Here's to reading and posting awfully depressing things about our personality and trauma!!

[Lana73]

I would feel the same way, DD. This site is not designed to judge anyone. No one is in your shoes and it is YOUR life, therefore there should be no critisizing or telling you what you SHOULD do. We are here to help and support one another.

You have been a valuable member and I hope you will stay.

[LaLa]

I wouldn't be able to express it better of in a similar but complementary manner, so I just say: I agree with IJ and Lana! I want you to know it, DD . I like your respectful way of expressing and defending yourself here.

[devils daughter]

Thanks, everybody. We want to make sure that Jai still feels welcome, too.

If I can defend myself in a way that is socially acceptable, then I feel safe and I don’t feel a need to withdraw personally. And I guess that if I do it in a way that others find acceptable, then I don’t need to withdraw because of them, either.

As I’ve kind of alluded to, asserting oneself, standing up for oneself, disagreeing so that the unintentional effect is that somebody else feels embarrassed – all those were no-no’s in my family of origin. So it got very, very confusing. As well as unsafe. And the assertive I-me withdrew from the world psychologically. In anger and hostility. Some folks withdraw in sadness, I suppose. In either case we’re gone.

Not good for us. Not good for society, either, as our potential talents are not being used to best advantage.

Thanks very much for the feedback. And thanks, too, to Jai for being herself.

[IrmaJean]

Yes, we want everyone to feel welcome. We can all learn from one another.

[JaiJai]

..............

[devils daughter]

What gift is it which my sibling has given me, Jai? Again, you don't have the facts about my situation. Are you sure that you're not confusing my situation with your own?

For instance, do you have siblings? What was your situation when your mother was declining? Did you make sacrifices in your own life to care for her? What had your relationship been like before she started to decline?

[JaiJai]

My sister is still working and had other demands on her time but she sees her about once a week now, I think.

Now that Mother has advanced dementia she still knows who I am but she lacks the ability to carry on much of a conversation. The last year I’ve been going up on special occasions or once every couple of months or so.

[devils daughter]

Those are some of the facts, Jai, not all.

I didn't write about the previous years when my sister rarely went to see my mother even though they live in the same city, or what she did to encourage my mother to continue to pay for the maid after Mother went into assisted living. I didn't write about the visit when my mother talked about how she felt like nobody cared about her, so I went up every two or three weeks and took her on outings, etc., for several years -- continuing to treat her as a person as her "personhood" was waning. As I said, my sister "had other demands on her time." Despite the maid, despite Mother helping her financially all her adult life. I didn't talk about how Mother couldn't or wouldn't talk to my sister or aunt when she felt the staff had treated her disrespectfully, but she did talk to me. I didn't talk about how I got my aunt and sister together, despite the difficult family dynamics, so that we could advocate on Mother's behalf. I didn't talk about how incredibly difficult it was to deal with so closely with my aunt because her husband had molested me when I was 13 and she had never been told about it. I didn't talk about all the times when I was in the facility with Mother, getting to know the staff and observing how they treated her. I didn't talk about the nurse who has been there the whole time Mother has and the relationship that they have developed.

Those are just a few of the other facts about my situation.

What about yours? What is it about you and your situation that causes you to attack me like you have -- like you do so many people on this site? Are you unaware that you do this to people? I can't help but wonder if you have some unresolved feelings about your own situation that are getting mixed up in how you see things. Maybe not -- but you're not answering my questions. Or volunteering much other information, either.

[devils daughter]

Your perceptions are your perceptions, Jai.

[malign]

Actually, no, it's the moderators' decision whether or not a post is an attack, Jai.

Dismissive sarcasm, to me, fits the bill. If a person is not able to provide supportive feedback to a given post, it is definitely an option not to provide any at all.

DD has repeatedly suggested that instead of finding fault with her decisions, you might try discussing the reasons behind yours. Of course, you're not required to do that, but it's yet another possible way of responding.

In other words, there are options. Getting angry at people who haven't done anything to you isn't really one of them, though.

[Tsunami]

((((DD))))) --

The cold hard bitches you describe, I'm so sorry you had to deal with all of that. I'm so sorry your introject has given you such pain. I hope you were able to accept it in yourself, and somehow integrate it into your being so it will no longer have such a stronghold on you. I think your choice to eliminate them from dealing with you is one that will hopefully bring you peace. I am sorry to hear that your mother passed.

I have a needy part of me that I have been struggling with big time. It's painful to have to accept something no one else likes, I get that. I hope we both are on the road to recovery. All of us deserve to feel peace,.