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Heated discussion last night.....question restated


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Ok, I'm sorry for the thread I started, then abandonded yesterday. It was long and went into too much detail. It was a slow read. I promise I won't delete this one unless a mod asks.

Here's a fast recap: I've been going to see my doctor forever. I like him, I am comfortable with him. He's getting old, in the past 4 or 5 years his nurse has been getting very involved with assisting him in the exam room. She's pretty much by his side constantly. A few months ago she had to leave to relocate with her husband.

My wife and I have a neighbor we've become very close to. She's like family. I was good friends with her husband before he passed away. She's a nurse, and had been working at a local hospitals emergency room. She wanted a different job, this one was stressing her out something horrible. She applied for and got the job at my doctors.

Her being in a position to see me in the nude on a regular basis didn't sit well with me. I'm not an exibitionist, I'm very uncomfortable nude in front of clothed females. Maybe it's the loss of power on my part. Maybe it's something else, I dunno.

I decided to switch doctors. When I told my wife last night this immediately started a 2 1/2 hour talk. I mean the floodgates broke open on us, our relationship, our sex life (or lack thereof), my.....obsession with being modest. My lack of complete physicals before and after my heart attack. It was intense to say the least. I was very suprised. I learned a few things about her that were real eye openers.

I'll go into a few things in detail later, right now I have a question that's at the core of all this.

Ladies: If your husband had to have a female nurse present while he was in the exam room at your family doctor office, would you prefer the nurse be a total stranger or a close friend? Would stranger or friend matter at all to you? Why?

Guys: If you had to have a female nurse present while you were getting a complete physical, would you druther she be a complete stranger, or a close friend of yours, and your wifes best friend.

My wife is more than ok with the notion of her best friend observing me in an unclothed state, she seems to be pushing it. (this suprised me very much.....actually, it flabbergasted me at first!)

My wife seemed to be eager for someone she knows helping with my immediate healthcare. I think this will drastically change my relationship with our neighbor. I'm scared spitless I'll become 'excited' in front of her. I'd crawl away in embarrassment. Again, when I told this to my wife, she said she and the neighbor had discussed this (naturally!!!!!!) and decided at least they'd know "whether the plumbing was working or not". Nice......real nice.

Remember I had mentioned I thought my wife had assumed I'd just become impotent. Well here's an inside person that can let her know exactly what state my health is in. Not that it's any secret. I've always told her everything that was discussed or said at the docs.

I don't want to switch docs, but at this point in time thats my decision. My wife says I'm being hard headed and childish. She says it's just a part of our nurse-friends job to have to view men (and women) in various states of dress.

She seems real suprised I'm upset at all with this.

What say you?!

John

Edited by retr0john
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Hi retrOjohn

Ladies: If your husband had to have a female nurse present while he was in the exam room at your family doctor office, would you prefer the nurse be a total stranger or a close friend? Would it matter at all to you? Why?

If my husband/partner had to have a female nurse present whilst in the exam room. It wouldnt bother me in the least. The nurse would just be doing her job.

The only thing that would bother me is if it made my partner/husband uncomfortable, then if I couldnt ease his fears, whatever they may be, I would suggest that he asks his dr, if it is necessary for the nurse to be present.

I used to be a nurse, and seriously, when your in nursing, all that matters is doing your job to the best of your capabilities.

Hope this helps a little.

Take care :P

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Sweetsue, I was hoping a nurse or two would answer this question. I can accept the presence of a nurse (barely) when I'm going to be completely unclothed, but I draw the line at the nurse being a very close friend.

Would you want the nurse in the room with your partner/husband to be a stranger or close friend? While preforming your nursing duties did you ever have to help with a close male friend? Did it change your friend-relationship at all?

John

Edited by retr0john
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Hi John :P

You do realise dont you, that you would be well within your rights as a patient to request a male nurse to be present, instead of a female nurse.

I may of been a nurse, but the thing is even I am very insecure/embarrased/selfconcious about being examined for certain things and request a female nurse if possible.

I have helped a close male friend in the past, and no it didnt change our frienship at all. It neither made us closer or put any distance between us. Although that was just general nursing duties. I have never worked in a GPs office, just on the wards.

If you are uncomfortable with your close friend being present whilst you are being examined, request she leaves the room whilst the examination is taking place. It is ok to do that.

Take care :D

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The last thread, the one I deleted had a lot more detail. I should have included some of this detail in this one.

My doctor has a very small practice. Literally, he works out of a house that has been converted into an office. He only has two people working for him. A receptionist and a nurse. I can't request another nurse (or male nurse), there isn't one.

I've thought about talking to her and seeing if she would be willing to excuse herself when I'm being examined. This was something I bought up in that other thread also. I suppose the doctor would have some say in that also. If he insists she be in the exam room assisting him I'm back to leaving and finding another doc.

John

Edited by retr0john
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I wouldn't have a problem with a friend examining my husband. She would simply be doing her job. At the same time, if my husband was uncomfortable with it, I wouldn't want him doing anything he wasn't comfortable with... I think your reaction is completely understandable. I'm sorry you're feeling pressured about this. :(

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OK, are you attracted to your wife's friend and has she ever given off any welcoming vibes?

Alright, I was only half-joking there, but the fact remains that it's your body and your life, not your wife's. It's ok to do what's in your own self-interest here, especially given the talk you and your wife had the other night.

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If you're really uncomfortable with it being a close friend, there's no reason you should have to put up with that.

Hell, I get upset over much less. I didn't want to use my current psychiatrist because my mother used to refer patients to him a long time ago! It really just depends on your comfort level.

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Hmmmm. Most of the people I've talked to (and here) seem to agree that if I'm uncomfortable I shouldn't do this. Really, the only two who've said anything else is my wife and my neighbor. I really don't think they're so anxious to 'have me nude' in view of anyone. There seems to be a measure of distrust in my doctor. As I said, he's getting old.

I'm going to call my neighbor Dee, it's easy to type.

It seems after Dee got this job she and my wife were having a talk. (as usual) My wife was expressing misgivings that my heart attack might have been avoidable if my doc had been on top of things. Dee told my wife my doctor had explained to her she'd be present in the exam room as part of her normal duties in the office. Dee had asked my wife if this was going to fly with me. My wife told her I'd gotten better at accepting being nude in front of nurses during and after my heart attack (wrong) and she thought I'd probably be more comfortable in front of a woman I knew vs. a stranger. (wrong) Dee told her then she'd make sure she would be in the exam room everytime I was in there. (wrong) My wife told me this would make her feel better since there'd be two health care providers looking after me, one of which she personally knew.

I told my wife I still wasn't comfortable with nudity in front of nurses (or female doctors) at all, but I really had a problem with this and Dee. I said I knew Dee really wanted this job and I wasn't going to ask her to leave since she was so happy there.

I said if I left I'd be going to a younger doctor with a larger practice and that they'd stay alert since I'd already had one heart attack.

Dee was upset. She said finding a doctor one likes is hard and she didn't want to be the cause of me leaving. She asked me if I wouldn't be more comfortable knowing it was her in the room instead of a stranger. I said no, and smiled and said I was sure she and my wife had talked this all out, but they made a number of assumptions that were exactly 180 degrees wrong.

So at this point I'll be doctor shopping. I still haven't had a full physical in 4 or 5 years, so I'll be looking for one quick. It won't be a female doctor though.

John

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I am curious as to how you have been "nude" in front of doctors, but have not had a full physical. When I go to the gyno, they all get out of the room so that I can undress and put a gown on. My doctor is a male, but he is always very discreet. He looks slightly away during the breast exam and never requires me to be completely nude at all. Why would you have to get naked for a routine physical then? Is this more about your wife possibly finding out that you have been fibbing about being impotent rather than being nervous about her friend?

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Sorry I forgot to put in there as well that I do support your decision to see another doctor. And not because of the fact solely that it is your wife's friend, but because she seems to know quite a bit about your personal life as well, and I could imagine that would be disconcerting. You also may have to answer very personal questions in front of her, which would also not help to put you at ease.

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I am curious as to how you have been "nude" in front of doctors, but have not had a full physical. When I go to the gyno, they all get out of the room so that I can undress and put a gown on. My doctor is a male, but he is always very discreet. He looks slightly away during the breast exam and never requires me to be completely nude at all. Why would you have to get naked for a routine physical then? Is this more about your wife possibly finding out that you have been fibbing about being impotent rather than being nervous about her friend?

I haven't been fibbing to my wife. I have never lied to her. I think she just assumes because she buys into the classic sitcom hype that a man will totally lose it if a nice looking woman just bends over in front of him. She thinks I couldn't have just decided to stop 'jumping her bones', I must have a physical problem that 'allows' me to go without sex.

Sorry if I gave the impression I've never ever had a full physical. I'm 54 years old. Untill 4 0r 5 years ago I'd had a physical every year from 21 up. I used to work for a company that had to bond me at 1 million dollars for insurance. I had a company physical and two drug tests every year. When I left that company, I just started having physicals done by my own doc.

Dr. May (I'll call him that it's easy to type) is old fashioned. As I was undressing his previous nurse would just leave out a modesty cloth for me to cover up with and left the room. I just layed the cloth in my lap while he looked at my eyes, ears...etc. When he got to the turn and cough part of the exam, I'd just stand nude on the little platform at the foot of the table while he took care of that. Then I'd just turn around for the prostate exam. Right after that he performed a gait test where I had to walk around the exam table while he looked for any limping or odd back problems. Then I got dressed while he sat and scribbled a lot on my records. He always sent me to a lab to have blood drawn.

I've never had the slightest problem being nude in front of other men. In a locker room, open shower area or changing area. I'm just not concerned at all. Throw one lady into the mix and I'm covering up.

This was before his nurse started staying in the exam room. She started assisting 4 or 5 years ago, I stopped having full physicals 4 or 5 years ago. I assume he still does the same routine, I don't know. I haven't asked Dee. Even if he gives out gowns now, I'm sure she's still in there at bad times. I was very comfortable with things the way they were. It would have been extremely uncomfortable with a nurse in there that I didn't know, but me doing one of the old physicals with Dee in there isn't going to happen.

Your doctor is of the opposite sex, and I'd imagine younger than my doc. If I was going to a younger female doc she'd probably have me in a gown and be more discreet when examining me.

You're right about Dee being close to me and my wife. This was always about my wife having a direct source of information from the doc, and Dee being right there to see that my health was being looked after. (like I'm a complete idiot) (don't say anything!) :P

John

Edited by retr0john
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That's strange. My doctor's not very young himself, but I am glad for the bedside manner. In fact, he is one of the only male gyno's that I have seen, and even though I usually prefer a woman to perform those exams, I feel very at ease with him. That's the bottom line when it comes to having somewhat delicate procedures, you have to be comfortable. If you're not, then by all means, switch doctors.

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Yeah, it's a shame. I was very comfortable with the way things used to be. I value Dees friendship enough that I figure it'll be much easier for me to find another doc than it'd be for her to find another job.

As long as the docs a male and doesn't require a nurse to be in attendance I'll be just fine with it.

John

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Speaking as a medical proffesional, I do not look at my patients in any way other than a patient. With that being said if you are worried about your drs nurse telling your wife personal information, well you are being paranoid. It is against the law to share medical information without a written consent. If she ever did anything like that she would lose her license.

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Speaking as a medical proffesional, I do not look at my patients in any way other than a patient. With that being said if you are worried about your drs nurse telling your wife personal information, well you are being paranoid. It is against the law to share medical information without a written consent. If she ever did anything like that she would lose her license.

Cindy, Dee and my wife are the best of friends. You can't tell me they wouldn't discuss my medical state over coffee or a soda while sitting out on our deck.

And honestly, really, it's not the discussion or sharing of medical information that bothers me. Dee already knows about my medical state. I already don't have any medical secrets from my wife (or really Dee either). I set with them discussing my heart attack or diabetes. What could my doctor find or ask that I wouldn't want repeated to my wife for goodness sakes.

For me, this has always been about the embarassment of having to be nude in front of a female friend. If I find out this is not the case and there's no possibility of me ever being nude in front of Dee, she could be my nurse anytime.

My wife talking to her friends about my medical state doesn't bother me, her talking about our intimate relationship and me (or my body) in regards to it however bothers me a lot.

I'm sure Dee has already had my concerns over my being much smaller than average described to her in detail. She doesn't need to see for herself and have first hand obversations to talk to my wife about.

John

Edited by retr0john
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Well regardless if she share medical information or gossips about you to your wife she is still breaking HIPPA and can lose her license. You do know you can always ask for a gown or that the nurse leaves the room. it is within your patient rights. I know there are plenty of times when i want to come home and discuss with my husband something that happened in a therapy session with one of my patients but know i cannot because it is unethical. Now since you seem to have made it rather clear it is not about anything MEDICAL then i suppose you should do what feels the most comfortable to you. What I so not understand is why you cannot just tell your wife that you have a high sex drive and the reason you do not act upon it is because of insecurities on your end. i have read your earlier posts and you claim that your wife doe not reach climax with you, well not all women are able to orgasm from intercourse. I suggest counseling withougt any exceptions. If she gossips about stuff too often to her friends bring it up in counseling. The therapist will recommend things to her.

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Mmm, it seems to me as if the whole situation hinges on communication, or its entire absence. Your wife doesn't seem to know (or understand) your feelings; you're forced to guess about hers; you don't know what she discusses, or doesn't discuss, but you assume it; and so on. Counseling, or just sitting down and having a realistic and non-confrontational talk with each other, might do a world of good. And if there's potential harm to it, I don't see what it would be.

What do you think, John?

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Well regardless if she share medical information or gossips about you to your wife she is still breaking HIPPA and can lose her license. You do know you can always ask for a gown or that the nurse leaves the room. it is within your patient rights. I know there are plenty of times when i want to come home and discuss with my husband something that happened in a therapy session with one of my patients but know i cannot because it is unethical. Now since you seem to have made it rather clear it is not about anything MEDICAL then i suppose you should do what feels the most comfortable to you. What I so not understand is why you cannot just tell your wife that you have a high sex drive and the reason you do not act upon it is because of insecurities on your end. i have read your earlier posts and you claim that your wife doe not reach climax with you, well not all women are able to orgasm from intercourse. I suggest counseling withougt any exceptions. If she gossips about stuff too often to her friends bring it up in counseling. The therapist will recommend things to her.

If you've read my previous posts, then you know I've heard about her previous orgasms with her former lovers. I've heard enough (with coberation) to think she wasn't lieing.

Counseling with no conditions.....Not going to happen. I'm simply not going to open up and spill my guts knowing it's not going to stay between the three of us.

Mmm, it seems to me as if the whole situation hinges on communication, or its entire absence. Your wife doesn't seem to know (or understand) your feelings; you're forced to guess about hers; you don't know what she discusses, or doesn't discuss, but you assume it; and so on. Counseling, or just sitting down and having a realistic and non-confrontational talk with each other, might do a world of good. And if there's potential harm to it, I don't see what it would be.

What do you think, John?

Malign, I know for an absolute fact she has shared private information about us to her friends. I'll give you just one example (of many I could give).

We were at a party where the adults were drinking a little. (I didn't drink, but no one was out of control.) When I became a little too enthusatic during sex I'd 'pop out'. That's my term I used. This really frustrated me, and basically was a major interruption in the flow of things. At this party one of my wifes lady friends came up and talked a while. She was slightly tipsy and talking a little too much about her and her husbands intimate life. I just excused myself when she reached out and patted my arm and said I shouldn't worry about popping out. Her husband had the same problem....yada...yada. She used my exact term. My wife was the only way she could have known about this

I've read online women tend to share intimate parts of their life with their friends. She's done this for years. (before she met me) I'm sure her friends have told her all their intimate doings also.

I'm kinda in a holding pattern right now. The conversation we had the other night broached subjects we've never talked about before. I'm waiting to see if things just go back to the new normal, or if she was serious when she said "we're not done discussing this yet" when I was telling her my mind was made up about switching docs.

John

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The nurse is a woman, and a friend of your wife. I bet between the two of them they have discussed everything there is to know about you phsyically. women talk, they always do "oh I was concerned about you" "oh I didn't have anyone else to talk to" "I was worried and needed advice from a friend" "I hate your guts so I told" Whatever the reason women "talk"

In good marriages, women even talk to thier husbands, which means you're problems, size, impotence, pop outs etc are probably known by all. You're out and you dont know it.

Leaving the doctors? you might want to leave town.

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The nurse is a woman, and a friend of your wife. I bet between the two of them they have discussed everything there is to know about you phsyically. women talk, they always do "oh I was concerned about you" "oh I didn't have anyone else to talk to" "I was worried and needed advice from a friend" "I hate your guts so I told" Whatever the reason women "talk"

Your wife has told her friend about you "popping out" and the friend let you know she knew. I bet between your wife, her friend, and the nurse your whole social circle know your deformed.

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Yeah, of course you're right. I'm sure every inch of me from top to bottom has been a topic of discussion in the past 25 years. And I figure every other womans husband has been discussed too. I knew she shared everything with her friends before we even had that first date, but later after we'd married I'd hoped it wouldn't apply to me. Oh, wrong.

If I was knocking her socks off in bed the fact her friends know all about us wouldn't be so bad.

And yeah, I'm sure Dee knows I'm real small. But knowing and actually seeing are two different things. If Dee seen me nude it'd just be pouring fuel on the fire next time she and my wife got together.

This is all one of the reasons I'll never have to worry about going to therapy with her. She'd never agree to keep her mouth shut about what went on in there, and I'm not opening up and providing more fodder for the next Chat group meeting.

Heck nearlydead, I've known I've been out for a long time. My wife (and her friends) might think I'm impotent, but at least that's wrong. Unfortunately, everything else she's told them is probably true.

John

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Personally, as others have said, best to request the nurse leave the room. Sure the doctor will tell the nurse as soon as thier alone again anyway, but you wont have the humiliation of her seeing it with her own eyes, at least its one less witness.

Being aware that your wife has likely told everyone you are small, how does that make you feel? humiliated i'd guess. Its this part that there is no cure for.

We can use CBT to change our own thoughts about ourselves, but it does nothing about our womens thoughts. Knowing they know, and therefore likely everybody else knows, is the bit I cant find a solution to.

Any small man who engages in sex has to be able to deal with humiliation. with humiliation we can only choose to ignore it, or fight it. Either way means confrontational social interaction, which is probably one of the reasons so many of us choose isolation.

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