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Hating Myself for my Past


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When I was in second grade I had my first lesbian experience. I am 13 now and I don't remember much of it other than the fact that I liked it.

In the middle of 4th grade my friend had told me she had an experience like this as well. She kept hinting that maybe we should do it but I just told myself that if I did it again I would NEVER forgive myself. So I held my head up high and acted like I didnt know what she was hinting at.

When I was in 4th or 5th grade I started to watch youtube lesbian porn.The only difference between this and regular porn is that you don't see as much. You see them get down to underwear and a bra and make out. It stops before you see anyone completely naked. It wasn't until the middle of 2010 that I finally told myself that what I was doing is wrong and that it wasn't something most kids my age did. It was hard to admit that to myself but I knew it was true. Ever since I was in 2nd grade and had that sexual experience I have had an extreme sexual urge which reminds me everyday of what I did. I tried convincing myself I am not a terrible person by saying things like " A terrible person wouldn't have made herself stop watching those videos" or " A terrible person wouldnt have stopped herself from reliving that moment again in 4th grade" but none of it worked. I pray for Gods forgiveness every night and yet I still have a feeling I haven't been forgiven yet.

It has been a year and 6 months since I have watched one of the videos. I am in 7th grade now and I have had any new experiences. I now consider myself bi-sexual and I HATE who I am. I hate when my parents brag about me being the perfect daughter because I am not the perfect daughter. Perfect is a lot for a 13 year old to live up, to especially when you have a past like mine.

If anyone has any ideas on how I can forgive myself you would really be helping me out. Thanks!

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