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Having difficulty as I question my sexuality


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I'm just gonna spit this out as fast as I can, because it's all very strange...

I know my story isn't unique in general, but it is unique to me, so forgive me if I seem strange about certain things. First off, I should tell you who I am... I am a 31 year old educated woman who, until recently, never questioned her heterosexuality. About two years ago I moved from very far away, back to my hometown. And I met a TON of new people. Many of whom are lgbt. This was not new to me, I've always had friends from several walks of life. What was new to me was how I felt about one such person. One of the girls I met confused me a lot. I felt a strange attraction to her, and so I was intimidated, and kept my distance. She was single at the time, and I was loud about being straight. After she got a girlfriend I didn't feel attracted to her, and I assume it is mostly because the idea of cheating makes me very angry, that I can't even be attracted to a person who is attached to another... even if they have permission to roam... Anyway, About a year ago, this friend of mine became a sing lady again. In the fall she and I started to hang around a lot and became close friends. I was dating guys on and off, so I wasn't really looking at her in any way other than a friend. However, a few months ago we became roommates and have developed a closer relationship. We spend a TON of time together. I really love spending time with her, we have a lot in common... blah blah blah... well, here is where it gets a little interesting (sorry for being so verbose) After we had been living together, she decided to tell me her big secret, that she is transgender. I wasn't exactly surprised by this, I had actually begun to wonder a bit myself about her gender history... But from that moment on, I started to think more about my attraction to her... That perhaps, because she was born a man, it seemed more normal that I would have this attraction (which is starting to develop into feelings) for her... She is one of those girls that I would think to myself, "man... if only she were a guy, or I were gay... oh well..." ...

But yeah, so here I am... 31 years old and questioning my everything... I haven't talked to her about this, and I don't want to... for many reasons... #1 being she may not feel the same and I might freak her out, and a close second being I don't want to use her to try and figure out my sexuality... I am a HUGE fan of hers and I don't want to risk losing her friendship... but I keep having this "crazy" thoughts... I know they aren't really crazy, that they can be quite normal... but for me, right now, this feels crazy... Part of the reason I am writing this is to get this all out of my head and down in writing... maybe that will just get it out of my system... I don't know... It's just that... hmmm... this is strange to explain, but, I have fallen in love only twice in my life... And both times, after about a week or two of dating those guys I found myself very uninterested in any other guy I would see... regardless of how hot he was... so, that's kinda my indicator for when I know I am feeling something serious about someone... and recently, I noticed that starting to happen again... Of course I can still see a guy (or a woman for that matter) and recognize beauty or hotness... but I feel very minimal urges towards them... ok, I think I've rattled on long enough.Thank you very much for reading this, I appreciate the chance to get this off my chest, and perhaps, use you as a bit of a sounding board...

Back to trying to convince myself that I don't have a crush on a woman....

(I had posed this already in the new member forum, and am reposting it here in hopes of getting more than one response. Thank you.)

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Irata,

You tell a fascinating story.

What I am wondering is this: is this less of a story of sexuality and gender or more of a story of problems of getting involved with another person and staying involved with them? You report that you have fallen in love twice in your life and it ended after a couple of weeks. That has brings to mind the concept of having difficulty with romantic and permanent, intimate relationships. Now, of course, I don't know and I don't know you. So, could you tell us a little more about yourself?

I wonder what others of our community are thinking about your dilemma?


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Hello, irata,

I'm sorry I don't have any similar experience (I've always been attracted to men only), so... I don't have much to say about your difficulties :-( :(. But I'd like to mention my personal point of view:

First, it seems that her friendship is very important and beneficial to you, to both of you. So I would say that... it's a value that is worth to be "protected", so... it's natural that you don't want to risk and tell her about your new feelings. Take this just as my personal opinion, please: I wouldn't do it. You seem too confused about it all and... what if you find out that it was all only a temporary confusion and you don't want to have "a love affair" with her? ...

Second, I mostly hope it will not become a kind of "obsession" to you: I mean... becoming too focused on these doubts and analysing extensively your feelings might make it all more difficult. On the other hand, it's surely good not to suppress it and communicate about it here - this can help you to clarify your own thoughts and also... writing about our issues in this kind and friendly environment is a very useful "vent" and can sometimes prevent the "obsession" :) resulting from only having all the thoughts enclosed in one's mind.

So... I would suggest to wait and not to feel a pressure "to find out as soon as possible what it all means". (I repeat; just my opinion.)

I'm sorry I wrote so much but didn't tell a lot - how typical :o... I hope at least something seems "useful" to you...

And I have a short comment to Allan's post:

You report that you have fallen in love twice in your life and it ended after a couple of weeks.

Sorry, I don't want to "point at" mistakes, I just want to say that this probably refers to this sentence

after about a week or two of dating those guys I found myself very uninterested in any other guy I would see...

which I don't understand as telling "it ended after a couple of weeks". So irata probably hasn't the problem with relationships that Allan mentioned. However, I think, irata, that answering Allan's questions, at least for your own, could be useful :)

Edited by LaLa3
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Thanks for reading and responding... To answer some questions...

I don't think I have a problem staying involved... One of my first relationships lasted almost a decade!... The second time I fell in love I was BEYOND heart broken when I was told it was over... And since then (a little over a year ago) I have been terrified to fancy someone enough to consider something as serious as "love"... but now I find myself in something more than a crush... but it seems crazy to use the word love... Of course I love my friend, but to use the version of romantic love seems... scary?.... I'm not really sure what to tell you about me that would be helpful... I guess I function better with more direct questioning...

Yes LaLa, your interpretation of my words is accurate, not Allen's.

So yeah... until recently, analyzing my feelings has been quite the obsession... but now that I am "talking" about it, it's getting less infectious. I am almost enjoying .... hmmm... how to explain?.. I am enjoying just spending time with her... I think I am getting a different thing out of our time together than she might be.... I guess I just have that warm feeling when I say something that really makes her laugh... more so than with a different friend... And I'm enjoying that feeling for what it is, a good feeling, rather than trying to categorized everything... And yeah, as much as I would love to figure my head out asap, I am in to rush. I'm not going anywhere, and if she decides to date someone, then it will make it easy for me once again cause I can't allow myself to have feelings for an attached person...

Thanks for telling me your story Jai, This is actually not the first time I've found myself having a crush on a girl... I mean, a crush that brings with it the desire to kiss and hold her... I've never acted on these kinds of feelings before, because I'm not gay.... soooo.... yeah... that's why I'm trying to avoid defining things... cause, I think... having fantasies about women is definitely a clue that my sexuality is something other than straight and narrow... But I spent so much of my life in one relationship, that I didn't even have time to test the waters... So, now that I am free to do as I please... I have a lot more confusion than before.

So... yeah... I'm still questioning, and still thinking... But I'm not freaking out as much as I was before... just trying to enjoy the good times, cause there have been sooooo many of those lately, and many of them involve her... I sound so crazy now... I think I'm gonna put myself to bed before I stay up all night "day dreaming"

Thanks again for reading and responding... Talking to people is helpful.

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But I'm not freaking out as much as I was before... just trying to enjoy the good times, cause there have been sooooo many of those lately, and many of them involve her... I sound so crazy now... I think I'm gonna put myself to bed before I stay up all night "day dreaming"

Doesn't sound crazy :) Enjoy the good times - that's a good attitude! :);)

Talking to people is helpful.

I'm glad you feel it too :).

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  • 4 weeks later...

Well, believe or not it's actually very common for people of a heterosexual orientation to become attracted to a transgender, in your case one who looks like a woman. So maybe you are still heterosexual, maybe you will decide you are bisexual. Either way, it's not going to change who you are as a person and it shouldn't matter.

More importantly I think though, it seems that your problem really arises in commitment. You said you've only fallen in love twice. So obviously that's not a common thing for you. The problem may be that you're questioning why you're falling in love with someone that you see as strange or foreign, and are now questioning yourself as a person and not just your sexuality. Just because the person is transgender, doesn't mean they aren't a person. Love is love right. If things work out between you two, it shouldn't matter what anyone thinks.

Best wishes

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