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Mourning for a relationship I'm still in


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It's taken me a while, I think, for it to dawn on me just how much this situation is affecting me. I mean, when it first started happening, it was fairly trajic. Then I got used to it. And now, I realize that it's making me miserable.

Facts are that I'm a sexual being, and although I can have tremendous staying power in a realationship, I can see how this could eventually kill it.

I haven't actually mentioned the problem yet, partly, I suspect, because I've gotten so used to avoiding the topic with him.

Basically, we haven't had sex in over two months, and before that, it was few and far between. We've been together about a year now, and this intimacy issue started about six months in. I've never encountered anything like this during the several other long-term relationships I've had. When we were first together, he was the best kisser and the most passionate, all-around romantic I've ever known. Anything related to foreplay he pretty much has a Ph.D in. Even that's died out now, though, because I think he's afriad to get anything started that he can't "finish." It's impotence, plain and simple, and I've been supportive and understanding.

Yet, there are times that I so miss the feeling of being cherished that I start crying. I've even started to contemplate cheating, just for the sake of a sexual experience, which is unheard of for me. I've never really been interested in sex just for the sake of sex, and I'm still not. But, I so miss that physical connection with someone I love.

I've started to get the feeling that he's kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. He feels terrible about the situation, saying that he hates himself for this. Apparently, this same situation has developed with almost any other relationship he's had. He swears that it's not me, but other stressors in his life. And I believe him. Yet, I can't help but think, in the moment, that it's me; that he doesn't find me attractive any more. I start to think about any physical flaws I might have. Sex just becomes an exercise in self-consciousness and frustration, for both of us.

He isn't interested in contacting the counselor a friend recommended, and, although he mentioned taking viagra or some other medication like that, I don't think he wants to spend the money on it. I've stopped taking birth control at this point, because Beyaz (the only one that won't wrek havoc on my hormones) is expensive. Despite the fact that risks were taken that could have resulted in a pregnancy earlier in our relationship, he's basically indicated that he's now terrified of the idea. I certainly don't want a baby either, but his terror in this regard is vaguely insulting. I just can't help taking these things personally, even knowing that it will only make his symptoms worse.

I'm terrified that this is symbolic of something deeper, and that our relationship is falling apart.

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Zoom. Hello, I have a similar experience and I would say that you definitely need to evaluate other benefits of this relationship. No one can tell you to stay or go but you should certainly weigh the other pros and cons before you get more involved than you are thus far.

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Hi, Frazzeled. Yeah, there are other "benefits" to the relationship, at the risk of objectifiying it. Actually, this is the only real problem.

It's just starting to weigh on me. I figured initally that it wasn't that big of a deal. What are vibrators for, right? But, that's not enough. I wish it were.

Believe me, I'm in no hurry to end the relationship. But, I'm at the end of my rope, having exhausted so many options.

Maybe this will just "clear up" on its own. But, two months is a long time for anyone, I would think. I'd be happy having sex every day. Meanwhile, he barely looks at porn (which is unlike most guys I've known) and has difficulty masturbating, even, saying that he feels guilty about it.

I do agree that I shouldn't walk out over this, and it's good to know at least one other person thinks so. My great fear is that this has something to do with me or his estimation of me.

Thanks, Z.

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Zoom, if he has a history of this type of problem with other relationships then it would seem that it has little to do with you personally. Furthermore if your relationship with him should end, it is quite likely he will continue with this pattern of behavior until someone with staying power pushes to discover the reasoning behind it. There is of course a chance he will dig to discover this for himself but it seems unlikely to me. Just my opinion.

Good luck to you.

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