Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Standing Up and Saying Stop


GrodaFabler
 Share

Recommended Posts

It can sometimes be a good thing to write things down.

I’ve tried posting something like this on the internet some years ago, as a child, when my father died from me. Plus 4 other family members too, and I went into very rough times. Though this is not, by any means, even near as severe or serious as other events in my life, I would still like to share, and get some other peoples eyes on this, and maybe get some support.

I hope you are up for a bit of reading ..

I did try to shorten it down the best I could, though that didn’t seem to succeed very well. :(

Parton any faulty English, and other nonsense that may occur. Trying my best.

I am going to be very open and honest, or else there will be no point to this.

Some time ago I went to a short, 10 months class. There weren’t really any people that ‘fitted’ with me, and the place didn’t really either, so I quickly saw the class, as a period and a place where I could focus on school. I did meet some people there. I met a girl, and though there weren’t much we had in common (We both liked some things romantic, but I think in very different ways), we did talk, and did become friends. Probably because there really weren’t any other. We weren’t the best of friends. More like ‘Nice weather friends’, ‘Class mates friends’, which you now and then would see, stay at and talk to, outside of class. She had some other friends she talked to, and another person who was her best friend, and so.

I soon learned that she was very obsessed with a famous actor, and therefore also all the movies he was in, especially one in particular, (which I too, think is a really beautiful, touching movie, like many people do). I didn’t think, and do not think there was anything wrong with that, by itself. I do not for my self find such extreme obsessions comfortable or interesting, but I think, that if it makes another one happy and comfortable, then it is completely fine for them to have something to be interested in for themselves. I think being a fan of someone or something is completely great and very nice and good. It is important to have something you like and care about.

I think she somewhat quickly picked up, that I am a bit of a caretaker and people pleaser. I really feel joy to try and help and make other feel better, perhaps getting a bit motivated. Which ‘fitted’ somewhat with how she would act.. at least for her benefit. I also think my attitude towards life on some point (when I’m feeling alright) maybe, could be, a bit refreshing.

She was very in to the whole celebrity, gossip, Hollywood glamour, movie and sing stars, and particular movies which had actors she was interested in, in them. Not so much the stories, which I like. I love movies, like most people. Some movies or stories are very close to my heart. Some more then others, like most people. But I was never overly fascinated with all that glamour and Hollywood Celebrities and gossip. I didn’t mind that she would talk about her idol, or what reminded her about so, every time we where together. And I gladly replied or listened. That did not bother me. I though, if it makes her happy to talk about that, and I don’t mind, then let her. She would wish to become a famous sing star or a famous actor, and even though she probably knew, that at the moment she wasn’t the best singer, or she hadn’t much experience with acting, I would always encourage her to practise, get better and better and follow her dreams no matter what. It’s important that you follow your dreams! I think, she, and everyone can do it and become excellent, by their passion and will to do something.

I also love to sing, like so many song birds out there.

Though I am quite shy about it, but have gotten better at not being so.

I was also a reluctant to sing and show/play more complex, beautiful melodies on the piano, because I did found it uncomfortable for others to get slightly irritated and with undertones of jealousy, like she would.

She never seemed genuinely interested in what was going on with me, or my feelings on the matter. And my introverted nature didn’t make me force enough through, to just start blabbing about myself. She would very often complain about how hard life was or had been, or what annoyed her, or her problems. And often mention openly her really bad self esteem, and nervousness and difficulties to trust others, (and other things that, I suppose now, would get my empathetic side running). It didn’t bother me that much. I guess I found it a little saddening, the complaining and the self pity of many day to day things, and tried to cheer her up and make her feel better. Motivate her to get moving and not feel so bad about these day to day things. I think many people have more or less bad self esteem, are nervous about some things and can have a hard time trusting others. Me defiantly included.. but I don’t know how much she picked that up..

She never really new anything about me. She new the practical, superficial things, and a few things I had to point out. She seemed to have enough going on with concerning about herself, and I would have a hard time opening up, while she was talking and concerning about herself, and I would just talk to her on the level she pleased. I never felt like she was someone I could defy in, (maybe because she never seemed really interested, or likely to handle that deep information properly and with care), or share my pain, hurt, troubles, what I’ve been trough, or my sensitive, emotion, romantic side, which is a big part of me. And because of that, I would commonly share some practical knowledge or other light things, and she seemed be satisfied and definitely not wanting for anything else, and ‘get’ enough from and that.

I think she quite liked having me as a friend for my help with schoolwork and learning, a listening ear, and cheering up and support.

I think the things that kept me in the friendship so far, were the comforting note, that there was at least someone at school, trying to be more social and friendly and the joy I got from helping.

And she was mostly quite friendly.. but never really very deeply considerate , or truly interested in me or my feelings, and didn’t treat me okay.

(I have encountered people who haven’t treated me more or less okay before, and this was then also one of them)

Then a few months after the class was over and done, I encountered and found out something.

She had the idea that she should/it was okay for her to control and decide if others could watch a specific movie. And those that she new, should report to her, if they wanted to watch a movie, and then she should be okay with it, and give permission. (Especially those with her idol, or things that had to do with her idol). If they didn’t, they would automatically ‘betray’ her, and become bad friends, and she would get hurt and mad.

I felt like she wanted to control my personal freedom, and basic human right to do things that everybody is allowed to do. To decrease my personal rights. Like she had very poor to no respect for me. To her, friend should have less basic freedom, than strangers. That felt, sounded and was so wrong to me. Nobody controlled my own freedom, than me. And nobody should. That is how it is. And for another, even someone I had known for quite awhile now, and helped and been kind to, to even trying or wanting to try to decrease it, hurt me so much.

So I decided to confront her, and say it to her. I’m very sensitive and quite shy, but I can, when it is needed, find a lot of inner strength, to do the right things.

So, the first time I brought it up, I explained things very gentle, soft, calmly and kind. That it was something everyone decided from themselves, and that it was public ‘property’, that everybody had an equal right to decide and watch for themselves, regardless of anyone else, and so on. To my kindly explanation and attempt to be heard, she got quite annoyed and irritated at me, and even a little bit angry. I felt like she tried to just ‘wipe me off’. And I really felt like she didn’t listen. She said that, oh, she new people had rights.. but with everything else she said and showed, it really seemed like she then didn’t entirely get the meaning of that. I asked if she had thought of seeing it from my and others perspective, she said she hadn’t really, but now when she did, she could not see a problem.

(Continued in next post)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(Continued from previously)

I then tried to ask into why she felt like she needed to control others, and why it was so important for her, even though I think I new.

She, still quite annoyed, said that it was something nice and romantic, and it kind of came and made her feel better and got her away from things, in times she was down. And therefore she needed to know and decide if others could or could not.

And I thought, many feel like that, I think me included. But that didn’t mean that it was alright to control others freedom. That is something so important and basic in the lives of people.

She seemed to be wanting all that movie, romantic comedy, Hollywood glamour life, that where sown in the movies. I think everybody has by one or another movie been fascinated or liked what the movie had in it and/or stood for, and found it very nice, and would like something like it. That is one of the reasons movies/stories are here for, (don’t you think?) Tickle our minds, imagination and emotions. Love. Romance. Being brave enough to take a leap. Haven’t you?

I tried to make her feel better about the situation by telling her, that nobody stole anything from her, and she still had everything by herself in her own way, like everybody does. She just got more annoyed and angry with me..

I felt really pushed away, and like she didn’t care what I felt, only what she wanted. All this made me feel so sad and bad. Like she did not care for others feelings, and victimizing herself, and taking things, like she was the one being betrayed, when I felt so strongly that I where also betrayed and wronged. But I don’t think she could see that.

There are also things that I am very interested and into, and that are very personal and close to me, but if it was open for the masses and everyone’s free right to enjoy, I would never try and decrease other peoples personal and humane freedom to be able to do as the rest. That is what I found so hurtful and disrespectful. And even more so, calling another a bad friend or person for not being okay to have his personal freedom minimized, and saying no.

After a couple of months of very intense thinking, of how I should approach all this, (so much it made me quite ill), I decided that I needed to say very direct, “No, stop, you’re hurting me and are making me feel bad, this is not something you can control, and this is not okay”. Trying to express things, so she would, at least somewhat, understand and not just victimizing herself too much or ‘wipe me off’ again. I could and should not go under her controlling, people-decreasing terms, so I had to say strictly No, and then see how she took it, and take it from there.

Her attitude the last times had made me even more reluctant to share or express my feelings of hurt with her, so I tried the best I could to express my hurt, without sharing too much of my deepest feelings.

I started out calm, but strict and direct, focused on what I wanted to get trough.

Telling, my right to not share what I was going to watch, and she could not decide such, also movie with her idol. I would only tell her, if I felt like I wanted to share that with her. I had never been okay with that, and would not. It was not okay, to do so. And she could not control such.

She did not seem understand that. After awhile she kept saying the same thing again and again, and I replied the same ting again and again, with slight variations. She said, that it was ‘only’ one thing she asked of me, and she didn’t see why I wouldn’t do so. I replied that, it might be ‘one thing’, but that one thing was a very basic, important and very big ting (that had roots in multiple important things), and what she wanted me to, was to set my own freedom and basic control of my free will aside, which where completely out of the question, and nothing that could or should happen, or be controlled by anyone else. And I was really disappointed with her to wanting to control my freedom, and then associating it with me being a bad friend to put up very basic personal boundaries. And that I found that another person trying to decrease another ones personal freedom just because they new each other, did not seem to me, to be something a good friend would do. I got after a while quite frustrated with her not understanding or listening to me, and not respecting me, and constantly saying the same thing over, and me needing to reply the same thing, to make her understand, and got a bit more strict in my tone. She said I was being really hurtful, and I was disappointing too. And being a bad friend. When I didn’t bend, she started to cry. It was like she really tried to victimize herself again.. when I felt so much I was the one being ill treated. I knew that I should not cry. First of all because I didn’t feel very comfortable with sharing my emotions with her, especially after all this, and secondly, because I needed to stay direct to get my point across. She said that this was about her feelings, and feeling of security, and I said strict and hurt, that this was also my feelings! And defiantly my feeling of security too, to know that I have my personal freedom and rights! To not have others toggling or wanting to control my personal freedom and rights!

She said that she would not change, and in a self pitying way, said she had been trying to change herself her whole life, (I think again something to try and get the empathetic side running) and I said, that I had not at any time asked her to change, just nobody, none, could control anybody’s personal, ground-basic freedom. Like I haven’t tried to change for the most part of my life? Most people have at some point tried to change for some sake! Weren’t the impossibly things she wanted me to, to change some insanely big part of me? But she apparently could not see that..

I did not know what would happen now. I said we could call each other in a little while.

She called me the next day, and was quite angry. She started the whole thing over again, with asking and saying the same things over and over again, like before, and I got really confused and a frustrated with her now doing that again. I explained to her the same things again a couple of times.

And she got quite angry, and I then also got strict in my tone.

And I saw that this would just continue constantly, with her saying the same thing over and over, and me needing to reply the same thing again and again, and said that there really wasn’t anything more to say right now, and then ended the conversation.

After a couple of months we shortly spoke again. In that time I for sure knew, that it wouldn’t be any good for any of this to continue. I calmly and kindly said, I did not find it very nice or comfortable to be with a person that would so like to control others and treat other like so. And being with someone who had so much against, me not liking that. There would come none nice out of that. I also said that it is just fine to have different opinions. My Mother also would not like me to be with a person like that. She wanted to continue to be friend (very likely because I had been so nice to her), but I said and knew that it really would not be any fun for any of us, which she somewhat could see a little point to.

I am quite proud of myself, to have stand up for my self, and told another person no, when things got out of hand and where not alright. I have done such before, but not exactly in this way.

I am a sensitive and empathetic, and sympathetic person. And I have always been very fair and kind and merciful and thoughtful. Thinking too much of other persons situation, than my own. And I have learned, that in my head, it is a big ‘no-no’, to make other feel worse. Sometimes it can almost make my head run so fast and almost burn out, and in some situations, not serve me very well. But luckily, it is mostly does good for me. :(

Like everybody else, I will very likely encounter more, more or less not nice things, and deal with such, like everybody else. That is a part of life. No one should be with people who makes them feel bad, sad and ill, wants to overpower them, and feel like less. I think, to what others may have encountered, this isn’t very bad. And also to what I have encountered before in my lifetime, this does not even measure. It’s sometimes important to write things down. Writing can be a therapy of its own. And sometimes let other people see.

I would like, id it was possible, some support and others eyes on the matter. I would like to be a good person, and a good friend..

Thank you all so much and kindly for taking your time to read this.

I always knew and know that no one control my freedom and rights, than me, I just got it verified again.

Sincerely - GrodaFabler.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...