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Grief, anxiety and a possible sacrifice


sadgreeneyes
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Its been a while since I posted. I´m still where I was, waiting as he wants back to me, I have been sad and confused...tried a couple of times to make him leave me stating I want family one day and another time that he couldnt give me what I needed which was love and respect..but of course he ignored my needs as usual...he has said thought he will be good to me and stuff..that he loves me and misses me...but I know its not true as he is an abuser...I still feel I want to escape at same time cant leave the situation as I feel something...I feel I let him down if "I" leave him..as he is in middle east...not a good place...I feel I have to rescue him and I dont know why...this feeling came suddenly after looking vision norway ( christian program and they talked about Israel and how Irans atom stuff will affect USA and Europe to give up the support for Israel and then all the arab countries how it affects the countries...suddenly I felt a feeling of I need to help him...but dont know why) and I think its more grief because its not love...well its love if I sacrifice myself for him but...but another kind of love, I think I dont want to grieve either....I have been grieving my whole life..lost many..still there is a hope he´d love me in some way..his way..maybe he could love me...I think also its me being scared to not know how things would be with me and him, so scared to let go, partly because I loved him and this grief...knowing he broke my heart and I know deep inside I have lost my husband, the husband I thought he was. That he turned to a monster out of the blue. Now saying he still is the same as before this happened. Nothing has changed, last that happened was he blamed all that had happened, the divorce, on me, I had made him do this because of my doubt and questions plus I did give him refusal from immigration office as I surely had messed up the process with purpose from the beginning. So he´s little paranoid too now. Abusers must blame others, I know that.

I just feel so lost, he´ll be back in 4 weeks and I dont know how to act, I am vulnerable, sad and anxious. The money stuff again. I pray to God to help me through this because I am not able to leave because of the things I mentioned. I try say to myself, as the believer I am, that God see everything and if I keep praying to God, I can get through this with or without my husband ( depending he´ll leave me or not..once again ( my money issue) and that God will know why I did sacrifice myself for a man even he used and abused me. God doesnt want me to be abused...its in the Bible too...but I cant leave him. My heart is warm and big...most would say too big if they knew I allow this happen. I´m thinking there will be an outcome in the end and maybe then I will be free, but I know I must go through a lot of pain whether I´m with my husband or without him. I dont know why God put this test on me, why I am still here for my husband after all he has done to me.

Or maybe I have lost my self in all this. I dont know why it feels better to suffer and sacrifice myself. Maybe because I dont know the outcome...but deep inside I should know. I really hurt if picturing my husband still down there in the middle east..like lost. I still feel compassion for him even how he has treated me. I dont know why...do God really want me to do this...I dont know..I pray every night God to help me no matter what happens, but I think God see my heart and my real wishes...and we have free will...maybe God see I need to go through this to learn to love myself...to be free?

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi sadgreeneyes,

I have often wondered how you were.

I'm sorry that things are so terribly rough for you :)

Its good that you have your faith, and that your faith is helping you to cope with your difficulties.

You dont deserve to be treated in the way your husband treats you. And deep down somewhere deep inside you, you realise this.

I know how scarey it is when your partner treats you badly, and often the fear stops you from doing things that you know in the long run will protect you :)

You have suffered enough from the actions of this man, do you think it is time now, to try look after your own needs ?

You deserve ever so much more out of life, than living in fear :(

Please, keep yourself safe

Take care dear friend :o

Sue

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Hi SweetSue,

thank so much for your warm and supportive words, I know you want the best for me...I really tried for a while to focus on me but it seems like I´m not able to take care of me first before I am free again...free again to start new loving me...making all new fresh start...I believe in God and I dont want to be the one who breaks a marriage. I broke my first marriage as we had no love. 5 months ago I did go to church and confessed my sins for the first time in my life and I have promised to God I will never sin again. I dont want to be the one who breaks the marriage. Even God see how he treats me. Even God maybe even wish I did, I dont know what He thinks.

I know I do deserve better, much better, I keep thinking after the storm maybe I will be free alone or maybe my husband even can love me...but I really doubt he will...even he say he does.

Maybe he will leave me again if I dont get the money now in some months...it will make me sad but at least I will know he for sure didnt care anything about me and God will see I didnt do him wrong. Most of all I will know I didnt do him any wrong. To know I didnt do him any wrong is more important to me in the long run because I really do struggle with guilt.

Thank you Sue:o

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi sadgreeneyes,

It is really hard to take care of yourself when there is so much turmoil surrounding you, I understand and can relate to that.

Hun, I know how deeply you believe in God, I believe in him also, just maybe in a slightly different way to you. God likes to send us messages of love and understanding and likes to give hope to all, that hope may not always be noticed by the eye, but by a feeling inside our heart. I do not believe that he would want you to suffer as much as this, or for as long as you have. But that is only my version of faith and my understanding. I dont think anybody actually knows what God thinks.

If your husband tells you that he cant love you, why does he still treat you in this manner ? Why cant he just leave you alone, and allow you to move on with your life ? I will never understand some men :)

I dont think that if you summoned up all your courage and inner strength to leave your husband, that you would be doing anything wrong, in any ones eyes.

You deserve love, you deserve so much more than abuse, you deserve your safety, most of all you deserve to be able to live your life how you want to live it - not how someone else tells you to.

I hope I have not offended you in anyway with my words, I do not mean to, I just care so strongly about domestic abuse, and believe no person should ever have to just put up with it :)

Please take care :(

Edited by SweetSue
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Hi SweetSue,

no not at all have you offended me...I do agree with you too...that no one should ever have to suffer abuse... I do too..think that God doesnt wanted me to suffer so much...I know God puts us on tests to grow, but when it comes to abuse he wouldnt want anyone through such test...I dont think that...just that I did get into this and I think with my knowledge now I have learned much to take with me in life...I dont know its just so difficult to let go...I think its grief...he doesnt say he cant love me...he has never said he cant love me...I am the one who say to him he cant love me as he has spoken in other abusive ways and words "like he doesnt care"...even he has never said to me he doesnt care..he is still around mainly because I still can get him to my country...if it wasnt for this he would be gone by now as he did show me by divorcing me...I dont know why I am still here for him...I guess its fear losing him, losing what could have been...and the guilt I have if I let him down..I know Sue...I would sure not do anyone wrong...but it feels like I let him down and I dont want to have that feeling because it feels so bad...I would feel so bad for so long time...and even I was even justified letting him down...as he lets me down.

I know there will come a better day, dont know when but I believe it will come in one or another way:o

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi sadgreeneyes.

I can relate to you not wanting to let him down, even understand it to a certain degree.

When I got rescued from my babies father 3/4 years ago, I felt terribly dissapointed in myself like I had failed my ex, in some way done him wrong, and in a way I grieved over him, I am embarrased to admit, I think though mainly because I was in love with him, but not as the person/monster he became, I was still in love with him for the person he was when we first met, also he was my childrens father.

I was tempted many times to return to him, even though he treated me, unkindly and ever so badly. But I stayed strong, and continued the path that my children and I needed. We had to live in safety houses, and change our names, etc. But living in fear is no life for an adult, and certainly no life for babies.

Are you afraid of living on your own, of being without your husband ?

Its not so bad, you know. Its difficult and lonely at times, but it is manageable. And after a time, you start to learn again the freedom, and how to make decisions for yourself. You start to enjoy life.

Yes better days will come dear friend, I hope that your better days arrive soon :)

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SweetSue,

I am so sorry you have gone through this...I know how hard it must have been for you...it takes lots of courage and strength to leave your abuser...I am glad you made it. I know it did hurt you and I know so well how you felt and how difficult it was...which makes me believe you can relate very well to me....like you say...you know how I feel...those who have gone through abuse know how difficult it is to leave the abuser. I think also that all of us that goes through abuse feels guilt even we are not to blame at all.

I feel both fear and grief by losing him. But the fear not having him creates a really unpleasant fear and anxiety in me. And I think the fear is related to the grief losing him not knowing will he love someone else...when I should know very well that abusers doesnt love anyone no matter what woman he meet. He wont treat another woman any better.

Beside this I feel I cant love again, I loved him, he stole my spirit. I also felt he raped my soul when he left me to bleed and abused me and tortured me those two weeks before he divorced me.

He has me under his spell it feels like.

At same time I feel feel fear if I should be with him, not because I would fear him becoming violent, but I cant trust him as he has broken the trust. Thats one of the reasons why I feel such anxiety and wanting to escape at same time I cant leave.

No matter it will be an outcome from this too:o

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Dear, sadgreeneyes,

I have to agree with you, I think those who go through abuse feel do feel guilt, even though they are not to blame. I know with myself I felt guilt because I should have tried harder, done what he told me to and up to his standard, without getting it wrong. It took me ages and loads of therapy, until I realised that his standards kept changing, and that his expectations were to high for anyone to be able to meet. I dont feel guilty for him now. I feel pity, pity that he knew no better, and anger, anger that I allowed him to make me feel this way. Also sorry for him, for he can only achieve, by taking others self respect and dignity. He was a bully :)

Its strange isnt it, how someone has so much control over you, that they can even imprint there thoughts into your head, and you believe them so much, that there thoughts become your own.

If your husband, does move forward to love someone else, it dosnt mean that you are any less of a person. You too, will one day be able to move forward from this, and find love, with someone that will return that love, and treat you fairly, with understanding.

He cant steal your spirit hun, I know that it feels that way, seriously I know that feeling. But your spirit belongs to you, you cant give it away, it cant be taken, its Gods special gift to you and remains with you always. Your spirit can get hurt though, but in time your spirit mends.

He may have you under his spell, but spells cant last forever, spells get broken.

I think his spell on you is weakening.

Because you now have the strength to speak out, and look out for you - as you are doing here, right now.

Please keep yourself safe :)

Edited by SweetSue
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Thank you Sue,

its true he can only hurt my spirit ( he nearly killed it it felt like), but my spirit is still mine. You know, I dont believe abusers move on and love, they are abusers, they rarely change. My abuser is a narcissist, others say so too, I even think he can be a sociopath as he has shown strong traits. He show no remorse, empathy or guilt. He appear grandiose and selfish. "I will be ( his name ) forever", he just told me. Not sure did he mean Jekyll or Hyde:( I guess both in between when it suits him.

I´m glad you could be able to feel anger toward your ex, I think with time if my husband leaves me one day I will be able to feel anger too..maybe...unless he by then has not made me feel even more disgusted by his behavior. Like you say I may just sit left with only pity for him. Abusers really do take enthusiasm and joy away from life. I lost my enthusiasm many many weeks ago...he killed everything...but abusers know the time when to throw you some crumbs and we eat those crumbs...its spooky how they can sense when to throw these crumbs.

Its true spells can be broken. I think days will be better when I know where I am heading in life:o

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi sadgreeneyes,

Parts of me, ok most of me believes an abuser cant change, but a tiny piece of me still hopes that if an abuser, mends his bad ways, and learns how to treat people with respect and as a person rather than a possesion or property, that with therapy, and like loads and loads of guidance and help, that they then too can change and be a nicer indiviual. Yeah, I know its a big ask, but I do hope that for some atleast if not all abusers that this is possible. But maybe thats just because I always like to see the best in people - even now.

Yes hun, abusers truely know how to take the fun out of life, and that is very sad yet very true :)

I think with my ex at one point I was that, scared, desperate lonely and afraid, that any small thing that he threw my way, I was actually really grateful for. I was so eager to get his approoval, even now I am not sure why. But he knew, he knew that, and he played it to his advantage - big time. :)

You are being very brave today sadgreeneyes, I hope that your courage only grows stronger, and that you are able to find peace and happiness :(

You dont need to know where you are heading hun, just what you are heading away from. Just place one foot infront of the other, and slowly but surely your feet will take you in life where you want to be :o

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Hi again SweetSue,

some abusers might be able to change throught years of therapy, that is true, but unfortunately most abusers doesnt even want to admit they have a problem. At least not narcissists and sociopaths. I think if I asked my husband to face his problem I could try till I was blue in the face. Now he will be back with me in some weeks and I dont know how it will be.

Like you did and still do, I am too wondering even now today, why I take his crumbs, like you I felt grateful for a while, but not anymore. I dont show I am grateful anymore as there is nothing to be grateful for. His abusive behavior went way to far, till I started getting distaste. He see its not just to throw some nice words anymore.

It depends were I am heading in life, as long as he is still with me I have problems leaving. Part of me want to escape, part of me wants to see what could be, its not easy this.

I will know more later. I cant lie to myself, I know I wont be able to start and heal before I am abandoned:(

:)

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi sadgreeneyes.

I know with my ex, I took him to court for his violence, and well all he got was a fine, and 2 years probation, and ordered to do a anger management course.

He got thrown off the course for his anger - 3 times :)

And I only know this coz the court cases with him lasted 2 damn years :mad:

It isnt a easy choice hun, I completely understand. And its a hard choice to make. Deep inside you, you have the answers you need already - you just need to listen to them and embrace them.

Try not to think of it as him abandoning you. Is there maybe a different way that you can view it. Like erm, maybe 'I had to let him go, because he was damaging my spirit, and hurting me, so I set him free, because I deserve better'

Take care and please stay safe :)

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Hi SweetSue,

thats true they have real difficult controlling their anger,I believe mine has some problems too, I have experienced his impulsiveness and not knowing what to expect next is horrible. I do know I feel sick about this marriage. He has said so many hurtful words to destroy my self confidence to make me feel unlovable and worthless, then say "I didnt say I didnt love you". But the damage is already done, exactly as he planned. And if you ask them for clarification you are afraid they will get angry so I walk on eggshells with him.

I just asked him for clarification on sms, but why do I, I will only be invited more lies or maybe just get anger back, that I am having this doubt that HE created, but in his eyes that is my fault. I just called him and the phone was busy, I called again now and he was unavailable. I just hate the way he treats me.

I know I should look at it the way you say, and I try to say he is sick. I dont deserve this, I really dont. :)

Take care too.

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Hey sadgreeneyes been a bit since I checked in thought I would say hello.

Sorry to see you are still going through this. It isn't easy I know.

If it will help I found the core root of my problem was based in my childhood.

The rejection and abandonment issues all stemmed from there. I'm betting yours stems from past traumas as well we are too alike for it not to.

Only thing I can help you with is figuring out no matter what direction you go down the key is to focus on yourself rather than the one that is hurting you. Focus on healing. Focus on raising your self esteem. On loving yourself and knowing you are loved.

I can't talk on anything.. if I hadn't of fixed it where I culdn't go back I would have to and would still be hurting just as much. Being alone is difficult. But being in a relationship where love is one sided is already being alone. ..But I understand what you are thinking and feeling. It is hard.

Again my advice no matter what focus on yourself. Forget his stress. Focus on you.. what makes YOU happy.

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An example of what I was talking about say any of us is being hurt emotionally by something or someone, if you think about it especially how we are feeling love and hate is being returned.. if we focus on how we are being wronged it focuses our thoughts on the problems which further increases our worries and stress. The more we worry the more emotionally unstable we become and the more likely we are to make more mistakes. It creates a negative cycle.

If we focus our attention on healing it helps ease the stress and breaks the cycle. And this is a positive step you can take regardless what paths you decide to take in life. I'm not healed from my pains by a long shot but this has helped me. I hope it can help you as well :)

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Hey random,

its been a while since I posted yes, I was doing better for a while but knew I couldnt get myself out of this before he eventually leave for good. Its sad.

I know it comes from trauma in childhood, abandonment issues, striving for what I strived for in childhood, to be loved and heard. All I experienced was being ignored not expecting anything, no communication, just being alone in the bedroom, that was my childhood. Now I sit with a man who are in a distant country and he ignores me as well and I strive. This is not love, to have to strive for the love. Because love should be there automatically. I must try to focus on me again, I feel terrible right now as I tried to call him for one hour soon and he is still unavailable, I just hate the way he treats me and I txt him exactly that. I said I wouldnt be available for him either. I know it sounds childish to say but its the hurt child in me talking. Because it does hurt. I am tired of being hurt.

Part of me wants to shake him for how he treats me, part of me wants to scream out to him how horrible he treats me.

I just hate the way he treats me, I dont deserve it.

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Its true what you say random, the more we focus on the negative the more bad it gets. I just feel that right now after calling him and he is unavailable for one hour. I bet he is busy with whatever he is busy with, I just hate how he treats me. Now I sit feeling horrible. Wish to escape. And now he will be angry and if he txt I will let him wait and not be available for him either, he deserves it the way he treats me. Isnt it so that in a marriage you should believe you would feel safe and loved...this is what is healthy and normal...instead I am alone in all this, its one sided and it feels not good at all. Even a cat would be able to love me more than my husband.:)

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All I experienced was being ignored not expecting anything, no communication, just being alone in the bedroom, that was my childhood.
Interesting this was a huge chunk of my childhood as well. Don't call him! Listen to me on this because we are the same and we both know it. I found the more I interacted with her and her family the more I set myself up for pain the worse I got. Do you see the pattern you call him he ignores it you worry. You think multiple negative thoughts that then chain forming greater problems. You then want to communicate even more to counter the negative thoughts and pain.. and it keeps going keeps growing until he does respond then there is some relief but not enough from all the pain that built up in the process. I'm just trying to help.

Her mom got in touch 2 weeks ago.. after 4 months no contact with any of them.. I saw this same pattern I just talked about for the first time as I was healed enough to see it. I got much much worse in only a weeks time.

I hated to do it as she did nothing to hurt me but I had to break it off with her as well. I couldn't sacrifice my health my mental stabitily to hold on to them... as much as I wanted to.. as much as I care for them.

You have to ask yourself if after all this : Is he worth it?

..and I think you know the answer already.

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Do you see the pattern you call him he ignores it you worry. You think multiple negative thoughts that then chain forming greater problems. You then want to communicate even more to counter the negative thoughts and pain.. and it keeps going keeps growing until he does respond then there is some relief but not enough from all the pain that built up in the process.

That is exactly how it is, you nailed it. I feel I dont want to answer him after he has done this to me. He see I have called 4 times and he still hasnt wonder why I have called. Usually I get warning my txts has come through to him, but they havent this time, anyway he see I have called and he doesnt even write me a message or call me asking why I have called.

I am thinking if this is how it is, then he doesnt deserve my attention at all. I would like to destroy my sim card. I even said that to him and said I have other sim card. Its all a mess now with me. I hate him for doing this to me.

I just cut my sim card in two:( I must have lost my mind. But at least its a lesson for him to see he cant reach me. My goodness, what have I done?

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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The tighter you hold on the worse it will get. We are pretty much the same.

I am not saying if being with him is right or wrong, but you have to change something. Your actions in cutting the card were like mine when I broke contact. Do not regret what you did.

You are getting to the point where the pain is so bad inside you are trying to break it off, and you will do this more and more until you are free.

I did the same.. and though I regret it and do miss her..at the same time I don't.. I am so much better.. healthier mentally.. much much more stable.

The pain they caused us did make us clingy. And being clingy makes people anyone back off.. then that triggers our phobias makes us act different from normal. For me the only way to reset was to get away. Nothing else worked as hard as I tried. Still do not know what happened whose fault it was ..nothing.. but I do know I had to get away to heal.. I had no choice. No choice. I tried everything but was slowly getting worse and more emotionally unstable. Now I am stable not dropping further into chaos.. and I think I am healing some :)

Edited by randomperson
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Strange how we are so much the same, you did the same...I thought my action was like "have I lost my sanity" cutting the card...but you make much sense out of it when you say "the pain gets too bad so I try to break it off". I tried to do that with two txts the latest month because the pain was too much and I felt sick both emotionally and mentally. I guess cutting the sim card was just another try even I didnt think of it as a " break it off try", but you are right...the more I feel about what I did the more comes the feeling of a relief from cutting it. Its just that I know he will contact me on mail. But I will pretend not seeing his mail. He might go ballistic. Thats not my fault. He could divorce me easily without empathy, being a monster cruel evil, so why should he suffer not reaching me.

It just feels so good with this relief. It may sound sadistic saying this but its nearly like I feel some pleasure he can work now. In meantime I have peace kinda. I do think I did this to get relief, because I can really feel relief now. But it hurts too. I loved him. But he doesnt care about me. I am all alone. He ignores my needs and feelings.

I guess its not so bad as I know he still has my email, but at least I know he can work or go ballistic for a while:o

And its true...I too felt much healthier mentally the time I didnt interact with him.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Good or bad I know the back and forth. I do know you can't keep playing his game or it will drive you nuts. You got to either break it off or get some type of stability in the relationship. Or it will make you get worse.. I know because that is what happened to me.

Maybe it is something as simple as seeking couple's counseling. I don't know this is a good question for others.

Edited by randomperson
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I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I wish you would leave. No one should have to live like that. I know it is hard, but I saw in your earlier post that you don't want to be the one to end the marriage? Your husband ended it when he put his hands upon you. You don't owe him anything, let alone an open door to do it again. I hope for your sanity's sake that you find the strength within yourself to take care of yourself, and not him. My prayers go out to you.

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Hi

sadgreeneyes

Please stay away you think he might change & he probably sooner or later will tel you anything you want to here exp. I love you I promise it will never happen again it won't at the beginning but it will later I went through physical & mental abuse I also felt guilt & weird enough that I can honestly tell you for some reason I still love him this was my 1st marriage we have even said we shoul of never got divorced which I iniciatied I even paid for it. Except when he said will you forgive me on what happened. Now I was 6months pregnant he kicked me in the stomach & hit me with a heavy Tonka truck in the stomach I then went into labor that nite I delivered a dead baby on my own. In front of my three year old son the one he kidnapped from me when he was 5 I still go through hell. Please Please don't believe I fell for it I'm not saying this will happen to you I'm just saying this is what abuse. My 2nd marriage fell because I just couldn't trust and I protected myself from hurt. I also don't believe I really never loved him. I'm just saying be very careful. Love does HURT

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Hi and thank you all,

he did email me he didnt mean to hurt me and didnt mean what he said that time, I wrote him a long letter saying exactly how things is, what I mean, what I see in him, how he acts, how he created the doubt and I told him right out his behavior is mental abuse and I have said once again to him he needs to change. He admitted he needs to change, he said me too, and that may be true, but he is the cause to most of the things I should need to change because he is the one who has to change if I am gonna change. I am like I am because of him, if he gave me love I would be safe. He at least agreed and understood, said he wouldnt leave me again, that he loved me and that I shouldnt be afraid. I told him right out how serious it was, what he had done, that I got sick, anxious and depressed and had to use alcohol 3 times to cope with him when we chat and that I had to use calming meds because of the pain and loss, I told him to pay attention to this as I said I dont want to get sick again and cry and be dead in my spirit. I have lost all my family and have been grieving my whole life, so I said to him to think over what he has done, to not do this again as peoples lives and feelings are not to play with. That my feelings and well being is important so I can be able to function in life. I told him if he cant promise me this time he had to tell me. If he still promise and still throw me away after what I have told him then I will see for real he really is an evil monster.

I know he might say things to make me believe anything he says, and it scares me. I do still care about him, maybe love him, but at same time it is this hatred what he has done to my spirit.

I am so sorry Leo, the loss of your baby must have been horrible, I am so sorry. I am glad you are away from him.

Its true love does hurt if its one sided. Which it is in abusive marriages/relationships. I hurt too. I dont know can he change.

I had to tell about my sim card 3 times, he obviously didnt believe I had cut it in two. He had tried to call and sent me 3 sms. He admit he needs to change for the better ( he put me into this change too), say he believe in this, but he wouldnt change about the phone as he means its not a lie. Ok.

Anyway, I am scared to be left again. I dont know what will be. I guess I am very stupid giving him a new chance after all he has said. Its not easy when you have loved someone and still care about them and they promise not to leave you again. At least I have wrote him all whats on my mind and in my heart and how I suffered. If he doesnt care hurt me again I will truly believe in monsters. That he is one.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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