing so is taking the coward's way out. The mere fact that you joined this community and have been posting for a while means that you want help. You realize that you are worth something, even if you don't know what that something is. I cannot say that I haven't ever thought anything suicidal. I've just never allowed myself to take those thoughts seriously.

SR, I understand that you are in a fragile state of mind, and if you feel that you don't want to post here for a few days so that you can get your thoughts together, by all means, don't do it. Please, though, don't leave. It is vital for your own wellbeing that you look for help.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I haven't read all of the discussion, but I think it's only partially about whether kids should be hugged or not.

Sr, what I think is important is that those kids are used to cuddle you and it was okay for you usually, but now you get feelings of arousal and you don't want that. I know your arousal worries you and that your sexuality is an issue of concern for you. And I believe the cuddling might give you an inner conflict now. Does it? Isn't it normal then to shift the boundaries into a place that you are comfortable with again? I think of it as a question of how you can redefine the boundaries so that your contact doesn't trouble you. And I think kids are actually much more used to boundaries that are being redefined than anyone.

How is it that all is worthless when you do that for yourself? I know you are sad that your relationship changes when they grow up, but it will do that anyway and not because you take care of your own wellbeing. Also, I realise you've mentioned the cuddling frequently to prove to everyone that you're not a pedophile. That doesn't mean when people say the cuddling might not be good, that they think you're a pedophile.

S.

[hatemeds]

Musicman said:

By offering the boys love, you are receiving it in return. You are not doing this for yourself, but for them.

Having read some of SR's comments I respectfully beg to differ Musicman. These are some of the things SR said himself:

Now that I have done this for a few years, it would be almost like losing someone to give up the only hugs, etc. that I get. It hurts so much. .........and let's face it, I need to be loved right now. I need to be hugged and cuddled.........My two little dudes are growing up and leaving in a sense, and I NEED to fill the void.

By his own admission, he feels that in many ways these kids do fill a hole and as Chisholm so rightly stated - only we can do that - you canna rely on the kids - your or anyones to do so man.

Musicman said:

Your recent arousal around the children is odd, but not something to take a huge amount of alarm towards. You have no desire to engage in any relations with any children. The thought of doing so is repulsive to you.

BUT SR instinctively is worried about these feelings and so I think as a mature adult both for his sake and that of the kids (who DO NEED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES SET FOR THEM), he needs to follow his instincts and set appropriate boundaries NOT BECAUSE he is a paedophile or anything like it but because he is the responsible adult in this case.

I think both Chisholm and IrmaJean are spot on.

And whats more I think that the very reason that SR is on this forum is cos he instinctively knows all is not as it should be either. Brother the fact that you have waged war in your mind and now gonna seek therapy (with hopefully more than a halfwit this time round) is commendable and brave. I salute you.

[soregretful]

I am not trying to fill a hole with these kids either.....it's that for the last 4 years, they were the hole.

[IrmaJean]

Good morning, SR. I would like to bring the thread back to a gentle place of support for you.

What you have just written is very thought-provoking. If you feel comfortable with doing so, would you consider explaining further? If you do not, this is perfectly fine and your decision.

I'm sorry that you are hurting, SR. What can we do to best support you at this time?

[Sissagwaad]

I am not trying to fill a hole with these kids either.....it's that for the last 4 years, they were the hole.

I agree, how can we help, as in further fascilitate your furthering your explorations and coming to understand, accept, and feel more loving towards yourself, for yourself?

how do you mean, in what way have they been 'the hole?' the last 4 years?

ps I know it is difficult. When you have time, can you reflect/share your vision/role/purpose/ideals on what you want your students/children to learn from you? (about their lives and life) hugs bw

[soregretful]

What I mean by that is that I did a lot of things with this family, not just the kids, for the last 4 years. I went to over 500 soccer games easily. I helped when they needed it, etc. I did everything with them, including vacations, yes. Which I was invited on, and yeah, as far as boundaries, did I have to go, no, I guess not, but why wouldn't I want to take a vacation? I was offered as a friend, etc. Maybe I could have said no, but why would I? Can't I have a little fun? Now, I am spending less and less time with them. Hugging and stuff aside, I can't even be around them anymore without crying. I just miss them. I really have nothing else to take their place...not just the kids, but the friendship of the family.

So, what I mean by this, is like if you did just about everything with someone and then they just stopped hanging out with you, it hurts. I need this friendship in my life because it is one of the strongest I have. I was horribly depressed about this before any of these horrible memories came up.

Now, like I have told you, when the kids do see me, they want to be right up on me because they love me dearly. It is not me fulfilling any kind of need, they love me. They were the ones to say it first. They said they loved me and then I reciprocated. Could I have said no sitting in my lap? Sure, I guess, but 4 years ago, nothing was wrong and to just go and pull the rug out from them is going to be even further distance. I understand what everyone is saying, just hang out but maybe not as much touchy feely stuff....the thing is we have done that for almost 4 years just like that. At any rate, I don't even feel comfortable around them anymore. I don't feel comfortable around anyone. I feel like some type of pervert that is destined to die alone. After all, what's it going to matter if I do or don't see them? I will still feel like dirt no matter what.

I can't live knowing I am the one that possibly pleasured myself to pictures of children. The fact that I am getting aroused by the kids suggests that more than likely I did. That is disgusting and if I offed myself, I would be doing the world a big favor. I just didn't realize I was such a horrible person. I deserve nothing but what I am getting because it is my own stupidity that put me in this position. I am such an a-hole!

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

So do you have this feeling of loss because you get invited to see them less often? Did something change about your relationship to the family to cause that?

[IrmaJean]

I will still feel like dirt no matter what.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, SR. This is something that you can talk about with your therapist. All of us have value. You have great value as a human being. I know you can't see that right now, but going to therapy can be helpful in finding the way to loving yourself. You can get there, SR.

Maybe it would be helpful to open up to your girlfriend, and allow her to offer you comfort and love if you are needing nurturing right now. What is it about you, SR, that the children love so dearly? Can you see and appreciate those aspects of yourself?

[soregretful]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, SR. This is something that you can talk about with your therapist. All of us have value. You have great value as a human being. I know you can't see that right now, but going to therapy can be helpful in finding the way to loving yourself. You can get there, SR.

Maybe it would be helpful to open up to your girlfriend, and allow her to offer you comfort and love if you are needing nurturing right now. What is it about you, SR, that the children love so dearly? Can you see and appreciate those aspects of yourself?

What the kids really love about me is that I love them. I can see all of the things they love about me like that I am a good teacher, etc. But the thing they like about me most is that I love them. The thing they most value is the affection I give them. They came in for a quick second for my birthday and cuddled on me for a picture, and yeah, sat in my lap. No real arousal issues. Their cards were to the effect of I love you so much, and I miss you. Even the ten year old, who is probably more the one that these issues arise with, writes I love you very much. It is not like I desire them sexually. There is real love here, it is not like I am trying to get an emotional or sexual buzz off of these guys. I mean, these boys and I are as close as two people can be. My girlfriend and I have gotten this close too, though I don't deserve her. I appreciate everything everyone does about me, but I despise the part of me that thought it was a good idea to look at this crap on the internet. There is no real value in me because of that and I mostly feel like I deserve to suffer because I did this to myself.

[Sissagwaad]

Good luck tomorrow with your therapist.

If you could explain your dillema, as simply as you have above, i'm sure he/she will have a clear idea what tools you can utilize to work yourway through this seemingly impossible dillema you are facing.

Some of the earlier sharings i mentioned will also help her focus on untangling these confusing feelings.

Try and not take anything for granted, if something seems negative, ask about what he/she means, rather take it for granted assumptively.

hugs my friend, wish i could give you one from the heart. bw

[IrmaJean]

I wanted to note that I think it's great that we can all discuss our thoughts and opinions respectfully (even when they are different) in an effort to best support SR. Different viewpoints are always welcome. In the end, the choices and decisions are yours, SR.

Is today your birthday? Happy birthday!!!

When you are loving, what do you feel inside? What do you connect with as a part of yourself that you want to share and offer to others? I know I've asked similar questions before, but I am hoping that you can look inside yourself and feel those gifts from within. Something to think about.

I also wish you well in therapy tomorrow.

[Musicman]

Having read some of SR's comments I respectfully beg to differ Musicman. These are some of the things SR said himself: By his own admission, he feels that in many ways these kids do fill a hole and as Chisholm so rightly stated - only we can do that - you canna rely on the kids - your or anyones to do so man.

True, SR admitted that they are helping to fill a void in his life. By his own admission, though, he only went along for the ride. My initial point was that this isn't a one-sided relationship. SR is offering just as much love as he is receiving.

BUT SR instinctively is worried about these feelings and so I think as a mature adult both for his sake and that of the kids (who DO NEED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES SET FOR THEM), he needs to follow his instincts and set appropriate boundaries NOT BECAUSE he is a paedophile or anything like it but because he is the responsible adult in this case.

Even if SR is becoming aroused around the boys, it doesn't mean that he is posing any sort of harm. Why set boundaries when there is no evident victim? I get the feeling that the boys will probably not regret having ever gotten this close to him. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't people love because they want to be loved in return? It seems that love is both the most unselfish and selfish emotion one can have.

We cannot compare these boys to Chisholm. Chisholm was repeatedly molested by someone who he/she thought loved him/her. Chisholm went back time and time again for the sake of feeling close to someone. Now, Chisholm feels shame. I can imagine no reason for the boys to feel shame. They are wanting love and affection and are receiving it from a loving adult. I fail to see why offering the boys love is irresponsible. SR has become very close with this family. He seems to have taken on a role of "honorary father." He didn't ask for this, but the family did. I see this as a beautiful thing. Others may not.

Remember, I said that while I don't think he should be widening the gap between him and the boys, he SHOULD be strengthening his bond with his girlfriend.

SR, you commonly post that you deserve what is happening to you. If you truly felt this way, I don't think you'd be looking for help. Something inside you is telling you that you deserve a second chance. SR, have you always felt lonely, or did this feeling develop recently?