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AmyeH

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Nice to meet you too :( thanks for the message.

I'm still not doing too good. Am on 4 medications now and am still finding the right ones for me. I'm still very unstable. I never would have thought that this process would and could take so long. I'm in intensive therapy which doesn't seem to be making any progress either. The therapist is lovely but she is very much psycho-analytical-based and it doesn't seem to be helping. At the moment I'm struggling the most with my anxiety and have been having frequent moments and hours of depersonalisation and derealisation. Walls tilting in front of me, being unable to talk or move, seeing in black and white and much more. I was on Clonazepam 3 x a day but it wasn't helping.

Now I'm on Lexapro, Lithium, Abilify and Etomine for sleep.

I quit my job about a month ago as I can't go back to working there. Too much stress and travelling.

It's been decided already that I'll be going in to a full time live-in intensive program when I leave the hospital but I am still unfortunately not stable enough.

Lots going on and lots happened but that's the gist of it.

Any advice much appreciated.

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Hello, Amy, I'm glad to to hear from you! I'm sorry you only have sad news... :( I don't have any advise :( :(, I just hope very much that you receive the best possible care... Don't you consider to return to UK? I don't know if the mental-health care there is better than in Israel, but... this is just something that comes to my mind when I see you struggling in a 'foreign' country: Why not to go 'home'? I'm sorry, it's probably a silly and very ungrounded idea... :o

BTW, did you ask about a possibility to receive another type of therapy? I don't think psychoanalysis isn't good (I've been very satisfied with mine!), but... as you feel you'd need something more goal- and praxis- oriented, then it would be good to ask. I wonder what they'll tell you...

Take care and keep posting if possible!! :-)

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Hey LaLa,

It's great to hear from you.

Yeah, sorry I couldn't come back here with some better news ;) It's all like a bad dream I am waiting to wake up from, it really is.

My dad and sister think that I should go back to England - I have a few reasons as to why I don't want to - I know there would be pros and cons but more cons than pros.

From what I hear, I'm in the best mental health hospital in the country. That's what everyone is saying. The language barrier is somewhat challenging but I luckily have English speaking staff where I need it mostly, with the psychologist, she has very good English so we speak in English and with the social worker, her English is not as good but still good so we speak in English where needs be. It's good practise anyway for my Hebrew ;) With the psychiatrist, it's been a bit annoying, she doesn't speak English asides from a few words, so it's been pretty frustrating to try and describe symptoms to her such as dissociation. i.e. "The walls were tilting in front of me" - It's difficult enough to explain in English!

But I am happy with the level of care. I know that I would get nowhere as much care and therapy if I were back in England. I see the psychologist 3 times a week, the psychiatrist I can go to as much as needs be and meet with the social worker who is lovely, twice a week. We have art therapy each morning and group therapy 5 days a week for 30 minutes each both in the morning and afternoons - Now I'm starting to sound real busy here lol - It is still tough, from 12.30pm after lunch for the rest of the day, asides from a 30 minute group therapy session, we have nothing to do. So that's a lot of hours to be alone with your thoughts and just purely for the boredom factor, is difficult. But I'm still trying to be thankful for what I have.

Glad the psychoanalysis is good for you - There are times where my therapist uses different techniques and doesn't say "that goes back to your childhood"(!). But again, I'm trying to be thankful for what I have, she is so nice. There are only another 2 therapists that work with our ward that I could go to, but I think they also use the same methods as my therapist. And after all of these 9 months, I'd feel bad going to ask to switch. Plus, in order to start over with someone new would be tough, to start all at the beginning again without knowing me. So, I think I'll stick with the current therapist. Grass is greener on the other side and all a that.

So, on I go... It's lots of ups and downs, the downs being most of the time and the 'ups' is me feeling reasonably OK where I have a few hours, a day or a few days of that.

I don't know what will be with the medications. At one point, I was on 7 medications, just way too much, so I asked to come off of 3, and now I'm on 4, and it's made no difference to my moods and how I was feeling. I really just think that the medications are not right and need to be adjusted. They are helping now just a tiny bit - Maybe we are getting somewhere - But have to see where we're going to go from now.

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Hey, Amy,

thanks for the explanations! ;) I think I understand ;)... I like your remark:

Grass is greener on the other side and all a that

It's a good attitude to be thankful for what you have! :(

from 12.30pm after lunch for the rest of the day, asides from a 30 minute group therapy session, we have nothing to do. So that's a lot of hours to be alone with your thoughts and just purely for the boredom factor, is difficult.

And what do they recommend you to do? I would recommend mostly reading, but... you mentioned once that this wasn't an option (?)... And can you sometimes go for a walk in a park (I imagine there is one) around the ward? And can you listen to music (from something like a walkman or an iPod, ...)? ... Or can you do that 'art therapy' (or simply; can you do anything creative) also alone, not only during the sessions? ...

I hope they'll find the right meds for you soon...

Hugs,

L.

P.S.: You can speak Hebrew :eek:! Wow!

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I actually managed to read for the first time on Saturday. When I am feeling a bit better, I can manage to read... But it's been a few months coming. It's a good sign for me though.

Oh boy, I stopped taking Clonazepam on Friday... I felt OK until Sunday and then my head started to buzz, I had a headache and my anxiety sky-rocketed. Then Today, Monday, my head was buzzing like crazy and the room was tilting and all kinds of things. I went to go and speak with the psychiatrist and she put me back on 0.5mg of Clonazepam and within 30 minutes, my head went back to normal! So that's a kind of relief. I want to be on as little medication as possible all around, so I'll make sure that they adjust the 0.5mg to 0.25mg soon so that I can come off of it.

I managed pretty good with the boredom today. I've been managing a lot better with it, keep telling myself that I am safe and being looked after and need to be in the hospital, etc, but it's still tough. I really had that word 'but', but lol.

Truth is, I hate to speak too soon, but I've been feeling better mood-wise in the last few days. I really have to keep in mind that the last 2 times I did this and left the hospital, I ended up relapsing and came straight back. But I'm not going anywhere fast... I have at least 2 months here before I leave to go to the full time live-in program rehabilitation program. So it'll be good that I can hopefully work on seeing that I am stable enough and the medications are doing enough to help me. I hope.

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Hope u feel better.

Thank you ;)

Does anyone have any experience as to coming off of a Benzo?

2 days ago, I woke up with the shakes, my head spinning around and (difficult to describe) but an internal buzzing going on too inside of there. I rode it out for a few hours until I met with my psychologist and the whole room was spinning around so I went to my psychiatrist after to explain what had been going on with me. Within 5 minutes I was back on the Clonazepam and within 30 minutes, my head was back to normal! So that was because I came off to fast from it.

Quite the relief.

But now I need to see about coming off of it. I'm only on 0.5mg in the morning and was on 3 x a day before. But I'm doing OK on 0.5mg just in the morning. My doctor didn't give a specific schedule as to how I should taper off of it, in fact, I heard her tell the nurse that I am going back on 0.5mg as a regular thing, without mention about coming off of it. So if I need to split the pills myself, then I will!

Thanks.

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so how are u doing?

Hey,

Nice to hear from you.

I'm doing OK thank you. I still feel this positive change in me and wonder if it could be the medications (and of course perhaps, a mix of therapy and all of the support and relaxation I am getting from the hospital). But I think it has a lot to do with the medications. We'll see.

Feel free to check out my blog at quietbpd . wordpress.com - I write plenty there about what's going on about me ;)

How are you doing?

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Im ok today but its been a weird month, i whent to my psiquiatra and i didnt told him how i felt coz he was kinda in a hurry he usually asks me questions and im the one on a hurry but that time i whanted to talk and coulndt, later that day i was suposed to see my psychologist but then i found out she was on a 2 weak vacation. I was really bad for some days desperate and i whent to see a priest friends of mine and he wasent there also. A few days later i whent back and he was there i was about to talk to him when a man came in spoke with him 2 secs about another man that was dying in the hospital so the priest left and i didnt speak with him, i was sorry for the man dying but i coulnd belive it, there was no one to talk and i was feelling so empty. Yesterday my psychologist vacations ended and i was supose to go visit her, but she called me and told me her mother was in the hospital. So i have been ok this weak but sometimes these sadness comes to me that i cant control i feel so empty that i just whant to die. I try to understant why these happends to me, i take meds i feel a little better but when these days come i just feel scared of me.

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Im ok today but its been a weird month, i whent to my psiquiatra and i didnt told him how i felt coz he was kinda in a hurry he usually asks me questions and im the one on a hurry but that time i whanted to talk and coulndt, later that day i was suposed to see my psychologist but then i found out she was on a 2 weak vacation. I was really bad for some days desperate and i whent to see a priest friends of mine and he wasent there also. A few days later i whent back and he was there i was about to talk to him when a man came in spoke with him 2 secs about another man that was dying in the hospital so the priest left and i didnt speak with him, i was sorry for the man dying but i coulnd belive it, there was no one to talk and i was feelling so empty. Yesterday my psychologist vacations ended and i was supose to go visit her, but she called me and told me her mother was in the hospital. So i have been ok this weak but sometimes these sadness comes to me that i cant control i feel so empty that i just whant to die. I try to understant why these happends to me, i take meds i feel a little better but when these days come i just feel scared of me.

It sounds like it's been a bit of a weird month for you. I am sorry to hear that.

I can totally understand when you say about the bad days coming along - It's highly unpleasant and scary, especially when you are feeling when you don't want to live. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.

Promise me, there are better days to come.

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Amy,

the only thing I know about coming off of any psych. drug is it has to be done very slowly, quite a long time lowering the doses. Then the withdrawal symptoms are not so pronounced. I hope they'll find the right rate for you...

I'm glad to hear you were able to read! Go ahead with it ;)!

I wish you more better days like those you described... ;)

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Many thanks.

I'm just sitting outside though as there is group therapy on Tuesday's where everyone has to speak. I just can't do it. I choke up, the blood rushes to my face and my face goes red. Gives me a panic attack. I think we should add social anxiety to my diagnoses!!

I've got some way to go with things.

I just saw my psychiatrist and it's ok now. She said that we'll be halving and quatering 0.5mg pills so I'm happy with that.

How are you LaLa?

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It sounds like it's been a bit of a weird month for you. I am sorry to hear that.

I can totally understand when you say about the bad days coming along - It's highly unpleasant and scary, especially when you are feeling when you don't want to live. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.

Promise me, there are better days to come.

The probleme is for example tha yesterday i felt like crap, today i feel i can own the world. And these mixed emotions i dont like them at all, i dont understand how today i feel i can do anything and tomorrow i feel hopeless, i get scared. The next time i go to my psiquiatra im asking for my diagnostic.

Anyway im great today :D hope it last a couple of days more. i also try to not get to exited when i feel like these.

Its nice to see they treat u well at the hospital.

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Mixed emotions are difficult to deal with.

And having good and bad days are terribly difficult to deal with. The hope that when you have a good day the next day will also be a good day and then it turns out to be a bad one is horrible, truly horrible. This is what I am also going through and it's the most exhausting and disheartening thing.

I don't have such good days, more like reasonably OK days - But even so, after 16 months of having this mental breakdown and dealing with it, I will take reasonably good days and they are excellent for me, much of a relief. But then, like we're saying, you can switch the next day or just later on in the day and start to feel awful again, like you don't want to live and all the rest of it, not nice.

Maybe once you have this diagnostic test, it will give you some answers as to what you are facing and then they can perhaps adjust or add medication/s for you. It will also perhaps give you some clarity and like I was saying, give you some answers and peace of mind.

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How are you LaLa?

Thanks for asking. Please, don't ever feel (in any context) I'm ignoring you; I just have quite a few time for this forum. You can read more about me on my blog if you want and can (you can go there for instance by clicking on the number of blogs appearing in each of my posts in the 'info section' on the right side :D) but these days it's not very actual either ;). So just in general: I'm fine. Many changes, many challenges. Able to manage, so far. And not alone - that's very important.

I hope 'chatting' a bit on this forum can be one of the good ways of spending the excess of your free time :)!

Take care!

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I am first of all glad that you are not alone. Loneliness is tough. Before I came in to the hospital I was living alone and it did me very bad.

Maybe we can become blog buddies?!

I'm going to check out your blog later once I can get on my laptop.

Glad all seems well with you. Lots of changes I am interested in reading about.

All the best.

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