I Can't Keep It Up

[Username1234]

BTW sorry for the longass post I just wanted to cover everything, this has been going on for a while! This was copy/pasted from my introduction forum and I've been too embarrassed to actually start a discussion about it but lately this has been driving me insane - I was seeing this girl for a short period and we tried having sex like 7 times and it just never happened because of this. I feel terrible about it and am becoming scared to have women over for fear that this happens.

Anyways, I'm here because I've actually come a pretty long way in terms of my psychological issues. I used to have a lot of depression and dependence issues WRT other people, didn't really have a high self-esteem and wasn't really that social outside of my small group of friends. I've really been working on it over the past few years and I think I've managed to overcome that for the most part. I'm really outgoing now, love meeting new people and actually have a pretty good success rate with girls (except, well you'll see).

The reason I'm here though is because of some sexual issues that I've had for as long as I can remember and I think is pretty much the source of all of my stress nowadays. I should probably start at the beginning.

Growing up I was kind of the outcast in school. I was made fun of and whatnot, but always managed to have a group of friends. However, I didn't actually have any kind of relationship with a girl until 8th-9th grade, which is a few years into becoming "active" (not in the "having sex" sense, obviously).

Anyways, prior to that I would obviously masturbate, but because of my alienation from girls and my social rejection I turned to the internet. I'm 23, so I grew up in the hey day of AOL chat rooms. I somehow ended up starting talking to guys on there (obviously much older). Nothing came of it, but I think that's where my problems started. These guys were obviously basically pedophiles trying to get me to do stuff for them and whatnot. I never met up with any of them or took photos or anything like that, but would talk about sex a lot with them and they'd send me photos of themselves, that kind of stuff. This went on for a long time, and around this time I also started watching (straight) porn. I was doing this pretty often. Over the years it turned into like a nightly routine where I'd play "truth or dare" with guys over the internet.

My (guy) friend and I actually around that time (7th grade?) started playing truth or dare together and masturbating together and it basically culminated in him daring me to give him a blowjob, which I did and I enjoyed.

Fast forward a few years later when I met a guy off Craigslist and we had an ongoing thing where it was just like a friends with benefits situation, but I sort of treated it like I was going over there for his pleasure. It turned out to be a completely normal guy, which is good, but just illustrates how I treat this whole obsession I have.

So now everybody that's read this by now is thinking "great, he's gay/bi". But I'm really not. I'm not really attracted to guys. I don't check guys out or evaluate them like that. I'm not interested in kissing guys or having relationships with them. And I'm not confused at all about this, I'm extremely comfortable with homosexuality/bisexuality so it wouldn't phase me at all if I was one of those.

I've thought about it for years, and the best that I can manage out of this confusion is that I'm straight, but with a fetish for being dominated by guys? I don't know if that makes sense.

I watch porn a lot. I used to watch it daily, gave it up for a bit, then once a week or a few times a week and now I'm basically back to every other day or so. I never masturbate without watching porn. When I watch porn I watch straight porn or lesbian porn, but when I'm watching straight porn I sometimes like to think that I'm the girl (not a girl, just the one in the film being dominated by the guy - I'm not transgendered).

ANYWAYS, that's all just back story to the real problem, which is that I have trouble maintaining an erection when having sex. My first girlfriend that I mentioned earlier, I only ever kissed (we broke up in 9th grade). My next girlfriend I went out with for 2 years (11th grade to freshman in college). I did everything with her but have sex. We tried having sex but when it came time to penetrate I went soft.

Short background about my relationships: The two above both dumped me. The first devastated me as a child, which looking back now just seems like it was silly (we're actually good friends now, and I don't have feelings for her beyond that friendship). The second messed me up seriously for about a year because I basically put my life into her and she just dumped me and found another guy in like a week. After I managed to get myself together (actually was only about 70% over my ex) I ended up going out with a girl for 2 1/2 years that I didn't even really have feelings for (found this out when I dumped her and realized that I didn't have any urge to talk to her ever again).

She's the one I first had sex with. It took us a ton of tries and a bunch of lube before we succeeded, but once I did we had a pretty good success rate (though I never changed positions for fear of going soft the moment I pull it out).

Since then I've been with a few girls and have had an abysmal success rate (with penetration, not with getting them home ). Most of the time I can get a complete erection and maintain it until it comes time to putting on a condom and/or penetrating, then it just goes completely limp and nothing gets it back up again! I thought it might be the condom but I even tried having unprotected sex with a girl on the pill and the exact same thing happened!

So it's definitely psychological. I don't know how much of the above back story has to do with this but I feel like if I stopped watching porn and masturbating it would help but not totally because of how messed up my sex life has been since the start. I don't know if I have an addiction to porn which is causing me to find women in real life less attractive, or if it's just simple stage fright, or if it's stage fright linked to deep psychological issues or what.

I also feel like I have a small penis, though don't really obsess over it consciously and know that based on studies I'm just averagely sized. Don't know if that has to do with anything either.

I've gotten over all of my social anxiety and my depression and everything else and I feel like this is the only real sticking point in my life, the only thing really holding me back right now, and I don't know how to change it or fix it. The only thing I could think of is going to the doctor and getting some Viagra to help me lose the anxiety, but if it's tied to something deeper than I don't know what to do.

tl;dr version: I can't keep it up, don't know why and it's ruining my life.

[Username1234]

BTW I've decided to stop masturbating for like a month and looking at porn completely and see if that helps but I'm worried that it won't, as even if I have a strong erection it always goes down when it comes time to penetrate (even during morning sex).

I was also sort of seeing this girl a few weeks ago, and thought I was getting over it, because I could have sex with her and never had a single problem, but then I had another girl over after (the one I tried having sex with 7 times) and it didn't work at all.

I've cut caffeine out of my diet, work out regularly and eat really healthy. I'm also considering cutting alcohol out of my diet for a while.

[JaiJai]

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[Jack's Smirking Revenge]

You're putting too much pressure on yourself. Performance anxiety my friend.

Cutting off the porn is a great start. The problem with porn is that it conditions you to get off to something visual, whereas actual sex is more about the physical sensation and intimacy (even I shuddered after typing that). Not to mention a fist feels a lot different than a wet vagina.

Also, physical timing is everything. The two of you have to be in sync. Well, unless she's one of those girls who just likes to lie there and be used like masturbation device.

Fitness is important too. If you're out-of-shape, start doing some cardio, play a sport, or workout. I know I feel that testosterone rush right after playing a sport or coming back from the gym.

Finally, don't worry so much about being judged during sex. Let yourself go. Breathe. Don't be afraid to talk dirty and let loose the animal in you. As I'm sure you know, girls can say and do all kinds of crazy shit when they're turned on. Don't be afraid to take the lead physically, as JaiJai mentioned.

Oh yeah, and if you're going to pull her hair, do it right, and grab a fistful as close to the roots as possible right above the back of her neck and pull her head back. Then slowly nuzzle, nibble, lick, and bite her neck and earlobe as you whisper dirty things in her ear. She'll love it.

[malign]

Well, honestly, a how-to isn't exactly what we're here to provide ...

I agree that the basic problem is probably in how the OP thinks about sex. I've had periods of impotence, myself, based at least somewhat on how I was treated in my marriage. Yeah, I was fine by myself ...

If it's different with different women, I'd tend to look at how you feel about each one. But don't be surprised if it seems backwards, to you. For instance, some men are less able to perform, the more they like the woman they're with. In a case like that, it makes sense to explore your own feelings about sex, rather than take a pill and ignore it all.

[Jack's Smirking Revenge]

To the OP: One more thing--the more you think about your erection, the harder it'll be to keep one. Stop thinking and just focus on the pleasure. For example, when you're jerking off er I mean masturbating, you don't think to yourself "Am I hard? Am I hard? Am I losing it? Am I shrinking? Oh no I'm losing it. Oh God no not again..." right? The other thing is to minimize the time between erection and penetration (think of that Seinfeld episode with George having trouble with the condom wrappers).

Finally, working out your PC muscle (ie doing kegels) will help when you're tired. Speaking of tired, that may be another factor. Remember to fuck on a full night's sleep! Sometimes a nice, cozy bed can be distracting... to... your... purposes.

[Username1234]

JaiJai thanks for the pep talk but it's already beyond that. This has been happening since the first time I tried having sex.

You're putting too much pressure on yourself. Performance anxiety my friend.

I know and I can't figure out how to knock it off. It's so ingrained in me I don't know how to stop doing it without just taking some viagra.

But don't be surprised if it seems backwards, to you. For instance, some men are less able to perform, the more they like the woman they're with. In a case like that, it makes sense to explore your own feelings about sex, rather than take a pill and ignore it all.

Yes, that's why I'm posting here.

Just wondering, how many people actually read my post? These seem to be pretty generic responses to stage fright, I don't know if I'm blowing this out of proportion but I think it might be deeper than that.

[JaiJai]

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[Jack's Smirking Revenge]

Sometimes I wonder if people actually read my posts too. Dude, I don't know how much more specific advice I can give you.

Here's my story.

- Did not even kiss a girl until my mid-20s. Lost virginity to same girl shortly afterwards.

- First time I had sex did not really have any erection problems, but the whole experience wasn't that great. (She came in 2 minutes then rolled over and went to bed a few minutes later).

- Starting dating new girl a few weeks later.

- Slept with new girl (virgin) several months later.

- Didn't have problems getting hard, but would lose my erection shortly after penetration.

- Things are much better now, can go at least 15-20 minutes straight without issues.

Most of my friends had trouble maintaining wood or cumming the first few times they had sex. It's perfectly normal.

Here's what helped me personally get over my problem.

1. Getting enough sleep the night before.

2. Letting myself go (verbally and physically).

3. Cutting down on porn and masturbation.

4. Having sex more regularly (the less frequent it is the more pressure you'll put on it).

5. Trying not to focus so much on whether I'm currently at full erection or not.

6. Kegels (helps during stretch time).

7. Buying condoms that were thinner, and that didn't choke the circulation on my cock.

8. Getting in sync physically with my partner during sex (ie moving in rhythm).

9. Working out.

10. Getting used to the sensation of a vagina.

There's no magic switch in your brain that can suddenly cure impotence. Stop thinking. Just fuck. I really think numbers 2-6 and 8 will help you a lot. Seems like you're reasonably well-adjusted, in-shape, and you know where you stand sexually, so just get some more practice. Heck, even go out and buy something like a fleshlight and practice on that (never used one but heard it's pretty close to the actual feel of a vagina).

And if you want to try the pill, go for it. I'm sure after a few successful marathon sessions (pill-induced or not) you'll have the confidence you need. Think of it as training wheels to get back on track. I think going to a shrink would be a waste of time for this specific issue. Sometimes what you think is causing your problem is not that at all. My point is, not everything is necessarily caused my some deep-rooted psychological issue. Sometimes the answer is much simpler (and easier) than that.

[flander]

Heck, even go out and buy something like a fleshlight and practice on that (never used one but heard it's pretty close to the actual feel of a vagina).

heh. I'll have to take their word on that. I wouldn't be able to describe what an 'actual feel of a vagina' was if my life depended on it. The only thing I can remember was my dick was wet.

[Username1234]

Probably gonna try the Cialis route and if that doesn't work go Viagra. If that doesn't work I think it'll be time to see a counselor.