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Not necessarily URGENT, but some would consider it an issue in need of addressing.


Filum
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The need isn't so prevalent right now, but at some point it's going to flare up again and I'm going to be in a real crisis. In fact, I registered last night to talk about it with someone before it disappeared, because when it's gone trying to talk about it is like describing a band you've heard OF but never listened to.

I want to kill people. Tear them apart and eat them raw. I'll hear someone say something, or see them write something that just sets me off and all I can think of is destroying them. I'll scream and curse in my room thinking about it, I'll pound on the table and throw things. Worse, I'll try to keep it inside so my parents don't hear, and I'll start tearing at myself until I'm sobbing quietly. It happens when I see that people don't agree with certain of my views.

I'm of the firm belief that humans are as valuable as cockroaches and excess people should be exterminated (killed..) to keep the population stable and healthy. The elderly should kill themselves at a certain age to cease being a burden on the rest of us, and suicide in general should be an honorable and accepted method of saving face. Murder should be acceptable when the population is too high. Criminals with a sentence greater than 20 years should be executed to save money. The poor should not be able to vote or have any say whatsoever in politics. Cannibalism should be legal. So on and so forth.

I'm aware that other people see fit to dismiss my opinions without a second thought, except possibly to wonder whether I'm simply joking in really bad taste. That's why I don't share them; I search for them on the internet to find like-minded people and when I inevitably find hordes of people completely denouncing what I think is right, I fly into a rage. I can't express anger or "joy" around others, I can't even raise my voice above a mumble in normal circumstances. My face is always a mask around others, even when I try to break it down. My voice is the same. Even while I'm howling and screaming and ranting inside, my face smiles and laughs of its own volition. Yes's and No's come out of my mouth, some more complex sentences if it's required, and people generally come away feeling like something is wrong with me but they're too uncomfortable to pursue it. I have friends, but they're not my friends, they're friends of the shell housing me. I despise them sometimes, I cry because I can't ever really know them other times. They think that I never get angry because I'm always laughing and smiling.

And it goes on! When I'm at the point of total clarity that sometimes hits me after my anger has dried up, I see everything like a light has been directed at it. I know that I have to kill myself, or that I have to kill others, or that the reason for my calm exterior is that I was meant for greatness and I need to keep my thoughts safe and secret until the time comes to act upon them. Ironically, this is the only time that my expression loses its function as a tool; my eyes are wide as dinner plates, and depending on which issue has become clear, I can't help but laugh out loud and grin like I won the lottery. Really laugh, really grin. I'm so happy at these times it's like I'm floating weightless.

I don't do very well in social situations. Can't understand them, don't know what people want from me. I'm woefully inadequate in a conversation. My body posture is all wrong. I can't look them in the eye, or when I do I feel like they can see directly into the roiling, real words in my head.

Eating people. Big one for me. Even when I'm as relaxed as possible for a bundle of nerves like myself, I consider eating them. Them in general. I think about asking for permission, getting them to sign a waiver, waiting for a natural death and then eating them. When I'm in a rage is when I want to cut them down in masses and eat their meat, but when the rage is gone I'm much more civil about it.

I've spent so much time writing this post that I can't remember what the point of it was. Those are all the problems I can fit into this night, unless I want to be up past midnight. Some people need their beauty sleep. There aren't many more, and the ones left are more suitable for the other board I sometimes visit when it's just depression afflicting me.

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Hi Filum,

Have you been to your doctor about these feelings ?

Have you considered some form of Therapy, are are you currently in Therapy ?

I think that it would be a important step in the right direction to take.

Okay, I dont really know what to say, as I dont want to upset or anger you. But these feelings you are experiencing, are really quite serious, and I think you should seek out professional help.

Keep talking here - if it is helping you :)

Just wanted to let you know that we are listening, and want to help if we can. :)

Take care

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I laughed as I read your post. This is the sick stuff I read about. While I do not agree with most things you said, your desire to eat flesh fascinates me.

Oh! Oh! The word for this paraphilia is called Vorarephilia, aka Vore.

From the sounds of it you are probably into the 'hardcore' vore and imagine eating them bite for bite. 'Soft' is usually non graphic and has to do with swallowing people whole or something like that.

Question, do you imagine eating them raw or dead? While still alive? Also is there a sexual component to it or is it just rage?

Tell me more!

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I've never shared this with anyone before. I can't. Typing it out is one thing, but when I try to speak it my mouth freezes up. Self defense, I suppose; the goal is to be free, and confessing that you consider killing others and yourself on a regular basis is a shortcut to losing your freedoms.

My doctor is there for physicals. Nothing else. I don't want therapy. I don't need help. I just need to have a place to talk about things when I repress them so I don't explode. Really, I'm only posting here for my mother's sake; she'd have to clean up the mess.

As for your interest, Darkness, dead. Raw. I haven't noticed an erotic aspect to it.

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I don't want therapy. I don't need help. I just need to have a place to talk about things when I repress them so I don't explode. Really, I'm only posting here for my mother's sake;

ok, you want a place to talk, (not therapy, or help) and you have that....So you don`t explode......how do you want to feel, emotionally.....

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I'm of the firm belief that humans are as valuable as cockroaches

But you are human, too... How do you feel about your own value?

I hear that it feels very challenging to connect with others. Might these angry/frustrated feelings have anything to do with the violent thoughts you've been having?

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I took the time to write a rather large and somewhat confusing paragraph in response to Sissagwaad's "What do you want?" but I'll answer that first. Just because I like hearing myself talk.

I'm more valuable than the rest. I have a use, and when that use is exhausted or if I fail, I will kill myself.

What I want is to die. The problem isn't that I want to eat human meat or kill everyone. The problem is that I know I'm not off my rocker in the slightest. I see answers to the Earth's predicament that other people don't, and my purpose is to prune humanity. These other things are gifts to help me. But there's no place for me and I don't know how to begin. There's another world inside my head filled with stories and people more interesting than this one, but I can't retreat there. I can spend weeks at a time there escaping from my life, but my foot is in the doorway and the outside world leaks in. The closest thing I can get to describing it is translucent. I'm there, I'm a hero. I overthrew the fascist regime of my mind and instituted my own. I committed large scale genocide. I abandoned my people to entertain myself in the gladiatorial ring. I came back and did it all over again because I could. This was all real, but at the same time I could see the weeks passing in the real world. Weeks turned into years. I know what happened during that time, because I was there. I was waking up, putting on clothes, going to school or gardening or trying to convince myself to pull the trigger of my dad's shotgun with the barrel in my mouth. I was getting a hand job from a stupid girl with more ex boyfriends than she had brains. I was in both places and I wasn't, and all I wanted was to go all the way in and close the door on the outside, fuck everything making demands on me. Let them put me somewhere I can't hurt myself and have no responsibility so I can make my exit, but there's the problem, I'm as sane as you can get. I can look at myself objectively, see my weakness and frailties. To quote Hamlet, I know a hawk from a handsaw. I'm stuck with being a stranger to the people I have to kill and I care about that. I'm given my full mental faculties to help me and all I can do is delay, trying to make people understand me without letting them in. I want them to understand why I have to do it, I want someone to agree with me so I know I'm doing the right thing. And then I want to retreat into my head, burn the bridges, nail the door shut and never come out.

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Hi Filum

Sorry I for one am not going to agree with you, just so that you can lock yourself away from the world and cause yourself more suffering.

Some of your thoughts, are really quite frightening to read about, do they truely not scare you even a little ?

You need to go see your Doctor, or therapist if you have one, I truely believe in my heart that you both want and need help with this.

I know exactly how difficult it is to open up and be able to talk to someone, in person, about my deepest thoughts. And I realise how much courage it takes. I often freeze up when trying to talk with the p/docs and therapists. And I feel a fool coz of it. So when I remember, or a friend reminds me, I write things down, and then just hand the piece of paper over.

Do you think maybe you could try and write or type how you are feeling, and show it to someone that would be able to give you the help you deserve and need - like your Doctor or Therapist (if you have one).

People arent cockroaches, some of us are actually quite nice.

Please take care

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Well obviously he is Social Darwinianist. Weed out the weak and make the human species stronger. It's hardly a new thing.

I mean, the Nazis wanted to kill anyone they saw as inferior and therefore poluting the gene pool. His beliefs are not that much different except that he believes the value of a life is it's use.

While a very 'practical' approach, nature would not disagree, but there are many ethical and moral objections.

There is survival of the fittest and natural selection, and then there is just killing people. Nature takes care of weeding out the weak all be herself. We do not need to speed it up any.

I think the eating dead people thing is what you should worry about. There are health issues with eating people, especially brains.

Also people into hardcore vore do not usually have a sexual component, but I think sometimes they do if I remember correctly. Sometimes research into your own 'disorders' will give you insight and through self-awarness you can help solve the problem. In this case, so you don't go around eating people.

From what I know of Vore, you probably just want to completely dominate and control people that piss you off. Cuase' like eating someone is the ultimate way. There are other reasons but this is probably the most likely.

Also, why kill yourself when your use is up? Why not do something more useful like give your body to be eaten in Africa or further society with your mind or make yourself fertilizer for crop fields? Seriously, with your beliefs just killing yourself in a room or somewhere like that is a waste of resources.

This is the best I could find on the subject in a short amount of time.

http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Vorarephilia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Necrophagy#As_a_human_behaviour

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannibalism

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SweetSue, that is a matter of chosen opinion/judgement :)

Obviously it fits Filum's picture, to 'make up' (judge) humans, life, his entire chosen view of everything. Perhaps it is this belittling perspective is what is behind your feelings Filum? I can appreciate how confusing that could be, and, how the need to 'make sense' could lead you to making everything up the way you have. And, since it seems to fit, how natural one could choose to believe that's exactly how it must be.

It fits, with this 'set-up,' that one would easily be pissed off, and angrily want to just kill off anything, everything, that interfers with keeping this sensibility intact.

Filum, my question was 'how do you want to 'feel' (specifically,)

Like, you say 'you want to die?' how come? can you explain how it is you are feeling, that you want to die, or conversely how, if you could wave a magic wand, how you 'want to feel?'

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SweetSue, that is a matter of chosen opinion/judgement :(

Hi Sissa, :o

Ooooppsss, yes I suppose it is - in a way, but I didnt mean to sound oppionated or judgemental.

I suppose its hard to find the right wording, especially as most of the time we have to rely on our skill of putting feelings/emotions into words. Its a learning in progress for me. :)

Take care :)

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I am not responding out of any judgement to the orginal poster... Just an opinion. Souds like he is extremely angry. Has some anger that has never been dealt with, could this be? Was it a difficult childhood? Someone hurt u? Something has happened to be so filled with hate. The last post was more of a rant then anything else. From the OP. Although I find his thoughts distrubing, it is still interesting. However, those thoughts are all over the board. And yes these are his own thoughts , as he points out he has never shared them . Feelings or thoughts no matter how morbid are just that.

And i do agree with Sue, he needs professional help. BUt, so much of the time he may think he is too right and the rest of us are wrong. But if he needs to seek some sort of validation or "support" he comes to a online community where he can remain invisable while sharing his inner most dark thoughts.

I actually am a little more surprised that their are not others who come on here with such feelings. I only skimmed through the OP's second post, but the picture is clear. Of course this person has more options then killing oneself. Now that sounds like he is afraid of his thoughts . I think there is a lot going on just below the surface of what this person is writing about. That is why seeking professional help would be a good starting point.

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At least you hit the nail, mscat.

I won't reply to the other posts, except Sue, because the longer I take to explain myself, the less coherent I become, and I start rehashing old things. Sue, a nice cockroach is still vermin.

I am extremely angry. And fearful. And, dare I say it, doubtful. I'm fine with cannibalism and the thought of killing all of humanity. Why I'm angry won't be clear to you because I can't express it in words, but imagine me thrashing around in a room, pounding on the walls, screaming and throwing things and pounding my temples with my fists. There's a window in the room, and right outside there's a girl talking into her cellphone. I'm yelling at her through the glass but she doesn't look up. She's talking but I can't hear anything and her lips are just moving randomly. That's my dealing with humanity. Endless cycle of rage and despair because they're vacant or so absorbed in things that don't matter, and my ideas are so foreign that no one publicly acknowledges them.

My childhood was lonely but fairly easy. No one hurt me. I hurt animals, and that tore me apart; that made me ashamed, that made me vomit in terror. I hurt dogs first, and I felt sick afterward. I always made it up to them. I was kind to them so they would forgive me. Then I hurt mice. I apologized to them, and then I hurt them, and then I killed them to end their suffering. I was kind to them too, very polite. I'm always polite with animals. I nod at birds as I walk past. Dogs and cats like me.

My hate is for myself. I don't hate cockroaches. I may rage at them, smash them under my boot, despise them. But they haven't wronged me personally. They're just..vermin. They're unnecessary. They're eating the food, fouling up the house.

I'm afraid that my motivations are wrong. I'm afraid that I've just made things up to rationalize my desire to kill and eat humans. I know that the world in my head exists, but at the same time, I'm afraid that no, there is no better place to escape to. It feels translucent. I'm not seeing it physically, not in the slightest, I don't walk out my door and see it in place of suburbia. I feel it, it's like a mist over and behind my eyes, and the problem is that I can tell the difference between it and the real world. And then I have a moment of clarity, and I know I'm on the right path, and my doubt disappears. And when it's gone, I wonder if it was ever there.

Right now, I believe in it fully.

Edited by Filum
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Guest ASchwartz

Filum,

Actually, you've got me worried about you. The reason is that it seems as though you could, perhaps, be in danger of hurting yourself or others.

Are you in psychotherapy or are you on medication?

Most important of all, are you in danger of hurting yourself or others? If so, you really must get yourself some help. What do you think about this?

Allan

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Filum,

One thing is that i hope expressing your darkest thoughts here will help you, help you to vent and not act upon your wishes . U srill nees professional help though, we can only so do much for you here. I thing fear is a good thing too, because that may stop you from acting out. I came from a very, very violent childhood. I have brothers who have done hideous things to others, all have drug or drinking problems too, and weapon charges. Me, i am a little different, the anger is turned towards myself , yet their was a time I was so angry that yes, i could of bee deemed as dangerous.

Anyway, the only way to feel better at this point is to really consider therapy and it is a real possibility u will beed medications to control any impulses and desire to act upon your thoughts. Some things that you wrote is a little shocking, and wonder if that is what you want is a reaction? Certainly I am in no agreement that it is ok for anyone to hurt animals and have these types of thoughts . You do know right from wrong? that really is not too hard to answer.

Really, I hope you do seek out professional help, you will feel better.

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Can't believe I didn't see it before, but a path opened up in front of me and I'm taking it. It took three hours of gnashing my teeth in front of this screen for it to come to me, but it came. The gods keep cutting me slack. I'll take this as evidence of their permission and never doubt myself so completely again.

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi Filum,

there's several mental problems that can make it difficult to socialise with people. And there's probably ressources available to help you understand people better, instead of turning your back on them. Do you think that might be worth trying?

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Can't believe I didn't see it before, but a path opened up in front of me and I'm taking it. It took three hours of gnashing my teeth in front of this screen for it to come to me, but it came. The gods keep cutting me slack. I'll take this as evidence of their permission and never doubt myself so completely again.

Care to expand sharingly on this Filum?

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Can't believe I didn't see it before, but a path opened up in front of me and I'm taking it. It took three hours of gnashing my teeth in front of this screen for it to come to me, but it came. The gods keep cutting me slack. I'll take this as evidence of their permission and never doubt myself so completely again.

Filum,

what path has opened up up in front of you? What came to you? Is this a really good thing for you? Something helpful?

I actually was thinking about you yesterday, and how u were doing. I hope that things will get better for you, and u can deal with your anger more aproiately.

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eating people who are already dead is acceptable in many remote parts of the world. As long as you don't eat the brains your okay.

Some believe after their loved ones pass away if they eat them... something about them staying with them or something i dont remember.

Anyway, he never said anything about killing them I think, he said eating them when they were dead and raw.

I was half tempted to give a link to a picture of someone eating someone, hell, might as well. =D

No... idk.

I got two pics from this one site. One of someone eating a dead fetus that is on a plate, and someone munching on a limb, anyone want to ?

These things are so fascinating.

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How's about 'tree hugging' as useful therapy to consider?

http://www.naturalnews.com/032782_tree_huggers_health.html

In a recently published book, Blinded by Science, (www.blindedbyscience.co.uk) the author Matthew Silverstone, proves scientifically that trees improve many health issues such as; mental illnesses, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), concentration levels, reaction times, depression and the ability to alleviate headaches

Perhaps the 'trigger' is activated, by learning to focus on 'loving' as in valuing?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dear gods, that was cryptic. I don't know what it meant myself now, though I'm sure it was evident at the time. I've taken herpetology back up, something I haven't dipped into in years. I've been obsessed with my tegu, giving him baths, trimming his toe nails, cleaning his cage, purifying his water, watching videos of tegus swimming and eating and hatching. I can't escape into videogames or books or myself, he's always on my mind! I'm going to see about taking him out to roam around the backyard tomorrow.

The rest was just a rough patch, I know you have them too.

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