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Feeling lost


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I feel so lost even though I try to put up a brave 'in control of the situation' front externally. I live with my parents after my divorce. My mom has recently been having severe stomach pains. This last week has been so hectic, running around through a battery of tests of all sorts from Blood tests, stool test, CEA and CT Scan. My dad is old and gets jittery on hearing about any illness. In short, not expected to do any running around. So, I have been taking mom around in various hospitals and diagnostic testing facilities for the range of tests given. I'm so glad its not a tumor. Thank GOD! for that. But shes been detected with polyps, a cyst and pericolonic fat which means she needs to undergo colonoscopy. Handling all this alone makes me exhausted, physically and emotionally.

I'm sorry I'm not complaining but its just that I haven't handled such situations entirely alone ever before. But I give reassurances to both my parents, cook healthy meals for them and make sure they are eating right and this last week has been just to exhausting. Though I dont say it, I feel like I need a vacation. Its just been too much. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but my ex-husband was a surgeon who handled such cases smoothly and easily. Did I do the right thing leaving him? At least he could have been of some help to my mom and her health. There's a world of difference getting appointments for tests and doctor visits when I used to visit doctors as a doctor's wife and NOW! after my divorce when I go as a commoner. I know I shouldn't feel this but I cant help feeling that my ex could have made my life much easier with instant medical help for my mom. I'm wrong to feel like this right?

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I cannot expect him to help me as a professional doctor when he couldn't even be honest to the marriage. He has completely cheated me in the marriage, hidden a lot of things about himself and his past. Still I accepted him and then he got abusive, yes physically too. He maybe a brilliant doctor but he's lost all the respect with his immature inhuman ways. I shouldnt even be thinking about him but I cant help myself especially since he specialises in the illness my mother is undergoing. No, I dont need his advice. There are many specialists in his field here. Its just that the personal attention to my mother was possible if he had still been in my life and things would have moved much faster. I just cant help thinking this way. But I'm glad to be out of the marriage as it was living hell! Its difficult for me to explain. I'm not sure if you or anyone else will understand what I'm saying.

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Divorce takes part of our identity away.

For a while, you were "a doctor's wife"; I was "a father".

Even when we know that things have changed, or maybe were never the way we imagined them, it's natural to want to cling to the identity we had, that the marriage gave us. We invested in it. We know now that it wasn't true, but there's still grief over the loss.

Does that come anywhere close?

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malign, yes. I don't want to cling on to the identity. I'm saying if I had still maintained that identity medical help would have been very very easy. As easy as being right from within home. Many times I would just have to mention his name and the guys would come home from the path lab and collect blood for blood tests. We didn't even have to step out of the house nor wait anywhere.

Now I have to take an appointment, take her to the hospital, wait in line for her turn and so on. And this is just the blood test I'm mentioning. For every single test, things were so simple earlier. Now the waiting lines, the appointments and running around is a long tedious process. Earlier he would just call up and things would move fast. Or even if I called and mentioned his name, things were super fast and effortless. This helps in diagnosing and treating conditions which could be as serious as tumor. I'm saying I'm leaving no stone unturned in giving her the best speedy medical treatment by taking her to the best of doctors, but earlier it was so easy as my ex himself specializes in all this.

And yes, I do miss him inspite of everything. Its all so complicated to explain.

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Hi, Sensitive.

I couldn't help but notice the location from which you are posting. I know perspectives on marriage might be a little more conservative over there, which could be making it harder on you. Also, keep in mind that my perspective on marriage is probably tinted with American glasses, but here goes:

Sometimes marriages just don't work out and it's no one's fault. Other times, it IS more one person's fault than another's, as in cases of abuse, (whether verbal, emotional, or physical). Whatever the case, it is never up to just one person to make a marriage work.

In conservative settings where divorce is looked down upon, potential abusers are likely very AWARE of this culture and use it against their victim, knowing that she (or he) will feel more trapped because of it.

In the midst of your stress, don't doubt your decision to leave an abusive situation. It was the best thing for him, too.

I suspect you may be feeling guilty over the divorce, particularly since your ex could have helped your parents. The irony has to be just killing you. I know it would kill me.

But...is your parent's physical health worth the sacrifice of your psychological health? That's the gist of it. That's what it all comes down to. You made a healthy decision to save yourself (and your ex too) from an unhealthy situation.

But, alternatively, would you have been willing to sacrifice yourself on the pyre of you ex-husband's abuse to save your parents?

As for your other main problem, it sounds like you're dealing with issues of identity, like Malign said, and also issues of DUTY. Are daughters, particularly unmarried daughters, expected to care for ailing parents? You've gone from being a wife to being a daughter again, and...it doesn't sound like you're leaving much time to yourself.

Don't get me wrong, caring for your parents is a noble endeavor and I'm sure they're grateful for the assistance. However, if you keep putting yourself "last in line" you may find yourself one day with nothing left to give, if you haven't already.

Find a way to feed your own soul and give yourself space to breath, even if you have to be creative to do so. It's crucial.

All the best,



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