I'm a mess...

[DangerR]

Hello all.

I'm 23 years old. Male. I have been feeling terrible for over a month now i think. this is a rant and i will talk about alot of stuff.

The sad thing is i should be really happy now.

I've finished all exams on my college, i only need to to my master work now, and that's it.I've got nothing else to worry me, i should be happy and enjoying the summer. Instead of my feeling really happy about that i'm feeling terrible and can't seem to feel proud and good about my achivement. I'm stressed as hell about my master work because it's not going for so well. I also need to go run by some organisations so they fill up my questionares but i'm afraid, i don't know why, but i'm terribly anxious about it, i never did anything like that.

I want to quit smoking for over a year now. But i just can't. everytime i fail and feel dissapointed and so mad at myself.

I want to quit gaming for a year now. But like with smoking i can't. Again, dissapointment and rage. I'm so mad at myself i would rip my skin off, not even kidding.

After a bad relationship i was single for a quite long time, almost 2 years now. I was starting to get depressed about that also. Now i have a girlfriend, and i thought i would be happier, but i'm not. She's a great girl and i don't have problems with her, but i still just ain't feeling too good.

I'm suffering from severe mood swings. I'm happy, i'm mad, i'm sad and all that in one hour.

Bad moods can happen to me, but t comes and goes and i wouldn't consider myself depressed. But i just ain't alrite the last month.

I can't seem to get a grip on my life. At home the only thing i do is play games and smoke. THE 2 THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO STOP DOING!! I'm so maaad. I can't force myself to do anything constructive and get a move on.

I feel everything is bipolar in my life. I think i have fears of relatshionships but at the same time i crave attention and love. I want it, i don't want it... I'm such a mess, i never know what i really want and what will make me happy.

During my life i developed the attitude "i don't need anyone, i solve everything myself" . I ain't used to sharing my problems, i ain't used to asking for help, but the stupid part thing is that i think i would like to be different, but i developed in a different way. Yeah i know this is confusing, it's confusing for me also.

I joke about everything, i'm never serious because if i'm serious i feel vunreable. So when i try to be serious people think i'm not. it's a vicious circle.

lately i started thinking that i have personality disorder.

For example, i'm close to accomplising my goal, which is completing college, and instead of feeling happy i'm feelign anxious, afraid and like a failure. it's so weird.

i crave attention from others. One of the biggest fear i had as a child is that i would be left all alone. In the same time i run from people, not willing to get really emotionally attached. i don't trust people. i always think about hidden agendas and don't believe people are sincere.

Sometimes i do have suicide thoughts. I didn't have them lately, but sometimes i do. When i broke up with my last girlfriend, i took 10 pills. i had no idea what i took, i just took something i found at home. i didn't wanted to kill myself tho, i think i just craved attention.

i have a wild temper. i can get mad in a second and burst out. but i control that pretty good with people i don't know well. with people i do know i can burst out easily.

i was also very anxious in social situations. now i'm not like that, but i can still suffer from it times to times....

My whole life i felt like something is different with me in comparison to other people... i'm pretty sure i have some kinda of mental disorder.

well i know i typed alot and that i probably look like a nutcase right now, but if someone has something to say, i would appreacite it

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to our community, Danger R. There is no judgment here. We are here to support one another.

I'm sorry that you are struggling. It sounds as though you have a lot going on that is troubling to you. What would you consider to be your greatest concern? I would think that considering so many concerns all at once might feel overwhelming. for you.

I think i have fears of relatshionships but at the same time i crave attention and love. I want it, i don't want it...

I joke about everything, i'm never serious because if i'm serious i feel vunreable.

i run from people, not willing to get really emotionally attached.

Can you think of a purpose for these behaviors?

It does seem you are being very harsh in your self-judgment. I hear your frustration. Can you find a space to offer yourself some compassion?

Have you ever received any professional help for your struggle with addiction?

I hope that it helps to express yourself here. Take care.