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I can't do this anymore


miss.fortune
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I don't know what to do anymore. In March I attempted suicide twice and it ended up with scars on my arm and an overdose that lasted a week. I thought after that I was getting better, but then the other day what supports I was beginning to build for myself fell apart again and I can't take it anymore. I have no one to turn to, I'm afraid that it I try to go to a hospital for help my mother will just scream at me and tell me I'm fine and that I will get over it. I hope and hope that something good will actually happen and someone will actually care for me and make me feel loved. My whole childhood my mother has hatted me because I remind her of my father and my own father had abused me as a child. I remember that and some other bits and pieces of my childhood but the rest is a blur and I'm afraid to remember the rest. I don't want to give up but I feel that I am too tired to fight anymore. I want to end my life tonight, they always say that third times the charm so if I don't get some solution, or answer, or anything then I hope that I can at least have my death. I'm desperate and I don't want to fight anymore.

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But which "third time"? This is also your third try at living, after all. Maybe it's that that will work out.

Miss, I'm sorry that your mother doesn't understand, but that's kind of a silly reason to listen to her, then, isn't it?

You know whether you're "fine" or not; if you're not, please get yourself some help.

I spent some time in a hospital, suicidal, myself. Now, it wasn't the hospital stay that solved the bigger problem, but it did keep me alive.

As long as you're alive, there's hope for a change. Dead, the only change possible is to decay.

What about the possibility of counseling, either with or without hospital in between? It takes more than just crisis intervention, when you're dealing with trauma and depression; it takes work with a caring counselor, maybe medication, maybe even removal of negative stimuli (in my case, my ex-wife.) It can be really a hard fight if you force yourself to keep going in the same old environment ...

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Death and decay need only to be the truth - if thats what you believe. Who knows if that decaying body is even You?

Maybe its eternal peace that awaits.

Maybe its existential damnation and horrific pain and suffering.

Do you have netflix? I watched this movie at a time when I teetered back and forth with suicidal ideation.

Its dark...and an interesting take on the afterlife. Seriously tweeked some of my thoughts.-

It's called "Wristcutters - a love story" - hold off on death until you see it.

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Miss, I'm sorry you're in such pain... :( I understand that you need a good solution - and, please, do know you deserve it - but The Solution can usually come just after more or less long and more or less hard searching. And to be able to search, you need to stay alive and try... Me too, I also know very well how awfully tempting the suicide can be. But I also know that the searching for alternative approach can be rewarding after some time. Hard, but still rewarding.

If you keep communicating with us for some time, perhaps we'll find some new directions together. Maybe even the support and understanding you'll receive here could make you feel a little bit cozy in your life, at least for some whiles... and then you'll be able to see some light hidden in the distance, showing that this darkness could disappear sometimes...

Form my own experience and from experiences of many others, I can tell you that a good therapist or councelor can be a perfect guide getting you out of from suicidal ideations, depressing and/or scary memories, hateful relationships, negative self-talks, ... It's often a very long way, but not as painful as staying in the darkness or as hopeless as commiting suicide...

Your mother is probably one of the main causes of your suffering, and succumbing to her attitude, treatment, will, ... would be as justifying her and even agreeing with her. She's obviously got her own issues and is treating you so harshly because she's been unable to get a help (to "reconcile" with what her life; your father and who know what else). But this is not a reason for you not to seek and get help.

Take gentle care!

L.

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Miss.fortune do you love yourself? I care for you and I don't even really know you, I was in a dark place like you are now, malign actually told me this but maybe it's the people around you. Perhaps you could surround yourself with more loving people like the ones here in this community.

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I'm sorry you're going through so much, I can understand the stress you're going through at this moment but a permanant solution is never the answer to a temporary problem. I know I don't know you pesronally but I do care for you. I just lost a friend to suicide just a month ago and it was just awful. He even had a wife and a step daughter who cared for him deeply and he chose to leave them behind because he felt stuck. He didn't reach out for help, or even tell her how he felt, he just waited until she left the home and took his life. I can't even begin to explain the pain she and her child are still suffering, they only wish he would have said something to them, or to anyone, they would have been there for him just like we are here for you. For your own sake, reach out to someone close to you and talk to them about how you feel, there will be always someone who cares about you just like we care about you and there is always a way out from any problem. Things can look downright bleak sometimes but there is always something good to come out of it.

I was put in a similiar situation with my own mother long ago. The eldest of 4, it was my job to be 'better' then my siblings or be what my mother wanted me to be, even if it wasn't what I wanted... My, now husband, was forbidden to see me for quite a while, I was restricted to my own home, was never allowed to leave unless I was escorted and then guarded. I couldn't go to school, I couldn't go to work, I felt like I was a prisoner. I received daily death threats from my sister and brothers with no end in sight, my mother did nothing to stop them from beating on me. I would resort to cutting my arm to try and release my feelings and everyone knew what was going on but no one tried to help me. My now husband didn't even know how to help me besides calling and threatening my family for what they were doing which only landed him in trouble. I finally figured out on my own through watching a commercial that there was a place called A/WARE and although they say it is a safe haven for abused women from their spouses, I took a leap of faith and contacted them on my situation and they came and took me from my prison and gave me a second chance at life.

Family is suppose to love you, but sometimes it's just not like that, no matter how much we want it to be. Stay strong, there is always another way besides taking your life. If I had gone through with my own suicide attempts, I wouldn't have my wonderful husband and my two beautiful children now. Just think of the possibilities of your own life, they might be hard to see right now but they are right there in front of you, don't give up on them, stay strong!

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I am reaching out to you. Speak with someone you trust. If someone is telling you to Straighen Up, or Get Over It, or Whatever...as much as you are able - stay away from them. Seek help of someone who understands. My youngest brother killed himself in 2004, after many years of treatment centers, hospitals, and jail. There are many people who do not understand this illness...they are not to blame, but avoidance of them as much as possible and turning to those who do know what this is may help you. This past July 7th, my daugher-in-law died of liver failure...she could not leave her home; she lived in fear of most things; she was a self-titled germophobe and had an anal personality(all of these she shared with me.) My son has shared with me that she was drinking heavily and suffered from OCD. She may have also had cancer, but she would not seek help. The tragedy is that she suffered so very much and we were not able to change her thinking or alleviate her pain. Look something up online...if you are in a small community and cannot find help; look into the next closest town. Find one person you trust; preferably a woman as you suffered abuse by your father. I also have abuse issues and I know the times when I have done something and repeat a few times, "I hate myself" I am learning to stop, literally say STOP and begin an affirmation...Louise Hay has helped me a lot with this, "You Can Heal Your Life" dvd through a library. I say Stop and then over and over repeat, "I love and accept myself."

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