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Suicidal Ideation, Or, The Back Door of the World


JaneE
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I've struggled with Suicidal thoughts ever since I can remember, and first tried to kill myself when I was 10. I took ten aspirin and sat in my Dad's chair, and waited for death to take me. Naturally it didn't so I went about with life.

There were more attempts in my late teens. My parents never knew about it somehow.

There was one when I was in the military, as I had broken up with a guy and felt no one would ever love me (this is another feeling I've struggled with all my life: feeling hated).

There was one in my first marriage when I hated my job so much but hubby wouldn't listen to me about wanting to quit.

There was one after my son was born, I thought for certain circumstances I won't discuss here that it'd be better if I left him with his dad and it'd be okay because he'd be too young to remember me.

That was the last one. After a certain point I think I became used to life, or at least understood that I was needed. My son was young, and very attached to me... I didn't feel suicidal even during my husband's horrific verbal and physical abuse of me during those years. Not that I wasn't sad, or afraid, or lonely. I was and am very isolated, my only friends are online, but they don't know everything about what I'm going through.

Now my son is growing up, and he's allying himself with his father. He doesn't do as I tell him unless I get really angry or do some big disciplinary thing. I can't just ask him to take a shower, or brush his teeth, without hearing "no!" Yes, yes, all a part of childhood, you say... but then his father is extra nice to him, and coddles him and acts like his best friend while I'm feeling hated by them both.

In short I'm beginning to wonder what I'm doing here. My work is not bringing in much money lately and I can't afford to move out. I've been selling all my posessions, and am nearly done there...

Now what? I am feeling the pull of "The Back Door of the World" again.

I'm completely alone. My family hates me because I messed up my life and got divorced 11 years ago...

My husband tells me I'm fake, that everything I say is a lie, that all my thoughts and feelings are "dishonest". I feel like I don't really exist to him, or to anyone here.

Gosh, if only I could get away from them!!!! Even if I was alone and lonely the rest of my life, could it be worse than the last 10 years of my life with him?

I love my present work; the idea of getting a job and dealing with the world on a daily business is truly scary to me (Avoidant Personality Disorder for the win!) I've never been able to keep jobs long in the past, I go goofy after awhile, I just can't take the rat race! I do better on my own.

I guess I could get one of those homeless shelter hotel room type of things...

Right now I have an apparently respectable middle class life in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Bills are paid and I'm living life on my own terms...

except for that everyone hates me. I'm tired of people and the world. I'm tired of being hated, of being told how ridiculous I am.

Heh! I know this is very TL;DR, sorry!!! I don't know why I post it. Just a breadcrumb on the water, I guess. I often read such messages of pain and despair here and have no idea what to say. What right do I have to complain here to you guys? I hope you can forgive me this once!! ^^:; I'm never forgiven by anyone in my own life. I don't know why I always end up in this place. Sometimes I feel like suicide is my destiny. I don't really WANT to die....! I want to be happy, but I've never been happy. I wanted to be loved but I'm not lovable. I messed up my life... so what lots of people have done it? Why is it only me who's not forgiven? Argh, just at wit's end today!!!

Thank you for this place!

Jane

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I am sorry for what you are feeling and going through. I also went through a very abusive marriage physically & mentally. I did leave after one thing he did and the tragedy of it all is I didn't want to go on either. For some reason I knew finally that there was something out there that would make my life a even a little more stable. I am not saying that I'm not going through hell with my life now but, if you don't get out & get your son away either of you won't remain as close as you once were. He is letting his father [which it is not your son's fault] dictate him so it wll make it look like it's all your fault.

I know what it feels like to not have family or friends around I'm not even on here that much even though I have met some wonderful people. I would love to get away from this world because there is to much cruelty. Are you in therapy? Are you having a suicidal thoughts or is it because also which I damn well don't blame you at the end of your ropes & say hey what the hell can I do!! It is very diffucult to leave where the money is not there but can you go to a womens shelter or hotel thing where you talked about?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi JaneE,

This is terrible for you. Do you remember why you felt so suicidal as a ten year old? I know that happens and it's a terrible thing. I wish you knew that you are important in this world. That is something you must come to yourself and, maybe, through psychotherapy.

I know this for sure, one hundred percent sure, it's that, whenever any of us say, "they all hate me," it's just not true. As a parent(my kids are grown)your son't allying himself with his father is just a normal part of his development. If you think that you are not important to him, you need to rethink. In fact, he needs you now more than ever. He may be allying himself with his father but you remain his mother and always, always, the most crucial person in his life. A mother is the most vital relationship in life. This is fact and you really must understand that. He needs you. Physical distance does not mean emotional distance.

Can you say more about your husband??

Allan

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Hello, Jane,

First of all: There is nothing to forgive you!!! You don't have to apologize at all! I'm happy you posted this; it's very important to express your feelings and to be heard and understood. And liked. We like you and accept you and you don't seem ridiculous, bad or unlovable to us. I know you need somebody in person, in your everyday life to love you and we can't really replace them to you, but I'm sure you could get an important support and feedback in this community. Just be with us, don't blame yourself and keep posting.

I'm very sorry about how you feel and how people have treated you all your life :). Have you ever tried therapy? Can you afford it (financially)?

I agree with Allan also about your son: It's very sad that his dad manipulates him this way, but he still needs and loves you. I hope he'll realize it soon, too...

Hugs and best wishes,

L.

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  • 2 months later...
Hi JaneE,

This is terrible for you. Do you remember why you felt so suicidal as a ten year old? I know that happens and it's a terrible thing. I wish you knew that you are important in this world. That is something you must come to yourself and, maybe, through psychotherapy.

I know this for sure, one hundred percent sure, it's that, whenever any of us say, "they all hate me," it's just not true. As a parent(my kids are grown)your son't allying himself with his father is just a normal part of his development. If you think that you are not important to him, you need to rethink. In fact, he needs you now more than ever. He may be allying himself with his father but you remain his mother and always, always, the most crucial person in his life. A mother is the most vital relationship in life. This is fact and you really must understand that. He needs you. Physical distance does not mean emotional distance.

Can you say more about your husband??

Allan

Thank you for saying all this, and I'm sorry to have been away for so long.

Why was I suicidal at ten? I don't really remember specifically. Looking back now I think it was a general sense of not measuring up. I did very poorly in school and had teachers who would torment me. I remember to this day. But this was when I was younger, in first grade. I don't think I had this problem at ten. Back then you could get away with being a space case and never doing any work. In 4th grade I had to sit at the "bad kid" table with the disruptive boys, but I wasn't disruptive, I was more the type to be reading a book under my desk rather than attending to whatever the teacher was saying. I think I was undiagnosed ADD (pi). And we all know where that leads!!! Low self-esteem, which makes one unhappy. I think it was just that.

The allying himself with his father thing is very hard for me, because his father is very dismissive of me, and he treats me exactly as his father does. I don't let him get away with it, I address it when he does this, and sometimes he apologizes, but there is so much conflict in our family and I think he identifies with his father and empathizes with him more, where I am perplexing and probably just scary.

The other day during a fight he sobbed "I just want you two to break up". I feel as if perhaps it's time for me to go. Hubby doesn't want me to go, though.

Hubby... oh boy I don't know where to start on him. He's such a well-liked guy that people wonder what he ever saw in me. Do you know any couples like that? Well maybe that guy isn't so nice to his wife and that's why she's an upleasant wreck. lol

He and I are just too different. He's huge and strong and nothing bothers him. I can't keep up with him and feel unequal and inadequate. He's not very understanding of me, and my weakness and sensitivity. Yes it's true I'm not normal (diagnosed Avoidant Personality Disorder etc), but I don't torment my family when they're hurt or sick. I hurt my legs recently on a too-difficult hike and they both made fun of me and shoved me around and my husband even pretended like he was going to hit me on the leg. I was in SO MUCH PAIN and could hardly walk, yet they scoff and tell me I'm "ridiculous" and lazy. I just don't think there's any reason for that kind of behavior.

See I'm getting into "they" mode. Not helpful!!! My son later apologized. I hope he meant it. I've always tried to instill the concept of empathy in him, as I don't think his father truly has it. He is in his late 50s and was raised by Christian fundies and tend toward the patriarchal and all that "weak = girly" stuff.

Anyway... we've been together 11 years. The kid doesn't need/want me any more so I should leave. I struggle with suicidal ideation because I'm afraid I can't make it on my own, and will end up homeless or something. The world doesn't need another mentally ill loser. Heh! ^^:; But even if they "hate" me I know my death would be a huge trauma for them both and I don't think I could do that to someone.

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