How do I forgive? (Trigger?)

[JGXP08]

Well there really is not much to say so I might as well get straight to the point, about 8 months ago my wife caught my sons teacher attempting to sexually abuse our son while he was helping him use the potty. About a year ago my son would say "no teacher" when it was time for him to go to school and we just laughed it off thinking that he was just not wanting to go to school...when in actuality his teacher was hurting him. My son is almost 4 so I am not sure if he will remember any of this but I know my wife, myself and our families will never forget. i need to learn how to forgive (at least my wife says that I should) I do not think I can though, my biggest fear came true as a parent. My wife has been seeing a counselor and is having an easier time dealing with this situation than I am. I am so mad and it is really affecting my day to day life. I so not trust therapists as I have had bad luck in the past with them. I just need some advice on how to deal with all these emotions I am feeling. I do not want to offend anyone on here and go into detail but I cannot believe that someone like that was able to gain mine and my wifes trust and be around our innocent child and the other children iin the class. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil...Am I wrong to feel this angry? How does one heal after something like this?

[SweetSue]

Hi JGXP08

Well firstly sorry I have to say, I hope that the teacher has or is being prosecuted, and certainly that the teacher is no longer working anywhere near children. :mad:

I can fully understand you being angry - you have every right to be. Any parent would be.

I dont know if you can learn to forgive something like that. Maybe in time you can learn to deal with what has happened, and move forward from it - but forgiveness, well its a big ask. But that is just my personal oppinion, I suppose it may be possible.

Also speaking as a adult who was sexualy abused as a child, I am more than a little biased. So forgive me if I seem unhelpful or impolite.

Dealing with the anger, well I know when I get angry its best if possible to do something physical some form of excercise, like running or going to the gym, get a punch bag and really give it some wellie. Work the anger out of you.

Also you could try meditation, dont worry you dont neccessarily need to see a therapist to learn how to meditate.

Sorry Ive not been of much help, but Im sure other members will be able to offer you some better ways of coping with your anger.

Take care

[CantGiveItAway]

Hi JGXPO8,

That sounds awful , I feel for you. Im probabaly not the best one to give any advice right now.

Please be patient!!, this place can move at a slow pace sometimes.

Dont worry about offending anyone. Just speak whats on your mind, people will respond.

[JGXP08]

SweetSue,

Thank you for the reply. Yes he has been prosecuted to full exent of the law. He wnded up with 2 years in jail when all was said and done (there were other things he was convicted with) I am sorry to hear that you too were abused as a child and my heart goes out to you. My wife was sexually abused till she was taken by the state away from her birthparents at age 6. I on the other hand was loved so much and never hurt in any way and just cannot believe that people could hurt innocent children like yourself, my wife and my son. It baffles me and makes me so angry. I have noticed that since the incident I have extreme anxiety such as I have an almost over powering fear of letting my son out of my sight if only for a minute. I hate to leave for work because my mind is constantly playing out senarios of what could happen if my wife and him go out. I feel like a failure as a parent because I could not stop this from happening. What is surprising to me is that even though my wife is crushed by this as well, and it has brought back memories she had worked hard to forget and move on from, that she has been everyones rock through this. I honestly do not know where I would be without her if I had to go through this alone or with someone else.

I know that wanting to forgive seems like the impossible but I feel like if I do not find a way to forgive this man it will eat me up and make me anger and bitter for the rest of my life.

Cantgiveitaway,

thank you for your respnse aas well

[pseudome]

I'm going to pretty much second everything sue said.

But I'll add this: I've only just told my father about abuse that happened to me as a kid and it's pretty much making him crazy too. Especially since it happened at home and for so long and he's only just now found out and I'm 31. He's gone hypervigilant as well (partly because of other things happening currently). So I guess what I'm saying is you and my dad should talk...heh... I don't know. I suppose I'm not being helpful.

It's fine to be angry. But what are you going to do with the anger? I don't know. Bad things happen sometimes and it just plain sucks.

All the best...

[SweetSue]

Hi

Well Im glad that he has been prosecuted and is in prison, where he belongs :mad:

I can understand about you not wanting to let your son out of your sight, I think that is a natural feeling - given the circumstance. In time you will learn to be more relaxed when your son is not with you. This is still so fresh for you and your family, it must be so very hard to come to terms with. My heart goes out to you all.

You are not a failure as a parent, unfortunately you cant be with your child 24/7. You did the best any parent could do, you sent your son to school - as is legally required. You werent to know, and niether was your wife, or any of the other parents with children in his class, that the teacher was a pedophile. And when things came to the notice that something was seriously wrong, you did your best and prosecuted. You and your wife, did all you could. And that makes you and your wife damn good parents.

I hope that you find a way to forgive this "person" if that is what you feel you need to do to be able to move forward.

Keep talking if it helps, we are listening.

Please take care

[IrmaJean]

JG, I'm so sorry your family is going through this. I'm glad this man was prosecuted for his actions.

Your anger and anxiety is certainly understandable. I hope that you are able to offer patience to yourself now. You sound very much like a caring father and I have no doubt that you would do anything to keep your children from harm. In a case like this, there is really no way you could have known. I hope you can be gentle with yourself, JG, and know that you are being the best father you can be to your son.

I wonder if you might reconsider finding a therapist to speak with about this? I hope that you and your wife are able to support one another now and comfort your son as well. Take care, JG.