I need help..Please...

[Sarah92]

My father left me and my mom 9 years ago, since then I haven't seen or heard from him. But I know he's living a great life with his girlfriend and a child. Since then I could never trust anybody, especially guys.

I had a boyfriend who left me at the end of 10 months, I was 16. And after that my faith and trust were shaken all over again. I had several boyfriends but never had any intimacy but kissing. I never planned on getting married to any of them.

For about a month ago or so, I used to have a boyfriend, we dated for 5 months. And he was planning on marrying me 1 year later - when he was done with his first year of college. He is 18 and I am 19.. I..loved him like I never loved, anybody else. On our 2nd month, for the first time, I gave myself to him. I was his. I loved him more than anything in this world. But the problem was, I didn't bleed. I never had sex before, and I didn't bleed. I read that it could happen to lots of virgins and it was normal so I wasn't too shocked. On our 4th month, he got distance. I knew something was wrong but never knew what was. He started to lose his interest, he wasn't even telling me he loves me anymore. I kept crying and crying all those months and.. On our 5th month he forgot something he promised to do. (he was going to buy two rings and we were gonna get engaged.) He NEVER forgets his promises. I couldn't resist and ask him, why are you doing this to me? Is this because I slept with you, did you lose interest because we had this too soon?? And his answer was, ''yes, but not because its too soon. I've been thinking about it and i don't believe you are a virgin.'' I couldn't believe he said that. I remember he asked me SEVERAL TIMES if i had sex before, and i told the truth ''I haven't''. I thought he was done with questioning me but obviously he was still thinking about it. I told him lots of things to make him understand that I WAS A VIRGIN. But he never accepted it. He was hurting me a lot and about 3 days after, I broke up with him. I had to end it before he did. He told me lots of bad things about how not beautiful I am and how his mom didn't like me, how I don't look good beside him, he deserves someone like model and how I will never find someone like him, and nobody will love me like he did. I know he said those things because he never really wanted to break up with me and when I did, he just couldn't take it.

I STILL love him too much that I keep hurting myself, I cut myself, even tried to jump off the balcony my friends stopped me. I hate myself for doing those things but I don't know what to do.. About two weeks before, he texted me saying that he always believed me but he had to lie to me. I don't know why he HAD TO. But he also wrote it wasn't a turn back text nor it was an apology. The text also said he just had to tell me that he always believed me, and said goodbye, ''take care of yourself. you deserve to be okay.'' I never texted back.

I can't live like this. I made a huge mistake by giving myself to him. I was - am madly in love with him. Our people think that virginity is really important. Nobody will love me like this. If I love someone else, someday... What will I say to him? I can never lie but I can never say that I'm not a virgin anymore.. Because he would dump me. I want to die.. My love and my shame will kill me.. I don't know what to do. I can't even go to a phsycologist cause we have no money. I want him back, I just can't live without him. But I'm trying to stop myself from contacting him.. He hurts me too much when we're together. I can't live with or without him. He destroyed my life.. I gave up everything for him.. I wish I could take it all back.. I wish I never loved him, I wish I never gave myself to him.. I just want him to suffer like I suffer.. I pray to God to make him pay for hurting me like this. He promised me never to let go.. He promised me we were going to get married.. He destroyed us, he.. Please help me.. I don't want to get hurt anymore.. This pain.. It hurts too much... I want to end it..

[sensitive_woman]

I totally understand "where you are coming from" Sarah.

One part of you hates your father for leaving you and your mother and living a great life with his girlfriend. Yet, another part of you craves for love and affection which you probably felt this boyfriend was giving you. So you gave your 'all' to this guy by having sex with him. Because you have been brought up in a conservative society, you feel you've done something drastically wrong. I don't think you need to feel this way at all. You loved your boyfriend and in a moment of heat and craving, you probably had sex with him. You need to get real and understand this happened. Accept it and move on. I know its easier to say. The guy whom you loved, has suddenly decided to cut off ties with you can get very unsettling. But realize that you are wasting your time over a guy who frankly doesn't care for you enough to want to be with you forever. SO just accept what happened, forgive and forget. Thats best for your own sanity and progress.

[Endlessnight]

Hi Sarah. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I know you must be in a lot of pain.

When the time comes, and you find a man that will love and appreciate you, then you can decide what to do. After all, as you said, not all virgins bleed when they have sex for the first time. So try not to worry too much about it right now, and about lying about it. Just concentrate on healing yourself of your pain and moving on. Take care. (((( hugs ))))