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My world stopped today.....


Jenna520

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I'm thinking he's possibly feeling badly that you are left alone to carry on the responsibility as leader for the family, and, perhaps even worse that you might be spending any part of your precious moments/gift of life, being distressed or angry about anything. What do you think?

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I honestly don't know what he would want, because I apparently didn't know my brother. Had I known he had a habit, God knows I would have went to extremes to intervene. I feel as though all my memories are fake mainly because he was apparently putting on a front while in the presence of me, my father, and many others. You know, there were over a thousand signatures in his visitors log from the funeral,- that's just the ones that signed. I wonder how many of those were looking at me with pity because they knew the secret and I didn't?

My dad told me not long after the funeral that he guessed he had passed the family health curses to us kids... heart problems being the main one. It made my heart hurt to see that he was trying to blame himself. Now that I know it has nothing to do with genetics or heredity, I can't say anything because he's too emotionally fragile to ever handle the truth. I've taken the responsibility of taking this secret to the grave with me for the sake of my dad.

My mother told me she loved me today for the first time in three weeks, or since I confronted her with what I knew and criticizing her for enabling my brother's habit. I've been extremely angry with her and still am. I think maybe her conscience is getting to her a bit. I love her ofcourse, but being angry with your mother is a hard thing to deal with.

I don't even want to see my sister in law. It makes me physically ill to see her. Knowing that she's lying, knowing she got just as messed up that night, unable to render aid to my brother due to her own inebriated state.

Another thing has come about. My father wants to sale their home and farm, and move out of state because in his words, "it holds too many memories" to cope with. Everywhere he goes, he sees something that reminds him of my brother. My question is this: Why would you leave your only surviving child to run from the death of other? How am I supposed to accept that? It makes me feel like I'm not important enough to stay around.

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It's 5 A.M. and I can't sleep. Seems it's common on Friday nights. I think it's because subconsciously I know it's the night and time charlie passed. I've been on a hell of a ride when it comes to emotions the last little bit. This has been a roller coaster I'd rather not have ever stepped foot on. I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Before he passed away, I was content being a full time mother and house wife. Now I'm thinking about going to school again, getting a degree, do something with my life. There's so many things I wanted to do and somehow I lost my motivation over the years. I'd love to have more kids, but my life was endangered by having my last one. I'm not sure my health is good enough to go through another pregnancy. I've been having blood pressure issues the past six months as well, so I've definitely got to get that under control before having another child.

I went to college for a while, but now I'm not able to physically do the occupation of my choice. I was majoring in criminal justice so that I could become a State Police Officer, but my health has declined so much. I don't know what else I would be interested in doing. I've wanted to be a police officer my whole life.

I'm down right delirious with fatigue at this point.

I've got to busy my mind with a hobby. I just haven't figured anything out yet to do. I've tried sewing new curtains by hand but I got so frustrated with it that I quit mid way through the project.

I've got a song that was played at the funeral stuck in my head and it won't go away. It's so true. I posted the link so you guys could hear it. Any one who's ever experienced a loss would feel connected to this song.

Again, as I have in previous posts, I want to thank everyone who has replied. Your kind words and support have helped me to keep my sanity. I had no one around me to talk to, but on here everyone accepted me with open arms and embraced me in this time of awful hurt. I pray for god to heal your hearts, minds, and bodies. We all have something in common here, and that's pain- whether it be mental, emotional or physical. Only here can we be honest and not expect to be judged for our struggles. This forum is a blessing (and I don't have to pay big money to vent.) LOL. I get more constructive feedback here than I do with my therapist.

Much love to all, I must try to get some sleep. The children will be up in a few hours.

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I want you to know that I'm listening. It sounds as though your entire family is struggling and trying to find their way through this. :) I'm sorry for your pain and sadness. This must be so very difficult! I hope you were able to get some sleep.

I've been doing online schooling and it's been going very well. I think it's wonderful to reach for your dreams.

Keep talking as much as you need.

Take very gentle care of yourself, Jenna.

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