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WILD panic attack


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I read somewhere that in a study, in children with agressive conduct disorder, their reward pathways in their brains responded when viewing a video of a piano being slammed down on fingers.

I think I met the criteria for conduct disorder when I was younger. My newest obsession is that I have ASPD amongst other things. Last night my boyfriend got ery angry with me and I felt a rush of excitement and grinned.. I also remember from a young age I would smile or laugh when my mother or sister were expressing anger. This got me thinking that maybe my reward pathways are stimulated when the people i love express anger....therefore making me some kind of freak that for some reaon is emotionally wired wrong.

Spent 4 hrs researching and obsessing about this, went to sleep, then when into an almost manic state obsessing about these thoughts ALL day from waking up until about 6:00 tonight. These thoughts cycling in my head over and over and over (sociopath or not) until I felt like a spinning top spinning out of control with anxiety and panic and wild unidentifyable emotions.

Tried to calm myself by urging my thoughts to s l o w d o w n. This didn't work and I felt a full blow panic attack coming on, one that had been brewing ALL day and previous night. When i felt I couldn't handle any more stress or anxiety and all my hair was standing on end... I stepped backwards onto my dog which yelped and scared me so much it sent me into hysterics... felt as if I had been stabbed with 100 butcher knives instantaneously through my body. Lost complete control of my emotions and my mother tried to calm me by guiding me to sit down, where my dogs proceeded to keep jumping up on my legs. This is where it gets really scary, I felt like I had reached my emotional stress limit and could not take anymore, as if I was a hair away from losing all rationality and I started screaming/crying at the dogs and I honestly felt like I was about to snap and actually kill them. I even felt like I was going to hurt my own mother who was trying to calm me. I felt completely out of control of what i would do next and I have NEVER had a panic attack like that in my life up until tonight. My head was buzzing and felt physically numbed and pressured for hours afterwards..even my hearing was affected. It felt like I had some kind of hysterical seizure. The clonzepam finally kicked in and cal med me down eventually but that left me drained and wondering what I could be capable if pushed over the limit of emotional and anxiety capacity....

Sorry this is so long but like I said this has never happened to me before and the fact that killing my dogs or mom even crossed my mind in that moment of lost rationality just blows my mind. What happened to me? Has anyone here ever had this happen? Ive had my fair share of panic attacks but this was own separate class of intensity... Is that what is called hysterical? and doesn't that develop into a disorder in which you are institutionalized, because you within within yourself from the extreme emotional and anxity repression... I'm so scared about it will happening again... I can't seem to come up with an answer to this paradox of whether I am a twisted individual or not and it is clearly causing me to fall apart...

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Guest ASchwartz


Instead of telling yourself to slow down your thoughts, try thinking of and imagining something different, something pleasant, something you love doing or a place you would love to visit and imagine it.

The more we tell ourselves to stop having a certain thought, the more it will continue.


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