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a bad cocktail [triggering?]


Darkness
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I survived a suicide attempt two months ago. I live alone now. My mother is a heartless bitch who drove me to suicide and then made it all about her and how it would hurt her at work and she didn’t want to take me to a hospital cause’ she knows people there and she threatened the cops if I didn’t go. I blackmailed the bitch.

Now I live alone. I’m a Satanist. Satan is not a god of weakness. He is the human essence and group conciousness that premenates the Universe. Linith is the female aspect of mankind. I think YWYH is a liar and wants to enslave others to feed off their energies. My mom virtually disowned me for de-converting from Christianity and says offensive things like ‘if so and so dies don’t use their bodies for rituals’ and ‘don’t kill any virigins’ That cunt likes to insult me I think. Even the Bible, as false as it is with a lot of things about Satan, still paints a prettier picture than her pop culture idea of satan.

Satan and Lucifer have shown me through catharsis rituals how to rid myself of this hate and lust, but what I thought was a gallon, turns out to be an entire pool. Now the valve is too small and it comes out more and more. Last time I had a break it lasted a while, but something hit. Now it comes out constantly.

I find women less threatening. I’m scared of men, they scream and yell and beat me. My step dad abandoned me, and my father was controlling, and now we are only trying to reconnect. My father is a fundamentalist.

I hate the Pentecostals I knew, I don't know much about them other than the ones I knew, I don't think all of them could be that bad. At least the fundamentalists I knew were well meaning and good people, even if slightly geared towards homophobia. The Pentacostals I knew were arrogant and bigots. Everything that they didn’t like was of Satan. I checked out Satan cause’ of them. If you knew anything about that school I went to you would know why I think this. I once almost got kicked out because I said I didn’t agree with one thing. I had a teacher there with some kind of power complex, she always had to be right and she was vindictive. They all thought it was the students. Many people left that school cause it was fucked up. It is. That whole place is stuck in a dellusion about the social and official dysfunction that occurs there. Their circulum is fucked up. It’s called “Accelerated Christian Education”, or the PACE system.

Satan would want me to think for myself and embrace my nature, all of it. I’ve had this inside me even when I truly was a christian, though the arbitrary judgment others labeled “fruits” was the placeholder. They said I didn’t have it. I did, I swear, it just didn’t manifest in the way they saw it. I responded to injustice and people being wronged differently then they did. It was the only way I knew how, but my sense of justice made it look like something different. I was abused for so long that standing up for others was the only way. They thought they knew what was in my heart, they were wrong, and now, somewhat right, but the fall didn’t come until after their arrogance and constant judgement. Why try?

I’m a failure and hate to feel helpless like so many people make me do. Feeling powerless and helpless makes me want to cut myself. I seem to have a hard time separating aggression from sex. I freak out when a guy is aggressive with me. It makes me flip out, if an older woman is, it makes me feel mad and wronged, like an unwanted advance. If a girl my age or in her 20’s is aggressive for any reason, I like it.

I realized I need to be selfish more often if I want to survive and not be a failure, being too empathetic and pre-occupied with others made me too weak as I was a ship with holes in it going to rescue people. Now I just want to make a cool battle ship, or air craft carrier!

I don’t know what I want to do, sometimes I wish I had a phone out here so I could call the suicide hotline when I feel scared or alone. I am stealing this internet right now far from my house from someone’s wifi.

I do not know any banishing rituals except the “white Light” visualziation, but it doesn’t help a whole bunch sometimes. I think it may be a Wiccan technique, but it seems to work for me fine. If it is a right hand path technique, it feels weird, as Satanism is on the left-hand path. I use this mostly against the ‘fleeting shadows’ being that I have encountered since I moved in here. It freaks me out. The other spirits I know don’t, but this one does. Maybe it is my dead great aunt and uncle who lived here. They were hardcore Christians I hear.

I’ve been attacked by the fleeting shadows before. It strikes fear in me and I can’t stop screaming until it loses interest and it is satisfied. It hides mostly in doorways and windows, but it NEVER actually enters the ritual room where I perform my Catharsis rites. I need to learn actual dedication rituals and meditation now that I think of it.

I think the fleeting shadows is the thing that followed me around in a similar manner when I was a child. Never in the room per say, in other rooms looking in. It went away when I was a christian, but when I de-converted, I sense more spirits again. Before I was saved I was fascinated by ghosts and the such, now that I am no longer a christian I feel like they are coming back. The average succubus or incubus I don’t have a lot of trouble with (some with incubi, but just because I am not gay), but this being I do. It has a tall langly body and two boney arms from what I sense of him. Different then from when I was a child, were it was a more short and stalky thing I had seen more than once. Perhaps this is a different thing. But I think part of that was my imagination, cause’ of it’s resemblance to something I saw when young.

Also when I was young many nights I saw this cat like eye look down at me from a hole in the ceiling where a lamp was. It wasn’t from a light fixture, it was vividly an eye, looking down and flicking it’s eye everywhere. I wasn’t terribly scared of it though. I am 100% certain it was real though. Some day I want to solve what that was. There used to be a lamp there and from the hole from where the wires were it came out at dusk.

The fleeting shadows I have not actually seen though, I have just sensed him. Unlike the one I saw when I was young, this one KNOWS when I am thinking too much about him. He reeks slightly of light. I think he may be in league with YWYH/Jehovah. With God’s claim that he knows all/knows what we are thinking, it is possible that he or his agents have the ability to read minds to some degree, unlike demons who cannot read our minds. This creature feeds off of fear (the fleeting shadows). He appears when I fear him most.

I can’t have forbidden thoughts or forbidden knowledge, to a Satanist, neither exist. We must decide for ourselves if there is a good reason for something to be taboo. Perhaps I am just in that state right now, deciding taboos and exploring the darkest depth of human nature.

But I have had a lot of anger outburst at small things lately and I have been off anti depressants for 2 weeks now and only barely getting back on other meds cause I am freaked out I can’t afford anything. Getting my G.E.D. is taking time AND THIS FUCKING SONG IS SKIPPING ON MY COMPUTER! FUCK FUCK FUCK!11!

Im going to kill someone [figure of speech] if this doesn’t stop skipping, fuck! Anyway, I am poor right now and not getting much cash. I’m concerned because I am getting a lot of the elements of serial killers, and have had to eliminate guilt to eliminate shame about some sexual stuff, and now I am accidentally eliminating some of my conscious. I don’t want people to think that Satanism was a gateway to all this; I was well on my way over a year ago, and for 6 of those months I was agnostic.

Agonistic->Christian->Gnostic/Agonistic->polytheistic Satanist->Pantheistic Satanist

That’s been my trail with religion, with Christian going on around age 12, gnostic/agonostic at a year to 6 months ago, and the Satanisms being more recent then that.

Perhaps my new religon’s aspect of embracing all of human nature came at bad timing, or perhaps I just need to figure everything out and I’m in a defining state as a new Satanist mixed in with the fact that I am in a unstable period in my life, or maybe it is just mental illness.

It could be like I’ve been warned, I have not done proper openings and closings when going in and out of altered states of consciousness. I have been told doing that can be very bad for your mental health. I guess I will need to learn the ‘basic banishing rite of the dark lord’, or whatever it is called. It acts as a kind of “firewall” for the spiritual/asteral world, keeping out unwanted energies. Perhaps I have been accidentally misdirecting all my energies/charkas, and it is causing me to feel worse and have weird experiences, making this all the result of a practitioner’s error.

Which one do you guys think it is? I think it’s the new Satanist in a defining state of my religion combined with an unstable period of my life, making a bad cocktail of turmoil.

Edited by Darkness
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wait, sorry missed a couple more sentences in there i need to take out [takes them out]. now with the 'hurting ppl thing' out of the way, any thoughts?

Also, have doc, owe him money, do not have a phone, do not have a job, do not have money for food or meds, only getting a bike soon so i can get into town for a job, i live about 4 miles out of town

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What do you want us to say ? :(

Im sorry this time of day/night which ever part of the world you are in is really quiet - Im sure someone will comment if they are able at some point throughout the day. :)

Out of curiosity, read what you have written, and what comment would you make, if this was someone elses thread. ?

Take care.

Edited by SweetSue
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I would say

"who are you, I want to get to know you ,and if your a woman you are PERFECT for me."

and

"probably best to learn proper banishing rituals, proper ritual openings and closings, as well as see if you can get help getting your meds"

and

"how are you holding up after the suicide attempt?"

and then I would try and hook up with her, unless I learned it was a guy, then I would feel awkward and very confused about my sexuality.

edit: I cant answer back right away, the rain and wind is getting bad, i have to walk out in my grandpas cowfields for internet and its getting stormy. ill check this in the morning

Edited by Darkness
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Hey Darkness :)

Yeah Im sorry - I didnt mean not to ask you the most obvious question of all - Im not really 'with it' lately.

How are you coping since your suicide attempt ?

When I think back to some of my failed suicide missions, I remember just how harsh the recovery was. My major thought being "Sheeze I even failed at this - what a loser!!!" But thats just me. What are some of your thoughts or feelings ?

Do you find comfort in believing in satan ?

Im curious, really. I find comfort in my faith of Angels, but each of us have different things we believe in. :(

Hope that your day is kind to you

Take care

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the thing about feeling like failing at even killing myself, that i have felt some, but i knew ahead of time it was hard from the information i knew about it, so i wasnt totally all over it. im more over the fact that it happened and less over how my mother handled it. I don't want to go into details, but essentially she made it more about her than me, how it could effect her work if people she knew knew that i went into a hospital for it, ect ect.

The feeling of being a failure/loser hits hard on me, and actualy has been a driving factor in me wanting to take control of my life. I think part of the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness drove me to Satanism in a sense.

Am i comfortable being a satanist? Yes. It is a religon of enpowerment I have found. It doesn't require me to wait on a god to give me strenght or to comfort me. When your a Satanist you realize that only YOU can comfort yourself and give yourself the strength you truly need.

I don't know if it is a lack of outlets or the isolation, but every two weeks or so I do go into those kinds of moods for days. Maybe I am just being Manic, and the spirituality and emotional problems combined make it what you see in the first two posts.

i am doing fairly ok I guess. it bothers me less than other things i have done, probably because as a direct result i am now living alone and away from my mom, which is a good thing. so good came out of the bad. sometimes for a few moments i feel somewhat suicidal and miserble, but it passes as i tell myself that "satan is not a god of weakness", and then I remember that as a satanist i can draw strength from my being when i become in touch with my nature. im not looking to become some senseless beast, though i let some of that out, i seek to make constructive use of negative energies. positive energies make me feel empty and like a fake, as if they have no value or meaning.

also, i am getting a bike soon, so i can go look for work.

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Hi Darkness.

Im sorry your mother wasnt more supportive toward your feelings :o

Thankyou for describing satan(ism ???) to me. It is a faith/religion that I dont really know anything about. :o

Im sorry that things are so harsh for you, and I hope that you are able to get your bike soon to enable you to search for work.

Is there anything that we can do to help ?

Take care

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you can harass me to go refill my meds next time you see me online, i need about one or two more bucks for it, thoguh i may have that in change.

Always happy to help :):(

GO GET YER MEDS !!!!

Nag, nag, nag, nag, 'harass' 'harass' 'harass' 'harass'

{Hope you have enough money for your medication hun :(}

Take care

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if you finish high school you cant get a GED. I'm a guy, i didnt hide anything I only said it in third person because I was manic. I tried to hang myself with a belt. I live alone in my late great aunt's house. she died about 4 months ago and her husband died 7 years ago. The cowfield nearby is owned by my grandpa as well as the house. I am getting a job soon, and I havn't filled out my meds yet though I found i have 7.44 dollars. 7 dollars is how much meds is. ill get em' filled tommorow.

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