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Afraid where my mind is leading me...


shanrucas
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Today I found myself pondering for the first time in years about my plan to leave this world. I know it is part of watching my mom go through what she is experiencing. I don't ever want to end up like that, especially when I have no one to express my wants. If I ever became ill like that I plan on doing something about it before it gets to the stage where my mom is. The family members I have left would just warehouse me in some sort of home or facility so there is no trust there. Today I found myself thinking what would I want to do if I found out I had some terminal illness. Then I found myself making a plan for my last ride on my horse, and how I would leave this world. Now I am frightened of the thoughts I had, I had it planned to the last detail. I am so tired of living moment by moment and then not knowing what will be left in the end.

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Oh shanrucas,

Im really sorry, hun, please try to not take this as personal. Even though it may feel that way. Posts get missed, crumbs I miss posts all the time, and I feel terrible about it - truely I do :o

Im sorry that you are hurting :o

Planning your final ride out for when the time comes - Ive been guilty of doing just that same thing for a while now - except that ofcourse, I already know when that time is going to be - strangely I was unusually effiecent for once. I know just how much it hurts, and Im sorry for your pain.

Please continue posting,

We are listening and we do care :)

Im sorry

Take care

Sue

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Im sorry I got a bit pissy there for a moment. Just overly sensitive and feeling alone is the world. My friends all have busy lives and only want to talk to the fun and happy me, but when I am down, I am abandoned.

I don't expect anyone to come up with any answers to my situation. It is what it is. Its just that I feel I am loosing myself and that there isn't going to be much left. I don't know how to carry on and keep mentally balanced anymore.. The only change that has occured is that mom needs are becoming more and more. I feel guilty when I get frustrated with it all and that I wish the ten years of suffering will come to an end and she and I will be free. Lately I feel if she won't let go and be free, maybe I need to. I just can't keep going on like this anymore, no and I mean no one wants to help. All suggestions have been put her in a nursing home and let the state take all the assets that are left. I have been out of work because of this so I don't know what will happen to me if this occurs, then I feel selfish for even thinking of that. I will be homeless for sure, I will have to give up the few things I have been able to hold on.....thats why I have been thinking of my "last ride". I just don't think I will be able to carry on and be whole ever again...just a shell of what I use to be.

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I'm sorry I didn't reply. :( In truth, sometimes I feel tired, can't find the words, and my emotional energy feels depleted, but I always care deeply. I am always listening.

I'm sorry you are feeling so alone and sad. :o Does your mother have any type of insurance that would help pay for in-home care? Even if it is only one day a week, it would give you a little rest. You need to take care of yourself and your own needs too, but I hear that you are "stuck" in this situation. :o

What can we do that might offer you some solace and comfort? How can we best support you in this?

Edited by IrmaJean
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Again I apologize for being so overly sensitive. I am no longer looking for answers for this situation as I have searched and searched. It all boils down to all assets being depleted for any assistance. I did check into insurance, the answer was no, they do not cover in home care at all. Dads retirement that is paying for house and help is almost gone, she has her own retirement that comes in small monthly payments..I had called them and found out that had we notified them first thing when she became disabled and needed help they would of increased her income to cover....but I found this out to late and now they won't. Its a popular retirement for school employees, firefighters and law enforcement among others...I quickly spread the word about this to those I knew that had this plan, they as well did not know this. Like I said I am no longer expecting a fix to this...I guess I had mostly scared myself yesterday with the thoughts that were going through my head to escape the pain, if she is going to hang on to this kind of life, I was beginning to think how I myself could be free from it.

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I thank eveyone for replying the best that they can. The truth is I am still having intrusive thoughts, in reality suicide ideation, nothing right away mind you so I hoping to keep it together till I go to the clinic next Monday. I have no idea what they can do for me, but at least its something. I am doing my best to stay out of the mental ward at the hospital. I know there were I couple of times i should of went but managed to pull it together. So I am still having those terrible thoughts, can't take the pain, or watching my mom slip away into a world where I can not reach her..yet she hangs on. This part of my life may last forever and I am not sure anymore if I can survive it. It would of help to have family come an sit with her to give me some fresh air...but that is out of the question and everyone else wants money to do it. I feel backed into a corner.

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Thanks Irma Jean, Im working on it..I see someone on Monday, hoping I can hold on that long. In the meantime a friend offered to come over in the afternoons a couple times a week four an hour so that I can take my dogs out on a long walk..they seem frustrated and depressed too, we all need to exercise. She doesn't even want me to pay her. I am hoping this will help. I am totally freaked out that I was having thoughts of suicide, I really don't want to end it all but sometimes it seems to get a big grip on me.

Thanks for listening..my goal at the moment is to make it through the week and the weekend.

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