Taking Criticism

[IrmaJean]

I am no good at this. Whenever I perceive it, I feel as if I'm being ripped open and my insides are completely exposed and raw. It's deeply painful. I feel as if I'm being beaten down and my self-esteem is crumbling. I've been taking all kinds of risks lately and thus making some mistakes. I'm doing things I was always fearful of doing before. I don't want to stop doing this. I think it's good for me and helps me grow. Whenever I feel the criticism, I get highly emotional and reactive. The more I care about what I'm doing, the more the criticism hurts. This has been happening, I work through it, but then it happens again and again and again. I feel as if my sensitivity is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. Still working on balance. How do I thicken my skin without compromising my gentleness? :confused:

[SweetSue]

Hi IJ

I'm not really sure how you can thicken your skin hun. But then would you truely want to ?

I struggle with some criticism, I'm ok with it aslong as its productive criticism, it helps me to grow as a person. Teaches me more about myself, and helps me learn where I'm going wrong.

Unfortunately there is also un-productive criticism, which is when the criticism is meant to hurt, and serves no purpose what so ever, except to cause you pain.

I guess, its just a case of learning which to take notice of, and which to try and ignore.

Which isnt as easy as it sounds.

Sorry guess I cant help hun, just hang in there, and I hope you manage to figure it out

Take care

[IrmaJean]

Hi IJ

I'm not really sure how you can thicken your skin hun. But then would you truely want to ?

I like myself the way I am in truth, but I need to do better with handling things.

I struggle with some criticism' date=' I'm ok with it aslong as its productive criticism, it helps me to grow as a person. Teaches me more about myself, and helps me learn where I'm going wrong. [/quote']

It's all constructive. Nothing harmful. I agree with everything you wrote and I know this, but still...the strong reactions. I always get through it and take the lessons from it, but I don't want to chase friends away with my emoting in the meantime.

Thanks, Sue. I'll keep trying.

[SweetSue]

Hi IJ

Friends stay, you cant chase them away.

I'm not sure what emoting is, but if it is just another way of saying being emotional, your friends will undersatand.

Its a good thing to be able to express yourself.

[IrmaJean]

Emoting: Expressing many emotions/feelings. Anger. Frustration. Desperation. Sadness. Pain. Fear. Insecurity. Regret. Realization. Determination. Relief. All in the span of an hour or so.

The feeling myself as a burden comes from my past. I know this, but it still crops up from time to time, along with the insecurity of worrying that friends will leave.

I will keep on trying. Next time will be better. (hopefully)

Thanks, Sue.

[pseudome]

Hey, IJ-

I don't know if this helps, but maybe try thinking about what the criticism is targeting-- Don't think of it as a criticism of you personally, but rather of something you've done/created. I think critcism hurts most the more personally it is taken. Also, anyone offering criticism is just as human as you are--their opinions are no more valid than your own, though they may have a different perspective. You are your ultimate judge.

[IrmaJean]

Yes. That's it exactly. I take everything personally. I have to learn how to not do that. And, yes, there is different perspective too from others. I think part of what is happening is I'm out of the shell, I'm expressing myself, I'm asserting myself and I'm dealing now with more emotions that I'd suppressed in the past, such as anger. What is this anger stuff? :confused: I used to roll over and take everything, not voice my opinion...that is all changing. This is good, but I'm still adjusting.

Thanks.

[SweetSue]

Hi IJ,

Erm, Im not sure if this will help you or not, but I know its helped me a fair bit this last couple of years.

Do you remember when I first joined here, well anyways after a few months I started a thread called "Taking things to heart" I think it was in the Cognitive Reframing Help forum ..........

Anyway, I got some really useful help and advice from it, and well it might be worth you having a quick look through.

Hope it helps some hun

Take care

[Endlessnight]

Dear IJ, I wish I could put into words how sorry I am that you are feeling so vulnerable and hurting, and I wish that I could comfort you the way you have comforted me over and over.

I know you as a very strong but gentle and caring person, someone that has helped me, and, i'm sure, many others.

You are always so giving of yourself, always kind, always reaching out to those that are hurting, and it must get very hard sometimes...always giving of oneself. Maybe you need to be kind to yourself for a while, and tend to your own needs.

You are a wonderful person, IrmaJean.

Take care, M.((((((hugs))))))

Sometimes words just aren't enough...I wish I could reach out to you and hug you.

[mscat]

I am no good at this. Whenever I perceive it, I feel as if I'm being ripped open and my insides are completely exposed and raw. It's deeply painful. I feel as if I'm being beaten down and my self-esteem is crumbling. I've been taking all kinds of risks lately and thus making some mistakes. I'm doing things I was always fearful of doing before. I don't want to stop doing this. I think it's good for me and helps me grow. Whenever I feel the criticism, I get highly emotional and reactive. The more I care about what I'm doing, the more the criticism hurts. This has been happening, I work through it, but then it happens again and again and again. I feel as if my sensitivity is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. Still working on balance. How do I thicken my skin without compromising my gentleness? :confused:

I've been there. "how do I thicken my skin without compromising my gentelness?"

With life's experience's I have become tougher emotionally" I use to have a huge problem, with critisicism. I had a lot of this going on from my foster mother growing up. At every turn she was constantly putting me down with her name calling and dirty looks. I self estemm was gone, and I was a very sensitive child.I was terrified of the foster mother. She being the parent and much older , stronger , bigger then me. I took it all in, and what it it did was become more withdrawn , depressed, and intimadated. those were my first experiences with critiscism. I was beat down , raw, sad , and the fellings of helplessnes was there. I just became more distant , pulled away, into my own thoughts. I did not have the resouces to stopthis from happening. But, after yrs of her torment I began running away from home trying to escape from her control.

Now that I am all grown up I STILL do not apreciate anyone's critiscism. Such as a boss telling me how badly my working skills were, putting me on notice so she could eventually fire me. I knew it was coming. Could not stop it. So eventually the boss got her way.

It is hard to listen to someone putting me down . The foster family and I are forever not close. I am certain that they talk about me behind my back. But isn't it better that they do that then speak to me directly? Trying once more to "put me in place" ? I am in my 40's now, they do not bother me anymore. Even though I know they talk among themselves regarding my lifestyle and choices . I could not be anymore different from them.

You don't have to sacrifice your kindness and sensitivity to anyone. I think I have put up the emotional walls , to protect me from hearing bad things about myself from anyone. I know who the offenders are. I keep my distance and try not to respond to them. Strangers are actually a relief to me. They don't know me, so they are no threat. It seems like it is not fair, I do not look at someone and size them up , place them in a good or bad catorgory. However, others do. I just think if somebody does not like me or wants to put me down for whatever reason I do not want to hear about it. I have a "I do not care what you think of me attitude" I try to act strong, put up a thick skin attitude, Don't mess with me, becasue u have no right to judge. The foster family does not know me personally anymore, I have a right to say NO. And be respected for who I am. Even though the family may not agree.

[IrmaJean]

Thanks so much everyone.

Endless, your post brought tears to my eyes, Thank you so very much for your kind words.

You are always so giving of yourself' date=' always kind, always reaching out to those that are hurting, and it must get very hard sometimes...always giving of oneself.[/quote']

I love giving. I love being giving and kind. I love being openly myself. I do all of that here. When I'm giving, I connect with the best of myself. As that energy lights up me, I give to myself as well. When members here share a part of their lives with me, and allow me to share a part of myself with them, it feels very connective. So when I'm giving here, I receive a whole lot as well.

I wish that I could comfort you the way you have comforted me over and over.

Your words comfort me a great deal, M. Remember what I was talking about before with feeling your gifts from within? What did you feel inside when you were writing what you wrote to me? Because I felt compassion, gentleness, and love pouring through my computer screen. You're a light, M. One day you will see this. Thank you so much for being you.

Mscat, thank you for sharing your thoughts as well. I'm sorry your past has brought you so much pain. Being respected for who you are is very important, I agree.

Today is a better day. What's a few new challenges? I'll take them on and do my very best to keep improving myself to become stronger. I do think part of this is in stepping out of my comfort zone, but that's a positive thing. Just some bumps along the way...and emotions.

Balance. Balance. Balance. Always a work in progress.

Thanks all.