Just fed up of life!

[Jenna520]

Hi Sensitive Woman,

While reading your post, I found myself reflecting on a time when I thought life would never be the same. I felt your pain at that moment, because I've been in a very similar situation.

When I was turning 21, my mother was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 45. She had to have surgery to remove the tumor and some lymphnodes, then she had to have the port put in her chest to take her chemo through. After that, 35 treatments of radiation. I remember the wide range of emotions I felt. From sadness, to depression, asking myself what if? I felt anger because I felt as though I should have had help from my dad and my brother, but they were too fragile to be around the situation. I was so tired. Every monday and tuesday I would drive her to get chemo, which took 6-8 hours and on tuesday a shot to keep her counts up. I remember being the only one to see her with no hair and driving her here and there to find that perfect wig that looked like her real hair. It is a very horrible place to be, a lonely place. The uncertainty eats at you through and through.

I wish my arms could extend to you that far and give you a big hug. My heart goes out to you and your mother. I know that it's hard not to think negative and what if in this situation, but the best thing to do is distract yourself somehow in some way. Turn some music on in your down time and start a home project. Weather it be redecorating, sewing new and unique curtains, or painting a picture of your emotions. It doesn't matter if you've never touched a canvas with a paint brush in your life, just pick one up, pick the colors you feel that represent your emotions and let the brush be your guide. Keeping your mind busy is the key, but with pleasant thoughts or nuetral things, not what is going on around you. A person's mind can become overloaded. It too, like a computer, needs to hibernate and restart sometimes.

It's been 6 1/2 years and my mother is cancer free now. I had prepared myself for the worst, had it happened, but things turned out okay. I know now that had it been her time to go, she would have went, but God was not yet done with her work here on Earth.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this heart breaking situation. If ever you need someone to talk to, please feel free to message me. I will pray for you and your mother, along with your situation. Prayers go a long way... that is my belief. I hope you find some relief. God bless.

[sensitive_woman]

Sweet Sue & Jenna ((((( GROUP HUGS TO BOTH OF YOU )))))

Sweet Sue, I liked your idea of finding a corner to meditate. You're right, I have to somehow find time to meditate OR do the "15 mins fun routine". I actually wrote a long article on it a few months before all this happened and now I think the article will benefit me the most! I was so surprised to read "smile to destress". Now when I think back, I have always had a smiling face... one that strangers on the road look at and spontaneously give a smile. But ever since this has happened I have forgotten even how to grin slightly, leave alone a smile from the heart. Today I'm back in the hospital with mom for her chemo routine and I was just thinking that if I just smile for no reason thinking about anything positive, it would do a world of good for me and even my mother as my mood can affect her as well.

Jenna, I read your post and it brought tears to my eyes. No particular reason but I felt as though you had touched my heart or somehow sensed what I was going through. Its amazing how somehow millions of miles across continents can strike a chord and a person who may be sitting across the table may not be able to quite understand as much. Since you have been through similar life circumstances, I guess you can relate to the pain. I am sooooo glad your mom is fine now. God bless her and you!

Well the good news today is, the doc could start the 4th chemo using her port. I (mom too) was worried as hell that they may use her hand veins. Even a regular IV fluid fires her veins and makes her hands black and blue. I'm so glad that a repeat USG of neck veins today showed a clear blood flow below her port so the doc gave her consent to use the port for the chemo treatment. I know that poor mom didn't sleep all night as there are bags under her eyes and her blood pressure was rocket high 160/90. The minute they started chemo through the port, her BP was back to normal. I feel awful and wish I could take all her worry and pain away and make her the usual 'mom' I knew she was.. super active and always positive. She's been a pillar of strength for all of us and now its just heart wrenching to see her bearing the chemo troubles and sleeping so much. She reminds me of my grandma sometimes. Gosh, days fly.. I dread to think I may be in her shoes someday? Dear God... I dont know what to say anymore.

[sensitive_woman]

I'm sooooooooooo tired of life. Life is getting so hard.

I'm tired of having to deal with all this alone. I just feel numbed that I feel 'brain freeze' all the time. Get stressed out over the slightest of things these days.

I had questioned the billing guy about a bill which was 10 grand more than the usual bill. Mom is getting the exact same treatment, same meds and same chemo treatment of 48 hours in the hospital every fortnight for 2.5 days but the bill keeps changing which is strange. On questioning the billing guy, he got furious and fired me. I was so numb with shock and too tired and exhausted to argue with him that I duly paid the bill without a word. I'm just tired of this whole thing and dread the thought of having to deal with him again this next week for the next chemo.

When I try to talk to the doctor, she just shrugs and doesn't give it much importance. Maybe its wrong to talk about this to the doctor under whom we are admitted in the hospital but I don't know whom else to talk to. I'm just tired of this whole chemo business, having to deal with the whole stress of the 2 1/2 day hospital stay, managing cooking, taking care to see if dad is allright at home and run back to the hospital, being around mom who's always having some chemo effect (it breaks my heart each time to see her like this). I'm just tired of having to deal with all this esp. after a recent divorce.. I just want to run away or commit suicide but get out of this. I feel guilty feeling this way as I'm the only one who can be there for mom and I will... but I'm just too exhausted and I want to just go on a holiday and curl up with a book and sleep and eat and sleep and eat.. I'm just too too tired.

What do I do? How do I stop feeling like this and take responsibility for mom's health and face the billing guy wisely and just handle it well with authority. I'm just too tired of everything now.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Sensitive,

I'm confused. You said the billing guy fired you. Did you work for him?

I know what you mean about the doctor and the expense. Today, doctors were as part of group practices or for HMO's. They don't set the bills and have little to do with it. They just collect their large salaries.

Coping with a loved one who has cancer is painful and emotionally exhausting. When it's your mother its magnified ten times more.

You really do need someone to talk to. There should be social workers at the hospital whose job it is to help relatives emotionally cope with this crisis through counseling.

Allan

[sensitive_woman]

We don't have HMO here. I don't work for the billing guy but I need to go to billing dept. to pay the bills after each chemo cycle. He is taking revenge on me. During previous chemo, they finished the chemo at 5:30 (on 3rd floor) versus noon which the 2nd floor nurses (who are highly efficient) finish. If the treatment crosses 12 pm then we are charged for the next day. Plus, many of the supplies such as thermometer, cotton balls, mom's mouth gargles were all carried by me to the hospital as this is a continuous treatment. I brought it to the notice of the nurses on the 3rd floor and the billing guy that they were charging us for stuff that we had got from previous chemo from this same hospital and also the chemo cycle timings were changing for no fault of ours. He had to give me a refund for that which he did but he was very angry because probably they got a firing for charging without checking properly.

So, in the next chemo (last week), the billing guy just fired me saying that you created a racket during the last time and we had to give you a refund, so from now on wards we will see that you are charged for the whole day. He wants to get back at me. He even shouted at me saying I have complained against you to higher authorities and also against the 3rd floor nurses for creating billing problems. I was so stunned and so tired handling mom that I had no energy to answer back at him. Since the billing guy was an elderly person and honestly I'm fed up of everything, I didnt want to argue with him even though he wasnt fair at all. I promptly went to billing and just paid the bills. But I went up to his bosses to bring this to their notice and they tell me that we will charge you for full day instead of half day as the treatment time is going an hour beyond their billing cycle. So they warned me not to complain about any of this past chemo timings and billing and stay quiet coz if I did, they would make sure they would pull out the bills and charge me for the pending half day for the 1 hour they had exceeded beyond usual hospital billing cycles.

I was so upset I haven't slept since coming back home. I dread to go back again on Monday for mom's next chemo but I have to go as the nurses in this hospital (esp. on the 2nd floor) are the best in India. I want mom to get the best treatment and come out of her illness as a victor.

Do you think I should stay quiet and just finish her treatments and then complain against billing dept? But by then I would have paid all the bills. OR Should I bring it up at the next chemo with higher authorities (which I dont really want to do) OR Should I just try talking to billing dept (which maybe futile as they are really obnoxious to deal with). I liked your idea of involving the social workers. There are social workers here whom I had met once and who seemed really nice. But I'm not sure how much of value the hospital trustees lay on them. What should I do? I dont want to create problems for anyone but get fair bills and good treatment for mom.

[sensitive_woman]

When I say "fired me", I mean "was very nasty and rude to me" He literally screamed at me.

[SweetSue]

Well im sorry but the billing guy sounds like a jerk, what right does he have to scream at you, and be rude and nasty.:mad:

Hope you put in a official complaint hun.

How are you holding up ???

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

[sensitive_woman]

Ya maybe I should complain.. Dont want mom to suffer in any way in her treatment if I complain, and I dont want any more hassles. You never know these hospital people. I'm just tired actually...