Need to talk about something

[sensitive_woman]

After almost a year of divorce, my ex keeps sending nasty SMSes to me. Then he will call up and play love songs and say he misses me. Then he calls up and says its over and I need to understand it. I have never remotely implied that I want to get back with him so I am truly confused and honestly scared of his behavior. Can someone help me understand what is happening with him? Or why is he playing these mind games with me?

His behaviour has been inconsistent while we were married as well. One minute he's an angel, the next minute a monster. Is he a dual personality? I feel sad and wish I could help him. What can I do to help him and yet not get abused by him?

[Jenna520]

It's called control issues. He's not the one that needs to be helped, not by you anyway, because it sounds like you are the victim. He is playing with you during your most vulnerable time right now. You are going through a lot at this point if I remember correctly, and at this point he's the cat and you're the mouse. I too was in a marriage like this, got divorced and dealt with foolish behavior of this matter for six months after the divorce was finalized. It seemed as though he got a sense of satisfaction from messing with my emotions and playing mind games. The mind games and abuse were the reason's for our divorce. I don't why or how one can seek personal satisfaction out of inconveniencing or hurting someone else, but there's a lot of people out there like that, and not just men. Tell him to back off and go see a therapist, because it's not your job to handle his issues anymore. Big hugs and best wishes. God bless you.

[sensitive_woman]

thanks for your reply Jenna. Appreciate it.

<<<< HUG BACK >>>>>>>

I really needed a 3rd person view on this. A friend whom I called says if he behaves this way he is missing me and wants us to get back together again. But I dont want to even think about any of this, because I dont want to go through the abuse all over again. I agree with what you said. Thank you!

[Jenna520]

I'd be happy to talk with you any time. I'm glad I can be some help. Your friend is probably right. He IS missing you, but it's not in a good way. It sounds like he's missing having the control of you, being the puppet master so to speak. In my experience, once an abuser always an abuser. If he abused you before, he'll do it again. You deserve better than that. Women that have been abused in a relationship or in your case a marriage, tend to find themselves in that situation again with someone new. It's a never ending cycle. I don't know what it is, but it's as if we're attracted to the all the wrong ones. Be careful with your heart, because if you give it to the wrong person too many times, there will come a day you'll get it back in an unrecognizable mess.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Sensitive,

I don't know if a restraining order can be taken out on someone that includes the Internet? Might be worth asking the police in your precinct. Also, he's an abusive man, you must resist the nonsense that he is "missing you." It's classic manipulation and classic abusive behavior. Maybe this has been pointed out to you already so I apologize if I'm repeating, although, some additional reinforcement never hurts.

Allan

[sensitive_woman]

I'm a little worried after I read what Jenna wrote.

Women that have been abused in a relationship or in your case a marriage, tend to find themselves in that situation again with someone new. It's a never ending cycle.

Gosh! Now I'm doubly sure that I never want to enter into a relationship ever again. Its scary and frustrating but if this is true, I dont want to ever face an abusive relationship again. I just dont have the energy to deal with it all over again. Strange as it may sound, even though I am sure I never want to get back together with my ex, I miss him terribly and wonder if I could have got him out of the joint family system to live separately with me. Things would have been much better then hopefully. But its too late for wishful thinking and he frankly isnt mentally stable with his behaviour so its best its over I guess

[Jenna520]

Don't be scared to enter another relationship, just be a bit more choosey and don't go for the type you usually go for. Try something new. A relationship can work, and after being in an abusive relationship, it will take someone special to understand and be sensitive to your insecurities and scars that being abused has left. It took a while, well, until I told my husband what all I had experienced in my past relationships, for him to be able to read me correctly. He understands now that I'm not being distant, I've just never been able to express myself freely, and really don't know how to express myself sometimes verbally. I had never had an open line of communication in a relationship before I met him, and believe it or not, it affects how your partner reads you. They can get confused when they don't know what you've been through and why you act and react the way you do. Breaking the cycle is definitley possible, you just have to think a lot more about the decisions you make and the pace at which you approach it.

[lagrima]

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