Do I exist?

[Artmaker]

Hello BPD's

I'm having difficulties writing this err.....I am in recovery for alcoholism , I have been for 2-3 years now and 12 months in I felt there was still something wrong I felt suicidal and isolated from life which got me a visit to the doctor and a prescription for anti-depressants which have helped a lot and I managed to find a self help group whilst I still attended AA ,everything has been improving since and I am now looking to start University next year at the age of 35 and I am in a steady healthy relationship although strained at times due to my/our "idiosyncrasies".

However I think am just discovering that all these years I have been at the mercy of a variety "personality disorders" I thought I might of been Bipolar at least cyclothymic (which I still maybe) ...but err

This is weird I'm trying to think straight whilst I type and I can feel my brain firing all types of brain signals...

Is it possible to have a mixture of Personality disorders ?

I'm not sure what to do next or how to talk about it ,My worst fear at the moment is that I am attention seeking or attempting to be something more than just an alcoholic which is what my sponsor keeps saying , I want a chance to understand myself and to be free of this obsession I have which says, Who am I ?

I can identify with so much of the information that has been put on this web sight ,and I feel very lonely, scared and insecure since reading about Personality disorders this last few days.

Yet I already feel that I have learned something new about myself and my "who am I obsession" seems a little weaker, I feel Bizarre!

Also I am angry that I am doing all this without any help from the medical services.

Can anybody relate to this or should I just stop moaning and looking for issues that I can't drink on anymore .please help,

[Artmaker]

Hi Web sight

I thought I would post an update to my last ramble.

I am using this sight to relieve some of the stress I have been feeling recently since I identified with the diagnosis's on this web sight, I am enjoying looking every 8 hours or so to see if I have any replies.

I have been noticing that my thinking is quite pathological at times, for instance I'm off to an AA meeting tonight which sounds and feels good right now whilst I'm sat here in my flat ,however I noticed recently how when the meeting actually starts I tense up and suddenly notice all the people ;it doesn't matter how well I know the people I begin to feel a build up of anxiety and fear that is pushed along by my thoughts ,I will focus on a negative stream of thought and just get stuck on it .So I am doing what I have been told to do and that is to find somewhere to talk and discuss it, so that it looses it's power so thats what I have done.

Thanks for being here who ever you all are.

I have to go but I am feeling more emotions since I declared myself with a personality disorder and I am enjoying them !

[Guest ASchwartz]

Welcome, Artmaker,

And congratulations on going to AA meetings.

While it is possible to have several personality disorders, I believe that it is much more important to see a psychotherapist: Clinical Psychologist or Licensed Clinical Social Worker or Psychiatrist, if you want a diagnosis. By the way, psychotherapy would be a nice way to supplement your AA meetings.

Can you tell us more about your self and how you came to start drinking? In fact, anything you can tell us will help.

Do you have friends, have you been married, do you have a girl friend, etc.

Thanks,

Allan

[Artmaker]

I started drinking because I wanted to fit in, I had always had problems with friendships let alone relationships ,I was either angry and depressed or arrogant and lawless, I have always had eczema which made it difficult for me to sit still and concentrate at school , it flares up when I am stressed and causes me more stress, its a nightmare, when I feel stress I get angry and worry .When I first started drinking I realized that I could relax more and sleep better I formed some dodgy friendship and discovered drugs! 18 years later I wanted to die but couldn't do it.Ive messed up every job and kept myself away from relationships for 12 of those years.

I'm doing better now thanks to AA but I still get stressed (who doesn't) Ive been on Prozac and had 3 lots of counseling, I joined a weekly depression group and I attend 1-3 AA meetings a week. I now have a girlfriend who is also in AA which can be difficult sometimes (women!).

I'm not sure what to say other than I can relate to the symptoms of 3 or 4 personality disorders as well ,oh I have found a new charity in Stoke-on-Trent called changes which seems very professional and I'm trying to get on one of there training programs.

My inner world changes fast and I have difficulty's keeping up especially when I try to integrate with real life and other peoples timescales.On the outside I look fine apart from my eczema So people can't understand me. including my girlfriend and family.But I feel the rejection and humiliation from the benefits agency the worst.

I am determined to have a life even if I don't want one most of the time. Keep up the good work and God bless.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Dear Artmaker,

I want to tell you to keep up the good work. Yes, sobriety and mental health are hard work. You are doing great. Keep up the good work. By the way, I hope you are not leaving us. We would like to hear more from you and your comments about other posts.

Allan

[Mrgti989]

Artmaker,

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulity and understand your lack of identification. Can we take a look at your past? I believe that your problems stems from your parents. I'm just guessing at this as I don't know your history. But I would guess that your parents, possibly your father felt like a failure. I'm not saying that he is a failure, I'm just saying that he felt like one. To compensate for his self worth, he pushed his dreams onto you. He wasn't successful at whatever he wanted to do or be so pushed his dreams onto you. Since these are not your dreams, you were forced to adapt to his wishes at a young age and essentially took on some of his personality. Your lack of idenity today is because you never devolped a personality of your own while growing up. You kept your father's personality that he implanted into you. This personality is not necessairly your father, but more of a mix of your father and what he precieved as being a sucess.

The drinking problem is just a mask, a means of escape to hide from the pain of not being yourself. Once you develop your own unique personality, then the drinking problem should subside on its own accord. I'm not saying that you should stop AA classes; by far continue them.

Hope this helps. Good luck.