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Asexual and Genderqueer


AllOver
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The realization hit me pretty hard over the past two months, and it's sort of odd how tough it has been on me. I'm not quite sure if it's because it adds more to my life abnomalities or if it's because it's a shock that I hadn't hit the realization sooner.

I've spent my youth with short unfullfilling relationships (Until my most recent and longest (Still lasting) relationship in a confuzed sort of haze. The true issue I always hit was the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, at all. I've fallen head over heels plenty of times, with two longer relationships out of the entire mess. One with a girl I grew up with (Who finally came forth to her friends as identifying as male.) and the man I had my soon to be one year old son with, and am still with.

Obviously I've had intercourse, but it was really never physically pleasing, more so the fact that it was pleasing to someone I loved for who they were then anything. The concept is just seeping in still, and it really doesn't change much of anything with my relationship...but it still feels different recognizing it.

The second part of this is my gender...which has been this way for as long as I can remember. I settled on the term gender queer because I shift, I never feel one way about my gender for very long. I generally feel neutral or evenly divided with an occasional tilt towards a specific gender. I honestly feel odd being called 'Mama' by my son, not that 'Dada' would be any better, it's just very attatched to a gender and even 'she' and 'her' has been getting to me as of late.

I've been rather outwardly feminine lately, but I'm not feeling comfortable with it anymore, but I've been having my son more so in mind with this one. I mean, I've never heard of or met anyone who feels this way, who feels male for a time, female for a time, nothing for a while, or bits of both. The shifts don't make me unhappy, actually it makes me more happy then most things do.

To stop doing this seems more damaging to me then helpful, but what about my son? My family had always been very non-concerned with it, to them it must have seemed like 'phases' but to me it's different, it's being who I feel I am.

I don't know if I'm looking for someone who can relate or if I just want some clarification on what to do with this situation. I don't know if there are books on this, especially targeted towards parenting, or even groups for this. I guess I'm just sort of looking for general help on the subject. Thanks, anyone.

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Guest GingerSnap

I'm no expert and I can't really identify but it is good that you are reaching out. What might thought was is how is the rest of your life? Aside from this feeling about gender, what is your life like? Friends? Hobbies? Activities? Or, is there a general not fitting in that is happening that maybe is making you focus on this uncomfortable gender issue? I was thinking, is it like sort of a "fog" that you are in and not making contact with what is around you - that is how I would feel with what you described - detached? That was just the thoughts that I had and I am sure you will get some support and guidance here.

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I have a good many friends, all very caring and supportive, as well as my family who is pretty much the same. The real problem is Ireally only have one friend who would be easier to talk about things with comparativly, but it's still tough. It honestly is easier foor me to talk to strangers then it is people I care for, I guess I could be always a bit subconciously concerned with effecting them oddly.

I have a good few hobbies, but they all keep me pretty distant and are pretty much things you do alone. My activities tend to be work, baby, a bit of exerxise and a small bit of a social life.

In a sense I've always been sort of detached, more so concerned with the people around me and how they will react. I also have what I'd compare to a commitment issue with things like interests and long term goals (Never had it with people, oddly enough.).

The reflecting on Gender issues really sort of popped out at me, I've been a little more seperated from people for a while (Not completely, but my therapist advised a break from some of my high stressers while my meds get back on track.) so a lot of the time it's just men and my thoughts.

I am curious however if I didn't start really thinking of it quite so actively if I would have swapped my gende preference easier. My 'asexuality' isn't as much of a problem as it is weird to figure out, especially after a good many years figuring out 'what I want', which turns out to be romantic activities that don't really need sex.

I dunno if any of that helped your questions or not, haha.

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Guest GingerSnap

I was really just trying to help you clarify the issue and not meaning to pry. Yes, it can be hard to discuss "unusual" issues with friends but, you'll find out really quick who your real friends are. Too often, they just try to brush it off not because they don't care but because it makes them uncomfortable. Well, at least you have a therapist to talk to and I hope that is helping. It just seems that so many people suffer these days - life is hard, especially hard now. No one or nothing fits the standard for "normal" anymore. I hope that you are feeling better. I know a one year old can be very draining and demanding - yeah, I know the "joy" of parenthood but it doesn't leave much "me" time either. I guess ultimately, is the issue the sexuality or your life in general that is getting you down. I hope you have been checked out for medical issues also. Once, I found the neatest article about sexuality and the many normal variances that existed - this was a medical article and if you like, I might be able to locate that (I'll see if I can find it tomorrow). I cannot imagine that you are the only one that feels this way. It is good that you are talking about it though.

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Thanks Gingersnap. It's also not prying, I'm generally pretty open about my life. And yeah, mommy of a one year old is pretty tough, but he's so cute it's totally worth the hardships. ;]

Though I think the lack of 'me' time may be the reason my mind is wandering in to such mentally demanding subjects when I -do- get it. Who knows though!

Also, the medical article would be very much appreciated. c:

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Guest GingerSnap

Don't think I have forgot you. I am looking for the article still. What is so bad, is you get so much trash when googling "sexuality types" so, on a forum where I post a lot, I know I put a link there so I will go through those and try to find it. What I liked about it was that it was more like science, biology of it all and the variations were, well, just not the stuff you see on the surface. It was a neat article and I should have bookmarked it. Hopefully I can track it down. ***EDIT: I found it! http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/917990-overview I just thought this article was really good!

Edited by GingerSnap
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