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Really not doing well.(trigger possibly)


Aurinko
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I need advice. Over the last days i have been getting increasingly anxious and more and more want to hurt myself. I'm not concerned that i would end my life. I wouldn't be able to. I started pinching myself on my arms, and the deeper harder i let my nails go, the better i feel...but only for that moment. 2 days ago, whilst chopping vegetables i started to imagine how it would feel to cut my finger 'by accident'. Not deep enough to do permanent damage, but enough to feel considerable pain for some days. I got as far as skimming the knife across the surface of my skin, but chickened out. Since then, i've started having these thoughts continually. It scares the s**t out of me. Sometimes when i walk on the street, i think how great it would be to get knocked down...not killed,or any injuries with lasting damage, but hurt, so that i could just be a normal person, in the hospital, who is injured, but safe. Have i totally lost it? Have any of you had similar kind of thoughts, and manage to snap out of it? I'm scared i'm losing the plot once and for all...:)

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Yeah, i do know. I'm at the start of recovering from 3, 4 yrs of an eating disorder. I've managed two weeks now with only one relapse of bingeing/purging. Because i am not using that method as a way to cope with my bad feelings and thoughts, than i have no other tools to do it with. I was sexually abused and raped between 10-13yrs of age by the big brother of a childhood friend. All these years (just turned 28) i've done a damn good job at keeping the memories in a box and packed away very deep down. Just over three weeks ago, i was visiting this friend in another country and on the last evening she told me that her little sister had recently told her about being abused by her brother, starting at the age of 6. Since then, no matter what i do, i can't help but think of it all and it causes me such self disgust, rage and deep hurt for my friends little sister. I have still not told my doctor, or psychiatric nurse about this, cos simply i'm scared to. I now know, that i'm going to have to. I'm getting scared that through my anxiety and self disgust i am really going to hurt myself badly.

Bizarrely i have also met an amazing man, someone who i've admired from far at my martial arts club for over a year. I haven't been there for many months and we literally bumped into each other on sunday. Something seriously magical happened between us. If sparks could have flown, i think they would have. Now, i am in such a dilemma. I've always managed to screw up all relationships and potential ones with my lack of self worth, and disgust of my body. I feel so sad that we had to 'meet' now. Me being how i am, no matter what i do, say, how i act, this one is condemned before its even started. It truly, truly saddens and distresses me. But, on the other hand, i know, in my heart, that once we would spend more time together, he would anyway come to his senses.

I feel like a lost cause.

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi Aurinko,

I think it's fine to just take this relationship slowly. It's great that you do so well recovering from the ED. Do you think it would help you to challenge your negative thoughts directy when they happen? Maybe you could try some CBT methods, that deal with questioning negative thoughts. I hope you find a healthy way to cope with this, I'm sorry it's so difficult at the moment.

You don't need a "real" injury to deserve help. I don't think your thoughts of wanting a physical injury are uncommon, but it depends on whether you feel at risk of putting them into action. Well, and you don't get to choose between your injuries really, you'd just have one more. I hope you can talk to your doctor about this. Take care.

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Thanks for commenting. I was having such severe anxiety over my thoughts and inner hatred that i scratched my arms to the point of bleeding. Thats when i phoned the emergency Psych. department and asked them can i come in. I went there scared out of my wits. A psychiatric nurse first interviewed me and than i waited around 2 hrs to see the doc. They were kind, yet proffesional and really wanted to help me. The doc was asking me all kind of odd questions.... like what street is the eating disorder clinic on, which building etc.i assume she was ruling out the possibility of me being in a psychosis. They really wanted to have me in for the night, because they were concerned at my level of anxiety and the possibility of me harming myself. In the end, after giving me a pill to chill me out, wait for it to have some affect, they let me go home, along with pills to help me sleep on the one condition, that, i come by every day until monday when i have my next appointment at the eating disorder unit, so they can keep tabs on me. They also said, that if i feel an urge to hurt myself, that i must come straight back. On chat forums, i've read lots and lots on psych.unit bashing in my country and the city i live in, but i have to say, they, were amazing towards me. Although i'm going through hell at the moment, i am sure,that given time, and lots of effort and talking, that i will get better.

Huh, sorry. This probably doesn't interest yous at all, but it just feels good to know that someone out there might read this, which means that someone is listening.

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Sorry, its been a while since i posted. Had a few good days inbetween the last post and now, today not being one of them. I binged and purged and harmed my body in a way that i shouldn't. My body has never done me wrong, and yet, i treat it with the utmost disrespect. I hate my breasts. Even calling them that makes me cringe. I really hurt them today. I started with scratching and then took a knife to them. Wow, i really am pathetic though... i only managed to do superficial wounds. In a way, i feel i would be better without them. My abuser payed special attention to them when they were growing... Oh god, i can't believe i have written this. I'm sorry. But in a way, writing it makes me feel sorry for them. The boobs i mean. Its a good thing to be feeling right now, so i don't go any further with the self harm... if i didn't acknowledge the fact that someday, possibly never though, they could give my child milk, then i'd want to cut them off. Oh my, i'm feeling bad. Am i a total nutcase?

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No, you are not a total ntucase...you're clearly just struggling right now, which is completely understandable. Your earlier post mentioned that you were asked to go back to the psych department if you had the urge to hurt yourself. I know it may be tough, but have you considered going back and letting them know what's going on? If you can't/don't want to do that, can you call a friend to come sit with you and give you some comfort and support while you are having a rough time?

Whatever you do, please take care of yourself.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Aurinko,

Welcome back.

No, you are not a "nut case." You are a survivor of abuse and, just like too many women, you hate your body.

I agree with Solistice, please protect and take care of yourself. If you are in danger of hurting yourself, please return to the psych department.

I also want to encourage you to stick with us. We care and want you and want you to know it.

Allan

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hi aurinko

i read your posts and cry for you. please dont ever let yourself think you are worthless or ugly. i too was abused around that same age by my step father and to this day no one close to me knows about it. keeping it a secret and feeeling dirty and used is the worst feeling a woman can feel besides unloved. so i am glad to hear you have a potential relationship at hand, but please take it slow and dont get too close too fast out of need for connection. trust me this does not work.. its so painful to read that you hate yourself so much some days. i hope you are getting the help you need aside from pills because ive seen how that can become another problem as far as wanting to use them to hurt yourself. i cut myself too sometimes. but the scars never last as long or go as deep as i need them too to remind myself that i am in control of my pain.

if you take anything away from me writing to you, i want you to tell yourself you are beautiful. because you are a woman. and you are filled with intense emotion that most people never get to experience. its so hard to show you over the internet and we are probably continents away but i give you a huge hug and tell you that you ARE BEAUTIFUL never hate yourself for being who you are. i empathize with you deeply and understand the pain and helplessness you must feel when you are hurting yourself. but when you look at yourself smile even if its difficult. i am a total stranger that sees beauty in you. please dont cut or scratch your sanctuary up. your body is only physical but nurturing it will nurture your soul.

much love stay well

marcy

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