need to vent

[nathan]

I'm stuck alienating myself from the world again. Its a pathology I seem to always fall back into. When I go out I feel like I am supressing some serious hate for everyone, I just want to fight people and grab every attractive girl I see. Of course I cannot do that so it is all suppressed, which inevitably shows through when I interact with others. ITs a sort of denial for society which inevitably makes others deny me and reject me. Bad vibes, bad words, bad looks, whatever it is, the hate leaks through and people react to it. I know lots of people go through this, but I get it in an extreme form, and it always come back.

I cant get the few people I keep in touch with to come out with me regularly, so I end up going out alone. When your not in denial of everything, going out alone can actually be a rewarding experience. Interesting people and conversations arise. Not so when you feel inner angst and hate. I don't know where it comes from in me, but it always comes back.

I feel like I have to constantly meditate when I am around people, just to stay on the same plane as them. You might say maybe I just 'think' that I have to meditate just to be on the same plane, and that thought is itself part of the problem. But that would be wrong.

It almost baffles me how rarely people talk about this in person, in real life. Its probably because most people never really go through it to the extreme that I do and probably others here do aswell. I'm sure everyone goes through it is some way, particularly in the late teens, but they have no idea what it is becuase there is no outlet for it, and they forget about it becuase it is not an important thing to think about in a consumerist capitalist society. On that note, it probably is one of the most important things to talk about, becuase it is never talked about.

I got dropped from my construction job of two months for some kid that is two years younger than me. I thought I was getting along well with my boss too, so when I got an email saying he's keeping the other guy, I was kinda shocked. then I realized in only fits in perfectly with my mental state right now, you don't want someone like me around and that is not a distorted egoic thought. It is reality.

I keep thinking in terms of 'majority rules' in terms of head space. Any deviants are denied by the majority, and all deviants deny the majority. Deviants are always overpowerd simply becuase they are always facing an overpowering majority. they are necessary alienated form others, whereas a majority individual has the comfort that comformity brings. Both, however, commit the same fallacy of denial, the only difference one of perspective, almost a conflict of perspecives that deny eachother. May seem silly but I cant stop thinking about this.

you could have a deviant, who accepts they majority, but yearns for more or something different, but that internal conflict is too difficult to bare, so we revert to denial for the majority, or fall back into the comfort of the majority. which will always perpetuate the majority and leaves what ever it was we were looking for missing.

I cant break out of this state, cant step out side of it, it is really frustrating to watch oneself live liek this.

[pseudome]

nathan-

I very much relate. Humanity can be overwheming. People seem like they are all in on some secret I've missed out on, and yet, looking objectively at them, oftentimes I don't see anything not worth missing. It is a rare few people that seem more real than the rest. The painful thing is that I think we all have the desire to connect and when it seems there are so few worthy connections in the world, it can make a person want to give up--the haystack is so big, is the needle really worth the search? This makes being around people--trying to connect, trying to find acceptance--very frustrating.

I wish I had helpful advice to offer, but I'm lame and I don't. Do take care of yourself.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Nathan,

Of course you are distressed and depressed as a result of losing that job. Have you considered the idea that they kept the younger kid because, being younger, he probably gets paid less money than you? Naturally, I have no way of knowing, but, is it possible?

Also, why do you call yourself, "deviant?" That's a terrible way to think about yourself.

Allan

[RGrannus]

I'm stuck alienating myself from the world again. Its a pathology I seem to always fall back into. When I go out I feel like I am supressing some serious hate for everyone,... Bad vibes, bad words, bad looks, whatever it is, the hate leaks through and people react to it. I know lots of people go through this, but I get it in an extreme form, and it always come back. ...I don't know where it comes from in me, but it always comes back. .. I got dropped from my construction job of two months for some kid that is two years younger than me. I thought I was getting along well with my boss too, so when I got an email saying he's keeping the other guy, I was kinda shocked. then I realized in only fits in perfectly with my mental state right now, you don't want someone like me around and that is not a distorted egoic thought. It is reality....

You've got a point: Many people are pretty rotten, so don't feel like there's something wrong with yourself. Most people are just looking out for themselves. When I first got depression, I went to a psychiatrist, thean to a peer group support meeting. It takes a while for antideressants to start working. The therapist at the support meeting told me to go to a special place at a hospital where I would get "extra help." It turned out to be just an ER, where they committed me for over a week as a "danger to myself." It takes that long to get a hearing before a judge. It cost tens of thousands of dollars and I don't have health insurance. And they didn't help me at all. People are out for themselves; they want to justify their jobs or some get bounties for the people they refer to a hospital.

http://www.antipsychiatry.org/unjustif.htm

You just have to accept the fact that you can't trust most people and find the ones who are reliable. But don't blame yourself.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi RGrannus,

Sorry you had such bad experiences with the hospital and psychiatric community. I don't believe its a matter of people being out for themselves. Having worked in mental health and psychiatry for many years, I can say that people try their very best. Of course, some are more skillful than others but I do not believe they are trying to take advantage of anyone, at least, not in my professional experience.

Allan

[nathan]

Rgrannis, sorry you went through that,. People can be impersonal and uncaring in our fast paced, rat race of a society. But I'm sure that is not generally an intrinsic quality of the people themselves. Doctors have to deal with many people in one day.....

[nathan]

Allan, i dont view a 'deviant' as something negative.

Its just that the situation a deviant finds himself in is necessarily hostile, lonely, alienating.

[RGrannus]

Hi RGrannus,

Sorry you had such bad experiences with the hospital and psychiatric community. I don't believe its a matter of people being out for themselves. Having worked in mental health and psychiatry for many years, I can say that people try their very best. Of course, some are more skillful than others but I do not believe they are trying to take advantage of anyone, at least, not in my professional experience.

Allan

I realize that people, including those in the mental health field, differ. But my own experience in dealing with them has been consistently negative. My primary care physician is busy too, but he gave me the most help when I was going through my depression. In itself, my experience would just be anecdotal and not prove much. But those investigations and studies I looked up confirm that a self-serving attitude is common in this field.

That recent report tends to confirm the prior investigations:

Healthcare Reform

Tuesday, May 31, 2011 10:22 ET

In shift, feds target top execs for health fraud

Company heads could face criminal charges for running afoul of regulations

By RICARDO ALONSO-ZALDIVAR, Associated Press

AP/Jacquelyn Martin

It's getting personal now. In a shift still evolving, federal enforcers are targeting individual executives in health care fraud cases that used to be aimed at impersonal corporations.

...

The feds say they got frustrated with repeat violations and decided to start using enforcement tools that were already on the books but had been allowed to languish. By some estimates, health care fraud costs taxpayers $60 billion a year, galling when Medicare faces insolvency.

"When you look at the history of health care enforcement, we've seen a number of Fortune 500 companies that have been caught not once, not twice, but sometimes three times violating the trust of the American people, submitting false claims, paying kickbacks to doctors, marketing drugs which have not been tested for safety and efficacy," said Lewis Morris, chief counsel for the inspector general of the Health and Human Services Department.

...

Department of Justice will crack down on crooked doctors

The Great Waste

Up to $40 Billion per Year in Psychiatric Fraud President Obama

Announces Upcoming Justice Department Task ...

The Basic Fraud

Obama Justice Dept is going after crooked "shrink" doctors

https://groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/alt.health/u2x6p6WLNwk