Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Progress?


Recommended Posts

I wrote here a while back about going to my psychotherapist for severe depression that I have had since I was 11 (I am 30 now) due to emotional abuse as a child and growing up in an authoritarian household. Even though I wasn't sure if the psychotherapy would work, I have kept going religiously each week on a "just in case it might work" type basis.. lol. I will admit straight up that, being a very logical person, I was very skeptical about psychotherapy but then again, I have heard a lot of good things about it so I wanted to give it a crack. Also too, I realised that having been severely depressed all my life, I do tend to have a very negative attitude about everything so I kicked myself in the butt and kept at it!

The therapist I have is really good, she has 30 years experience, she strikes me as a very wise person, and she is definitely a smart cookie. But recently I have found that every time I go there, regardless of what I plan on talking about (i write notes and take them in with me) I end up being really angry, pessimistic and "there is no hope for me" ish. No matter what she says, when I get into this mode I have a negative answer up my sleeve for everything she says. I always come out of the session each week absolutely FILLED with rage (not at her in particular, just at my life) and each week I vow that I will quit therapy "tomorrow". Then the next day (when I have come back down to the planet earth) I feel like an idiot, I don't quit therapy, and I go back to the her the next week, rinse, repeat. I do not go into these sessions with a negative attitude - its like if she brings up any topics whatsoever it just flicks my anger button into the ON position and we are off and running. It is not something I can control (and lord, have I tried).

I feel like I have wasted 1.5 years of sessions where I COULD have been working on my issues, by doing this. Since about 2 months in, I have done this every..single..session. But I can't stop it! I feel like if I was able to stop doing this, I could actually work on my issues and I might have been a lot less depressed by now. I don't have any problems with her as a person, I look at her as the neutral third party so I have no opinion about her - so its definitely not a personality clash. I think I would do this regardless of who the therapist was.

I did talk to her about this a few times and she just gave all those mysterious answers like "why do YOU think it is happening?" which, in turn, flicks on the switch and off I go.. lol. I'm thinking that maybe I have been put into the "too hard basket".. but I don't know for sure. But I am 95% sure that she isn't doing anything wrong.. its some weird thing that I do - it is on my end. I read somewhere on the internet that when anger is shown, then that means that therapy is taking place and it is an indicator of progress. If that is the case then I am making A LOT OF PROGRESS! haha . Uhg even just thinking about this has ticked me right off.

Anyway any responses would be appreciated! :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds to me like it might be a good idea to read her exactly what you've just written - because it is indeed something that should be discussed in therapy. And if she gives you the vague - "well what do you think thats about" story - tell her you dont rightly know and that her vague questions annoy you even further.

Hell I reckon we all pay with time and money - why not be brutally honest and see how the fat flies

****

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello, Sardonyx, nice to hear from you again! :(

I know what you mean. I don't have this problem in general, but it happened several times. I wasn't so angry, I was mostly hopeless and felt like "nothing could help me, ...". And... I was angry on myself for being like that and sabotaging my therapy.

It's ok when she only ask "what do YOU think...". My T does this often, too. And it has always been frustrating for me, but... it seems I've learned already that it's ok and that "the answer" will "appear" someday.

It would be too long and complicated to write about my case, but I'd like to give you an advise based on my experience and on some stuff I've read:

Don't try not to be angry. Don't fight against this "strange symptom". Rather, try to analyse it. Try to observe yourself and search for some minor "signs" and some unnoticed feelings, contexts, associations, ... I hope your therapist will help you with this. Maybe you could ask her for help, explaining this new "strategy" to her. Tell her you'd like to analyse the anger, but you feel you need her help, some hypotheses, less general questions.

Good luck! :)

L.

Edited by LaLa3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I know how you feel. When I get angry about something during my sessions, especially if I'm repeating myself, I feel like I am wasting sessions. I notice it happens when I'm feeling really sad, frustrated, hopeless and walked all over. If I'm feeling a little more upbeat, I don't get so angry. I think analyzing why you think it is happening is a good idea. Are there other emotions present with it? Is there a particularly toxic person in your life right now? Is there some additional stressor in your life for the past two months? Did you lose connection with your therapist?

I don't always go into the sessions prepared. My therapist would prefer "free association" anyway. But if I can't shake a particular topic that is triggering my anger, I will try to come prepared with issues that are less likely to trigger so I don't sabotage myself every single session. I pretty much feel like I go backwards when I get angry in my sessions because it is usually about the same set of current unsolvable, traumatic crises in my life and it just makes me feel so much worse afterwords.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...