Want to hurt myself

[AmyeH]

The video doesn't seem to load on my phone. Dang. I'll have to try it on my computer tonight.

Ugh. I feel bad this morning. Trying to just accept it and let it pass but that's difficult to do when you feel so bad.

The thoughts of not wanting to live came back. I feel that I have no place in this world asides from in this darn hospital.

[SweetSue]

hi Amy

sorry your feeling so bad

can you talk with your nurse or therapist and let them know that your feeling so low today?

hope your day becomes easier

take care

[IrmaJean]

Amy, I am sorry for your pain and struggle. We are here and listening and we care about your well-being. I hope you can talk with someone there who can support you today.

[AmyeH]

Thanks for support. I really appreciate it.

Im doing ok. I'll be ok. I'm just feeling very strange. It's like a transitional period between feeling bad and good. I kind of feel both ways today! But it's a horrible feeling. Like a restless feeling. I'm really bored with the hospital but my anxiety has been less so at least I can be around in the day room a bit more. Or at least when I NEED to be. Like now. It's dinner time and I am not eating but we're locked out of our rooms so there is nowhere else to go.

I spoke with my psychiatrist today and she said that they don't want to raise the Prozac and want to see how I am feeling the next couple of days. She said that the weekend triggered me (true) and that the answer may not be to increase the anti depressant. Therapy it is. I'm still trying to work out what is the depression and what is the BPD. Or what is both. It feels like a mess.

[AmyeH]

I'm out of the hospital today. Currently sitting in a cafe. Feeling anxious, on edge and down and out. A bit of a hot mess.

I had to come out before the end of the month in order to get my name off of the apartment contract and stop any more money coming out of my bank account. My roommate found someone to move in with her so shes taking over my place. So from today, I'm officially home-less and living out of the hospital where I have been for 11 months.

I was very honest with the staff today and said that I wasn't feeling good and they still let me out. It's pretty intense though, the thoughts of not wanting to live have come back. If I knew my medicines better then I'd go in to the pharmacy here and take a load of pills. But I don't and I don't think anything will do the job.

I think this will be my last time out of the hospital in a while.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you, Amy. I hope that you are okay and safe. I also hope that your stay in the hospital helps you so that one day you will be able to leave and go home again.

[AmyeH]

Thanks. I appreciate it.

I've been here in hospital for 11 months now. My first hospital stay and my first experiences having a mental breakdown as such.

After my hospital stay, I'll be moving in to a rehabilitation program for one to three years. My belongings have now been compacted to 2 suitcases. I'm trying not to be sad about it. Many times I've tried to start from afresh and didn't succeed so I hope that this time round will be the time. I can't go through more of this again than I've been going through in the last year and a half.

[Lana73]

Hi Amy,

I am so happy that you are accepting help because getting better would be your keys to a stable and happy future. I am sorry about your living situation. You will be able to start fresh for sure. Everyone has an opportunity to do that. I had done it several times in my life.

Wishing you best of luck and I hope that this coming year will bring you only happy moments.

[AmyeH]

Hi Amy,

I am so happy that you are accepting help because getting better would be your keys to a stable and happy future. I am sorry about your living situation. You will be able to start fresh for sure. Everyone has an opportunity to do that. I had done it several times in my life.

Wishing you best of luck and I hope that this coming year will bring you only happy moments.

Thankas.

Yeah, I just really hope that this will be the time for change. Once and for all. I've tried so many times to make a go of things and become happier in life, it's crazy.

I'm really not feeling well but the psychiatrist says that it's because I've been out of the hospital twice and it's triggered me. I agree, it has. But she is saying that she doesn't want to raise the Prozac dosage (I'm currently on 40mg and can go up to 80mg) - But I am questioning whether the extra dosage could help me. Fine, I was triggered by outside things, but that's still in relation to the medications.

When I came back from outside yesterday I took 1mg Clonazepam to help calm me down a but and it helped luckily.

Unfortunately the trip out was a waste of time - The contract for the apartment is still in my name and the process is ongoing. I had 2 hours to waste in the bus station and my anxiety was pretty bad and I wasn't feeling good.

Today, I still feel bad. I don't know if there is any point in going to my psychiatrist because she's just going to say that I was triggered by outside and maybe it's a BPD thing that needs to be sorted out via therapy.

It's being a battle between what is depression and anxiety and what is BPD. There is of course only so much that the medication can do for the BPD. I feel like we haven't even started on that in therapy. That's how it feels anyway.

I can't describe the way I am feeling. Just this innner sinking horrible feeling and disgust. :(

[AmyeH]

I just met with the psychiatrist and she's raised the Prozac from 40mg to 50mg.

[AmyeH]

Yesterday, in therapy, my psychologist handed me 2 sheets of stapled paper and asked me to read it and tell her what I think. It was entitled AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) and summed me up quite well. I took it ok at first but then things went downhill.

I've been taking lots of Clonazepam to keep me calm and I'm not a happy bunny.

So now I have three diagnoses: 1. Major Depression 2. BPD and 3. AvPD.

Feel overwhelmed. Hopeless. Helpless.

Thoughts of hurting myself or worse. But the suicidal thoughts are pretty passive. I just don't want to wake up in the morning. Concerning hurting myself - there's nothing I can do in this damned hospital abyway. So I'm unfortunately safe.

[Lana73]

Hi Amy,

I am so glad that you are safe. Please understand, that having these diagnoses is not a death sentence. Right now you are on your way to get well and learn how to deal with them. A lot of people suffer from many different mental disorders (I really don't like to use these words). You will get better. Please believe in it.

[AmyeH]

Yes. It's good that I am safe because I know I'd be up to some pretty destructive things if I were out of the hospital right now. It's 4am now and bum wide awake. Took 15mg of Immovane at 10pm and it knocked me out for a few hours but now I'm wide awake.

I went to the nurses station to say I couldn't sleep and he laughed and said 'but you took 15mg Immovane?!' - yes sir! So he gave me 1mg of Clonazepam to at least try to dull me down a but and said there's nothing else he can do.

Fun times. This is every night without fail, I usually wake up between 4-5am. Early wake ups are a sign of depression no?

Keep raising that Prozac! I'm currently on 50mg.

[IrmaJean]

Diagnosis: human being.

None of us are perfect, Amy, and we all struggle at times. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I hope you can be gentle with yourself. Labels don't define you. You're human, as all of us are.

Feel overwhelmed. Hopeless. Helpless.

I hear you, Amy, from the place you are in at this time. I hope you can allow a space for hope. Things can change and improve. You can learn to take care of yourself. A little at a time. You'll get there. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[AmyeH]

Thank you for your words of encouragement Jean.

Things are tough going. On top of all of this I am dealing with insomnia. It's 4am now and I've been awake for an hour. Slept for 3 hours from 12 when they gave me 2 Immovane - 15mgs- now they've given me 40mgs Clothiapine.

I've tried several sleep meds and nothing keeps me sleep - even the strongest of meds at double the dosage.

Doesn't do too good for my moods the next day too.

Losing my will to fight.

[Lana73]

Hi Amy,

I don't understand why your doctors have to increase the dosage of your sleeping aid. It is kind of dangerous and from what I know it is very addictive. Please, be careful. Have you tried reading before you go to sleep? Herbal tea? I am sorry, I don't know what is available to you in the hospital.

Please take care and I will be thinking of you.

[AmyeH]

Hi Amy,

I don't understand why your doctors have to increase the dosage of your sleeping aid. It is kind of dangerous and from what I know it is very addictive. Please, be careful. Have you tried reading before you go to sleep? Herbal tea? I am sorry, I don't know what is available to you in the hospital.

Please take care and I will be thinking of you.

Yeah, I've tried reading, showering, walking, herbal tea etc etc before going to sleep but nothing helps.

The problem is not falling asleep, it's staying asleep which is the problem.

In the past 3 nights I've fallen asleep at 11pm and woken up at 3am, and haven't managed to get back to sleep. Last night they gave me Clothiapine 40mg at 3.30am but it did nothing.

The double dosage of Immovane, they were convinced that it should work for me as it's so strong. In all honesty, I've 'overdosed' on that before, I took 8 of them, and I slept for 4 hours. Bad me I know. Messing with my brain.

I'm a walking zombie.

I spoke with my psychiatrist and the head psychiatrist yesterday - They said they want to reduce the Lithium and Abilify, which I am very happy about because I know it's doing nothing. Then they're going to see about a couple more sleeping meds to try.

[AmyeH]

They've raised the Prozac to 60mg (max it can be is 80mg).

They've taken away the Abilify completely.

They want to reduce the Lithium gradually. Hope that will happen sometime soon.

The psychiatrist thinks that the medications are causing the sleep problems. (Even though I've been taking them for many months with no problems). So that's why they are reducing them and taking them away. I'm glad of it anyway because I know they don't help so I don't want to be taking medications unnecessarily.

Asides from medication changes, my mood has been a bit better for a couple of days but I am still taking it hard about the new diagnosis and am thinking about how messed up I am and how much work I have to do. I can't ever see myself being, for example, a good wife and mother. I worry about how long this is going to take for me to heal from these diagnoses. If it's going to be a lifetime of these symptoms and relapsing depression.

I've really let myself go and haven't showered in a week, the Prozac has raised my mood but I'm still a wreck.

[SweetSue]

Hi Amy

I know its hard hun - and I know that at times its easy to think and say to yourself things are never gonna get better - but they can and sometimes things can improve beyond your wildest expectations.

I was in a mental health hospital for two years as a teenager. And you best believe at times it felt like I was always gonna be ill, depressed, suiciadal - a real no hoper - lost cause, ya know.

Well its a good job I never managed to succeed in most of the things i planned back then. Coz I EVENTUALLY got out (YAY). Found myself work, more supprisingly (to me at anyrate) managed to work and pay my way through night school then college. Got off my medications and stayed off them for 15 years. HA who'd of thought it - I certainly didnt.

There was a time I thought I could never be a good wife and a good moma - but I was a good wife, and I was a good moma.

So come on hun, from one inpatient to another - go get in that shower !!!

Things will become easier for you hun, try and hang on in there - please

Take care

Sue

[Lana73]

Hi Amy,

I am sorry you are down, sweetie. It must be hard to stay in the hospital for such a long time. You already made such a great progress. Keep on going, Girl and we will be here supporting you.

And yes, Sue is right- get in that shower.... right now!!!

[AmyeH]

Thank you Sue and Lana. You are sweet and helpful.

I had that shower and felt better for it.

I had a pretty relaxing weekend feeling OK and calm but now it's Sunday, the first day of the week here, I am not feeling good at all.

I know that the Prozac is helping and taking the edge off but I need more of an edge taken off. This is so painful and difficult and I'm so all over the place.

I feel sick to the stomach.

I don't want to do these hospital activities any more, they're grating on me. I hate the 7am wake up alarm with the nurses coming in and screaming at us to get up and the light being turned on. I have no energy to even type and talk any more.

All I have is 2 suitcases to my name and a broken soul.

[Lana73]

Dear Amy,

I don't want to do these hospital activities any more, they're grating on me. I hate the 7am wake up alarm with the nurses coming in and screaming at us to get up and the light being turned on. I have no energy to even type and talk any more.

That part must be very tough. Can you tell them that you don't feel good and don't want to participate in those activities when you don't feel like doing them?

I understand that you have to adhere to their schedules and procedures.

All I have is 2 suitcases to my name and a broken soul.

No, Amy, you don't have just 2 suitcases. They don't represent who you are. You are Amy, sweet and kind person who has been through a lot in her life and is still fighting and trying to make the best out of her situation. We are so much bigger than all material possessions in the world. And you don't have a broken soul. You just scratched by life a bit, like all of us.

[AmyeH]

Dear Amy,

That part must be very tough. Can you tell them that you don't feel good and don't want to participate in those activities when you don't feel like doing them?

I understand that you have to adhere to their schedules and procedures.

No, Amy, you don't have just 2 suitcases. They don't represent who you are. You are Amy, sweet and kind person who has been through a lot in her life and is still fighting and trying to make the best out of her situation. We are so much bigger than all material possessions in the world. And you don't have a broken soul. You just scratched by life a bit, like all of us.

Unfortunately, we need to attend all activities. I see the good and the bad in it. If you don't go to the activities then you have to hide out somehwhere and there is nowhere comfortable to go. They lock our doors in the morning after breakfast so we can't go in there for anything, to rest in our beds, or get or do anything. It sucks. Even if you're feeling seriously mentally sick, they won't let you stay in bed and make you get up. Even when you are physically sick, you need to get permission from your doctor to stay in the room. They make a real big deal out of it.

I attend all activities and really put an effort in, but it's not easy.

Thank you for your kind words Lana - I wish that I could feel like I had something going for me.

These mood shifts are virtually unbearable. I've gone from feeling physically sick because I was in so much distress this morning to having urges to self harm, to want to die, then to want to live but just hurt myself, then to not feeling nauseous, then to feeling totally calm physically but mentally 'buzzing', then to totally calm like now. Mood stabilisers don't help? Only therapy can stop these crazy shifts?

[SweetSue]

Hi Amy,

I had that shower and felt better for it.

Glad you had that shower hun!!!

I don't want to do these hospital activities any more, they're grating on me. I hate the 7am wake up alarm with the nurses coming in and screaming at us to get up and the light being turned on. I have no energy to even type and talk any more.

Hospital activities can be nothing short of a waking nightmare at times, they often drive me up the wall - especially when the nurse doing the 'rounding up of patients' is a screamer! :eek:

We get woken up at around 6:30 - 7am, which is normally around the time I have finally manage to fall asleep - very frustrating. The joys of hospital life I guess

Yeah, I realise Im not being very helpful, just wanted to say that I know where your coming from, and in my own little way can relate and understand.

Hope things become easier for you, and that your day is kind to you:o

Take care

[AmyeH]

Hi Sue,

How is your hospitalisation going? How are you feeling?

Thing here are a bit better today. Since Sunday, they were horrendous... I was feeling extremely suicidal and was close to being sent to the closed ward, loads of intrusive thoughts, high anxiety, lots of Clonazepam taking, wanting to seriously self-harm, etc. But I made it through the week so far.

I was sent from one nurse to the next, to one psychiatrist to the head psychiatrist, all checking me over and out to make sure I wasn't a serious danger to myself.

Luckily the staff are on my case and are checking up on me. I had a few times of feeling very impulsive and was going to try to end my life by doing something very silly. Luckily I didn't try.