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Dear Charlie,

I know it's been over two months since you've been gone, (today's day 80, I've been counting) but the hurt grows stronger each day. I thought I would have accepted it by now, but truth is, I keep expecting you to call or to come through the door at any moment. Sometimes I visit your grave just to confirm I'm not having a nightmare. It's there I have my breakdowns most often, because seeing your name on the tombstone blocks my ability to deny that your gone.

You were so young. Never when we were younger, did I think I'd lose my big brother at the age of 36. Why couldn't you tell me you had an addiction? I was your sister, you could have told me anything and I would have helped you. God how I would have gone the extra mile to help you and to save you.

I went to mom and dad's today with the kids. We've starting spending Sunday's sitting together as a family and having a family meal. They are having such a hard time coping with your death. I have to try to be strong around them. I can't let them see me cry when the pain they experience is much more severe. I don't ever want to imagine losing a child. I couldn't handle it. Daddy found out just a week ago that you had an addiction and that you died of an overdose. The coroner's office called when Mom wasn't there so he got the call. She kept it a secret from us Charlie and so did you. It makes me angry. Dad is heart broken. He blamed himself for the first two months because he thought he had passed the family heart problems to you and that it caused you a heart attack. Two months he walked around blaming himself, just like he feels guilty about passing MS on to me. I've seen him break down. No one wants to see their father cry.

Mom is in denial. She's lost twelve pounds. She doesn't sleep much. She spends a lot of time looking at your pictures, sitting on that bench you bought her for mother's day, looking at the flowers you bought for her garden, she watches for signs of you constantly. Just the other day she swore a bird that was sitting close to us when we were talking by the garden was you watching over her. Her bedroom is like a shrine, with pictures of you everywhere. I can't stand to go in there. It depresses me so much. She even has your handprints from when you were six years old setting on the dresser. Did you know that she kept every card and drawing that you've ever given her since you were born?

I saw your kids today. **** is starting middle school today, and **** is starting Kindergarten today. Today was the first time I've been allowed to see them since the funeral. I miss them. When you died, I lost them to. They will grow up and forget about me, that kills my heart.

Someday's I just wish I could come to heaven with you. I have a void that can't be filled. I feel like all my childhood memories are non existant because they all involve you, my big brother, and your gone and you took them with you. I can barely function here lately. I close my eyes at night and see you laying in that casket and it haunts me. I can't make it go away. I fear I'll waste away in time.

Since you passed away on my son's first birthday, we didn't have a party for him. I was decorating for the party when I heard you were dead. To think I was expecting you to be there and to show up any minute. I wish you had seen him more than twice. He's such an angel. You would have really loved him. And my daughter misses you terribly. She talks to you a lot and watches the sun set every evening. She says the sky is your painting. She takes a picture of the sky every day to capture that. She cries at night. I try my best to soothe her, but usually I end up crying with her.

When your toxicology reports came back, I cried for you. I hurt for you. You had 7 perscription narcotics in your system. Brother, what happened. What was so bad that you turned to pills? When did it happen? Is that why you pushed me out of your life? You never came to visit? Why couldn't you tell me? You knew I'd walk through hell and back for you. I would have helped you. If I couldn't have helped you, I would have gotten you help.

Now as I sit here, I realize I didn't know you at all. My own brother was a stranger to me, because everything you portrayed was a lie. Do you realize you have a 13 year old and a 6 year old that will grow up without there father because you placed drugs before them? You were my only sibling, do you know that you've torn me to shreds? You've put a load on mom and dad's shoulders that I fear will ultimately kill them. Mom and Dad have lost the ability to see their grandchildren while I've lost the ability to see my neices and nephews. You've left your wife to grieve and I'm angry with her as well because she knew of your addiction and kept it a secret as well. She enabled you. My son will never know you, and my daughter will forever cry for you. You're children will forever cry for you. Your mother, your father will forever cry for you. I, your sister, will forever long for you, and long for the ability to live my life in peace and happiness.

I must ask you now..... was the high worth it?

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This post is very powerful and expressive, Jenna. I hear your anger, pain, frustration, and sadness... I'm sorry this hurts so very much. :(

I have no doubt you would have helped your brother is any way you possibly could.

I feel like all my childhood memories are non existant because they all involve you' date=' my big brother, and your gone and you took them with you.[/quote']

Charlie was a big part of your life and the two of you shared a lot throughout your childhood. While he isn't here any longer, the memories are still yours...You can hold a place in your heart for that.

She talks to you a lot and watches the sun set every evening. She says the sky is your painting.

This is a beautiful thought. I think there are places of joy and beauty where love always burns very brightly...

I'm sorry for your loss and pain, Jenna. Your family is suffering a great deal and I hope that you can all support one another in this.

I hope that expressing yourself here and allowing your emotions offers you some relief.

Please take care.

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Not only does this let me get my emotions my out, but I hope it strikes that a chord with someone. When I posted this, my intention was to open the eyes of those who are struggling with addiction, to think of the damage, consequences, and the aftermath of what happens. People get wrapped up in addiction and don't think about the consequences, or tomorrow. They think about their next fix. They don't think about how things stay in your blood for weeks and when you mix certain things or take too much of something, there is going to be consequences. Charlie went to bed and went to sleep. Didn't think about not waking up. He wasn't thinking at all apparently.

I'll continue to write letters from my point of view and describe the pain I feel and the pain that I see in others that are affected by his death, his choices, and explain them in full detail. If an addicted person thought about those they love going through the things I describe here, and it changes their habit, causes them to seek help, or affects their decisions at all, then I've done something. I will have turned a negative experience into a positive one. If something good can come out of this, then so be it. I felt compelled to write this, maybe God moved me to write it, maybe my brother moved me to write it as he looks down on me from heaven. I'll not ask those answers, I'll just do as I feel I need to do. I may be emotionally and mentally broken, but spiritually, I've got to keep the line of communication between me and God open and unaffected.

Besides the people on this forum, I've had little support with coping with my grief. This board has been a blessing to me as well as many people on here. I'm offering my support here, maybe in a rather unique way, but support non the less. God Bless everyone. Have a good night.

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Dear Charlie,

I woke up thinking of you today. It was cold this morning so I drank my coffee in one of your hooded sweatshirts. The morning air and fog reminded me of one of our fishing trips we took when I was 22. I didn't catch a thing that day but had a blast anyway. You always made me laugh with your sense of humor.

I finally fixed that picture frame that I've been meaning to fix since you passed away. It's made like a snow globe, you can put two pictures on it, shake it up, and watch the gold glitter flutter around. In my mind I imagine that's how beautiful it is where you are now, in heaven. On one side, there's a pic of you and mom, and on the other side is a pic of you and my first born child on Christmas day, just minutes after she was born. You sure were a proud uncle and it shows in that picture. I wish you had been there last May when I had my second child, so that I could have placed that picture on the other side.... I never understood why you didn't come then, or after that when I was hospitalized with a pelvic abscess from the c section, or even after that when I had more complications from the c-section. That third time I was all alone the whole hospital stay. No one was there for me to talk to. I thought about you a lot that day, assuming you were just too busy to come. That's how I felt a lot the last four years....

Dad is now in denial that you knowingly took the drugs that killed you. Mom is doing the same. I seem to be the one facing reality. Everyone else is too busy denying things to notice my pain. Mom and Dad and myself just visit together once a week now. I sure miss having their company.

Remember that time you had someone save me an apartment minutes away from your home if I would just move to your area? I've been wondering a lot here lately if you did that because you needed me to help you with your problem but didn't want to come right out and say it, or maybe you hinted at it and I missed the signs? Either way I feel guilty.

**** is missing you a lot. The last three nights she has mentioned you while I was tucking her in. She really misses you. She thinks you died of heart attack. I didn't want her to know about the drugs. That would really break her heart. I don't know how she would feel about it if she found out her uncle died of a accidental drug overdose.

I've looked at all your pictures today. The void seems to be getting bigger and the grief worse instead of healing like people said it would. It seems like everything reminds me of you, so saddness is the main emotion of my day. I don't even feel my other emotions because the sadness over rules all. I wonder if you can hear me? I wonder if you can see me or your niece and nephew? I wonder if you know how you died? Can you see your kids from there? What is heaven like? Have you seen mamaw and papaw yet?

I miss you so much, and I've been meaning to go to your grave to decorate. I've fixed a blue arrangement to go on your tombstone. Blue was always your color. I fix a new one every month. It's a way to tell you I love you and miss you. I'm having financial struggles right now, so I have to get some gas before I can travel to visit you. I hate being 35 miles away from where your body rests.

Well, I must go and begin the long process of trying to go to sleep. Since your death, I'm often unsuccessful with finding a peaceful sleep. I stay up for over 48 hours at a time most often. It's really taken a toll on me. Anyway, I'll visit your grave soon and put those pretty flowers on your stone. Good night big brother, I love you so much.

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Thank you for being here for me. It's a blessing. I loved those flowers. Blue was Charlie's color... it brought out his eyes. He always different colored blue shirts. He liked most everything blue. For a long time he had a blue truck. I had never seen any of those trucks on the road before that he used to own, that was that color blue, but just yesterday I saw one next to us at a stop light. Funny how something that simple can trigger a memory that had been long forgotten. I remember watching for him to pull in the driveway, anxious for his arrival. For a moment I remembered how much I looked forward to his arrival, but then the quick realization that he will arrive no more. A sad, empty ache that just will not go away.

That picture you posted made me think of a song by Miranda Lambert, which is my favorite artist. It's called My Virgina Bluebell. Thank you for the picture once again and God Bless.

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Dear Charlie,

I saw a deer out in a field just off the road this morning when taking **** to school. It made me think of you and the upcoming deer season. Remember when we used to argue on who would hunt where and when because we both wanted to hunt the farm and had spent so much time tracking and looking for deer sign. Neighbors have said there is a large buck in the area this year. I'm unable to shoot a high powered rifle with the bulging disc and pinched nerve in my neck, so I guess it will go untouched this year. Heaven knows you would have gotten it the first day of season. LOL. Oh I miss you so much.

I still haven't been able to make it to your tombstone to put those flowers on. I can't wait to talk to you.

I'm having a very hard time right now big bro. My depression is eating me alive and the anxiety has already consumed my life. If you were here you would know all the right things to say and the right path to steer me on. I love you so much. I wish I had one last chance to talk to you.

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I'm sorry you're hurting so much, Jenna. :) It's amazing sometimes what will bring up thoughts of our loved ones. There are so many places that we connect with them during our lifetimes and many memories to cherish. I'm glad you are able to smile when you remember Charlie.

I'm glad you liked the bluebells.

Take care today, Jenna.

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Jenna,

as someone struggling with addiction and knowing that it is probably going to kill me, I can tell you I ask myself the same questions you asked in that first post. I could answer for myself but I cannot pretend to know what your brother and the rest of your family have been through.

I can see that you want your story to give pause to a practicing addict to make them reconsider the consequences of their actions. I can tell you I feel more guilt about the crap I'm causing my family to deal with than anything else. I'm trying to get help but that's complicated. Sometimes even knowing it's wrong, I will decide to use. I don't want to hurt others and I don't want to harm myself, but I do it anyway. I wish I knew why. I have my guesses, but in honesty that's all they are and my favorite explanation one day will be discarded later, and then back in favor again later on. So I never chose to put drugs ahead of more important things. I in fact had intended to chose otherwise, but addiction does funny things to the decision making process. You have to say no over and over to stay clean but yes only once to relapse.

I hope you can find a way to forgive your brother as I hope my loved ones will be able to forgive me if I should fail to escape this trap.

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Hi Ralph,

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I can understand addiction to a point. My husband is 40 years old, I'm 27, and he has been clean for over three years now. Though I never knew him when he was on all of this stuff, I know the ever lasting effects that addiction has. Though the urge to "dabble" is always rears it's ugly head, that's where I come in to help him. I admit I have to watch all my meds and monitor all his behavior and who he hangs out with. There has been times that he has let the urge overcome him, that's when tough love plays a role. There has been times that he just wouldn't listen to me, and I've had to kick him out of the house to make my point known that I have no tolerance of any type of drugs. After seeing that I mean business, he knows the consequences of his behavior now, and he thinks twice, three, times, maybe four about putting something in his body that will take him away from his wife and child. Twenty years of his life was consumed with addiction, yet he was able to get clean. He did that by going to a one year in house rehabilitation program. It takes more than 60 or 90 days to get clean, let alone learn the coping mechanism's it takes to stay clean. It takes discipline, it takes will power, it takes the support of your family, and an accountability partner to go to when the urge to use strikes, one who will be there no matter the time or day you need them.

Ralph, you too can become clean. Yes, it sucks to go through the withdrawals of the drug, but once you are clean and get your head on straight, you will look at the world around you in a brand new way, one which will leave you shaking your head on how you could have allowed your life to be controlled so long by an addiction.

So find the right help, stick to it, get someone as an accountability partner, make a list of reason's you should stay clean, and think about all the bad things that will undoubtedly happen if you continue down this road you are on. Put your family into my families shoes. Go back to my letters and replace the names I've filled in, with the names of your loved ones. Do you want them to forever be haunted by the manner in which you chose to live your life and the way you passed away?

I would have given anything if my brother would have come to me and said, "hey I need help." At that point, my every waking moment would have been making sure he got the help, support, and supervision he needed, even if it meant me going up there, clearing his house of drugs and taking his car keys away, he would have dried out, changed friends, and gotten better, and he would be here right now. I wouldn't have to go to a tombstone in order to visit him! His son and daughter would have their father. I would have my brother. And my parents would have their son.

Do you know the saddness I feel when I look at his toxicology report? ( If only he had come to me and told me he had a problem.) Or when I go to pick up the phone to dial his number only to realize I can't do that anymore? Or how I feel as I watch my parents wither away because they've lost their eldest child? Or how about when my oldest child tells me that holidays will never be the same, or that her uncle charlie does these miraculous things all around her from heaven when it's just mere coincidence? She calls the sky her uncle Charlie's painting, just before sunset when it gets really beautiful.

You know what I miss the most? Seeing his truck pull up, seeing his smile as he gets out, and feeling his warm embrace as he kisses me on the forehead and says "hey sis.". I miss his smell.

Seek help Ralph, and don't let the addiction steal one more second of your life. And for heaven sakes, don't let it be the hand that takes you. I will send many prayers your way, and I will be here if you ever need me. If I can save someone's life or prolong it, God knows I'd give it my all.

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I've already made a list of reasons and it helped me stay clean for longer than I had been able to before. I still relapsed though. I cannot be rational all the time; it's a lot of effort resisting negative emotions day after day.

Then there is the stigma. People say there is help out there but simultaneously that an addict never recovers and that it is a progressive disease. I cannot see how those could both be true.

This makes it difficult to get help because one has to believe something worthwhile will come of his efforts before undertaking a process that is going to be long and painful. If an addict can never be trusted again, can never recover, why try? The shame, labeling, and cultural stereotypes create a barrier to those that would seek help.

I'm still going to try and get help based on what I did recently, but I've been scolded and labeled by professionals before and that obviously hasn't worked out well. I really hope new guy has something different or I will not see a point in spending money on "help" that I have already heaped upon myself.

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I agree with you that addicts are very much labeled from the starting point forward, even if they get sober as a judge. But the rewards you get from a sober life will be endless, where as people can only remember and base their opinions of you for a period of time. Before long your progress would be commended and your past a distant memory for everyone. I've watched my husband make a complete turn around, deal with it, and change peoples view of him without ever saying a word. He held his head high, stayed on the straight and narrow, and the results spoke for themselves. Living a life of caring what people think of you is a miserable. You can not base your whole existence on whether people have labeled you once a user always a user. Make it a point to prove them wrong. I've met with people that have been clean for ten years and say that sometimes something will happen in their sober life that would have triggered them to use in their old life, that's the times they struggle. My husband moved out of his state, lost all contact with his aquaintances and started over again. Where people don't know you, they can't judge you for your past acts. Not only that, getting rid of your "friends" will ease the temptation. Place yourself within a non drug atmosphere. And it may be completely against your beliefs, I don't know, but believing that a higher power will help you along your difficult journey is the foundation you should base your recovery upon. You do God's work, God will bless you. I'm not trying to tell you how you should believe, not at all, I'm just saying that believing in God gives you motivation to try harder.

I pray that you look past the stereotypes and all the above mentioned in your post and find help. Ralph, life is short enough as it is. There is so much beauty beyond the fog that drugs casts. Please seek help, and stick with it. Believe that you can do it, ride out those bumps in the road. The longer you stay sober, the clearer your mind will get, the more you will see the positives to staying sober, the more apt you will concur your addiction. Just try Ralph.

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Dear Charlie,

It's almost 1 A.M., and I just can't seem to relax enough to go to sleep. I've tried laying down, but I'm just keeping my husband awake by tossing and turning so much. He's so worried about me now that he moved in here to sleep on the couch next to me while I'm up. Today has been a tough day for me. It's just as bad, if not worse, as the following days you passed away. Just when I think I can tolerate the pain, I'll go back down hill again and get consumed with that sickening feeling of grief in the pit of my stomach and in the very core of my soul. Someone made a post today that made me think about my feelings toward you now, since so many secrets came from your death that I was completely unaware of and never imagined. In the beginning, I was so angry with you. But now I can honestly say the anger has diminished and complete and total sadness has settled in. I love you, no matter the secrets, you were still my big brother, and still are my big brother. The one question that keeps coming to mind is "Why couldn't you come to me and tell me you had a problem?"

I feel in so many ways that the outcome would have been different if you had just let me know. But maybe you weren't ready to stop so you felt like I didn't need to know. You were there for me in all my hard times, I hope you knew that I would have been there for you as well.

I just got off the phone with Dad about ten minutes ago. He just called to tell me he loved me. You must have been on his mind a lot too. You and Dad always butted heads it seemed, but he loved you so much and was so proud to call you his son.

I'd never admit it to them, but I feel like they've lost their favorite child and now they're left with me. You were the apple of their eye, especially mom's. Mom thought you hung the moon. Bless her heart, she's really in denial right now. She is taking it hard, but trying to mask it from the rest of us. Dad has put all his effort into working around the farm to keep himself busy. The less time he has to ponder on things, the better off he is. Dad and I are a lot alike. We will be pondering on something in the back of our mind without even knowing it until it becomes too much to tolerate.

I don't know what to do with myself these days. That emptiness inside is expanding with every day that passes and I fear it will erase me as a whole. I pray to dream of you- a good dream, not the ones I've been having. I've heard people say that they have had conversations with lost loved ones in their dreams, that put them at ease. I pray each night before my head hits the pillow that I will see you and get to say goodbye. God knows my heart could really use it right now. Just to be able to see your face again, alive- even if it is a dream. All of my dreams thus far are more like flashbacks. I had never touched a dead person. You were so cold... I just wanted to hold you. If I could just see you one last time and talk to you...... maybe tonight will be the night you visit me in my dreams. I'm going to bed now, and I pray that you will come. I love you, and I miss you. Goodnight.

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You're right I don't need to accept the judgments of others. I guess they only bother me so much because I see myself the same way. I'm also worried about financial consequences like losing my health coverage or facing higher payments in the future wiht a substance abuse disorder in my records.

I believe in God but not in a personal god who rewards and punishes. I prefer to look at it as there being a certain order to the universe which if you can discern you can act accordingly so it serves your advantage.

I am trying though. I'm looking into a number of avenues including 12 step, CBT based group therapy, and professional substance abuse counseling.

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Good for you! I'm glad to hear you're still open to treatment. The things your bring out are valid concerns. Financial matters are always the first one thinks about when making any decision. Unless you get your insurance through somewhere other than a work place or through the state, here where I live, they do not factor in the substance abuse problem. In some cases they do consider it a pre existing condition, if you were to change insurance companies, but if you stay with the same insurance provider before you seek treatment, they don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to denying your medical claims or raising your rates.

Have you ever looked to see if there is a non profit in house treatment program near your area. The place my husband went to is a faith based program here within the state, and they take people even when they have means of funding the treatment and let you work it out through a program they have. There has got to be more than one of these institutions around.

Something I noticed in your thread, you said you felt the same way about yourself that others do. Is it safe to say that you are disgusted with drugs and the affects they are having on your life? If that be the case, that's a good thing. That would only fuel ones motivation to get clean. One question, do you consider yourself to have hit rock bottom?

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Guest ASchwartz

Ralph,

I agree with you, addiction is not a progressive disease. Yes, there are relapses but I know many people who, after relapses and lots of suffering lots of misery in their lives due to their addiction, finally were able to kick this thing and have a full recovery.

As for stigma, there are always stupid narrow minded people. I say, "to hell with them." There are plenty of us out there who understand and are fully supportive of people struggling with addiction, and I'm not only talking about therapists, believe me.

Allan

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I'm changing jobs right now so there is the pre-existing condition concern. I don't consider myself to have hit rock bottom. However, I had depression before I ever got high so the chance that depression would get me before hitting rock bottom is high. Does that make a difference?

FWIW I do have an uncle who is not unlike your Charlie. He was close to me and much younger than my dad but like me had a fondness for pills. My mom said he died of an overdose, but everyone else said it was a blood clot. His kids/my cousins were only a little younger than me though so we were basically getting into trouble at about the same time. I do not want to bother them with potentially bad memories about their dad which is why I haven't probed deeper for the real story. So I don't know. My family has secrets, that much I do know.

Sometimes I'm jealous of him; he is off this roller coaster. I hope he is at peace. Yet it is said that any day above ground beats a day below ground and sometimes I feel this way as well, especially when I feel death is a strong possibility. The main reason I am staying alive though is for the sake of my family. I hope I will succeed in this.

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Dear Charlie,

I just got off the phone with your wife. We talked for over three hours. I know the truth now, and I know why you didn't tell me. I understand now. I know you were pushing me to call her after all this time, I know it was you there when I picked up the phone. I couldn't remember her number but yet you helped me. Thank you. We cried together, laughed together, reminisced together. I know now that you were clean up until that night for three weeks. I know that you planted the seeds of getting clean in three of your friends lives before you lapsed that fatal night. You were fighting your demons so hard, all by yourself. I wish you had gotten professional help, but by doing so, the secret would have gotten out about your problem. I miss you. But I understand why you had to go. I feel a peace over me now that I've never felt before in my life. I know you're looking down on me now, from your mansion in heaven, smiling rays of sunshine down on me. I can feel the warmth of them right now. I'm sorry I was ever angry with you, I'm sorry for a lot of things. Now my anger with you has diminished and I'm just happy I can feel your presence. I'll always long for your smile, your words of wisdom, your laughter, and all the things a big brother can provide, But you are in a better place now. I know you didn't mean to do this to yourself. I just want you to know that I love you, and thank you for being with me tonight, even though I can't see you, I know your here with me. Goodnight big brother.

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Awwww..... ((((HUGS))))).

Thank you I needed that so much. You know, you've been here with me through all m y messed up situations, no matter how crazy I rant and rave, always with a good bit of encouragement and advice to help me through. I wish I had someone close to home as loving and kind as you are. I pray God blesses you for your kindness and loving heart. A person like you should be blessed.

http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l240/hermosa4evr/Hearts%20nd%20Flowers/friends-1.jpg

You sent me the beautiful picture of the bluebells so here's a picture I've found for you.

:)

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Dearest Brother,

Fridays and Saturday's are always horrible on me now since you've left. Knowing that you passed away in the wee morning ours of Saturday sticks in my mind to the point every weekend I battle the same feelings. This weekend is different though. It's just be and the kids at home, **** is out of the state at a hunt with Dad. He's been gone since Tuesday and won't be back until Sunday night. I don't like being alone. Normally I'd pick up the phone and give you a call, but I can't do that now.

Mom is angry with me, for the usual reasons... you know, the ones we never could figure out! She's being extra cruel these days, especially the last week. Brother, it tears up my insides the way she's acting towards me and the way she always has reacted towards me. I really don't know what I've done wrong. I feel like the most unloved individual on the planet at this moment. If you were here, I know you'd make me feel better. I can look at your pictures sometimes and get a sense of comfort now. I guess that's a good thing isn't it? But not even your pictures can comfort the pain I'm feeling tonight. I'm not sure there's a comfort to this pain right now, I'll just have to go through it and hope it eases.

I miss you so much. I hope you can feel my love where you are.

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Jenna, I'm sorry your mother is being so cruel. :o This kind of behavior reflects on her and you have done nothing wrong. If she struggles emotionally, this may be even more pronounced during grief. I'm sorry you are enduring this kind of behavior. :)

It's great that you find comfort in looking at Charlie's photo. Maybe there can be ways to comfort and soothe yourself too. I've always been able to find comfort in the loving feelings I have for those who are gone. You can feel the love you have for Charlie and know that you're a loving person..and offer some of that to yourself too.

Take care today, Jenna.

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Yes, it is absolutely unnecessary for anyone to be knocked in the dirt their whole life, especially by a parent, when eventually when your days are up, that's where you'll lay. I'm not going to tidy wrap it in a small neat little box with a bow on how I feel about it today. I'm angry! I feel like the world is cruel enough with having to endure such nonsense from someone who brought me into this world. If I am that much of a burden to her, then why can't she just stop calling. I've gone without answering the phone but then she tells my dad some big elaborate BS story and he ends up calling and threatening to disown me for treating my mother so badly. What's wrong with letting the phone ring when whats on the other line has been and forever will be hurting you more than helping you. I'm lonely today. My husband can't seem to find more than five minutes every six hours or so to call and ask me a stupid and typical question "what are you doing". Well lets see, I have no t.v., no friends left, no life, no one to get together with or anyone to call, what the hell do you think I was doing? I was doing the same thing I do everyday, watch the clock! What is there to do? Go out in that vehicle that has no gas in it, maybe go the store and spend the money we don't have? I'm tired... and I hope God will lighten up on me soon, because there's nothing more than a speck of my heart and sanity left. I'm hurting inside for various reasons, and no one cares. Again, I will ask the question, why am I so hard to love?

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Jenna, how do you feel about you? I'm sorry you aren't getting any support at home. That must be so hard on you. :o Your parents' behaviors sound very confusing and painful. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. :) There are people who care. I'm sorry you've been feeling so unappreciated. Do you have any hobbies you enjoy that might give you some pleasure? Reading? Writing? Exercise?

Take care, Jenna.

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