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Why why why!!!


Aurinko
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Why am i such a pathetic piece of a so called human being. Today has, up until now, been the first day in about 3 months where i haven't binged or purged. I only told my doc. about it a little over a month ago(i have suffered from bulimia for about 3 years, with a bout of being dangerously underweight) because i came to the point that i just couldn't struggle alone any longer. Anyways, more about my recent struggles in the newbies section.

I've started treatment, and am working really hard on putting an end to the vicious binge and puke cycles. I've been an anxious wreck and am so scared i'm not going to succeed. At the moment i am so so close to finding something, anything to put in my mouth. If i do that now, i will once again have failed and i just don't know how many times i can fail something like this and still find the strength to keep on going. How can a mind be so screwed up??? Summer has come here, and i find myself so disgusting. I hate the fact that i need to wear summery clothes and have my foul body be on display. I need to shape up, but yet all i my body is doing is telling me to eat eat eat. Then when i do that, i have to vomit it up. If only that would actually disperse of all the calories...but we know that its a fact that it doesn't work like that.

I've been doing lots of admitting recently. The doctor was the first person i told an dnow i have told my closest freinds, 2 flatmates and a few work mates. Hah, it sounds like i'm proud. That is certainly not the case. I'm just doing everything i can to get on the road to recovery. The stuff about my past which is haunting me is the next thing i need to open up about. Somehow, i'm just hoping it will disappear, but what if in order to recover from my eating disorder, depression and anxiety, i first have to confront all of that? Anyone got any ideas, experience on that?

Oh please, please let me have the strength to end this day without messing it up. Sorry if my writing is all messy and makes little sense...i'm hoping that this venting will help me steer clear of the kitchen and let me wake up tomorrow with a small, yet so important sense of accomplishment. I know, i day without barfing my food does not sound like much to be happy about, but i would see it as 1 small step towards a happier and healthy future.

Wow, writing all that has helped me, at least for this moment. Thank you all out there, whoever and wherever you are. Thankyou for reading, perhaps for feeling some compassion. But in the very least, i do believe that there is little to no judging going on here in this community, only advice and sometimes hard truths, but no intended nastiness...knowing that means incredibly much to me!

Edited by Aurinko
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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi Aurinko,

I think it's good that you get as much support as you can from your friends. You can be proud about opening up to people, I find that difficult to do. :o

I don't know if there is a right order to address your issues, but there could be a connection and your doctor might have the best idea of how to move on and maybe you get additional therapy, when you tell them. Every little step is important, so I'm glad your day was good and that writing helped. Take care.

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Their is so much to an eating disorder that I do not think the average person can quite understand. Are you getting treatment for the ED? If so then part of the treatment should focus on eating healthy and not have the urge to purge. It teaches you how to eat again the right way . That is really hard when the body is starving. That is why it is very important to have as much support as you can deuring this rough part. A person get suse to bingeing and purging fairly quickly. The body tricks itself into thinking that it is full even though you have purged afterwards. At least that is what I thought when I had an ED. I also got down to a very low weight before recieving treatment, only to lose all the weight again afterwards.

I think An ED is different for the person ... Some people who have Buimia do not lose a lot of weight, while others can lose so much weight it looks more like anorexia. I was one of those who lost a lot of weight , but had the bulimia too. It is never easy to try to quit these behaviors on your own. So the best thing I can offer is to make sure you have plenty of support and feedback. ED's are something you can't just stop doing over night. Their will be times that you will want to purge right away. Problem is that it is too easy to eat too much without knowing, then going ahead and purging again.

It is summer time which makes it more dangerous for someone with an ED. Fluids are lost and electrolytes can easily become unbalanced , combined with the heat, the ED can easily become very bad quickly. Always keep hydrated . Bottled water is fine, no calories.

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yeah, just started on a program specifically for people with Bulimia nervosa. I've had one appointment with the leading doc and have been to 2 lectures, one still to go on tuesday which is part of the program and meant to help one with getting the cycle of binging and purging stopped and to start eating regularly and enough. We got lots of information about food, fasting and what it does to the body, along with a stack of different papers, with charts to keep a food diary, what amount of energy a normal person needs, even pictures of how a daily amount of food looks on plates etc etc. The thing is, i felt totally distressed with the info and the first thing i did after the last two lectures was come home and binge/purge. The amount of food they say we should eat is, in my eyes, absurd, but they say that through regular eating of enough calories, the need to stuff yourself with food will come to an end. I don't think i can do it. But, trying not to think of how much i should be eating and at the mo just concentrating on eating regularly, every 3 to 4 hrs feel like like it or not and trying to get my head around the fact that i'm allowed to have a meal without having to get rid of it. I'm also keeping a food diary, which is part of the treatment and something we'll go through at all the appointments. I find it strange though. They say keeping a food diary is important, but that one should try to stop thinking about food all the time....i feel thats very contradictory. Ah well, i suppose the professionals know what they are on about. I managed NOT to binge and NOT purge yesterday, which for me is amazing. I really have this forum to thank for that, cos at the point of writing yesterday i was in bad shape, but by the time i had written all the text i felt a little better. God this is all so difficult. Yes, i am drinking lots of water, sometimes i wonder wheather i drink too much...than again, if rid myself of most of the water i drink, i suppose its a good thing.

Cheers for your words of wisdom.

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After all these years have gone by , I do remember having to keep a food diary .. I thnk it is suppose to help just writing your feelings down on paper about the food your suppose to eat without bingeing or purging. Their are so many feelings about that. I also remember that the first part of the treatment is the most difficult. I was inpatient for the anorexia and bulimia. I started retaining a lot of water weight and panicked, becasue I looked really bloated .. Unfortunately the treatment backfired becasue after I got out I lost most of the weight, and went back to 87 pounds. but, did not hit the 75 pounds again. I actualy did use what I learned during treatment though. But only when I got into long distance cycling. I got very strong and pulled my weight up to 93pounds. I had to eat though for the cycling, so would eat the power bars . But, still had the bulimia though. I still lokoed like a boy because of the thin frame. But the exercise from cycling all day was something Iloved to do. What happened to me was I ended up pregnant at a dimal 93-95 pounds. I gave in when that happened and gined a bunch of weight to have a healthy child.

So now, almost 18 yrs later I am heavy, but hell, I am happy though. I go through these stages where I am either way too thin or way too fat. At least now, I do not have to worry about a ED controlling my life all the time, However I really could lose some weight now, but am a little bit scared to, because I will go the other way again. No happy medium :o

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Guest ASchwartz

I want to recommend a really great book written by a woman with an eating disorder that everyone should find helpful. The book is called:

Life Without Ed

The auther is Jenni Schaefer and the man who helped her publish the book is Thom Rutledge.

Jenni began turning things around for herself by seeing her anorexia as a person named "ED." She decided to divorce Ed. How, recovery was a harrowing experience but, with help, she got there and...she remains divorced from Ed.

Please read it and we can discuss it if you wish.

This is for all of you who are friends with Ed and for others who want to understand this abusive person named Ed.

Allan

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Thanks for the tip ASschwartz. I've read about the book a few times and there's just been good stuff written about it. Anyways, straight after reading your post went and ordered it, but it'll be another two weeks before it's delivered.

mscat: Wow, you certainly can say...been there, done that! It gives me hope to hear that your ed certainly is not ruling your life anymore. Please, be VERY careful if you're going to start dieting. Are you still cycling? If you're able to live a normal-ish life with being a little on the heavy side, go with it. Hah, so very easy to say to someone else eh!? I wish you all the very best though, whatever road you take.

A year and a half ago i visited the other extremity of bulimia. I started going to kick boxing sessions every day and ate less and less. Became an absolute pro. in calorie knowledge and became increasingly underweight until my body gave in, had the flu of a lifetime and returned to the world of bulimia. During that stage, I didn't have my periods for 6 months, my body temperature was sometimes as low as 34.5degrees(freezing all the time), couldn't sleep, never saw friends 'cos was either working, training, or shivering on my sofa in front of the tv. I look back on this know and i know that i wasn't well....the thing that scares me, is that with knowledge, i can't help but look back on that and remember how good it felt. I was 2 sizes smaller, incredibly muscly and was IN CONTROL.....until i wasn't anymore.

Today is the 4th day without bingeing or purging...thats the most days in a row since about 1 year. The constant anxiety i have been feeling over the last few days is overwhelming, but today has already been a tad easier. The thing is, that i'm not eating anywhere near as much as i've been advised to and now i'm scared shitless that when this horrendous water retention goes away and if i manage to keep from getting back to the binge/purge cycle in the next weeks, then i see the 'weight' dropping and will continue onto anorexia once again. As you said mscat, no happy medium. All i can do is hope that my docs will be able to see it, and help me by intervening. HUh, and there is still the topic of sexual abuse and rape from 11-13 yrs that i haven't talked about, but which has risen from being very, very thoroughly pushed away for the last 14yrs or so and which i see now has quite likely got alot, if not everything to do with my relationship to my body and self.

Well, that was quite a novel yet again. I love this place (heh, never thought i'd say that about an internet site), it realy is a community of sorts isn't it! Good night to all and look after yourselves.

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4 days without binging and purging is really great ! Yes, the water rentention is difficult to deal with especially when you can see it on your body. I totally freaked out when it happened to me. I remember that well. I also suffered coldness all the time. The worst was air conditioners. Even on hot days I had to wear a sweatshirt. It is interesting , this ED, I still remember a lot about it and the details , but have a hard time accepting that I really was way too thin and all I thought about was food, binging and purging. I am a bit scared to lose the weight that I need to, because I only know of the bad ways.

your making progress! I hope their is a lot of support for you . A lot of times a ED is not always about food. Their are hidden reasons as to why we need to be thin and cannot see ourselves as ever "too thin" . I also went a few years without having normal cycles too, but like that part. I had to take estogen pills to help them come back. But, that was in the days that I did not care .

It is so good you are trying to overcome this ED. I hope you will not have to go through with any dental problems , or stomach issues because of it. ED"S wreak havoc on the body.

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ED's wreak havoc on the body. They certainly do. Dental problems, tick: I am one of those unfortunate ones who has always had 'weak' teeth, come from a family where we ate very healthy with a proper restriction on sweets, fizzy drinks only at grandparents etc...3 years of acid in the mouth has done lots of damage. I haven't been to the dentist for about 2 years. Thats also ahead of me...can't bear to think about it at the moment though. Stomach issues, tick: I've suffered from acute gall bladder problems, no stones, just severe inflamations (almost managed to convince myself that it had nothing to do with Ed. Only told about my ed 6 weeks ago, so for the past years, poor doctors couldn't explain it)...yes, i am a messed up creature!! I've been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome and generally, the whole workings of my stomach are totally screwed up. The fact that i have had no bowel movement for 7 days certainly does not help with feeling/looking bloated :(

Did you suffer from these issues and if so, how are they now? I know that teeth don't fix themselves, but digestion probs etc? Also, how long did you have the whole bloating crap for...do you remember?

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi Aurinko,

that's great that you managed those 4 days! Maybe with some time you'll also get closer to the amount of food that was recommended. I don't know the answers to questions about the ED, but I hope you feel better soon.

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Aurinko,

I am glad that you are helping yourself. Stay strong and hang in there. It only gets easier with time. The thing that I find very interesting is that we women equate our body looking good to us with being in control of things, even if we do some very unhealthy things to get there. We all have to come to love ourselves truly, and when you have an ED, you are not treating your body right or loving yourself. I don't know if you've ever done it, but I tried a while ago the South Beach Diet. The doctor says to eat as much as you want, but you are eating the right stuff. He was a cardiologist that wrote it to help his high cholesterol patients lower their cholesterol, and they lost weight. It's very low calorie, but high energy food. I loved it and every once in a while dip back in for a couple weeks. You are hungry, because you're eating mostly veggies, but it's good for your body. I hope you keep up the good work, and I look forward to your updates.

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