shanrucas Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 I am so tired but, I am going to fight harder than ever to make it through the madness...I am so fired up now and I don't know why, just am...I have continued to hold tightly onto my dreams and actually managed to hold on to one..that is my horses and dogs who are so true to nature. I am holding and fighting to keep that in my life. If I can't, I am sure no matter what I will find something else to fight for. It is my nature. I was feeling so sorry for myself about being lonely and trapped, I am done with that. Life is just to damn to short for that. I going to rid myself of loneliness and walk alone! I have before I can again. It is no use to find anyone to understand me for who I am. I have my faults and I do my best to learn from them...but I refuse to hurt any longer. Even though I am mostly trapped in this house taking care of my mother who may out live me, I am determined to grab what life I can and when I can. I know I will have more crashes ahead of me..nothing new. I will keep fighting..not going down without a fight! I have done and survived so many things this life has handed me to the extent of not getting killed by someone who claimed to love me..did that stop me from loving again..no...but still I get hurt..I don't mind it is part of life.I am no longer going to let the fact of bipolor/PTSD be a focus of my life..if I sound mad..well I am a bit:mad:. I have been to doctor after doctor..med after med..In the past there was combination of meds that helped..but I am done...medication is not working for me anylonger..I feel I will be better off without. I am going to be me. I will live life for every moment it gives me! If it means living it on my own, so be it. I have already done it for so long, to the end is no longer a big deal.I WILL SURVIVE!! DESPITE ALL THE WALLS IN FRONT OF ME! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leo1954 Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 I just want to let you know I think you are feeling like you have had enough. You want to find a life like me that is out there. You love your mom of course I wish you so much luck I right now am even worse than I was before. I am very HAPPY FOR YOU! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted June 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 Hi Leo, I don't necessarily think I am in a "happy" place, but more of a "had it" place. My emotions right now include frustration, anxiety, and anger. You were right when you said it sounds like I had enough, for I have. Learning that I can't depend on others, just myself. I want to stand on the mountain and just scream at the world. I am tired of being misunderstood as the person I am, my soul and heart are damaged but not broken!!!!I am sorry to hear that things have gotten worse and you are finding yourself in a bad place....stand on the mountain and scream with me. Take care of yourself Leo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weezie Posted June 30, 2011 Report Share Posted June 30, 2011 I am glad that you are mad and ready to fight. I am glad that you are going to grab every opportunity to live. I think that both of those things are positive. I am sorry that you feel misunderstood. That can suck and it has happened to me many times. I am not sure about going without meds....that to me would be too scary. I am afraid I wouldn't survive very long. I am fighting to survive right now WITH the meds. Hugs. Hang in there. W Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted June 30, 2011 Report Share Posted June 30, 2011 Shanrucas,I love the tone, spirit and determination your message. Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted June 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2011 Thanks W., I was still in a very angry and a hell with it attitude when I mentioned going without the drugs.I did take the first step in taking care of myself...I went to a clinic that is just now providing pyschiatric services..I CAN afford this..My first appt. today was almost 4 hours long! The cost due to my lack of income is only going to be $15.00 a visit, which is usually an hour...I was paying $185 for 15 min. with pdoc. The psych nurse went over my ENTIRE history to the present. after all said and done she set me up for another appt. next month..and also an appt with a therapist. She said it sounds like my PTSD more then anything that is getting to me, also that a maybe suffering from something caregivers get..compassionate fatique...more labels..oh well at least there are answers on the horizon...Also going to wean me off the Lithium and see how I do with just the Lamictal..YAY! I looked up compassionate fatique..symptoms simiular to PTSD..talk about a double whammy:eek:..no wonder my behavior has been a bit off the wall.So don't worry, not just quitting meds cold turkey...but I was close to it. Thank you W. for you concern. "I AM TAKING CONTROL OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 30, 2011 Report Share Posted June 30, 2011 Great job! Your fighting spirit is strong. I wish you well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted June 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2011 Thanks Irma..Im doing the best as I can, and Allan your words of encouragement mean a lot to me. I think life is to short for dog paddleing in dark infested waters in which I was calling home. Just watching mom go so slowly and loosing my father so quickly when he just retired where he and my mom should be alive and enjoying life in their golden years. I remember my mom telling me after my dad died...Go and live now..don't just save up for later...later may never happen.Thank you for your encouragement...I know there are times when I may slip..but I am going to get right back up. I have done this for many years I can keep on doing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted July 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 First half way decent day after being constantly clobbered from all directions from the outside world. Everyone off to do the family 4th of July thing...hoping to have quiet seclusion in my own private world, to get some decent rest. Thats the plan anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted July 2, 2011 Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 Hope that you manage to have the restful day and time to yourself, so you can chill out and recharge I admire your fighting spirit, and truely wish you all the best Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted July 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2011 Thanks Sue....I am doing my best to keep my fighting spirit alive...its very difficult at times, today its one of those hard times...feelings of hurt are surfacing, past, present...and a fear of future. It makes me feel extremely vulnerable and I hate feeling that worst the the hurt sometimes. I am going to keep as positive as I possible can, cause I now realize if a get back into a dark and negitive mood I tend to strike out at even those who mean well in my life just out of misunderstandings and moments of being incoherant mentally. Its like the world turns and I see things from a negitive perspective. So I am doing what I can not to go there. Mostly this weekend to protect myself from the "outside" world, not answering the phone or anything like for risk of getting clobbered like I was being while out and about the human race. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted July 3, 2011 Report Share Posted July 3, 2011 Hi shanrucas I try to be possitive too, its just extremely difficult to keep it up consistantly. Especially when old memories resurface and life in general is trying its damndest to push you down. I'm sorry you feel you want to shut the outside world out, I can understand, just wish you didnt feel that way - it hurts and is such a lonely situation to place yorself in. Sometimes a little solitude does ya good though, just be careful not to shut the outside world out for too long. Coz like me, the longer you shut it out, the harder it is to return to it. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted July 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2011 Thank you for your words of wisdome Sue...I will do my best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted July 3, 2011 Report Share Posted July 3, 2011 ...I will do my best. Thats all any of us can do, try our best...... and then keep on trying Its not easy and there is bound to be harder days than others, guess the real challenge is not giving up, which at times is easier said than done !!! Wish you the best of luck, in keeping your fighting spirit going Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 3, 2011 Report Share Posted July 3, 2011 I wanted to say hello. I'm sorry you have been feeling so vulnerable today. Have you tried offering yourself some gentle support and compassion during these moments? I hope you are able to relax and energize your fighting spirit, shanrucus. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted July 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2011 Hi Irma, like I told Sue I am doing the best I know how...today has been a real kicker thats for sure. Memories resurfacing non stop..don't know for sure what the catalyst was. I was taken back by a bolt of lightening a thought of a friend who had passed on tragically many many years ago..I felt guilt as I had stopped remembering him so much and it was like he shot me a jolt to say please don't forget me. I realize I have not given myself the proper time to mourn him back then, I was in shock and anger all kinds of emotions, but I did not mourn or given myself time to grieve over it...I went straight it self destructive mode back then..and now here I am.So today between doing my duties I have been needing to sleep. In fact I just woke up again. This still is waying heavy on my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 4, 2011 Report Share Posted July 4, 2011 I can relate to those kinds of fears. I think part of my being stuck in grief was due to a fear that letting go would then allow me to forget about that person. A frightening and painful thought...I'm sorry that you lost a friend. One thing that really helps me is to know that I remain connected with my loved ones always. I like to think that those whom I have loved have left their fingerprints on my heart. It's the very place where I have loved and remain connected with them. And though you may not think of your friend often any longer, all that you learned and grew from within your friendship is with you now. You honor your friend by moving forward and living your life. It can take some time to find a place of serenity. Would it help to talk more about your feelings? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted July 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2011 Hi Irma, just wanted to let you know that experience of suddenly having that friend enter into my like that wasn't so triggering as it was like someone turned on a switch. I know some people may not believe in signs or metaphysical stuff but thats what the experience was for me. I am at peace with and realize what I must do, which is acknowledge his existance and mourn him as I should. There is a bit of sorrow, but at the same time peace. I wrote a tribute to him so he knows I have not forgotten him and that I know he will be near in some form or another. I plan on taking a white rose to his grave as it was something I did for along time back then...which is interesting cause I have perfect white roses in bloom outside now.The tragic loss at first was traumatizing, but now I feel I can acknowledge the actual pain of it all without the orginal emotions I had. It was like he told me he is at peace and all is ok........Does this sound silly and or make sense?Anyway,thank you for your concern.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 5, 2011 Report Share Posted July 5, 2011 The tragic loss at first was traumatizing, but now I feel I can acknowledge the actual pain of it all without the orginal emotions I had. It was like he told me he is at peace and all is ok........Does this sound silly and or make sense?It doesn't sound silly. I can understand and relate to that. Grief can produce some erratic and overwhelming emotions at times and all of us handle it differently. I think what is important is to find your own path to peace and serenity. I'm glad that is happening for you now. Take gentle care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hatemeds Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 If theres one thing ive learnt about grief is that we all have different coping mechanisms and at the enda the day we gotta do whats best for us. There's no fixed template on grievin - its a journey thats painful and erratic but one thats pretty unavoidable no matter the style.**** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 Well said, hatemeds.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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