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Wasted Life


Solstice
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This is going to be fairly self-pitying, but I can't talk to anyone, and I just have to get this out somewhere...my life has been an utter waste. I am nobody's friend, nobody's mother, a terrible wife, an ungrateful daughter, and a so-so employee (too good to fire, but apparently not good enough to promote). If I disappeared right this second, only a handful of people would notice, and I think only one of them would even be sad. I know it'd be a huge relief to my husband, and likely to my mother as well, given her repeated statements that she never wanted a kid in the first place (of course, if she had just had the guts to not have me, then neither of us would have had to be unhappy).

I've tried to improve my life. Be a better person. Do better things. Learn to handle my emotions. Be tougher and just deal with the fact that everything sucks. I've failed, each and every time. All I want now is to quit.

I'm not suicidal -- I know I'd just screw that up too and end up in a worse place than I am now. But I just keep wishing that I could go to sleep one night and not wake up...or wake up and find that this has all been a horrible dream.

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Hi Soltice

Sorry you are hurting so deeply. :)

Is there anything that you enjoy in your life at the moment ?

Even if its only a small thing, like going for a walk in the fresh air, or reading a good book.

Is there anything you can do to try take your mind off how sad you are feeling ?

Were listening,

Take care

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Thanks, Sue. I'm not finding much of anything too enjoyable just now. Work eats up most of my time. If I'm home, it's pretty hard to take my mind off the complete failure that is my marriage. If I go out, I feel like I should be home trying to make my marriage less of a complete failure. I'm just eating myself up inside, and can't find a way to distract myself.

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You know, sometimes thinking of things as successes or failures is kind of a set-up. Especially when depression is doing the evaluation.

There's just ... What do I want? And, how do I get it?

Even if you could somehow prove that your life up until now had been a waste, wouldn't dying now simply lock that result in? I would think such a judgment could be an inspiration not to allow the rest of it to be a waste ...

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There's the rub, Malign -- I neither know what I want nor how to get it (probably how I ended up where I am now...) I'm too swayed by what everyone else wants, what I think I should want, and so on. And of the few things I do know I want (a happy marriage, for example), I haven't a clue how to get from here to there, or even if it's possible. I feel paralyzed, trapped. I'd love to find a way to make the rest of my life better than my past, I'd love my regrets to inspire me, but all my past seems to do is drag me down.

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If the past drags you down, why live in it?

This is the moment. Who cares about how it "measures up", whether it's better or worse than a past moment? This is the one you've got.

To me, that thought is inspiration. You don't have to carry anything but your skin and what you choose to carry.

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That is an inspirational thought, Malign. But even assuming I stop dwelling on my past and my "failures" (which would be a first for me), the people around me don't. Simple example: my husband has been badly hurt by how I've acted. Consequently, he's very angry at me. He's not inclined to forgive. Every minute around him is just another reminder of the ways I've gone wrong, and I don't seem to be able to mend things with him.

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Hi Solstice :)

Im sorry things are so complicated for you and are hurting so deeply :(

Im sorry your husband is angry at you. Is there maybe some way you could talk with him, tell him how you are feeling, would that help any, or just make things worse. I know its a difficult jugement call to make at times. :(

Take care

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Tell me again why you need reminders, internal or external, polluting your moment?

Perhaps this is the moment to make it clear to those around you that you're making a new start, and need them to do the same. I mean, they may not, but it beats despairing and gives you information to decide what to do in the next moment ...

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Sue, I know it would probably be best to talk to my husband, but every time I talk to him, I just seem to make it worse between us. Sometimes I think I should just try not talking for a while and see where that gets me. I'm always so determined to try to make amends and make things better that I think I push too hard.

Malign, I've made it clear to the people around me that I want to make a new start. But then I just fall back into old patterns -- makes me less than credible...

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