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The Urges Are back and Im falling into Temptation


Livingdisaster
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The tittle says it all, I cant think, cant relax, sometimes even breathe. I fidget around, move my hands a lot when I know I cant cut but then Im beginning to think why not? Its just one more, and nobody will know and i need too cut at the moment. I desperately want to feel the feeling it brings to me the adrenaline rush that goes through me when I cut and see the blood. I know its wrong and i try to debate myself but Im giving in and what is absurd is that I dont even know why I want to cut its more like my body wants me too. Is this normal???:confused:

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Hi Livingdisaster,

Is there something that you can do right now to distract yourself from cutting ?

Maybe call a friend, or go for a walk, visit a friend ?

@ SweetSue

at the moment I dont think I could have called any one. I couldnt think clearly its like my mind was clouded up and all my focus was directing into cutting. But by calling someone do you mean, talking about the situation???

In the end did end up cutting now I feel so ashamed and disappointed. I made a promise to stop and I did for a month but i screwed up today. Now I have to go back to hiding the new fresh cuts.

Sometimes it feels like now the blade controls me, not the other way around.

:P

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Hi

When I "slip" up, and the urges start getting really bad, I know I have to do something - anything to distract myself. Or the feelings overwhelm me too greatly. Then ofcourse it is too late.

So what I mean by calling someone, was not neccessarily to tell them, that you are gonna cut, but to just talk to them about every day stuff, like work, shopping - general chit chat between friends. Its just another form of distraction really.

Having said that, it might be a good idea to call someone to talk about your s/i. Arrange therapy, councelling ...... etc. Therapy does help.

I'm sorry that it feels like the blade is controling you. Seriously consider talking about this with your dr, and get some help. You deserve to be free from s/i.

Take care

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livingdisaster-

I can completely relate to the feelings you describe. I went through a bad bout recently, pretty much turning my chest into raw meat. Still healing and still feeling like a dumbass about it. Distraction can help, but not always. Are you seeing a therapist at all?

Do take care of yourself.

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Sounds alot to me like how I felt when I was a teenager and into ..... don't think badly of me here.... shoplifting. What an adreniline rush that was!! Got cuffed once and my mom had to come get me... I am still not sure if it was the look of dissapointment on her face or the talk that my grandpa gave me telling me how much smarter than shoplifting I was which made me stop. I do know that it wasn't being cuffed, that was just a bigger adrenaline rush!! Maybe it was both my mom's dissapointment and my grandpa's talk.

Here is my point, I have an addictives personality. I was addicted to feeling that adrenaline rush at that point. Then I was addicted to something else. Now I feel like I am addicted to this community, I am ok with this one. I am trying to help myself be a better person here as well as trying to help others deal with their pain. I post a blog on an almost daily basis, more for letting others reading know that they are not the only ones that things happen to than for myself. It does help keep me distracted from all my negative thoughts and kickin myself in the A** for making simple mistakes.

It is probably a good thing that I never tried self injury, I would probably be addicted to that too. I don't know try experimenting with other things that are safer than cutting and or shoplifting. The blade controlling you, sounds alot like addictive personality to me.

Sorry for rambling, good luck, take care.

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I can also idenify with you. if you have cut yourself, this is considered a form of "self injury" Actually cutting is the number one way of self injury. But, not the only way. I have struggled excatly the same way with this. When the stress is too much, and I feel like shit, self injury is always there, right on the surface. Yes, I would consider myself as having a addictive personality too. Bearly all my brothers have this as well. Once I began , for me I am unable to quit. I make a mess out of my arms, and use a really painful way of hurting myself. It is like the more pain the better, yep, I am a junkie. Their really is a rush in all this, but it goes away. Making it harder to not SI again. I have also done a lot of shoplifting, it started years ago, not I figured out a way to do it again at a huge Walmart. Just not pay for the stuff on the bottom of the cart. I have walked away having the bottom cart packed with stuff, even a 36 case of Bud LIght in there too. It is risky but if the cashier is not paying attention then I do not say a thing. I have lifted a bunch of stuff before, and Yes, when younger was caught several times. Been in jail a little while too, but this was in my early 20's and was extremely thin from an ED. I just had to do community service. Now, I am in my 40's, so if I coan get away with it I will steal. Thing is I do not give a crap. Even though I have the money , I will still do it. Makes me feel like I am a very bad person , but , I will be laughing inside , that I got away with it ! I think it is pretty funny.

Anyway, your are not alone. If you already know that it is hard for you to stop these behaviors once you start then it is better to fight off those urges intill your desire to SI or steal is less , then eventually diminish's for a while.

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I myself am struggling with cutting, it's been two months since I've done it. I understand how hard it is when your in that mood, to me i would describe it as a manic state of mind. I would try anything and everything to distract myself, and most of the time it would not work. But I found the best combination was and still is listening to music and breaking things :( not necessarily valuable things. you just have to find what works for you...

I wish you all the luck with over coming your addiction, because as said before cutting is extremely addicting.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So Im trying something new which seems to be working. i guess but Im doing it secretely. Im dooing hookah which relaxes me and My family cant find out if they don theyll think ive gone two steps back, instead of forward. & unfortunaly as much as I hate to admit, image is everything to my family and i think it has rubbed into me, so i cant help but feel sort off guilty.

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So Im trying something new which seems to be working. i guess but Im doing it secretely. Im dooing hookah which relaxes me and My family cant find out if they don theyll think ive gone two steps back, instead of forward. & unfortunaly as much as I hate to admit, image is everything to my family and i think it has rubbed into me, so i cant help but feel sort off guilty.

what is hookah? is it anther way to self harm? I think that their a lot of familes who want tp put up a good front when it comes to image.. even though it is superficial . has the urges to self harm decreased? your wrote that your doing it secretely . What are u feeling guilty about? Hurting yourself? Most of the time Self harm is looked at as a way to cope. Are family issues what drives you to wanting to Self Harm?

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Guest ASchwartz

A hookah is a device for smoking dope. It is no way to handle self cutting especially since self injury is an addiction in and of itself.

Allan

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A hookah is a device for smoking dope. It is no way to handle self cutting especially since self injury is an addiction in and of itself.

Allan

Oh , ok then. Thank you Allen. I agree with you 100% Smoking dope is just anther addiction. Both Self injury and drugs fall in the same catorgory.

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