My Husband's Mother

[Guest GingerSnap]

I have spent a couple years looking at the issue(s) which my husband has and tracking where it came from and finally, and not a surprise, we are talking about my husband's mother, rest her soul (if she had one and I doubt it) as she did pass away, luckily according to me, when he was 17. Because at one time we had considered foster care and I had worked with two men that had molested their stepdaughters (one said he raped his step-daughter because he was mad at his wife - yeah, that made sense, not) I recognized, as my husband related his memories of Mommie Dearest. Mommie Dearest kept him all to herself even excluding his father. She was not allowing him to become an independent person at all. Between the ages of 14 and 17 better known as "puberty", she (at the age women sexually peak) was removing her top, putting a towel over the front of her and having him give her entire back a rubdown with a menthol product on the bed. She told him he should never have sex and that he was too young for a girlfriend. He said she would tell him, "I was bragging about you to all my friends today." My thought was that hopefully, she wasn't bragging about the back rubs that he gave as I could imagine the horror of the friends and how it would have circulated throughout the town. She wore short sexy nightgowns around the house. Now, this was just wrong. He said he hated doing it but eventually he did admit that he became aroused (anybody would probably) - thus his sexual fetish which still has him sleeping alone after two years. He tried some counseling but it went no where. They wanted to "medicate" him. He put all the family photos that he thought might be a trigger in the trash and they were picked up and gone yesterday. We looked on the internet and found that women are just as guilty as men when it comes to this type of behavior but men that are abused are more reluctant to acknowledge the behavior, you know, the "man" thing. From what we read, this did constitute sexual abuse and the ***** managed to basically mark him for life. He just started reading a book which had great reviews called "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew and I thumbed through it and it looks pretty good. This, of course, does not fix our problem but I wanted to share what we have hammered out over the more than two years since I came to the forum. How sick did this make me? You cannot imagine. There were times when he was wanting my hair or my clothes to be like hers and it turned him on - yuck! I always have to know the "why" of everything and, that is a rough road to travel because, you know what curiosity did to the cat! :eek:

[SweetSue]

Oh Cathy,

My heart goes out to you

I guess atleast you now know 'why' if nothing else, and now that you know maybe you guys can work things out.

Yep, unfortunately, sexual abusers are both men and women. Sad eh ?

Im sorry I dont have the words hun, just know that Im thinking of you and yours and wishing you all the best.

Warm Fuzzies hun

Sue

[Guest GingerSnap]

Thank you, Sue. Sexual abusers can be very covert too. Seems it is all around us now. It was going on at the day center where my son was attending also. He was able enough to describe what was going on but no one was interested in learning anything from him. It is just easier to pretend it is not happening. There has been 3 or 4 teachers at the high school caught doing a variety of kinky things with the students. Probably the worst of it is that the abuser denies that it was "anything" and that the abused just has it all wrong. I think the abused person also denies that anything is really happening that is not right because who wants to believe that someone intentionally and with malice does these things especially when the person is significant in one's life. I was brought up in a strict home and could never stay for school activities because when I was in kindergarten, the 5th/6th grade teacher had sex with 3 of his students and one became pregnant. I do understand why my parents were concerned after that because this was the 50s. He was released from his job only to do it again in another state. Most people are uncomfortable with the "situation" so it is just not discussed or not discussed outside the family when it is a family member - they should get help or they should go to jail! It is better now then it used to be and people are a little more comfortable discussing it. I hate denial. The upside of our situation is that it brought me even closer to God in seeking shelter from the world we live in.

[JaiJai]

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[Guest GingerSnap]

JaiJai: The school teachers are on the sex offenders registry. One moved to another county and had gotten a light sentence as last year, she was a 24 year old, just married dance instructor at the high school and was having a sexual affair with a 16 to 17 year old boy. 17 is the age of consent so only those incidents before the boy turned 17 were prosecuted and she was fired from the school. An older teacher married the student he got pregnant and they now live in a different state and I am not sure what punishment he received if any depending on her age as this happened about 8 years ago when we were not in the area. The other case, the teacher was having his son bring girls to their tanning whatever in the house and he was videotaping through the wall. These are all on the register and I check it often. Each state has a registry for sexual offenders. All parents should be concerned. It seems like it is an epidemic.

My son is 25 years old and functions at the 40 month level. He was attending a day center for people with developmental disabilities. I will not go into the all the details on why he was removed because of his privacy but know this is accepted with people like my son. There was a case in our state where a woman in her 30's was in a state facility and she functioned at about the 3 year level mentally and a staff member had sexual relations with her. The case was not prosecuted because of the "possibility" that she may have gave consent. This can be found in official documents on the internet and I called the Attorney General's Office and discussed the case with them as to why it was not prosecuted. I do think he was fired. I read where the chance of the developmentally disabled being sexually abused is about 90% and males are not immune to this at all.

In the case of the teacher that got the 6 grader pregnant, a 12 year old, it was several years before he surfaced in one of the largest cities in the US and once again, could not keep his hands off the girls. This was in the 60's and it was a different time.

You have to keep in mind that many people position themselves in such a way as to have access to that which they desire. Your attitude is rather typical of those that I have been dealing with for over a year trying to get changes made to protect my son and, well, my thoughts about that.............. Pervs come in all economic classes, profession, race, ethnic background, sexual orientation, religion or not, relatives of any distance so, protect your loves ones and be informed or be a part of the problem. ***Edit: Teachers aren't the only ones. There was an optometrist in a bigger city in the US and this fat, bald man with a silky suit used to push his silken panted knee into..............and the little girl hated going to him but she did not say anything because she had no idea what this evil, nasty man was getting from this. This little girl endured this for three years until that man died and she was so happy that he was dead and still is happy to this day that he died. The little girl had been to another optometrist before him and several after him but this never happened with any of them. I am so glad that he died so that myself and other little girls did not have to put up with that anymore from him. I hope he is burning in Hell still at this moment! When your kids go into the professional's office - go with them, I did and I still do with my son! Listen to your children and if they don't want to see or be alone with a person, ask questions!

[Guest GingerSnap]

Jai-Jai: I see that you edited your post. Your dog humping your leg, while disgusting, does not compare with what my husband's mother was doing to him. I won't go over the details since I posted that long ago but you might go to: www.recoverynation.com and do some reading. Abuse is abuse and some is more severe but it all has devastating results. Actually, a dog humping your leg is about "control" not something sexual but then, sexual abuse is also about control isn't it especially when children are involved. I am sorry that my thread troubles you which is becoming really obvious. You might just want to ignore my posts.

[Moonstruck]

""he was removed because of his privacy but know this is accepted with people like my son""

^ I worked with MR/DD now the DoDD in/for my county. That statement is very true!

I was talking to a friend whose daughter was in respite care at the facility we BOTH worked at. Which her daughter was being changed, the caregiver and mother both called me in the room to finish the conversation. NO, I simply said I had to go potty and would be right back. I stayed gone long enough so they could take care of the situation.

I've also witnessed other happenings of similar things with other clients while I was at the center. Being only a SUB and not under contract as permanent, me saying anything to anybody about anything went nowhere but trouble for myself and a huge headache for my boss. Nothing ever was done about anything I ever reported or tried to report.

**I know that is kinda off topic, but I wanted to back you on that fully!

[Guest GingerSnap]

Moonstruck: No, that is not off topic since in reality, the topic is taking advantage of a vulnerable person. After I removed my son from the center, more than one person came and told me the things that went on and how they tried to report it but reports got "lost", some people ended up without a job. They have a woman who investigates for social services and she was letting a lot of things slide and I am working on taking care of that and I made it to top at the State level on this. I don't see why they don't really crack down on this but I think it will get tougher. I have seen a great increase on stings when it comes to kiddie porn across the US. We had several people in our region picked up a few months ago and 2 within a few blocks of our house and we live in a town of 8,000 people. Sadly, my son looks like he is about 10 or 12 years old and that combined with "innocence" makes him a double target. The real target will be the one that touches him and gets caught - my target just once. I have found that the topic "embarrasses" people so they just shrink away from it or let's say try to shrink away from it. Thank you for your comments and I wish instead of agreeing that I could be stating a list of facts to say you were wrong but not in this lifetime.

[JaiJai]

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[Guest GingerSnap]

Jai-Jai: I do stay at home and take care of my son 24/7. I also homeschooled about 90% of his education. I love my son with all my heart and soul and don't want him to be abused in any way. It is not paranoia. Just as you minimized what was done to my husband and my son, I saw this with other inappropriate sexual behavior within my husband's family. It was a highly sexualized environment nothing like I grew up in, thank God. His father had taken an immediate disliking to me before I spoke a word. There are many, many people who are sick and waiting to take advantage of those that cannot protect themselves. Everyone wants to brush off the behavior and pretend that is not what is happening. I did read one of your blog entries and it made me think that you may have been sexually abused and that may be why you want to minimize what happened to my son and husband because what you went through was so much worse? I recall something about sex at a young age. Is that where this hostility is coming from? Seriously, is there something you want to talk about? I really feel for all of those that have been abused in anyway as children or adults for that matter. It is unlikely that my son will ever enter another program especially if changes are not made with Adult Protective Services and I am working to promote those changes being made and it is, sadly, unlikely that he will outlive us both and he has an older brother that would make sure that no one was inappropriate with our son. I am also looking at faith-based programs, smaller ones and although I know that there are more than a couple people that claim to be Godly that aren't, I think it would be a safer choice. Also, the day center had a sex ring running out of one of the group homes and it is a continuing problem from what I have heard. I am sorry you find it offensive that I want to protect my son from perverts. What ever happened to you, I am sorry for that too, really. It is really hard to protect children and those that are vulnerable but we do have an obligation to try.