friend

[DarknessRules]

turns out that i have a bit more time. you ask that if it turns out badly can i trust myself to be alright. honestly i havnt been alright sence she left and was gone for 4.5 years. i was alright at first after i moved out of her house out of state but thats because we texted everyday. when the fights started i wasnt. and this last visit with her i wasnt alright. and now that shes gone again im not alright. my mind has been on her for so long... you see when she was gon for 4.5 years we talked online very rarely. but in those times she has saved my life a few times. and when i had the chance to save hers i failed. getting off topic... i dont know if i would be alright therefor i cant trust that i will be... i dont know if i would take my life if she were to leave it forever but at that point that states that i dont know what i would do... maybe i will maybe i wont... i wont know untill it happens... and i know she will leave my life cause everyone dose eventualy... its just a matter of when...also in that it states that ive been trying to separate myself from the pain for many years... also it should also be stated that though yes i do need to tell her how i feel about her i also know that me and her will not be goin out or dateing or what ever word you wish to use... she dosnt see me in that way... i have more to say but my extra time has come to an end. i might be on again later.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi DR,

I want to try to get you to think about some of what you have been reporting in order to be helpful and hot harmful. I would just like to shake up your feelings just a little. So, here goes:

Why do you seem to believe you can't live without her and why do you believe she saved your life and why do you believe you failed to help her?

See, what I am questioning is that you may be idealizing the situation with her. That means you may be convincing your self that it has been better than it really has.

What about the fact that you have your own strengths and that you helped her a lot and that you saved your life? You seem to short sell yourself, not give yourself enough credit for who you are, which is, a very caring and capable person.

What about the idea that your life is worth living no matter what?

You really need to care about and care for yourself first, then, for others.

Darkness does not have to rule. let the light in.

allan

[DarknessRules]

well i had a reply written. it was a long one. it took me a while to type and then i pressed the wrong butten and its gone now. so ill rewrite it when i get home.

[DarknessRules]

ok hopefully this computer lasts long enough to reply. you bring up a few good points. i would like to answer the questions for you. to the best of my abilitys.

why i believe she saved my life. well there were many times i felt hopeless and wished to... well end it... but she always knew just what to say to lift my hopes and make me happier. ive come very close. but she pulled me away from the idea many times. kept me going at my worst. gave me strength when i needed it most. so in a sence she saved my life.

why do i feel i failed her. well yes its true that when she came to me asking for help i was able to help her feel a little better but when she needed me most i was unable to get to her in time... she made an attempt on her life. and i couldnt stop her. that still bothers me to this day. i feel like i failed her...

why i seem to believe i cant live without her. well thats a bit harder to answer... i dont fully understand it myself... well from what i do understand its that she was the second love. my first died in my arms. so i really made a strong connection with my friend. believing that i could lose her just as easily. thats my guess at why i feel this way.its kinda hard to guess at why you have the emotions you have ya know?

may be makeing the past look better then it was. yes that is true. it has been long time. memorys get distorted the gool looks better and the bad gets forgotten. its very posable that im makein it better in my head.

my own strength. yes its true that i have my own strength. it takes a lot to bring me to the point of wanting to harm myself. much less getting to the point that i wish for death. i am strong. even if i dont always see it.

i helped her alot. yes this is true. when ever she ask for it. but when i was there with her i couldnt help her. even though she needed it alot. its easyer to help someone when your not there and they ask for it.

i saved my life. i guess you could say that. with what she said i used that to save my life. well when its put in that context it sounds like im manipulating her... and isnt that what we do in this place? give helpful words to make people feel better. but its still a good thought though. there have been times when i had to talk myself down. that was hard and very painful. i felt very alone and unloved and unwanted... but i made it through...

sell myself short. very careing person. yes it is true that i sell myself short. often times feeling like im a useless good for nothing... well you get the point. i am very careing person. i feel i have to help those in need. and it makes me feel better when i can help. so i love helping people. when i can bring myself to talk to them...

my life is worth liveing no matter what. well idk. thats a hard thought to believe. i try to. but its just hard. ive been thinking about death for so long. how much i fear it. how much i want it. and many other things. it would be great to not think about it anymore. but you see i hear voices and they tell me things that i wish they wouldnt...

i need to care about a for myself. yes this is true. everyone tells me this... i just wish i didnt have to do it alone... i hate being alone...

darkness and light. one thing ive learned is that the light is over rated and can be just as lonely and depressing as the darkness. so i found my place in darkness where i can be fairly content most of the time. accept what you have cause it could be worse...

thanks for the post. it did make me try to look at it from another perspective.