[!] Sex. Offended?

[JaiJai]

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[IrmaJean]

Normal people don't seek out predators. I'm supposed to meet someone tomorrow. The kind of person only I would look for. The kind of terrible scenario only I would want.

This sounds very dangerous to me. What purpose does "danger" serve to you?

There are people that I love. But what I know is that these 2 things do not intersect in any fashion. And I dont want them to.

Would it be too frightening if they did?

Please be careful.

[JaiJai]

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[JaiJai]

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[Loneone]

That does seem extremely dangerous, and I would worry that one of these times you are going to meet someone that may not simply be interested in sex, but perhaps something more dangerous. I know you said the build-up is exciting, but it seems like perhaps you are being used. Someone with a normal, healthy self-esteem would not want themselves abused in that way. I also worry about protecting yourself. If you are unconscious during some of these encounters, then it is likely that protection is not always used, which opens the door to STD's or even pregnancy as well. Could you imagine trying to explain to a child why you don't know their father? I really think you need to talk to someone, sweetie. It seems like you have a lot on your plate that you may need some help sorting through.

[JaiJai]

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[IrmaJean]

Of course when I imagine having sex its with people i dont care about, and i dont want them to care about me. I'm completely detatched, there are no feelings in the way. As soon as you start screwing around with someone u have feelings for, everything gets complicated. You cant just ditch and run. And the thought of that does makes me uncomfortable. maybe anxious even. I get a queesie feeling in the pit of my stomach just imagining it. Thats way more sketchy than what i do.

Sometimes pain and sadness manifests in our behaviors. Sometimes anger can play out in self-destructive behaviors.

What is it, do you think, that makes being cherished and respected painful and frightening for you?

[JaiJai]

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[IrmaJean]

I very much felt that whatever affection they showed was a complete sham.

Do you have any thoughts about where these feelings might have originated from? Do you still feel that way now about others?

Im not really worth being cherished.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I believe that all of us are worth being cherished.

I like being wanted' date=' and there's plenty of takers for what i offer.[/quote']

Maybe there can be a place for others to want your friendship and your mind. How would that feel?

.

Besides' date=' what are the chances that cherished and respected are going to last? It never does' date=' and then ur left with a hole in ur heart. that sucks too.[/quote'']

Living life can be risky, yes, but taking a chance might also bring you joy, too. I struggle some myself with loss. If you can build an understanding and acceptance of yourself, you can learn to cherish and respect yourself. Once you do that, you'll be able to receive this more freely from others.

Take care.

[JaiJai]

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[JaiJai]

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[IrmaJean]

I guess I was like clockwork as a kid' date=' creating massive drama so that i was in trouble and pissed off with my dad and vise versa. Not that I only did it at this time, but i would always do this when my dad would be leaving to work out of town.[/quote']

It can be a way of getting some attention. If attention was not given to you in respectful and loving ways, you may have adapted and learned to act out in order to be heard. It must have been hard on you as a little girl knowing your father was leaving for a long period of time.

sometimes i thnk i seek to recreate the intesity of those experiences

That's an interesting insight. I think it becomes hard to not identify ourselves with the events of our past, even when those events never should have happened. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Maybe, JaiJai, in time there can be a way to have a new understanding of sex and what it means. Are you open to that?

Take care.

[JaiJai]

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[Guest ASchwartz]

JaiJai,

Please excuse me if you have already answered this question or, in previous posts, mentioned this, but, were you sexually abused during your childhood. It does not have to be by a family member. It can be a next door neighbor, etc, although this certainly can and does happen in the family. I am asking because, after reading this thread, it becomes a relevant question. If not sexually abused, were you abused or neglected in other ways?

Lastly, are you seeing a psychotherapist about these issues. I agree that what you describe is very dangerous for you.

Allan

[JaiJai]

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[IrmaJean]

Hi Jai. I know that feeling all too well...

I read what you wrote. I'm looking and I accept you. This is not a place for judgments. We're here to support you.

Hang in there and try to be gentle with yourself.

Take care.

[IrmaJean]

I had more thoughts. I am struck by your avatar photo of the young girl. She appears sad and is frowning.

Your childhood, Jai, sounds very painful, distressful, and confusing. It is supposed to be a carefree time full of wonder, learning, and growth. I'm sorry that you were not provided with the safe, loving environment that every child deserves.

I'm glad that you are open to changing your views and feelings about sex. I think, though, that the best place to start would be in learning to accept and love yourself.

Would you consider trying therapy again? I know this can be so very challenging, but maybe it could help. What do you think?

[malign]

Jai,

I don't know if it helps you or not, but I know others here who condemn themselves for willingly participating, and others who continued to act out sexually after their abuse ended.

It's confusing for children, because some part of them feels that there's something wrong, but it also feels good (a difficult reality to face, for many), and on top of all that, a trusted adult says that it's okay. But that's the whole point of why it's not the children's fault: they don't have a consistent sense of right and wrong to make the decision with. The abuser deliberately warps it, to their own benefit. But that doesn't mean it can't ever be unwarped.

I can hope you won't delete what you wrote, because part of what's needed is to be able to hold awareness of what happened without trying to stuff away somewhere, but I'll understand if it has to go. Again, you won't be the first person who has needed several cycles to get there. Eventually, though, I believe you will be able to "hack it", if you choose to.

[JaiJai]

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[IrmaJean]

I dont remember my childhood being that rough.

Sometimes when things are very painful' date=' we block them out, but are still affected on an unconscious level.

The expression (on the pic) is what my family called my 'nobody's home' face. And was what i looked like when zoned out. I wasnt unhappy or angry or anything. I just wasnt home. I didnt care what was going on' date=' if i was in trouble, if i was bored... crap just kinda sailed past me.[/quote']

That isn't what I see in that picture, though I might well be wrong.... I see profound sadness. The fact that you "weren't home" could reflect that the distress was too much for you to bear. "Not caring" may have become a coping method that kept you from getting too close to the pain.

I look at a kid that age now- and i find it difficult to reconcile them having the werewithal to make any decisions in that circumstance' date=' but that doesnt negate the fact that i did know. I was definitely cogniscent of what going on.[/quote']

You had the emotional capacity of a 6 year old. How could you have known? Children that age don't have the ability to make these kinds of choices with sound mind. You weren't allowed the free space to be a child. Children need that.

I hope that none of what I've written is upsetting to you. I want to be supportive and gentle.

Take care.

[JaiJai]

Its my party

[IrmaJean]

Okay JaiJai. I like being gentle, so I hope you can understand that too. I also relate to not wanting to be viewed as fragile... So you aren't fragile then. How would you describe yourself?

Another method of avoidance is changing the topic of conversation into something you are more comfortable with...

Is it hard to imagine feeling compassion for your younger self?

Take care.

[JaiJai]

and i'll cry

[IrmaJean]

It's partly cloudy and cool at the moment.

Dreams are symbolic and all about you. What does the crab represent to you? You hurt/affected it and now you're afraid of it. Connect with anything in that? Just pure speculation on my part here...

[JaiJai]

if i want to