I dont know what to do anymore

[MortalTech]

I am new to posting about my problems and wanted to see if anyone had something that could help me.

For years ive struggled with depression, anxiety, insomnia, self-injury and bipolar. Ive tried to kill myself numerous times over the years and it was only because i was young and didnt know about SI but something lately has made it seem as though to me life is just a dream i cant wake up from. like everyone i meet is something i created and that all my actions dont have consequences. i smoke and drink because i dont know if anything is real. in my head it seems as though all of the words i speak, actions i do are the actions and speech of someone else in my just a spectator seeing through their eyes.

Everytime i look in a mirror i punch it becuase the person i see isnt the person i think i am. its like being in a movie theater and your the only person and your sitting all the way in the back. I described this to my friend and he said like the matrix? and it kinda seems like that.

But becuase of this unknown thing everything else is worse. i lay in bed all day every day, i stress and have panic attacks alot more, i dont sleep, everytime i cut its not once or twice but like 17 times each time and i just have multiple holes in my wall now.

I just dont know what i can do anymore.

[IrmaJean]

Hi MortalTech and welcome.

It must be very difficult feeling disassociated from oneself. This can be a means of self-protection, though, too. I'm sorry you've been going through this. Is there any trauma or abuse from your past? What do you think is disturbing your sleep? I hope you have a good support system at home. This can be invaluable during stressful periods in our lives.

I wanted to say hello and wish you well. Take care.

[MortalTech]

It is and when I smoked it made it worse and there are times when I just want to end it. Well Im the 5th of 6 children and all of the family members older than me always got it better and then my brother who is my twin is younger and so got babied, so i got the short end of everything so emotional ive been alone. My family isnt a good source of support and have never been. I have no clue what is disturbing my sleep.

Thank you for the reply.

[LaLa]

Hello, MT,

I'm sorry you're experiencing such a distress ...

Please, do know that there are ways out, althought not easy and fast. What are your experiences with medical treatment and/or psychotherapy? It often takes many years, but it's worth the effort. Good meds and a good therapist can make your life much more "supportable", even happy.

Take care!