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Just fed up of life!


sensitive_woman
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Sweet Sue,

God has played a dirty joke on me... I dont know what to say.

I got divorced sometime back. My mother has been recently diagnosed with cancer and my ex-husband specializes in operating and treating the same illness. He has been an unstable guy as a human being though hes a brilliant doctor. He and his mom have constantly put me through mental abuse when we were married. When physical abuse set in our relationship, I called it quits and broke off the marriage. He used to curse my mom and now his curses came true. She has the same illness he cursed her with. :)

Now it so happens, any doctor I go to, knows him or me and I feel wretched!!! He has started calling up recently as coincidentally when my mom was admitted, his aunt was admitted in the very next room in the same hospital. Now he knows about my moms illness and has been supportive with information about medical treatment and so on. Yet hes an unpredictable person. He calls up and says he loves me and I love him and blames all the relatives and family members for the breakup. He refuses to accept his addictions and abusive ways and blames me and my family for his addictions and irrational behavior. He doesnt own up to his weaknesses and in fact puts the blame on other people - either my parents, relatives or friends. His usage of words is awful... he is very abusive really which I cant stand. Medically he may be brilliant but as a human being hes really intolerable. Even though I feel that, I miss him terribly and its difficult for me to move on. All this is nothing less than a nasty joke God played on me.

Some people tell me that since I'm a good person in this life, it is my past life karma which has played these negative events in my life. Do you believe in past life karma? What is the right thing for me to do? Should I stop picking up his calls or stop calling him? He said I can call him anytime if me or my parents need medical advice. I'm so confused really.. I'm fed up of life.

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Hi sensitive_women

No wonder your fed up of life - that is such a lot of harshness to try and cope with :)

Im so sorry about your mothers illness, I hope she can beat the cancer.

For what its worth I believe you did the right thing in getting divorced. Im sorry your ex was abusive an violent toward you, no-body deserves to be treated like that.

I dont know very much about Karma and past lifes really, Ive never looked into it. But I have my belief that there is past life, and present life, along with different realms where past and present merge. Im not religious but I have faith, in a lot of different things taken from various religions and cultures.

If it is Karma, from a past life that has played the negative events in this life for you, than I must of been a really bad person in a previous life-time. But I dont think thats the case. A good kind natured spirit/soul is just that - as far as Im concerned, whether that is in a past life, or the present life we live.

The way I see things, is Life just throws curve balls at us, and puts obsticals in our way as we travel along our path. If we catch one of those curve balls, eventually we learn to drop the ball and move forward, and as for lifes obsticals that block each of our paths - they can be overcome, no matter what the size. Things unfortunately take time, it can be a slow draining process. But nothing is impossible - right ?

You know this man better than anyone - what has past experience tought you ? I dont know what the right thing for you to do is - or if there is any right or wrong thing to do in this situation. Maybe its just a case of having to listen to your instinct, and following your intuition.

Take care :(

Edited by SweetSue
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After my mom's diagnosis, my life has changed completely. It totally revolves around her now. I left my corporate job a year after my divorce (which is in Dec 2010) as I used to get very stressed out and depressed. My boss found out that I had left my husband and started making nasty statements and I felt stifled, so I quit my highly paying corporate job. Also I desperately need a break and needed time to cope with the divorce even though I had filed for it because of the years of abuse and trauma I went through. But because of my good educational background and excellent career track record I knew I would get a good job eventually.

But now with mom's health, I need to take her for blood tests every 10 days, admit her to the hospital for 3 days every fortnight and stay with her there. I get corporate projects to work on but honestly I'm unable to concentrate on them. Dad is home alone when we are in the hospital. He's almost 80 yrs. He freaks out when he is home alone. I cook for him and make sure he has eaten and shuttle between hospital and home frequently. When mom's back from the hospital after chemo, shes exhausted for 2-3 days but back to her usual chirpy strong self for a whole week and then again we are back for the next chemo within a fortnight. Its all so exhausting emotionally frankly I have no time to think. I love my parents dearly and do not flinch for doing whatever I can to help my parents and help mom to recover. But inside I am so tired of life. All negative things seem to be happening one after the other. What do I do? I try to remain positive. Read a lot of 'positive thinking' books but I'm drained of energy. Is God punishing me for divorcing my husband? I dont know :)

Edited by sensitive_woman
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Hi sensitive_woman

Im so sorry you are having to experience this :)

Earlier on this year, my ma in-law (to be) was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was terminal she was 81. We lived with her. I became her full time carer. She was a very poorly lady. Also a right character. I loved her dearly, it was the first time I had ever known a proper mother figure - even called her ma. It was totally exhausting, both physically and emotionally. I was lucky though I have a nursing background, so caring for her at home was something I felt capable of. The machines took a bit of getting use to, as did watching someone I love dearly slowly waste away.

I couldnt detach myself from her being my ma, and just switch into nursing mode. It was a extremely emotional roller coaster. I coped the only way I could - by not letting my fears show, and by acting a clown around her - keeping her smiling. She would often ask my partner - "hen, just where did ya get her from sonny ? - can we send her back ?". I was this person that affectionately became known as "Duck Egg" by their family.

The way I had to deal with it was, just auto pilot at the times when things became to sad to deal with. Even when I was scared of what ma was going through. All the time she had a smile (no matter how weak) then I knew an felt we were doing the best for her. Sadly she passed away.

However, my ex sis-in law, had cancer, recieved chemo therapy, and and is now cancer free for 10 years. :o:)

All you can do is try, do what you can, when you can. It must be exhausting physically and emotionally, what with all the running about to different appointments, looking after your dad and trying to keep focused on work, and really frightening watching your mom go through this.

Is there anyone that can help support you through this ?

My ma use to have a Mc Millan Nurse come round and help organise things with us. She was a great support - for all of us.

Have you been offered counselling ?

Take care :(

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Felt great reading your post, Thanks Sue.

I'm glad you have a nursing background and could help your ma-in-law so well.

I have a nutrition and healthcare background so I handle her food intake and shes been doing v well so far. She doesn't need a nurse yet. But mom seems to want me around her all the time which becomes a little taxing. Maybe I'm overprotective of her as well and worry to leave her alone.

No, haven't had any counselling. If you mean divorce counselling then yes, I did seek out a psychoanalyst earlier but stopped going when I thought I didn't need her support any more. Post cancer detection there has been no time at all, and you're right life has become auto pilot these days.

You sound so positive and brave. It felt so good to read your post.

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Hi :(

I remember only too well my ma wanting me with her all the time - it was heavily taxing at times. I didnt mind at all, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat - but being truthful - sometimes I had to take myself out into the back yard, just for a few minutes, and just stomp my feet outta sheer frustration, not with my ma (in-law to be), but coz of the situation. Towards the end if I left the room to go to the bathroom, she'd be calling my name. She was scared bless her, I was scared for her. I used to have to monouvre her into her wheelchair (not an easy task) and wheel her into the kitchen with me whilst I cooked. I used to send her "Doo Lally" with my singing 'talents' (or severe lack of) - yeah I know, but if Im gonna cook we gotta have fun too - right ?

Things were chaotic, they were upsetting, for all of us involved. I was lucky I had a special bond with ma, I was able to encourage her to eat, to take her meds (that was a nightmare event). Mainly coz I would just 'put her head away' by clowning around, and Im sure half the time she eventually took her meds to get a bit of peace - that plus she knew how stubborn I am - ooops :)

Nothing wrong with being over protective, its your mom - its understandable.

Is there a Cancer Support group opperating in your area ? That could be benificial to you and your mom. I realise, you are extremely busy, however there are organisations that will send a cancer support worker to your home once a week, just for an hour - spend time with you and your mom - just talking things through - any queiries you may have or concerns etc.... It may be worth thinking about.

You can find out from your moms doctor - they should of informed you of the support available to you and your family, when your mom was diagnosed. We got a information pack with a ton(ne) of useful information and contact numbers when ma got diagnosed.

Its amazing what a person can achieve when someone they love is poorly - seriously I was on the go day and night, but we made the best of it - saw the funny side to anything that threw itself at us. It was our way of getting through.

Everyone has there own way of coping with something as sad as this - you do too - heck your coping already - give yourself some credit, your doing a great job juggling everything :o

And you can always talk to us here, its gonna be tough, but you can get to brighter days again.

Take care

Edited by SweetSue
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Guest GingerSnap

Sweet Sue is indeed "sweet" and doing a great job in the thread. They should have a social worker at the hospital that you can talk to. I do not know what your financial means are but if you are in the US and your parents aren't able to afford to hire a little extra help, funds are generally available for that and social services should be able to help in that case. You are exhausted and need someone to help with this. God is not punishing you and I think it is more a test of your faith, your strength and it looks like you are doing so good but just need someone else in the mix to give you a break. Your ex-husband probably realizes that you are vulnerable now, we all would be and is trying to take advantage of you. I would tell him how much I appreciated his medical expertise and support but that I was just in no position to make "relationship" decisions at this time. Obviously since you are exhausted it will be difficult to make decisions. Sue suggested cancer support groups and the hospital should know about availability of those in your area and if not, try online because there are endless groups there also and that even in addition to a person-to-person group would give you a healthy outlet for the anxiety and exhaustion you are feeling. You are running on empty and that is bad for physical and mental health. Trust in God and keep the faith. Find help as I am sure it is there but you do have to be willing to admit that you are not Superwoman.:)

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Thanks for your posts, both Sweet Sue and Gingersnap. Really appreciate all that you have written. Gingersnap, no I'm not a superwoman and I do request my mom's sister's to sit at the hospital during the day sometimes so I can do stuff at home. But my mom doesn't like it. She thinks she is causing them trouble esp. after one of her sister's said, "You should be able to manage by yourself, who stayed in the hospital with me when my husband passed away" Mom thinks her daughter (me) can manage her well so its best not to trouble anyone. Well, I have been thinking about support groups (either online or offline) for a while. In the hospital, a lady had stopped by from VCare Cancer Foundation and given her card. The website she suggested seemed to be hacked - www.vcarecancer.org/ So, Maybe I shall go and visit her. There's so much to do all the time that I have hardly any time to step out of the house. I'm searching for domestic help so I can get out of the house at times other than for groceries.

Sweet Sue you have been a big help! And yes, your name is justified. You are indeed very sweet. Thank you!

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Hi sensitive_woman.

I can kinda relate, when your mom doesnt like someone else sitting with her. Coz with ma, although she had another daughter and son living nearby, she didnt want to cause them any problems. Even though they are really nice people, and would of done anything for her. Ma was a very strong willed woman, and really didnt ask for help - ever. The way she saw things, "People are given eyes for them to use, if they look, they will see" Meaning, if someone wanted to help, they just would - without being asked or told to do so. That generation I guess. Stubborn to a fault - maybe thats why we got on so well :):(

Ive found a on-line cancer support community that may be of help to you. Ive checked the site out, and as far as I can tell the website hasnt been hacked.

http://www.thewellnesscommunity.org/

Also, when ma got to the stage where I couldnt leave her side, and we needed groceries, I often ordered our shopping on-line from one of the supermarkets. Not ideal I realise that, but its just a option you may want to consider. It may also free up a little of your time.

Hope that today is kind to you and your mom. :(

Take care

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SweetSue,

I feel like giving you a big tight hug wherever in this world you are..

I shall check out the cancer support community website you gave.

It seems to be a US based site so I cant join any group closer to home now as I live miles and miles across continents. I used to be in the US earlier. Though I'm sure the site will be useful.

I plan to volunteer time with VCare whenever mom is a little better. I realize how important it is to create support and awareness for patients or relatives with non-medical or non para-medical background. If I'm feeling so lost I wonder how lost those less fortunate than me would feel. I shiver to think about it.

You are indeed a sweet soul, true to your name. God bless you!

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Hi :(

Im not sure what corner of the world you are in - but this is one of the websites the Mac Millan Nurse gave us. It has a support community, also a lot of useful information. I never got round to joining, too much was happening before ma joined the angels, but its a safe site, (I just checked) and hopefully you will be able to join from your country - even though its based here in the UK. :(

http://community.macmillan.org.uk/whatsnew/default.aspx

Im sorry your feeling so lost, and well Im sending you a {{{{big hug}}}}. I know you are going through hell and back right now. You probably have a million and one questions running around inside of you, keeping you awake, when really you just need to grab that rest and sleep. That was what it was like for me when ma first got diagnosed. More so when we were later told it was un-treatable. They could only aid with her pain, and prescribe medication to make her as comfortable as possible.

Whats your moms mobility like ?

You might be able to get help with aids to help her around the house. Something we never realised to start with, and was buying equipment ourself. There are organisations that can loan your mom, walking aids, aids to help her in and out of bed etc.... until she is well again.

Also remember you are still you, that you are still someone - other than your moms daughter, other than her carer - you need some time out, even if only for a couple of hours. You mentioned looking for domestic help, I hope you find some soon :)

Take care

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{{{{{ BIG HUG }}}}}} right back at ya... SweetSue

It must have been harder for you to deal with the entire process.

Nope mom is mobile and can move around on her own except post chemo for 2 days. I have never seen mom lying down ever. In fact I never remember her even catching a cold.. Shes been very healthy and super active super woman all her life! It just hurts to see her lying down in the hospital every fortnight for 3 days and then slumped with exhaustion for 2 days post chemo. But then shes back on her feet and moving around after that. But by then its time for the next chemo. As shes eating much lesser and as the chemo cycles advance, I dread to think that she may slowly deteriorate and become immobile. In fact that thought is killing me and I have lost sleep over this. I'm in India, thats where VCare is too.

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Hi,

Thanks for the hugs.

No not harder to deal with - just different, yet still similar.(if that makes sense)

When my sister-in-law went through chemo, her sickness was really bad, bless her. The food she found easiest to tolerate, was lemon mouse - and her favourite drink back then was tangy lemonade. Her taste buds were more or less, non existant at one point. And she found that the sour'er (if thats a word?) the better :(

Im glad your mom is mobile, on her better days :(

Unfortunately deterioration of mobility can happen - but not always. And sometimes even when the mobility has deteriorated, in time as the person heals it can improve again. I know its pointless me telling you to try not to worry - coz I think your going to anyway. The same as I would.

It must be ever so upsetting watching your mom endure her chemo sessions, and then as she recovers from it - only to have to do it all again. My heart truely goes out to you :)

Oh, India, wow !!!! I wouldnt mind exploring there one day :)

Take care

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I'm doing the best I can for her. All this is emotionally, physically and financially draining with lots of time and energy investment. Sometimes I Just freak out thinking what will happen if shes no more. I just cant imagine life without her. My dad is much more difficult to manage than her as he complains for the stupidest thing from a mosquito bite to a scratch. Its so irritating to see him complaining for silly things while mom hardly complains despite having so many problems. Despite severe nausea, she eats food just to see that smile on my face... she told me that the other day and I was so touched.

Today the catheter in her neck vein is paining and they suggested a doppler sonography of the neck veins to find out if there is thrombosis and stuff. When am I going to do my project? I dont know why God is testing me like this... or maybe I'm just over-reacting and need to get out for a while to just calm down.. sorry for venting here.

India is pretty advanced and we have the best of facilities here with instant medical care. I worked in US hospitals 10 years ago and I'm totally aware of the medico working scene both in US and in India. But nevertheless, illness is difficult to deal with. I think I'm getting depressed and I should get out of it somehow. Don't get me wrong. I love my mother dearly but my entire life has stopped because of her health. I cant work anymore. I stare into a newspaper and cant read a word unless the word 'cancer' is there. Then I sit and read the whole article unblinking. I must be sounding like a moron to you. sorry :)

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Hi hun

Im so sorry this is so awfully heart wrenching :):(

It must be frustrating, listening to your dad moan about the littlist ailment when your mom is fighting such a awlful illness.

Its okay to have those thoughts of what will happen if your mom is no more. I had them thoughts too, as ma deteriorated. It kinda freaked me out - big time. Then I realised, or accepted she was going to leave this world one day - ok sooner than I wanted. Though admitedly with me it was something I had to accept, especially when we were informed she only had days left. The thing is, ma has left this world now, however she hasnt left me, or any of her children. She is still with us, only now when we want to see her, we have to close our eyes and look with our heart.:)

I dont think God is testing you or punishing you in any way. I think its life that is testing you. Your not over reacting - not even close. Your overwhelmed with all that is happening in your life right now - and that is so very understandable.

Have you ever tried meditation or visualisation to help you to relax ?

And never be sorry for saying how you are feeling, it helps to get things 'out there' so that they are not building up inside of you.

No you dont sound like a moron at all, you sound like a really nice woman - who is going through a really horrible time :(

Were here and listening - when ever you need to talk.

Take care

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Mom was complaining of neck pain above the catheter inserted in her neck to support the chemo treatment where the port is inserted in her right chest. The doc said we should give painkillers and wait for 3 days and if it doesn't subside, get an doppler sonography (USG) of neck veins done. I wasn't comfortable with the 3 day wait with painkillers what the doc said so I took her to the hospital right away, met the dr. got her prescription and had the sonography done immediately after. Now the USG doc says her right hand side above the port is completely thrombosed (blood clots) which stops the blood flow to her head and stuff. No wonder shes been complaining of a headache on and off. That's why I did speed up her tests and diagnosis so she can be treated promptly. Been at the hospital all day today. Just got home. Also, there is some thrombosis on the left hand side of her chest as well which goes unexplained. Oh man!! All this is soooo taxing. Now Dr. wants to start her on 2 heparin (anti-thrombotic) injections every single day for the next 4-6 weeks. I have to find a nurse soon to give her the injections. Why is all this happening? Isnt she already having enough suffering? Why so much more????

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Hi :)

{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

Im so sorry this is happening. My heart and prayers go out to you and your mom.

Thank goodness you didnt listen to the doctor and wait 3 days, instead you listened to your intuition, and got your mom help straight away. ;)

Is there someone at the hospital that can help you find a nurse to do the daily injections ?

A social worker, or a support worker ?

Ask the nurse or doctor incharge of your moms care - they should be able to help you.

Please take care ~ and try and get some rest !!! :P

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Hi sensitive_woman

Sorry your feeling really stressed - understandably so, you have ever such a lot to try and cope with at the moment :)

Have you managed to get any home help organised yet ?

When Im stressed out I usually find a nice quiet corner somewhere, and meditate - or spend a little time visualising Im back at my favourite place, remembering every small detail, like the colours, the smells of the place, the touch. It calms me down somewhat.:)

Also I like to paint or draw, paintings my favourite though, its vibrant and messy - I find it fun. :)

I know you dont really get much free time to yourself - but is there anything you enjoy ? Maybe a magazine you like to read or watch something lighthearted on telly. I often look up things that are funny on the net, just to make me smile - the more I smile the less stressed I feel.

Hope that you are okay, thinking of you.:o

Take care

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