I hate myself

[TimWake993]

For the first 10 years or so of my life, i was perfectly normal. Went to school, had lots of friends, played outside, etc. Then something happened which probably changed my life for ever, my grandmother was diagnoses with ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), a terminal disease. I don't want to go into detail on it, but basically it leads to a progressive atrophy of every muscle in the body, including respiratory muscles and the heart. There is no cure for it and most patients die 2-3 years after diagnosis. Its not the diagnosis that affected me that much, but the fact that my mother decided that she should come live with us following the diagnosis, so i witnessed her passing away in front of my own eyes: first she lost control of her arms, then it was the legs, she lost all mobility and had to be put in a wheelchair. The she broke down completely mentally, she would cry and scream almost every day, one night i went to the seaside with her (we lived 2 blocks from the beach) and she told me to push her into the water...eventually she couldn't speak anymore, and could only eat liquid food, and about 2 years after the diagnosis she passed away. And that wasn't even it. My grandmother was a poet and a composer, so when she couldn't write anymore, she would ask me to sit down with her and write down her poems on the computer. But at the time i was 11-12 years old, i didn't truly understand that she had months left to live, i thought that she would heal and everything would go back to normal. I was impatient and self-centered, like any young kid. After some time i got tired of helping her compose her poems, i got tired of helping her with her disabilities, i didn't want to see it anymore, i wanted my life to go back to normal.

After she passed away, i totally changed. I shut myself from the outside world. I stopped going outside, i stopped seeing my friends. I became shallow, scared and socially inept. In school i was like a beaten dog, i would sit down in a corner of the classroom and pray that no one would bother or talk to me. And when someone did, i would get terrified and answer with a quick Yes/No answer. A year after my grandmother passed away, we moved to a different city, so i lost whatever friends i still had. And i couldn't make any new ones in my new school. I became a social reject. Not only that but i lost all ambition, i didn't care about anything anymore. I stopped studying, i stopped doing homework and let my grades slip to the point that i needed summer classes to get through high school. But i didn't care. Its like i was in a boat on a river, letting myself be carried by the stream, not trying to change its direction and not caring where i would end up. And with my parents things weren't easy either, i would constantly fight with them over all kinds of things. They would ground me, i would tell them that i hated them and wanted to go live on my own. When my little brother was born when i was 16 years old, i didn't even care. I told my mom i didn't want a brother and even to this point never took care of him.

And that's pretty much the way life has been for me these past 5-6 years. Now i am 18 and nothing changed. I feel disgusted. I hate myself for who i became, i hate myself for not being able to overcome my difficulties. I hate myself for not being normal and i hate the world for screwing me up like that. I feel like i want to become a brand new person, and put my past behind me. Forget ALL about it and never think about it again.

That feeling is so strong that it developed a new disorder in me, i would pick a random date on the calendar, and say to myself: "on this day, i would become a brand new person, and i will forget EVERYTHING about my past". And i would prepare for that day, i would lay down a list of values i would adopt on that day (like being more helpful with my little brother, working hard in college...) and try and prepare mentally for it. It probably sounds absolutely crazy, but i really do want to change everything about me this much. But either way, it didn't work, every time i would try and become a "brand new person" i just wouldn't feel quite right about it. Its like i am haunted by the ghost of my past. Its really hard to explain how i feel right now...but its like there is a "barricade" that prevents me from moving forward as the person that i am now, i feel like i NEED to be different and put what's happened behind me, but i just cannot forget it just like that. But i also feel like I've gone as far as i can go as the person that i am now, with all the thoughts and memories that i have locked in my mind, i feel like i need to radically change every little thing about my life, but i can't muster the mental strength to do it. I am completely lost and don't know what to do.

Thanks to all those that read, all advice is very much appreciated.

[IrmaJean]

Tim, I'm sorry that you've been struggling so much. The experience with your grandmother sounds as though it may have been traumatic and overwhelming for you. Were you offered support by family members during this time? I can only imagine the feelings you were experiencing and the impact this must have had on you. Have you ever had the opportunity to discuss your feelings around your grandmother's illness and death?

Its like i am haunted by the ghost of my past. Its really hard to explain how i feel right now...but its like there is a "barricade" that prevents me from moving forward as the person that i am now' date=' i feel like i NEED to be different and put what's happened behind me, but i just cannot forget it just like that. [/quote']

Maybe it would be helpful to express your feelings about both the past and the present. What do you think? Working through your concerns might help you to move forward with helping yourself. Do you have any support at home? Is there a school counselor you might speak with?

Take care of yourself, Tim.

[TimWake993]

Thanks for replying:)

I don't have any support right now, mostly because i actually feel fine most of the time...i can't say that i am depressed, there just seems to be this huge battle going on inside of me.

Its like there is a part of me that wants to completely forget the past, and become a totally brand new person, as i explained in my opening post.

And then there's an another part of me, that wants me to just be myself.

I don't really know how to explain how i am feeling. I guess what i'm trying to say, is that because of everything that i went through in my life, i am very uncomfortable in my own skin. I want to forget the past, and i want to become a better person, a new person. But it doesn't seem like i have the mental strength to do it.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Why do you think someone who always helps out and respects others is better?

Sure, it sounds like great virtues. But it also sounds like you want to get rid of "self" cause someone convinced you that you're not acceptable as you are.

I think it was a good thing to not get into more of a carer role for your grandmother, because old people do frequently become nasty and given that she asked you to kill her, I'd say she wasn't even safe to be around 12 year olds at all. I wish you didn't regret keeping yourself safe, just because you "ought to respect people who are going to die more than they respect you." I wonder if that happened to you a lot. It seems similar to have a baby brother. It can be difficult to care about your life, when everyone just expects you to care about theirs. Take care.

[TimWake993]

Why do you think someone who always helps out and respects others is better?

Sure, it sounds like great virtues. But it also sounds like you want to get rid of "self" cause someone convinced you that you're not acceptable as you are.

I think it was a good thing to not get into more of a carer role for your grandmother, because old people do frequently become nasty and given that she asked you to kill her, I'd say she wasn't even safe to be around 12 year olds at all. I wish you didn't regret keeping yourself safe, just because you "ought to respect people who are going to die more than they respect you." I wonder if that happened to you a lot. It seems similar to have a baby brother. It can be difficult to care about your life, when everyone just expects you to care about theirs. Take care.

I don't know. I guess its my "idealistic" views of what a good person is meant to do. Shouldn't everyone try to help out others in need?

It is very true that someone convinced me that i needed to change, but i feel like that person is ME. There is constantly a little voice inside of me that says i need to be different. I don't know, the core of my problems might be my lack of self-esteem, but how can i work on that feeling so lost and confused already?

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Should everyone try to help others in need no matter what's the cost? No.

I tried to challenge your view about having been self-centered and impatient, which you think was bad, by suggesting a different view in which that was good and necessary. It's not like I was there, the point is more that I believe some judgements deserve questioning. With a low self esteem you're not a very good advocate for yourself. I hope you feel better soon.

Sorry, if I'm barking on the wrong tree. I fear I'm too opinionated at the moment.