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Battling Anxiety. (!) Possible Triggers.


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Anxiety isn't something new to me. I have dealt with it on and off for many years. My first experiences with it were in school, I put so much pressure on myself to achieve this unrealistic goal of being the perfect student. 'Perfect' being the key word. I was a terrible perfectionist, it drove me out of my mind sometimes just trying to do everything just right. Even down to my handwriting, it had to look perfect on assignments. So much so that I would spend all my time perfecting that instead of actually doing the homework. The further I fell behind, the worse it got. I had a strong irrational fear of my teachers, I was scared of disappointing them and them getting angry at me. That branched out into a general fear of people and places. My teen years weren't easy. But I had made progress, I was taking some positive steps and doing better than ever. I was discovering myself at 18 years old finally and looking forward to life. Then my world changed, if you've read other posts of mine you will know what that was. But anway here I am now, 22 years old and dealing with anxiety once again. I don't know how I was overcoming it before, but right now I am so completely lost and confused. I'm stuck in this roller coaster of irrational thoughts and feelings.

I started a new job in May, a job I was so happy to get and was really hopeful about. I went in with the best of intentions. I was smiling and friendly and even a little talkative. Something my naturally shy and quiet demeanor found very challenging. I gave it my best shot though. The anxiety started to show it's ugly head right away. I was slow in training, and very critical of my performance. I tried to brush it off, I tried to play it cool like it didn't matter to me what the others thought. I think I fooled myself for a little while. I didn't recognize when I started becoming more and more concerned with how they thought I was doing. I didn't see how I was reacting more and more to their comments, or how I was so in need of their approval. They weren't a bad group of people. I just always felt like I was walking the line of being a part of the group versus being an outsider. I didn't immediately take notice of the paranoid way I would wonder if they were talking about me behind my back. Talking about how I was doing and what not. Those concerns got to me more than once. On breaks I would go into the restroom and just really question what I was doing and try hard to calm my nerves. It was other issues that had caused me to take time off, unofficial sick leave I guess. That however gave me the chance to realize how my anxiety was back and started to take over once more. Now I've been out of work for a month or so, I don't even know how long, and the pressure of not having money is making things so much worse. But the nervousness about going back is fighting that need to return. It's all such a mess. Sometimes I wonder if I am just being a "baby" and need to "grow up." Maybe in some ways I do, but these fears are real. So real they triggered me into hitting some seriously low points! So low I wasn't sure I could even survive and sincerely contemplated suicide. It was then I sought out immediate help, because somewhere inside I knew...I didn't want to die.

I wish that I could feel some confidence in myself. I wish I coud feel confident in my decisions and actions. I wish I didn't think the worst possible outcome was going to happen every time I think about work, bills, or really anything. I wish I could feel that my belief in myself was enough. I can ignore these issues, pretend they don't exist because it's so much easier that way. But they do. And now they are going to be forcing me to acknowledge them and I am scared. I am always so unbelievably afraid.

My mind is powerful. It can make me do, think, and believe things so abnormal. It can play games with me and trick me. It can hurt me and taunt me. I don't have control over what it does, and I feel helpless over the places it goes. Part of me wants a future, but part of me wonders if I can even handle one.

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Just added on a new aspect to my anxiety, the social aspect. Right now I am just berating myself for doing something so stupid without thinking. And my irrational mind is making me wonder if what I did is going to make people really angry and if my best friend is going to be mad at me. I immediately went into shut down mode too. The second afterwards I decided I was going to "hide out." By that I mean turn my phone to silent, ignore the messages from the people involved, and just literally go into hiding and avoid all contact with others. I know my mind is making more out of this than what is really there but I can't help it. I don't know yet how to stop it. I just feel really nervous because socially I am so inexperienced. Just recently I am getting out more and expanding the group of people I consider my "friends. It's really easy for me right now to doubt myself and make mistakes. I don't know how to make it all work like everyone else seems to...

I just really needed to express that right now. Trying to make myself calm down and relax, but I just don't know how to do so.

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Facing serious anxiety today on two fronts. One dealing with my employment and where that stands as of right now. I am determined to be mature about this and talk to the necessary people openly and honestly. That is as opposed to my usual run and hide behavior and hoping that things magically turn out okay. The second front is I will be visiting my father today who I have not seen in over ten years. I have had what you might call warnings from siblings about how he could be. I could very easily not go see him myself, but this is something I believe fully would be a positive thing. Instead of there being unknowns as to what type of person he is and such, I would experience for myself what he is like one on one. I am going there with an open mind really because I am not sure where this meeting will take us. So today I'm just trying to breath. I don't know what will happen, but I am going to try to not shut down through it all or succumb to pressures.

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi Notready and welcome,

I want to wish you good luck with your meeting today. I hope it turns out well for you and that you find a way to cope with your employment issues. I agree that it's good to get you own impression of your father.

Take care.

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