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so many disorders, so little time


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I was looking through the forum topics and found that I should probably post to most of them. hehehe (i hate the lol thing). I was diagnosed ADHD around age 35, self diagnosed, then confirmed by a professional. I've always had major anxiety, due to many factors, which at this time I'm digging away to find. I've suffered from depression, addictions, emotional instability, I believe that I am possibly also bipolar, I'm am two distinct personalities. One of which loves to dress in lovely feminine things. I am an artist of many resources, that means I take shit and turn it in to cool shit. I love to write when inspired, I have a hard time with putting myself "out there", because I fear embarrasment of failure, yet I know my poetry is awesome, if only to me. I love myself when i'm not loathing me, I know that my creativeness is driven by my simple complexity. I'm easy to read, hard to figure out? My best friend calls me the "Enigma". That makes me happy to know that others see the riddle in me too! This is the way I ramble on from one topic to another. I see things inside of myself and others that most don't. I've been sheltered, yet have experienced more than most, good and bad. I am male, I am female, I am what I was designed to be. I am blessed and cursed, I love being and feeling, and seeing all side to 99% of all situations. Whether it be sexually, spiritually, politically, or whatever else may arise. I hate change, but I get bored with routine. I am indecisive, yet firm in my principles. I love music and lyrics, but can't play an instrument of sing. Words are my favorite and I believe only thing that I absolutely love to manipulate. I see hidden meanings in what people say, and lies in their truths. I've always had to figure things out on my own since I can remember. Observe, analyze, decode, and compute what people tell me. I believe that I have taught myself to be alone, yet appear social. I am self concious of me, yet have acted confident and cocky. Exactly what I needed everyone to see. But not what I wanted. A child, reacting to situations, pretending to be adult(by what I saw and heard adults do) taking it out of context and acting on instinct alone. Man, I sure fooled me didn't I! So here I am chaotically sharing what is in my head, exactly the way it delivers itself to me. I have the knowledge that I've collected over the years to help myself, and others avoid a lifetime wasted on guilt, doubt, deception, and self destructive behavior. I just need someone to help me bring order and organization to my thoughts and feelings. I have been wanting to put my writings from years of self therapy to good use. If anyone understands this flurry of thoughts and words, then you're probably as confused as I am.

I know that I am blessed, because I'm cursed to be me.

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