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shanrucas
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I am so done with this living a life in purgatory. I fired my pdoc today, tired of spending all of my meeger allowace for taking care of mom for 15 mins of going over meds and then being told I need spend more money for labs...I have no insurance, how many times must I tell people that...I am trapped! I called local county mental health who referred me to another clinic that has a psychiatric nurse so I called...two month waiting list..I can't take it anymore..we are falling between the cracks. Mom can't get assistance from state till all is gone and I am on the streets,, talke to everyone I can think of...I am tired of hearing "sorry" talk to us when all is gone. Why am I and my mother being punished so....I want to run away, sat in my truck last night started up and was ready to take off to now where. I have been doing this for 6 years now..mom has been totally bedridden for ten. I was 40 when this all began and I am now 50 and all alone.. I am fastly approaching the fact that I am DONE, DONE, DONE. The panic attacks have returned, nightmares of this of the past haunting me and now I am told I must wait 2 months..only other options are hosptal...who is going to take care of mom if that happens, all could be lost for sure...her home health nurses and doctors have no idea of my mental status, only say that I do a good job and that there is no where else she could get the care she has right now...it's such a wieght to bear that I am now finally breaking done. I know I have posted about this in the past..and believe me I have checked out all suggestions..all the same answers..comeback when assets are depleted. I can't take it anymore

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And................. breathe :)

Just take a moment, concentrate on just breathing in and out, nothing else.

Visualise on somewhere calming, and quiet, somewhere you feel safe and secure. Take a moment and relax.

You have so much going on for you right now, and I understand the daily struggles of caring for someone, its very demanding, both emotionally and physically. :)

I'm not sure what I can suggest, about gaining funding for medical issues, I'm in a different country. But I know other members here live in the USA, maybe they can suggest something you could try.

Were here for you and listening :)

take care

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Its tiresome, isnt it, when you havnt the time to care for your own needs coz your busy looking after someone else ;)

I hope that you manage to get some rest, sorry you feel like you need to be in that coma world, I have visited my own coma world often, its not a good place to be, but sometimes its what I need, to be able to find my balance again.

Thankyou for trying to reach out, I realise how difficult it is, especially when feeling so very low :D

Please take care

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I just woke up from what I call self induced coma, feeling really disoriented. Cant figure out what time or day it is...but now I do, its evening and I must get going and clean and feed mom, which means I have to blend her food so she can it. These are just a few of the small taskes that are getting to me. I live in the front room where we have her bed set up, its the only place we can maneuver all her equipment the house looks more like a nursing home than a home. I have had to sleep on the couch for several years...I haven't slept in my bed for years. If I did I fear I wouldn' get up evey 2 hours like I am suppost to turn her from side to side...I have forgotten what it is like to sleep solid through the night...........I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! I am dying inside and I know realistically I am one step from going into the hospital....I can't let that happen...all would certainly be lost, and mom would end up in the once place she does not want to go......the weight is just to much to bare.

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I wish I could be there for you. I would know how to take care of your mom. I know & you know I would do that. I haven't been on here just reading posts but, when I just saw yours it is breaking my heart. I just don't understand what the hell govt. is doing they don't realize that somebody they love or even themselves could be in your or my position.

I feel like people will pay and get more help for their animals. Now I have more animals that you can think of I love all of them but, it's just not fair that everything you have done or workedfor in your life just poofs! It's like if you get sick sorry can't help, waiting list, or once you deplete your assests then we can help you. Meantime you literally feel like you are going insane. I right now have even canceled my daughters appts. it's like a break but, from what or what am I suppose to do now? I really have no idea. I'm so sorry I wish I could be there for you and just grab you & hug you & say I know it won't be Ok but together we could work on it.

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Thanks Leo, I know you fully understand the situation and how desparate I am feeling. I called the mental health dept when I found out it would be 2 months out before I could get in...they didn't even make an appt...it was we will call you. crisis line person said if I need I can walk in there. If I don't get it pulled together by tomorrow I guess i will...Im just to afraid of being put in mental ward....everything would be lost for sure then. I just am getting wiped out with anxiety attacks that I have not had in years, I am also experiencing flashbacks of the ghosts of the past and being confined in home is not helping....the feeling of flight is growing ever stronger.

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Thank you Irma Jean, I am trying to find the right help that will work for me. All I know for now is that it is becoming more of a crisis situation continueing as I am. I am loosing myself in all of this. I took meds last night late. and slept for most of the night. Im feeling a bit disoriented at the moment though. If I find myself in that dark place again today, I am going to walk right into the mental health dept. as they suggested and at thre very least talk to someone. All I know is I can't continue with the things they are now. I have to do something.

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shannon

I am so scared for you. Can you walk in there. I just got on here you are the first thread I look for. I would like you to know I am also hangin in there but, I really am not because that's what people want to here. I just don't know what to say because there is nothing to express how you feel. I know you are doing everything also on your own. Even though I am also doing the same thing, I feel upset because I am on disability SSI and I receive insurance from them. I use to be ashamed to say that I'm on. Sometimes I still am. There has got to be a way for you to get it back. I know I may be talking out of my a-- but, can you see anybody I don't care who it is to help you get it back. You can't work now anybody that you see if they have a grain of salt they should realize that. What the hell call back in 2 months you need to go now and tell them you are in crisis even if you yell and say get me some help NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thanks Leo...I called county health dept. and told them that the clinic they referred me to put me on a 2 month waiting list..they were a bit shocked and said if I felt the need I could walk in to them and they would see me, only other option is to go to hospital...right if I did that what would happen to mom. I was going to go to county yesterday, but started feeling extremely drained and just wanted to come home and sleep. Woke about an hour later, not only am I dealing with my 19th nervous breakdown,,I have a damn head cold..ugh, will it ever end...sometimes I think what was it that mom and I did so terribly wrong in life to have to live in this purgatory. I had tried to apply for SSDI, go denied of course, so I got a lawyer that deals with SSDI..he got medical record from doc..the wrote me to say he was not taking the case as it seems I am fit to work....I am sure it cause when doc diagnosed me I was working and on my and continued to work so Im sure it all stated that...doubt he updated anything. So there it is in a nutshell....Im on my own. Thanks for your compassion though Leo.

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