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how do you know when and how to give it up?


Darkness
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well im going to be 20 in about two weeks and for some reason some people think I should of already fucked someone by now to be quite blunt.

But the thing is, it seems really awkard as well, that I don't know if it is a big deal or not if the first time is ok to be dirty, or is it supposed to be meaningful?

like, what is typical of someone's first time? also if you were sexually molested by a guy and your a straight guy, are you still a virgin? and would said molestation play any part into how one would experience the first time?

I think at this point I should mention again I'm almost 20 and have never had a girlfriend, and i think that if i even tried to pursue the kind of girl i want, id' stopped dead cold because i have no experience. The kind of girl being of a mostly choleric temperment from the four humors. I myself and half choleric and the other half is Sanguine, if it makes any difference.

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Guest GingerSnap

This is a Grandma opinion. Are you looking for just sex or a relationship? That makes a difference. In a relationship, sex comes naturally with time and it does mean more because you are dealing with intimacy. In a loving relationship, you can let your guard down. Now, if you looking to have sex for the sake of having sex, I really can't give you any advice other than to at least have safer sex because STDs are serious business. My older son remained a virgin until he was 27 and then married that woman and they have 2 children now. I had preached that "sex is not to die for" because of the issues with AIDS and he listened. Learn about intimacy really is - that gives those warm, fuzzy feelings.:P There is absolutely nothing wrong with remaining a virgin and when it comes right down to it, many claim to be or not to be that are still or are not. OK, that's my old-fashioned response but really and sincerely, in a relationship, you won't need to wonder when it is time to "give it up".:D

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um.. im slightly confused but ok. so i shouldnt feel bad if the first time it means nothing??? and warm and fuzzy? i want it brutal, sensual and primal. none of this fluffly stuff. thats not to say it cant be with someone i care about, that would make it better actually. its a more intimate to reveal just how primal I am. sometimes i dont feel completely tame. the steak i ate last night was so rare there were a couple of tiny raw bits, and when i tasted all the blood i nearly lost control. THAT'S how primal I am.

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Don't be surprised if what happens doesn't correspond to how you want it. As humans we rarely get to dictate the circumstances of our own experiences. How meaningful or intimate or primal it is depends on the chemistry you have with your partner.

If my friends and I are a valid data set, then awkwardness is the most common characteristic of one's first time. To avoid terminology debates, I will use the term "sex" to denote everything on the spectrum from meaningless fucking, to the most intimate and tender love making. Sex is a skill and it improves with practice, as long as you pay attention to it. You may have beginner's luck or not, just don't expect to be exceptionally skilled coming out of the gate or you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. If you have a certain scene in mind, it is likely that through personal ads you could find someone into the same thing, but the trade off in doing so is the you may or may not be compatible in other important ways.

Other than that, it happens when it happens. Past molestation will probably affect your experience, but that said you have some influence (as opposed to control) over how much power you hand over to past memories. In my first couple years of experience there were certain zones of my body that were simply off-limits and by setting my own boundaries I took my power back, thereby preventing myself from being triggered during sex. Over time I knew clearly when I was ready to allow those boundaries to become flexible, and now feel like I have a fairly healthy, pro-sex view of humans and human relations. YMMV

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Ralph, that is probably the most helpful advice I have ever gotten on this site. Everyone else talks too generally and unspecificly.

Also the fact that you said YMMV as something I recognize from the tvtropes wiki, add {{bonus points}}. Do you happen to be a troper? If you are you will know what I mean by that.

Also, love the dethklok avatar (spelling?).

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Guest GingerSnap

While I don't have any more advice on your "giving it up", I read your response early this morning and while working in the garden I kept telling myself "You got to suggest this guy join the Marine". Seriously, the military can be a good way to sort out your life and decide who you are. The exhaustion of basic training can really let you know who you are at the primal level, you get a job skill and have an income which can be hard to come by in some areas of high unemployment. I chose the Air Force and then worked as a civilian cook in an Army dining facility and that leads to my next advice, while you may like the primal whatever from raw meat, you can get very, very sick from it and it doesn't take that much of it. These days, versus times past, you are much more likely to get sick from raw meat and eggs simply because of the way the animals are being kept - think serious tummy troubles!:eek: Want to eat something raw? Eat fruits and vegetables - wash them first.:)

Edited by GingerSnap
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I didn't expect anyone to recognize Toki, but you're the second person to mention it. :D Dethklok is the correct spelling.

I'm not familiar with "troper" although I have stumbled on TVTropes before. YMMV as I use it means "your mileage may vary", that is, what works for me may or may not work for you.

Back on topic I'm wondering if we as a culture put too much emphasis on sex. It's really not that appealing if you think about it - a couple adults acting silly while naked. It feels good though, or else we wouldn't do it. It's a very personal topic, but I think it might be a means to an end. Humans have a need to feel connected and sex is one way to accomplish this. Perhaps a good deal of self doubt, angst, and uptightness could be avoided if sex was seen as one of several enjoyable ways to meet human needs.

Under this view the concept of virginity could be forgotten altogether, but then if sex lost its place as the be-all end-all goal of all other human activities, how would marketers manage to sell toothpaste and expensive cars? :(

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@ gingersnap, I can't join them, and if i wanted to join a military branch it would be the navy. I dropped out, they won't take me. well, i guess i could go to collage then maybe, but i dont know.

lol, and that is the definiton of YMMV as on tvtropes.

i agree, people see it as the end. it is a means to an end, to many ends actually. I just was thinking to myself that how do you get around the awkardness of the first time, especially if the other person is more experienced than you, which I think might be true in my case given different factors from both sides. I was concerned that I would be scoffed at for the awkwardness, since one of my types it the kind of girl that would scoff at stuff I do lol. Thankfully the other two types wouldn't, i think...

>.>

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I agree with Ralph that we put way too much emphasis on sex. Not that I don't believe it to be important that both in a relationship are pleased, but I think that each person's time comes differently and rushing it to get it over with is not always going to give you the results that you want. Our society tends to push the dirty, perverted, hurtful sex. Now, don't get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with f***ing ( I hate that), but I believe that when you are lying or hurting someone in the process, then it's no good. Primal is fine, but as Ralph also stated, we don't dictate. Things happen, and we go along with it, and each time you have sex, there is a different mood and tone. Why don't you try getting to know a girl first?

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"It's really not that appealing if you think about it - a couple adults acting silly while naked."

Heh. To me, with the right person, this is the appealing part. :-)

We're all children at heart. What better than to be childish with the person you've given your heart to? Now sure, sex itself isn't a childish thing, but the feelings of pleasure, abandon, safety, joy, ... are. So, clearly, my style and Darkness's might not overlap much, but that's okay too. As my generation put it (before the EPA and the internet gave us "YMMV") was: Different strokes for different folks.

"I just was thinking to myself how do you get around the awkwardness of the first time... "

Yeah, sadly, if free rides existed, we'd all be on one. The awkwardness is part of the price we pay for getting to know someone else: it's risky to let someone in. It can go badly if you let someone else's judgment of you matter more to you than it does. But even "more experienced" people are awkward their first time with somebody (each new person is a "first time".) Either that, or they're so jaded you'd have to wonder why you want to be their 523rd lover (that's if they haven't lost count.)

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