A false entitlement

[Bob1996]

Maybe the issue with SPS is that we have been lead to believe by our mothers or others that we (men, those with small penises or just the syndrome) are entitled to a wife, to love, to respect. In reality, men have never been entitled to love, shelter, and respect as every single vagina is, rather we have to struggle for it and if we are so lucky we will find affection however miniscule it might be.

The delusion that people are born equal is one that serves the interest of society. It's in this way that one can be born with a small penis and be blamed for it. You're a double failure. Women have never been interested in the emotions of men, that's the exclusive purview of womanhood. It's likely that our mothers, after briefly shedding the ridiculousness of equality and feminism , lacking sexual value due to age and performance, settled on weaker men because of their own reduced value in order to have children. These weak men were tossed aside quickly as they were unable to meet the inflated needs of our mothers or our mothers still clinged to feminist fantasy and divorced correct masculine behavior. They then used us as experiments in sensitivity; trying to mold and shape us against our nature as punishment for their own failures in womanhood. We are also in a double bind here because we can't blame our mothers for anything because that would be un-masculine even though our masculine upbringing was stunted by their decisions and reinforced by society.

Now we have come to this point: Aggressive masculine behavior is okay, but feminist rights are fully entitled. In other words, a man has to be a man, and woman can be whatever she wants. We are resentful of this because it makes us confront the fact that our mother lied to us. We have to own up and take responsibility and accept this double standard, even though the tools have been hidden or destroyed from us in our upbringing as revenge and weakness by our mothers.

So I see a couple of options here:

1. Take anti-depressants or other drugs to reject reality. There is also a masculinizing effect with drugs.

2. Commit suicide. If you can't be a man, you can still die like a man. I obviously don't recommend this.

3. Become subservient - go gay, go tranny, be in an alternative relationship (cuckolding, slavery), even as far as chemical castration. (btw, if you're considering the latter option, I would advise no. 2 instead)

4. Join a religious movement that emphasizes feminine roles for women and masculine roles for men.

5. Do the hard thing - accept total responsibility and do the necessary things in order to become lovable as a human being - work hard, save money, objectify women, suppress sensitivity, engage in risky behavior, enlarge and/or develop compensatory behaviors for your penis. Part of the dilemma here is that you can't be emotional as is in your nature - you have to be strong. You can't talk to your friends about your problems, you can't admit these things to the world. You can't tell women what you've been brought up to believe in equality or that life isn't fair.

I'm obviously projecting here, but I'm tired of having no self confidence. I was told somewhere that the nature of the world was friendly, and seeing that this was an opportunity to protect myself I did so. My relationships with people were therefore based out of subservience and lies. I developed personas to entertain people with. I lied and embraced things I didn't believe or understand in order to get my needs met with attention. In reality I was a coward, and there is no victory for cowards in this life, and if it exists, the next. Nobody told me, they just used me. I became an emotional lynchpin for others. I didn't have a father who forced me to be a man or to really protect me. My mother didn't give a shit about me and mislead me.

I'm not interested in being who I am, because who I am isn't good enough. The problem is those feelings of determinism. That I will always be this way. I cannot accept this, but it seems at every turn this is what people want. I will not be a bitch because it was pre-determined.

The question is no longer why, but how? How to eliminate the deterministic thoughts. Be a man or die trying is the only way. I would love to be a man that women will love, to be a man and create, not criticize. I want to fail a thousand times just to succeed once. I want to grow, but I need to know how.

I count my life mostly as a perversion; there is a lot of failure but there were some victories. I can go back to times where I was a winner in spirit and body - this was nirvana compared to my current life. I just need the tools that have been ripped from me due to falsehoods and selfishness. I'm not a selfish person. If I'm so fortunate as to be a capable and functioning man in society I will not be my father nor my mother.

[Verbally abused?]

Bob, sounds to me like you just need to decide what it is that you want from life and go get it!

My opinion, women like men that are not afraid to express their feelings better than those that are. (I am a woman)

[IrmaJean]

In reality, men have never been entitled to love, shelter, and respect as every single vagina is, rather we have to struggle for it and if we are so lucky we will find affection however miniscule it might be.

I'd like to think we can get beyond associating ourselves and others with body parts. Before I came to this forum, I can say that the size of my husband's penis never once crossed my mind (in terms of judgment) in 20 years of marriage. It's a part of him that I respect and admire, as is, because it is his.

It's in this way that one can be born with a small penis and be blamed for it.

Have you felt "blamed?" You are as you are and there is no fault in you being you.

Women have never been interested in the emotions of men' date=' that's the exclusive purview of womanhood. [/quote']

I can understand that you have some angry feelings toward women. I hear you. What you've written here is a generalization. As a woman' date=' I'd be very interested in the emotions of men.

They then used us as experiments in sensitivity; trying to mold and shape us against our nature as punishment for their own failures in womanhood.

Is this what you feel happened to you?

In other words' date=' a man has to be a man, and woman can be whatever she wants. We are resentful of this because it makes us confront the fact that our mother lied to us. We have to own up and take responsibility and accept this double standard, even though the tools have been hidden or destroyed from us in our upbringing as revenge and weakness by our mothers.[/quote']

Where is this coming from? Was it something from your childhood in your relationship with your mother?

5. Do the hard thing - accept total responsibility and do the necessary things in order to become lovable as a human being - work hard' date=' save money, objectify women, suppress sensitivity, engage in risky behavior, enlarge and/or develop compensatory behaviors for your penis. [/quote']

I would think that being lovable means being true to yourself, and not pretending. I would think that many women (including myself) admire sensitivity.

Part of the dilemma here is that you can't be emotional as is in your nature - you have to be strong.

Were you made to feel this way' date=' Bob? I'm sorry that this happened. I like emotional. I'm certain I'm not alone.

You can't talk to your friends about your problems' date=' you can't admit these things to the world. You can't tell women what you've been brought up to believe in equality or that life isn't fair. [/quote']

What prevents you from doing this? did something happen in your past?

I'm obviously projecting here' date=' but I'm tired of having no self confidence. I was told somewhere that the nature of the world was friendly, and seeing that this was an opportunity to protect myself I did so. My relationships with people were therefore based out of subservience and lies. I developed personas to entertain people with. I lied and embraced things I didn't believe or understand in order to get my needs met with attention. In reality I was a coward, and there is no victory for cowards in this life, and if it exists, the next. Nobody told me, they just used me. I became an emotional lynchpin for others. I didn't have a father who forced me to be a man or to really protect me. My mother didn't give a shit about me and mislead me.[/quote']

I'm sorry you've had so many bad experiences, Bob.

I'm not interested in being who I am' date=' because who I am isn't good enough.[/quote']

Maybe you can't see it yet or haven't yet learned to appreciate yourself. This is something you can build on.

I would love to be a man that women will love' date=' to be a man and create, not criticize. I want to fail a thousand times just to succeed once. I want to grow, but I need to know how.[/quote']

I think you have to find the way to knowing and loving yourself first, and in being that person, of course you will be lovable. All of us are... One way to start is by opening up your mind to different ways of thinking. What do you like about yourself, Bob?

[Loneone]

Wow, Bob. Usually I hear this rant from the other side of the coin, how hard it is to find a decent man and the like. I had posted to another man that had problems with this, and I don't know what you think, but it is rare to find a woman that would just simply end a relationship due to the size of his penis. The only thing that size affects is that you may have to adjust some positions just a little to make it more effective, but I never once heard any woman say that she just could not stand his penis length. You sound very jaded and bitter, and I wonder if a lot of your negative emotions may be part of the reason you have had difficult relationships. Every vagina is not loved. In fact, as a woman today, sometimes it is hard not to feel like you are a dime a dozen. You have to be confident and happy with yourself and love yourself before you can love anyone else. I am sorry you are feeling bad, but please don't negatively generalize women. Men don't usually enjoy being lumped together either.

[Bob1996]

I'd like to think we can get beyond associating ourselves and others with body parts. Before I came to this forum, I can say that the size of my husband's penis never once crossed my mind (in terms of judgment) in 20 years of marriage. It's a part of him that I respect and admire, as is, because it is his.

I've never heard a woman who wasn't in some advice giving position (magazine author, psychologist, scientist) say that size didn't matter, in person or in the popular world. I've only heard that size matters from girls in person and from the mainstream popular culture.

It's only now that the scientists, psychologists, and advice givers are changing their tune from "size matters not" to "size matters a lot."

I can understand that you have some angry feelings toward women. I hear you. What you've written here is a generalization. As a woman, I'd be very interested in the emotions of men.

I don't think women want an emotional man. I've tried to be thoughtful to the emotions of everybody, including women, and besides little to no reciprocation to my own emotions I've really said or done nothing of value. My default position was to be nice and interested in whatever people wanted to be/do, and as a result I completely neglected what would be right for them AND what I needed to do to grow as a person.

My biggest concern is that it's too late for me to rebuild - to become somebody of value. I look at myself in the mirror and I like it, but when I think about my failures, physical and emotional and intellectual, it's hard to justify myself.

I think you have to find the way to knowing and loving yourself first, and in being that person, of course you will be lovable. All of us are... One way to start is by opening up your mind to different ways of thinking. What do you like about yourself, Bob?

I'm trying to grow into somebody who can find an identity and be loved. I fell into watching some weird fetish pornography where they make fun of men with small penises and I didn't realize the damage this would do to me. If you eroticize shame you find yourself hating everything and everybody, mostly yourself. Now this weird fetishization seems to be manifesting itself into popular culture.

I'm just scared that I can't be competent - as a man, a lover, a worker, a builder. I'm scared and don't know how to deal with it and move on. I also have grandiose dreams for myself but little to no ability to deliver it in the real world.

At 22 I need re-parenting. It's sad and silly but it's what I need. Just give me back the locus of control and then I'll make the next level in life. Everybody else has moved on and I'm stuck in first gear, noisily damaging my vehicle and getting somewhere, but very slow.

[IrmaJean]

I want to give your post more time, and will do so later, but I did want to say one thing right now. As a woman, and I speak genuinely and sincerely, size does not matter to me in one way or the other. It never has and it never will. The gift is in the sharing and in coming to recognize your partner for who they are. Actual size in terms of measurement is 100% of non-importance to me. If I'm with a man, I will be appreciating and loving his body...as it is. Yes, I am here to be supportive, but this is a personal response from me as a woman.

Take care, Bob.

[SweetSue]

Hi Bob

IrmaJean, too true

I got to say that to me, personally size does not matter. Infact I have never thought about a partner in that way.

What matters to me is understanding, communication, trust, faithfulness, mostly though togetherness and being comfortable with each other.

Take care

[Bob1996]

Hey thanks for the encouraging words. I really appreciate the compassion. I am a person who is scared easily and I'm slowly improving. My way of dealing with this fear and growing and evolving and adapting as a person is to strictly chastise myself for my imperfections. I apologize for the generalizing statements made.

Anyways, most of my angers and fear are born out of my recognition of sexual selection as being true. I want to have power and sexual access but I don't want to work for it, and that's simply incompatible with reality. Life is hard, competition is hard, sexual access is hard, social relationships are hard, winning is hard, but it's these things that make life livable. My problem is that I have these ridiculously high standards for myself and for the world so I see myself as an inevitable loser (as opposed to earlier in life, when I thought myself an inevitable winner). I can blame biology or my parents, but realistically I need to stop blaming and start being proactive, start using whatever I have to gain and improve myself.

If I can offer a word of advice to the mothers, though, don't let your sons think they are equal to your daughter or his female peers. I don't mean this in a negative way, but emphasize the fact that girls can't be hit by boys, that girls engage in different behaviors and think in different ways. Also tell your son to be less sensitive, to treat his emotions as secondary to his rational capabilities and sense of toughness. Please celebrate masculine virtue and don't trash it. Encourage masculine virtue ahead of alternative masculinity/sensitivity. My mother did the latter, and I'm afraid it damaged me (that and having a terrible, narcissistic dad).

[IrmaJean]

Bob, why do you feel that sensitivity is such a bad thing? Why do you feel this has damaged you?

A lot of what I see in this area of the forum seems to miss the entire point of the deeper meaning behind sexual relations. This is from my personal perspective, but there is so much emphasis on numbers/measurements and "sexual access." What of love and caring?

[Loneone]

Bob,

You sound so very angry towards woman that it is hurtful as a woman. I have never had one of my friends ever say they have not cared for a man because he has a small penis. You say a man has to be a man, but maybe that is your generation. I come from a generation where men seem to be more interested in video games, going to the bar with their buddies, and living at home with their mom than being truly responsible. Also, there are many emos around now (short for emotional) as well as your basic meathead. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive, but there is such a thing as too sensitive, in a man as well as a woman. Have you thought about the fact that all your anger you are carrying about your own insecurities may have bled over to how you act in your relationships as well? Before you can have a healthy relationship, you have to learn to release some of that anger and let it flow away. Holding onto it will only ensure that your future relationships will fail as well.

[Bob1996]

Bob, why do you feel that sensitivity is such a bad thing? Why do you feel this has damaged you?

By being sensitive I have cowered out of situations. I have demanded others to take care of my emotions instead of dealing with them myself. I recognize the superiority of masculine virtue and I hate the fact that it was not encouraged and/or cultivated by my parents. But ultimately it is my responsibility.

Sensitivity, properly understood, is a suplicative behavior that is feminine in nature. Biologically women can be functional and successful if they are sensitive. Men, minus outstanding achievement in other areas, cannot be sensitive and be successful. Being a man is part and parcel with taking risks and displaying dominance and winning. If you cannot measure up to these biological requirements then life is nasty, brutish, and short. This is nature.

A lot of what I see in this area of the forum seems to miss the entire point of the deeper meaning behind sexual relations. This is from my personal perspective, but there is so much emphasis on numbers/measurements and "sexual access." What of love and caring?

Women don't understand the need for sex because it is easier for them in the dating game.

In order to be lovable a man needs to be confident, brave, and desirable. A man needs to win and display this to women. I was never encouraged to win by my parents; and so I resent them. Again, though, it's my responsibility.

I only suggest that letting a boy be sensitive will damage his health well into the future. When I look at my circumstances I realize that my sensitivity has cost me a lot in terms of development and socialization. A boy needs to be beaten; to understand the concept of winners and losers; to understand that the sexes are unequal and different; to understand that unless he achieves he isn't valuable or desirable.

[malign]

Wow, Bob, as a boy who wasn't beaten but whose father was, I don't think I can dispute "a boy needs to be beaten" strongly enough. I understand that you feel a need to be tougher, or less sensitive. And you may be right.

But honestly, all that being beaten does is twist a person. Talk to those who have been.

[Bob1996]

You sound so very angry towards woman that it is hurtful as a woman.

I am being emotionally insecure here. I needed a place to vent. I understand that women simply are who they are, and it's right that they do what they are supposed to do. My frustrations are my own problem, and certainly not the problem of women.

I have never had one of my friends ever say they have not cared for a man because he has a small penis.

I've heard it before from women; but that really isn't the main point. I think SPS stems from larger issues and not just the fact that women dislike small penises or use penis size as a weapon. Men should NOT care what women think one way or the other.

You say a man has to be a man, but maybe that is your generation. I come from a generation where men seem to be more interested in video games, going to the bar with their buddies, and living at home with their mom than being truly responsible. Also, there are many emos around now (short for emotional) as well as your basic meathead. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive, but there is such a thing as too sensitive, in a man as well as a woman.

Men of my generation are sick due to video games, lack of responsibility, and fantasy notions of equality. This is my opinion anyway.

Have you thought about the fact that all your anger you are carrying about your own insecurities may have bled over to how you act in your relationships as well? Before you can have a healthy relationship, you have to learn to release some of that anger and let it flow away. Holding onto it will only ensure that your future relationships will fail as well.

This is indeed accurate. I have let my insecurities and weaknesses be put upon my singular past relationship. I let my insecurities dominate my performance in school and at my failed attempts at getting/holding a job. I let my insecurity feed my weakness.

I definitely agree with you that I need to change my insecurity and weakness about life. I need to categorically be a different person with different values and morals that emphasize winning and being masculine opposed to being over-sensitive and weak. I need to stop worrying; stop fantasizing; and being a man.

I merely ask that you tell your son that the pursuit of greatness, the suppression of sensitivity, and the ability to conquer in life are the keys to peace.

[IrmaJean]

By being sensitive I have cowered out of situations. I have demanded others to take care of my emotions instead of dealing with them myself.

I'm not sure how this equates with being sensitive? Being sensitive, to me, means you are highly aware of your emotions, you feel them frequently, and you can be vulnerable to them at times. It may also mean that you are caring with others' emotions. If you mean you have struggled with being non-assertive, I can tell you from my own experience that building your self-confidence will help immensely with this.

I recognize the superiority of masculine virtue and I hate the fact that it was not encouraged and/or cultivated by my parents. But ultimately it is my responsibility.

I have 3 children' date=' and I believe that biology and genes also play a part in personality development. I tried to instill both sensitivity and strength in my son, but he developed in a way that fit best for him. I think balance is a good thing to keep in mind, but ideally you would want to be true to yourself.

Sensitivity' date=' properly understood, is a suplicative behavior that is feminine in nature.[/quote']

It may indeed be viewed as a feminine quality, but again balance comes to mind. A father with a newborn can use his sensitivity very adeptly and positively and still be a strong male. It's possible to be both sensitive and strong.

Men' date=' minus outstanding achievement in other areas, cannot be sensitive and be successful.[/quote']

This is a generalization.

Being a man is part and parcel with taking risks and displaying dominance and winning. If you cannot measure up to these biological requirements then life is nasty' date=' brutish, and short. This is nature.[/quote']

When and where is this stated to be a biological requirement? Many of us (of both sexes) "fail" repeatedly before we "win." The key is to keep trying.

Women don't understand the need for sex because it is easier for them in the dating game.

Another generalization. As a woman' date=' I never needed sex; I needed affection, intimacy, and love. I only dated one man and have only been intimate with one man. I understand that everyone has different needs, but seeking out sex without considering the importance of love kind of cheats you out of the experience some, don't you think?

In order to be lovable a man needs to be confident' date=' brave, and desirable.[/quote']

In order to be lovable (we all are), a man would simply need to be true to himself. Those adjectives would have no meaning without the alternatives. These traits are attractive, but so are many others. There are ways to come to understand yourself better and build self-confidence without diminishing your other traits.

A man needs to win and display this to women.

My husband was delivering pizzas when we got married. I never cared what his occupation was. I believed in him' date=' and he believed in himself. We loved one another. There is such a thing as growing together and we have done this. It is possible.

I only suggest that letting a boy be sensitive will damage his health well into the future.

I tried encouraging mine to be sensitive, but things didn't turn out that way.

Everyone is different.

A boy needs to be beaten;

Wow. I very much disagree with this. I never hit my son and he is a 4.0 student and a fine young man. Hitting children diminishes self-esteem and teaches them that they are powerless and weak.

Your cynicism is saddening, but I understand that you are openly talking about your feelings. Would you consider opening up your mind to different thoughts?

[SweetSue]

Hey Bob

I can hear what you are saying and I have to respect your point of view and how you feel. Because that is your choice as a human being. However, I dont agree with what you say.

"A boy needs to be beaten; "

Okay, My brothers were beaten, quite severely as it happens, but heck give my parents credit, atleast they werent sexist, they beat the crap out of us girls too.

You know, my brothers, they had beatings, and they only just coped. They still wear the scars to this day. It didnt make them any more of a man, or any less of a man. But you best believe, it hurt them, and caused them a great deal of pain - both emotionally and physically.

With us girls, the beatings we got, were just as harsh as what the boys recieved. One of us did not survive, two of us girls coped to a certain extent, and me well, I dont know how I survived. But I did.

You know the thing is, when you get beaten, it dosnt matter what gender you are, it is still demoralising, still emotionally damaging, still physically hurtful, but mostly, more importantly still out of order !!!

Hitting children is the cruelest form of dissapline imaginable, and all it does is creates fear. The child does things out of fear - not respect.

Sorry I appologise, in advance - this isnt the place to discuss this. Just had to say it

Bob,

I married when I was 18, I married for one reason - because I was deeply in love. Not because of how endowed he was, or what he did for a living, but because he was a genuine person, he was the best person anyone can be, he was himself

Im sorry that you are hurting, and I hope that you find a way to ease your pain.

Take care

[flander]

Hitting children is the cruelest form of dissapline imaginable, and all it does is creates fear. The child does things out of fear - not respect.

I disagree. It quickly gets their attention and demonstrates that bad choices/actions have negative repercussions in life. Combined with explanations of why they're being punished when they're old enough to understand helps turn what you refer to fear into respect. IMHO, the number of disrespectful, mouthly little shits one sees in public is an example of parents failing to follow the wisdom of "spare the rod, spoil the child". Of course one doesn't flog them or beat them black and blue, but this "time out" business is useless.

[SweetSue]

Hi flander

That is your right to disagree. I think however I shall respectfully agree to disagree, as my own experiences in life have tought me otherwise.

Take care

[flander]

I'm sure it makes a huge difference if the goal is punishment and correction instead of just blind rage.

[Loneone]

Bob,

I thank you for taking some time to actually look inside and evaluate what I was saying to you. It took me quite awhile to see that men go through the same kinds of insecurities as women do. As for a woman, I have had friends wonder about whether their breasts are large enough, if they are too large, are they they thin enough, is their nose too big. I know after having children, I felt extremely deflated because of my stretch marks. After watching a documentary about steroid use, I was surprised how many men felt insecure about not having huge muscles, even though these same men admitted getting large muscles led them to getting more vindication from other men than from women. We see everyday in our lives the so-called "perfect" people everywhere we look. My fiance surprised me recently. I knew that he had always bought penis pills and had slight performance anxiety (long story on that one). Anyways, he asked me a few months ago if I was okay with his size. The look on his face was so sad, as if he thought I was going to say no and just up and leave. We have been together for a long time, and he knows that I have my hang-ups, we all do. He is larger than average, but I think was comparing himself to the porn stars he used to watch (whom I think are gross). I told him that if I really had a problem with it, then I wouldn't want to have sex as often as I do, would have left him long ago, and would not be marrying him. He was so relieved, but I couldn't believe after all this time that it bothered him that much. People are strange creatures. As for beating your boys, I grew up in an extremely abusive household, and I think my brother has the most long-lasting scars from it. Perhaps it's because my mother was the abuser. I spank my children when necessary, but I don't abuse them. I am teaching them to be empathetic but strong when you need to be. I don't mean physically strong, though I believe keeping yourself somewhat fit is loving yourself and your body. I want them to be morally strong. I teach them a lot about interaction between the sexes. Men and women need to come back together instead of drifting further apart. We are different, but I don't think it's as drastically different as we are led to believe. We are two halves of a whole that both need to be respected for their good qualities. Seriously, Bob, the best thing you could do is not be angry and work on getting to truly know, appreciate, and please a woman and work on opening yourself for a woman to truly know, appreciate, and please you.

[gone]

3. Become subservient - go gay, go tranny, be in an alternative relationship (cuckolding, slavery), even as far as chemical castration..

Please excuse a small diversion, I don't want to hijack this thread.

Is there really such a thing as chemical castration? Is there a drug or pill that will decrease or eleminate the male sex drive? That would be great!

retr0john

[flander]

Please excuse a small diversion, I don't want to hijack this thread.

Is there really such a thing as chemical castration? Is there a drug or pill that will decrease or eleminate the male sex drive? That would be great!

retr0john

yes. It's a punishment for rapists and child molesters in some states, I believe.

[gone]

Could anyone tell me the name of this (or these) drug(s)?

I asked my doctor once if anything like this exists, but he just said no.

retr0john

[Recluse]

Just eat some shitty foods and drink a lot of liquor and don't exercise. I guarantee you will have far less erections at that point.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Retro,

I don't know of any such drug. I also don't believe that alcohol is the answer because that will create more problems than it will solve.

I haven't followed this thread for a while so, please forgive me for asking, why do you want to reduce your sexual drive?

Allan

[Bob1996]

Bob,

Men and women need to come back together instead of drifting further apart. We are different, but I don't think it's as drastically different as we are led to believe. We are two halves of a whole that both need to be respected for their good qualities.

We are fundamentally different. Women practice sexual selection to weed out weak males. Women like to talk about universal empathy and love because it is automatically bestowed to them societally and naturally upon birth. Women use empathy as a further screening process for sexual selection; hence feminism.

Women are looking for the bigger, better, badder, smarter male at every turn.

What I meant when I said I don't blame women for being who they are is that I don't blame the scorpion for stinging the back of the tortoise. It is nature for women to want superior men.

Seriously, Bob, the best thing you could do is not be angry and work on getting to truly know, appreciate, and please a woman and work on opening yourself for a woman to truly know, appreciate, and please you.

Opening myself up for a woman would not result in me getting laid or getting into a relationship. Maybe we don't understand each other.

I am not good enough as is. I am inadequate as is. I need to change in order to become lovable. I have to believe that change is possible or I can't justify my existence.