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dredg86
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So, I'm new here and restricted to this area. But since I am not sure what I am supposed to tell you about me, I will just post what was supposed to be posted in the "Small Penis Syndrome" section.

I’m 25. For five/six years now I’ve been alone. No girlfriend, no One Night Stands, no kissing or anything of that kind. My last girfriend dunped me after we had had sex twice – BUT she gave me no reason why she left me back then. In the last 4 years I have more and more become obsessed with the idea that she left me because my penis is too small. This thought is stuck in my head and there are days on which I don’t think about anything else. This thought managed to keep me from flirting with women and going out with women etc. I’m afraid of being rejected again for physical reasons.

A few weeks ago, friends of mine encouraged me to go out and get to know girls etc. This was a huge problem for me, but after a while i thought: “I have to give it a try!” So after a party at the university I went home with a student who had picked me up and I felt really good about it – before we went home we had a pretty interesting conversation, since we both study the same/similar subjects. Anyway, when we arrived at her place things heated up pretty fast and we had sex. She did not seem pleasured during sex at all and in fact, afterwards, she told me that the sex, except for the foreply, that is when i licked her, had been completely boring and that she could not feel anything due to the fact that my penis is just too thin.

So, home I went! Fortunately, I have not seen the girl since that night. I think I would really want the ground to swallow me up when this happens!

Since then, as you can imagine, I did not try to pick up or be picked up again.

But six weeks ago I got to know a really, really nice girl. We’ve met several times, went out drinking with friends etc. and I can really say that she is really into me and I’m really into her. So far so good.

But now my brain comes into play. I really like that girl and I would love to have a serious relationship with her. But we did not have sex yet. And the mere thought of it kills me! I do not think that I can stand a comment like the one I mentioned above again. I really don’t know what to do. I am (again) about to destroy everything before it even started....only because of a physical feature I did not choose and that I cannot change.

I am not sure whether I am in the right forum, but I’ve read nearly all posts over the last days and I identified with the “obsession, self-hatred” etc. so I thought I just give it a try and post my concerns.

I would really like to hear what you would do in my situation because I think there are some really nice, intelligent and reasonable users on this forum.

P.S.: excuse my English....I’m not a native speaker

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Hey Dredg,

Welcome to the forum. I couldn't tell English wasn't your first language, I'd say from reading your post that your comprehension of grammar and colloquialisms is excellent.

I'm not sure what to say to you about your situation. I really can't say what the right thing to do is...I've been trying to empathize and I'm not even sure what I would do.

I do feel it's important that you not seclude yourself socially, especially from women. There seems to be a trend with SPS sufferers that once that trend starts it's hard to stop. I'm sure you understand that from your past several years.

I'm happy to hear you found a woman you can relate to, that is a difficult thing for anybody to find, regardless of their physical attributes. I'd say the top priority is not to push her away...like you said, don't destroy it before it starts.

If she is long-term material she shouldn't mind waiting to have sex. Once you two have bonded emotionally I think the obstacles with your size will be easier to overcome. Love brings compassion, understanding, honesty, and the genuine mutual desire to make the other happy. Emotionally, she'll be sensitive to you and have a desire to make you feel happy, comfortable around her. Physically she will be more sensitive to your touch because of your shared bond.

I can foresee that there will be a point at which your delaying sexual contact with will be interpreted as a lack of attraction to her. Maybe that will be the time to talk with her about your problem, letting her know how you feel about her, first of all, and yourself...the problem we all share.

Or maybe you don't say anything about it...maybe she cares so much for you by then she doesn't notice, doesn't care because the emotional bond you share is what makes your lovemaking great.

In my experience, the casual references made by women I cared about comparing me to past lovers are the most damaging...that's why I suggested you might advise her that you are quite self conscious about it.

There are plenty of ways to serve sexual gratification to women on a silver platter without using your penis. I had many women I only rarely used my penis on, and most of them expressed or implied I was the best lover they ever had. My sexual gratification was very low, and emotionally I felt a little empty since it was all tongue, hands, and toys...not quite the same as coitus. But that emotional emptiness may have also been caused by so much sexual contact with women I had no emotional connection with. Hard to say. It's all very confusing, frustrating, and painful.

Keep us updated on your thoughts, choices, and experiences.

Your friend,

MG

Edited by Mardi Gras
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dredg86,

I am so sorry that someone actually told you that. I could never imagine being so rude to someone that I had chosen to have sex with. Some people just have absolutely no sense of empathy towards others. However, just as they tell women all the time, you can't generalize all women from that at all. And, Mardi is right that this is less prone to happen when you begin an actual relationship with intense feelings toward one another, because you already care for the person. Also, more women need to realize that "small" penises are not really a roadblock at all. It only calls for a slight adjustment in some positions and you can get the same feeling as you can from larger penises. One more thing as well, the vagina is also a muscle, so she may for awhile be adapted to something larger if that is what she had. If a woman ever tells you that she can't feel it, because your penis is too thin, maybe you should tell her that her vagina is just too large and she should do some more Kegels.

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Hallo Mardi Gras, Hallo Loneone

first of all: thank you so much for your long, emphatic and thoughtful replies. This is all really helpful. It is good to read this because even though I somehow already know everything you write it is hard to believe my own thoughts. Do you know what I mean? I came across this phenomenon in most posts here. Most of the users here seem to know right from wrong, myth from fact….but it’s our heads that get in the way. And it is always the same kind of negative thinking that from the very beginning destroys everything that could supposedly be good.

I keep reading posts in this area of the forum and it somehow makes me sad that this topic is somehow not part of public discourse – it appears to be a fact that society blanks certain thing out because it is more convenient not to deal with them at all.

I look around and see how easy most people get to know girls because they feel confident etc. Then I look at my own experience and feel bad. People may say that one should not give too much credit to the judgments of two or three women. BUT those judgments are so very personal….they criticize something I cannot change and which society and medicine will not perceive as a problem. Small breasts cause no problem for sexual intercourse…yet medicine has managed to find ways to make them bigger….it has found ways to fix all kinds of “problems”…but we still are not able to fix the problem of so many men….instead we are told that we have a psychological problem….”it’s in your head…” Yeah, nice thought BUT if it was just in my head then why did some women actually call it a “physical problem”?

And yes, you are both right, if one is lucky enough to find someone he really connects with, things are definitely different. But having this “problem” most of the time keeps me getting to know girls in the first place….

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... It is good to read this because even though I somehow already know everything you write it is hard to believe my own thoughts. Do you know what I mean?

I know exactly, precisely what you mean.

For my all-male coworkers I have de-bunked myths, explained the whys and hows of female anatomy, what average is, how it doesn't matter physically or emotionally...all quite convincingly. They take my word on it as an authority because of my lifestyle... From virgins to the experienced, they come to me for advice in sex and love. w-t-f.

How little they know about me...about my own truth. If only I could convince myself.

...Most of the users here seem to know right from wrong, myth from fact….but it’s our heads that get in the way. And it is always the same kind of negative thinking that from the very beginning destroys everything that could supposedly be good...

Agreed.

...instead we are told that we have a psychological problem….”it’s in your head…”

If your previous statement is true, isn't it in our heads then?

...Yeah, nice thought BUT if it was just in my head then why did some women actually call it a “physical problem”?

Then that must be their physical problem...like Loneone said. I wish I had quipped back to all the woman that disparaged me that they were just loose, and to do their damn kagels.

And yes, you are both right, if one is lucky enough to find someone he really connects with, things are definitely different. But having this “problem” most of the time keeps me getting to know girls in the first place….

But not this time. Keep up the good work with her.

I keep reading posts in this area of the forum and it somehow makes me sad that this topic is somehow not part of public discourse – it appears to be a fact that society blanks certain thing out because it is more convenient not to deal with them at all.

I think society is having a lot of fun and making a lot of money at our expense. Those with the shame can cover it up with clothing and pretend to be normal. One day I dream a movement will start to squash this horrible self-induced affliction, that something is wrong with half of the men in society. This "Bigger is Better" innuendo used to sell cars and cellphone plans that teaches us we are unfit, reminds us to feel wrong about something that shouldn't be... it needs to stop on a huge level.

BUT those judgments are so very personal….they criticize something I cannot change and which society and medicine will not perceive as a problem.

Because there's nothing that can be done. Not yet anyway. And besides...it's not a real problem anyway, right? Because god or evolution, whichever you prefer, would have fixed it by now.

I hope we are past this as a culture before modern science has a way to make our penises as large as we want.

I wonder how many self immolations in the name of SPS it would take.

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Dredg, one thing you might try to do that I always did. Stop looking at every date as something that is going to (or has to) end in sex. When I dated I alway started with the sure knowledge that nothing was going to happen. You have half the decision making in whether sex happens.

You might feel inferior to other guys if you suffer from SPS, but that's with your pants down. When you're first starting out, before you become intimate you are the same as any other man she has ever dated. And if you know for a fact nothing is going to happen, it takes the pressure off to 'talk her' into something. You can be yourself, easy, confident. You can actually listen to what she's telling you instead of figuring out what your next move is on the sexual chess board.

Take her home, maybe a little kiss goodnight and turn and walk away. Don't look back at her. You'll pique her interest, she'll think there goes a calm, confident guy that actually listened to what I had to say instead of trying to talk me into bed. Or there was absolutely nothing there anyway. Nothing lost.

At any rate if nothing more happens, then it was just a date, right? Not a chance to loose more self respect or be told something to reinforce your SPS.

Please keep up the good work with this girl. You two sound like good folks.

John

Edited by retr0john
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If your previous statement is true, isn't it in our heads then?

Then that must be their physical problem...like Loneone said. I wish I had quipped back to all the woman that disparaged me that they were just loose, and to do their damn kagels.

I completely agree with that. I think what is important is that two people fit...they just have to match. And if they don't they will find ways to make up for it if they really love each other. But today's discourse seems to just emphasize the size of male genitalia...

I think society is having a lot of fun and making a lot of money at our expense. Those with the shame can cover it up with clothing and pretend to be normal. One day I dream a movement will start to squash this horrible self-induced affliction, that something is wrong with half of the men in society. This "Bigger is Better" innuendo used to sell cars and cellphone plans that teaches us we are unfit, reminds us to feel wrong about something that shouldn't be... it needs to stop on a huge level.

word.

Because there's nothing that can be done. Not yet anyway. And besides...it's not a real problem anyway, right? Because god or evolution, whichever you prefer, would have fixed it by now.

I hope we are past this as a culture before modern science has a way to make our penises as large as we want.

One the one hand I think it would really help many men if they were able to do something. On the other hand: if men were able to choose their size.....I'm not sure about how things would turn out in the end. But most likely: extreme.

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More power to you for being able to date and have sex in the 1st place. I wish you all the best of luck in overcoming this. From my understanding, women will generally be ok with girth or circumference that is 4.5 inches around or above, 4.5 inches being the low end of average.

As my circumference is only 4 inches around, my situation is different. The reality is, many many men who think they are small fall within the average ranges of girth and length. For those of you in that position, I wish you the best of luck overcoming this situation. Apparently there are many loose women out there who would even seem loose to average or large men.

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@retrOjohn

Sorry, I had not seen your post! You give some good advice there! I think what you write can be seen a general advice for everyone on this board.

But then again, most guys are here because they have received some sort of critique….something physical and personal that shattered our self-confidence. In the past, I have kept up the “good work”. I got to know a girl, we went out several times, no sex etc. But still, there were moments such as the one I described in my original post. Then, most of the time the general advice is: The girl wasn’t worth it anyway…she was cruel etc. But even though there might be some truth to that, I’d say that in part this is a lie – if she was cruel or anything like this I would not have wanted to get to know her etc.

@ Recluse

I am not really able to have sex. Like I said….2 or 3 times, each time a disappointment. I would not call this a “sex life”….

But thanks for wishing me luck! I’ve read many of your posts on here. And I hope there will be some change for you and your situation. Reading your post was one of the reasons I criticized the fact that this issue is absolutely not a part of society’s general discourse. It’s a shame!

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Hey Dredg,

I understand what you mean about 3 times and not having it work out isn't much of a sex life. Is prostitution legal where you live? That might be an option to get a bit more confident.

It is unfortunate how there is no discourse about this in society regarding people in our situation. It is almost as if we are in a state where we don't know whether it is or is not possible to lead normal and fulfilling lives with this situation that we are in.

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Hey Dredg,

I understand what you mean about 3 times and not having it work out isn't much of a sex life. Is prostitution legal where you live? That might be an option to get a bit more confident.

Prostitution is is legal. But I have to say that this is somehow not my thing....But still, thanks for the suggestion...

It is unfortunate how there is no discourse about this in society regarding people in our situation. It is almost as if we are in a state where we don't know whether it is or is not possible to lead normal and fulfilling lives with this situation that we are in.

yes!

And @ Vinwalt: shame is indeed extremely painful. And I have no idea how to overcome this emotion. The shame for somthing I have not chosen and that I cannot change.

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My new plan of attack for social interaction is shaping upto be one of enjoyment for myself with little or no consideration for the enjoyment of the womenI choose to be with. In little more than a month being back in the single life, I am amazed at the number of nice looking women who are willing to overlook nearly all of a guy's handicaps if it means that they won't have to foot the bill for entertainment, meals or temporary housing.

Although it seems that the "big" guys are still much in demand, many don't seem to be employed and usually are getting with "their" women for the sex and the hopes that they will be willing to pay for everything.

Since I am no longer interested in ANY long term relationships, (been there/done that), I'm enjoying life far better than i was when I could never seem to figure out just what was wrong between my former spouse and myself.

Those of you who share the "handicap" need to just come to the realization that there's nothing you can do to change your physical make up, but use what you have to YOUR advantage and fullfilment.:cool:

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Notdoneyet, please if it's not too personal.......when did you realize your marriage was over? Was your divorce with your wife mutually agreed upon, or did it come as a suprise to one of you? I find your situation very interesting. I'll send you a private message if you'd rather not discuss this here.

John

EDIT: Yeah, one of the wifes well endowed exes is minumaly employed, lives in a small rental trailer. Drives an old beat-up pickup. But ya know what? He's a happy man. No house payment, has what he wants and never sleeps alone (unless he wants to). Sounds like he's got nothing, but he's great in bed and 'had' quite a large number of the ladies in the county.......

Edited by retr0john
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Guest ASchwartz

Gentlemen,

It seems to me that when having sex it's important to please yourself first and then your partner. It's supposed to be a two way thing and she is supposed to please you just as much you her.

Also, aren't there always some guys who are going to be bigger, no matter who you are?

What do you guys think?

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I can only speak for me and my situation.

Gentlemen, It seems to me that when having sex it's important to please yourself first and then your partner. It's supposed to be a two way thing and she is supposed to please you just as much you her.

Not everytime. Not hundreds of times over the years. Yes there were those special occasions when the night was just for me. They were mind blowing for me, and I loved her for them. But every once in a while they're supposed to be just for her. I would have settled for her to orgasm every 20th time.........hell every 50th would have been more than happened. Every.......single........time........ can't be me (or both of us) worrying about just my pleasure.

Also, aren't there always some guys who are going to be bigger, no matter who you are?

What do you guys think?

Bigger, just bigger doesn't concern me at all. BETTER.... now that's where I have my problems. I want to be her best. Just her, not 20 other ladies. Never wanted to be a local stud. One in all the millions of women in the world. And I'll never have even that ones title of 'Best'.

Honestly, if I was hugely endowed and I found out she'd orgasmed with a bunch of smaller sized guys and not with me I'd be just as unhappy with my size. Either way, it'd be the same situation I'm in right now.

John

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John, I guess it was "over" for all practical purposes about ten years ago. I'm not sure when she started straying since they both denied it all until I was able to catch them in the act. I also don't know if there were others and since I no longer interact with either of them, I doubt that I will ever know.

About ten years ago, various excuses started materializing for us to not have any sex and things dwindled from three or four times per week to once per week to eventually less than twice a month. Once the children were grown and gone, it was seldom more than once per month.

She ended up with the house and newer car, and I ended up with half of my pension and my suit case.

I'm still better off than I was with the misery of sharing a roof with her.

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John, I guess it was "over" for all practical purposes about ten years ago. I'm not sure when she started straying since they both denied it all until I was able to catch them in the act. I also don't know if there were others and since I no longer interact with either of them, I doubt that I will ever know.

About ten years ago, various excuses started materializing for us to not have any sex and things dwindled from three or four times per week to once per week to eventually less than twice a month. Once the children were grown and gone, it was seldom more than once per month.

She ended up with the house and newer car, and I ended up with half of my pension and my suit case.

I'm still better off than I was with the misery of sharing a roof with her.

Extremely interesting. When the sex started tapering off did she ever express any concerns, or do you think she was already straying at that point?

Or perhaps she wasn't cheating yet, but was relieved your sex life was dwindling down?

Once again, if I'm being too personal just tell me. You're the voice of experience for me. I see many simalarities in my situation, but a lot of differences too. I'm trying to figure out where I'm heading through you.

Thanks!

John

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My husband suffers from insecurities about his size as well. I never realized how many other men have the same thoughts.

There are so many men suffering.....

But in our society - even if many things have indeed changed when it comes to social roles etc. - a suffering or insecure etc. man is not perceived as a real man by both men and women.

And as we said in some of lasts posts: the issue is just not present in public discourse. Thus, most men deal with the problem on their own, which is - most of the time - not a really good idea.

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Extremely interesting. When the sex started tapering off did she ever express any concerns, or do you think she was already straying at that point?

Or perhaps she wasn't cheating yet, but was relieved your sex life was dwindling down?

Once again, if I'm being too personal just tell me. You're the voice of experience for me. I see many simalarities in my situation, but a lot of differences too. I'm trying to figure out where I'm heading through you.

Thanks!

John

Please don't try to use my issues with any you may be having with your SO. All individuals are just that and nearly never the same. I'm fairly certain that the cheating had been going on for quite some time. In fact, I considered finding a way to have paternity tests run on the children, but decided I really didn't wish to know.

In any event, it's all water over the dam and I have no intentions in dwelling on it in the short period of time I have left.

I prefer to get whatever I can out of life and don't intend to drag anybody else into a permanent relationship.

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